To wonder why marriages end?

[Dee314]

My DH said that most marriages end because one person in unfaithful? Surely there are other reasons?

Mine ended after he tried to kill me.

My wife just checked out of our marriage after our second child was born and I had just inherited. I'll never know if she'd planned it that way from the start.
The alcoholism, anger management issues, and adultery contributed, and made my life unpleasant.
Whatever the actual cause, it's left me unable to trust anyone enough to have another relationship.

Having been married for 31 years I suspect because even when things are 100% right marriage is hard enough and compromises have to be made. Sprinkle in learning how each other deal with life's traumas such as illness and bereavement the curve can be steeper than the closer bonding they ultimately bring.

I think death of a thousand cuts is the most common reason, especially for women.

Same thing happens over and over again, likely related to thoughtlessness or taking someone for granted or not listening. It gets raised 999 times and either is met with dismissal or empty promises and nothing changes.

Then on the 1000th time it doesn’t get mentioned, but he marriage isn’t just over.

The hurt spouse doesn’t necessarily walk out right that minute, but that’s when it reaches the point of no return and their focus switches to exit strategy rather than making it work.

Exh's affair over here

Yabu because it should be absolutely obvious that marriages do not only end due to one person being unfaithful. Your DH may want to educate himself about things like DV, financial coercion, marital rape to name but a few. And if he doesn't think those are divorce worthy things well you have more problems yourselves ...

Exit affairs are quite common. But also monogamy is difficult for many, if not most, people.

I do think as women gain more of an equal financial footing, they are far more likely to leave unsatisfying marriages as they do not feel financially trapped in the same way their mothers may have done.

My marriage ended (by me) for a number of reasons but most significant ones:

He was drunk most of the time and I was tired of my life being dominated by booze
He was (verbally) abusive to me because he was constantly pissed or hungover
He did next to no childcare or childcare pickups or housework despite the fact I out earned him by a factor of three to one
I didn’t want my daughter to grow up seeing this as a normal household dynamic

It had nothing to do with either of us having an affair.

I think this comment is very reflective of the differences in attitude between men and women. I think there are a multitude of reasons women leave marriages to do with men basically not being up to the job. Men generally can’t be arsed to rock the boat unless there is (or they think there is) better sex on offer.

Simple minded creatures that they are…

I divorced after 30 years of marriage.
I was unhappy with my life for years prior to this as he had developed severe and enduring mental health condition 10 years into our marriage. Our relationship fundamentally changed to one where he was the “child” and I was forced into “parenting” . In healthy marriages this dynamic only comes into play in times of need and parties can switch between those roles depending on who needs the support. When caring for someone with mental health conditions it doesn’t switch back, the relationship changed fundamentally.
But I took my vows seriously and for 20 years stuck at it with the “sickness””worse” and “poorer” being a reality.
And I stuck because I had hope and belief that he was committed to making our relationship work whatever it took
I asked for divorce when he showed that he was no longer committed to making that relationship, however flawed, work and I lost hope that it would ever improve. He had every right to make the decision and take the action he did… but he knew it broke some legitimate boundaries we had in place for our own mental well-being in dealing with this illness…effectively telling me he no longer placed any importance on our marriage/ ability to live together.
So as a broad sweep I think fundamentally that’s when all marriages break up- when 1 partner places their own individual needs above the conflicting needs of you as a couple. They go from being about “us” in their dealings with you, to “me”.
Don’t misunderstand that everyone needs their own identify, freedoms and that our happiness starts with ourselves, and we all need to prioritise that. It is when someone shows when faced with a choice of actions to do something that will benefit them at the detriment to you as a couple, vs doing something that will prioritise your relationship they choose the former.
They deprioritise the need to work at the marriage and make the compromises and selfless acts needed in any happy marriage.

My marriage ended because he was having an affair.

I have a friend whose marriage ended because their relationship was toxic. I don't think either of them had an affair to my knowledge anyway. They used to constantly bicker, it got really unhealthy for the both of them. Deep down they did seem to love each other but the arguments were never ending. It took one of them to bite the bullet and realise it simply wasn't working anymore.

The 3 A's end marriages

Affairs, Abuse, Addictions

I think people who have affairs tend to be abusive as they have high levels of entitlement, are liars, manipulators and gaslighters (how else do keep affairs secret)

Abuse ended mine (he was the abuser). I tried really hard to stay and save us but impossible, took me a long time to see that. I never thought our marriage would end. I'm still very sad and I still love him but I had to protect myself emotionally and physically.

There are more reasons than you ever dream of but they do probably all boil down to a only a few. Some marriages just literally run out of steam.

*only a few basic things.

Choosing unsuitable partners in the first place. I'm constantly staggered at what poor emotional decisions MN'ers make re choosing their partners.

@Dee314

Yes it was, we was talking about his parents, his dad had an affair but they are still together. We then went on to discover why etc..sorry should have elaborated

So there’s an example where an affair didn’t end a marriage.

Do you and your husband really lack imagination that much?

Even where an affair is the final straw, it’s often not the real reason.

Last 5 marriages in my social circle (Waitrose shopping teachers and doctors and IT managers sort of group) to breakdown:

• prostitute use (the man, with women)
• prostitute use (the man, with men)
• rape and physical violence (the man)
• physical violence (the man)
• financial and verbal abuse (the man)
• alcoholism (the woman)

I suppose if I were given to sweeping unsubstantiated statements like your husband, I’d say marriages break down because a lot of men are arseholes 🤷🏻‍♀️

@GoAShum

I think death of a thousand cuts is the most common reason, especially for women.

Same thing happens over and over again, likely related to thoughtlessness or taking someone for granted or not listening. It gets raised 999 times and either is met with dismissal or empty promises and nothing changes.

Then on the 1000th time it doesn’t get mentioned, but he marriage isn’t just over.

The hurt spouse doesn’t necessarily walk out right that minute, but that’s when it reaches the point of no return and their focus switches to exit strategy rather than making it work.

This was me 100 percent.

They end for lots of reasons. But the main thing is one person at least doesn’t want to be with the other anymore - whether that be trust lost due to infidelity, or resentment due to one partner not pulling their weight in the marriage, or sometimes quite sadly just falling out of love and unable to rebuild those feelings.

My marriage end because my ex thought I was fat repulsive and he was bored with me after 25 years together and 3 kids. He did not want the responsibilities of having a family in my opinion as he refused 50 50 he is happy of having the kids one evening a week and one weekend every fortnight and leaves all responsibilities to me.

Straightforward cost benefit analysis on the part of the person who ends it.
If the marriage offers enough to compensate for the issues, be they an affair, disinterest, boredom, inconvenience, restrictions, lack of sex, whatever, people tend to stay. When the scales tip in the other direction, they tend to leave, and the tipping point is different for everyone.

I only know 5 people who have divorced.
3 had spouses who had affairs.
1 had a spouse who was going bankrupt, so divorced my friend and left the country so as not to "bring her down".
The last couple was incompatible.

I'm trying to think back to maybe the last 5 people I know who have divorced...

Couple 1: Got married after only 6 months knowing each other. Divorced after 18 months when it turned out he had a drug and gambling habit he'd kept hidden, somewhat miraculously, gotta say. (There's family gossip that there's a lot more to the story, but I've never been privy to it)
Couple 2: He cheated.
Couple 3: She cheated.
Couple 4: Nothing really definite, she just called him "a waste of space."
Couple 5: He was emotionally and financially abusive.

My first marriage ended because I realised that my H didn't like or respect me, he didn't want to have sex with me so obviously didn't find me attractive either, to this day I cannot work out why he married me!

My son and his wife's marriage ended due to them losing a baby, then subsequently a child (different reasons) they both dealt with it differently and it tore them apart.

My own marriage ended when my husband committed suicide. No third party involvement.

The ones in my friend group that have ended:

Grown apart
Grown apart
Grown apart (and some financial issues…)
Grown apart (till both couldn’t bear each other)
Alcoholism and gambling (by him)
Post-kids grown apart
Post-kids grown apart

Maybe that’s an unusual cross section? I’m thinking hard as I can, but no one leaving due to an ow/om that I can think of!