To wonder why marriages end?

[Dee314]

My DH said that most marriages end because one person in unfaithful? Surely there are other reasons?

@Heatherjayne1972

Well my marriage ended ( not in order) because - Violence. Taking me for granted He’d rather be with his mates Gambling His preference for other women Utterly no interest in me or my life His hobby was more important than me and the kids He said he rather get divorced than go for counselling

So not just another woman/women

Is it possible that your ex-husband is my ex-husband too!!!?

Mine is ending because he’s a complete nightmare who cannot see beyond the end of his own nose.

He’s difficult, controlling, paranoid/possessive, spiteful, selfish, egotistical (but claims he’s got an ‘unusual degree of humility’), lazy, etc etc. I suspect he’s done something to monitor my internet usage in some way too (he’s got a background in hacking so it’s not just ludicrous paranoia - especially paired with weird things he says).

He accuses me of sleeping with other people (has done several times this week) which only reinforces how far apart reality and his perception of the world are.

We live separately. I work FT, have our toddler 100% of the time, and basically never do anything. Meanwhile the man who ‘never does anything for himself’ goes on nights out, trips abroad, to the gym, whatever he bloody likes at all times. I’ve told him that I can only assume the accusations I get are projection because anyone with the vaguest inkling of what my life is like would recognise that, even if I were interested in looking for some other guy (😱 seriously, what a dreadful idea), I have precisely no opportunity anyway.

So no infidelity. Just bad choices recognised as such much too late.

The bulk of those in my age group 50s were couples who met and married young and had grown apart by the time they were
30. Most are now in long term relationships but have not married again. I also know some where there has been a disabled child and the father has bailed out.

@bubblesbubbles11

Because people enter into them in the first place, not because they actually love the person they are marrying, but because they expect that person to make them happy. Then when that person does not make them happy, they end the marriage in one way or another saying they were not happy. In other words, it just as often is about selfishness.

Yes, of course it is, dear.

I just couldn’t put up with me having to be responsible for everything and my needs being ignored despite lots of discussion about shared responsibility. It was as if he changed when we married and needed mothering and, to be fair, he’d not experienced much mothering as a child. He then turned violent and I made plans to leave but then met someone. So technically I had an affair. But it was the violence that actually killed the marriage.

Infidelity, abuse, compatibility.

’surely there are other reasons?’
….what? Can you seriously not think of any?

You can google divorce statistics and reasons, or did you want people to share details about distressing life events? Weird thread.

Look my post was not to say that people should put up with things which no one should have to put up with in a relationship.

The point I am trying to make is oftentimes, in the mix of everything else, there can also be the fact that people don't always try as hard as they should to make it better.
And I say that as someone who is divorced themselves and also someone who thinks marriage can actually be a good thing.

Well, there were many related reasons, but essentially mine did end because he cheated..

There are heaps of reasons. But if you read mumsnet enough there's a good amount of people who will say "everyone has an affair at some stage" or "everyone they know has been unfaithful during their marriage". I definitely don't hang around a group where everyone does it or even where it's normal for most people to have done so, doesn't sound like the kind of people I'd keep as friends.

There's HEAPS of reasons people go their separate ways, that is one of them but I wouldn't say is why most people part.

Mine ended because I realised that although I was married to someone I was, and had always been, completely alone in the relationship. It took therapy for me to understand that the man I married was terrified of intimacy (dismissive avoidant) and that his obsession with cricket, work and then golf was a technique to maintain distance between me and our DD. He liked having us at home, controlled the finances so that I was tied, but didn't want to spend much time in the house with us.

Other bizarre stuff he did was to stride ahead when we were out walking, file his golf clubs over the sink in the early hours to avoid going to bed at the same time, getting in the shower just as visitors arrived! He was the big I Am at work in a high paid job but couldn't express any emotion in his personal relationships, was always looking for excuses to be out of the house. I also think he was indulging in flings as he had condoms in his brief case. All whilst telling me my expectations were too much much and wrong. The reason I ended up with him was it was similar to my family of origin, being ignored and put down as the 'problem ' seemed normal to me.

I look back and cringe at what I put up with. Never again!

@Dee314

My DH said that most marriages end because one person in unfaithful? Surely there are other reasons?

Properly, but I'm guessing they lead to a downward spiral which then leads to an affair and they then split from there.

Other reasons
The marriage is or was a cover story for x reasons.
They realise they were good dating but with marriage it's differently than they thought it would.
Family pressures

@bubblesbubbles11

Because people enter into them in the first place, not because they actually love the person they are marrying, but because they expect that person to make them happy. Then when that person does not make them happy, they end the marriage in one way or another saying they were not happy. In other words, it just as often is about selfishness.

“Just as often”?

Utter bullshit.

My first husband was unfaithful but that wasn’t the main reason I ended it. He was just a general wanker who gave me chlymidia, stole my car, called me names, was a narcissist and financially abusive (to name a few)

Highly simplistic to say that marriages fail 'because of unfaithfulness'. For the most part cheating is a symptom of a problem within the marriage, not

Three couples I know who's marriages ended:

1. Partner was controlling/mentally abusive
2. Partner was an alcoholic and refused to get help
3. Grew apart/felt like housemates

I think a lot of marriages end over resentment, people feel that way for different reasons but ultimately resentment.

A previous poster commented that sometimes people just don’t love each other anymore and that I think is often the case and where the disrespect starts, also many women and some men simply stop wanting a physical relationship if they aren’t feeling the love (quite rightly) and that sets in a negative spiral of thoughts and behaviour

@Ihaveroyallyscrewedup

I think a lot of marriages end over resentment, people feel that way for different reasons but ultimately resentment.

I think that is a fair assumption.

Mutual boredom?

People grow apart and want different things,
People have irreconcilable parenting differences.

In my case it was his alcohol addiction and emotional abuse of our DDs.

Your husband needs to educate himself on why women are usually happier and healthier after a split and men are not. If more men stepped up at home and stopped thinking 'working hard' was enough, the divorce rate would plummet.

I'm only mid 30s so I'm sure I've got many breakups still to see (hopefully not my own). Of the two couples who I know have divorced, one the husband had affairs. The second, they had no children and just 'grew apart'. They've since moved on and had children quite quickly with other people, so I guess their marriage really did run its course. They are still in touch as friends.

Of my married friends, the ones who I think are most likely to divorce are because their husbands a lazy man-children who leave them to do everything with no help / expecting to be treated like a god because (gasp) they had the children for a couple of hours.

No sex grumpiness depression, thinking I can’t live like this for the next 2 years. (Funny Enough he’s been brilliant since I’ve done my back in washing even simple cooking) too late though I know he’ll go back to his grumpy ways he’ll soon realise no one wants his music and that will set him off again.

Sorry 20 years.