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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to wish for more on my 30th birthday?

81 replies

Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 16:59

I'm 30 tomorrow and feeling really low today. I actually feel like 30 is still very young and haven't given the milestone much thought.

My partner and I have just got back from a city break which I fully organised as he's not great at organising things. I booked the hotel, planned all our activities and we had an ok time - he's happy sort of just going along with anything, I felt a bit flat during our time away if that makes sense, like I wanted us both to enjoy ourselves?

My mum and her husband had our 18 month old while we were away and today when I picked him up, she just complained about how hard work it was and that it's harder for her as she's older. While I appreciate this, we are fairly close and she knows ive found motherhood challenging and it wasn't particularly nice to hear. Her and her husband have also decided to have a last minute trip away tonight and will return late tomorrow afternoon. When it was her 50th, I organised balloons, a custom made cake, breakfast out and a train journey for my brother who lives 3 hours away to surprise her.

While I did all of these things because I wanted to and not to have them done for me in return, is it so wrong for me to be feeling down about it all today? We have nothing organised for my birthday tomorrow, I don't think I even have a cake.

I guess I just wanted to get it all written down to try and understand why I'm feeling like I am today. Does anyone have advice on how to move on from these feelings? I really want to make the best out of the situation and not wallow too much.

OP posts:

Keladrythesaviour · 17/04/2022 17:12

Happy birthday for tomorrow!
These posts come up a lot on MN and the answer is always roughly this:
Yes it's disappointing, but if you're the person who always organises stuff for other people, is it really a surprise they don't organise it for you? You are the key to all these to her events. Be vocal about what you want. If you wanted your DP to book and arrange a trip, tell him that's what you want. If you want a cake, tell him that is important to you.
When you do all these events for people I'm sure they enjoy them, but they equally might have been happier with you popping round for tea, or a video call. That party/bing recognition is important to you, hence why you arrange it. Don't be a martyr in future and set out your expectations for the people around you.

Tell youf DP you'd like him to get a cake in for you, of you'd like to go out for a meal or have him cook you dinner.

Marlena1 · 17/04/2022 17:16

I think birthdays can leave us all feeling a bit deflated. I have a big one coming up and I decided that after the stress of organising a party last time, I would try to just be nice to myself and treat myself to small things (day off work, hair done, lunch out etc). Make sure not to compare or to be doing "memorable" things. My friend (who has tonnes of friends) had a big birthday recently and she just wanted to go for brunch. It was no different to any other time (I did make a few little efforts) but she obviously was thinking the same. I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow 💗

Sundancerintherain · 17/04/2022 17:16

Yeh, I was the organizer for a long time. On my 30th I got............a card.
By my 40th I had upped my expectations and found my voice.

TheSnowyOwl · 17/04/2022 17:22

Happy birthday for tomorrow.

That party/bing recognition is important to you, hence why you arrange it. This stood out to me as it is so true. What you have described as arranging is what some people would actively dislike but you do it because it’s how you feel a birthday should be acknowledged and what’s important to you. I agree that you need to speak up and tell people what you want, or else they won’t know.

Comedycook · 17/04/2022 17:24

You sound really ungrateful. You had a childfree weekend away...loads of mums have zero opportunity for this and would cut off their right arm for one.

NeedleNoodle3 · 17/04/2022 17:25

It could be you are a bit depressed about turning 30.
You have got time to get the things I want, say to your DP that you really want a cake and a fuss made of you, a meal out or one cooked for you or whatever it is that is important to you.
It sounds like you’ve had a lot already, but if it isn’t quite what you want then say.
Why was the weekend away only ok. I do think the big 0 birthdays when you have such a young DC can be a big flat but you can do something fabulous for your 40th and 50th.
For my 30th I went to the cinema and chose a maternity dress which my DH paid for. For my 40th I arranged a party and went on a cruise.
It sounds like you are the most disappointed with you DM but she had your DC all weekend which is a big deal.

PuddleR1ddle · 17/04/2022 17:25

Happy 30th birthday 🎂

Your DM looked after your child, so that you could both go away

If you are both off work tomorrow, go out somewhere & get (birthday)cake & coffee or lunch or takeaway

NeedleNoodle3 · 17/04/2022 17:25

You want not I want.

JennyJumpup · 17/04/2022 17:30

I recommend you organise your own your own birthday cake now and in future. That way you will never be presented with a Mr Kipling Manor House hastiliy purchased from the petrol station to celebrate your 40th...

ukborn · 17/04/2022 17:31

You can't rely on anyone but yourself.
I recently had my 60th. I organised dinner out for two lots of friends (different areas). Both lots did give me a group gift, but I was the one who booked the table and did the liaising with everyone and even gave three people a lift.
My 18 year old didn't do anything (he doesn't live with me, though I had stayed with him for one of the dinners out) and I had booked an afternoon out with my daughter and she gave me a handmade card. I have no partner. My sisters wished me a happy birthday by text (they live far away).
Sad to say, you want a celebration, you have to organise it.

DrBrennerFan · 17/04/2022 17:32

30th party with neighbours 40th I choose prawns and luxury ice cream had no money at that for anything else. 50th my giant tv saved for years loved it I do exactly what I want no parties now no shows not interested. Get treats in for yourself it’s your day so make it about you .

NeedleNoodle3 · 17/04/2022 17:33

I’ve never seen the problem with organising my own birthday in fact I absolutely love to. I always have a good time and am never disappointed.

dottydodah · 17/04/2022 17:36

I think often "big" birthdays can be so built up .No doubt FB "stars"posing with enormous cakes ,balloons and so on .Look Mum did a nice thing for you, so you could get away for the weekend .Its perfectly understandable she feels tired! Most people on here have OK birthdays I expect .Turning 30 is a milestone and you are still very young ,but not a twenty something any more .Maybe she needs a break! No doubt she will pop over in the evening with your present .Maybe she has arranged a small do for you ,maybe not either is fine .Say to partner you would like a nice cake .Maybe hes arranged a treat or two ?

WeddingFavour · 17/04/2022 17:37

You're 30, not 5. If you want a birthday tea with cake and balloons that's fine but you do need to communicate that. You just had a weekend city break with full childcare, it's quite possible your family think that was your birthday celebration (not unreasonably). As an adult it's normal not to celebrate on the actual day, work shifts etc. Is there something else going on? Were you hoping for something and it didn't happen? (Proposal or something?) I think it would cross most people's minds at a big birthday in a LTR. Your birthday still hasn't been, so if you want a cake let DP know he needs to go and get one. Maybe go out for a meal tomorrow?

I spent my 30th working on a ward and then sitting in the garden alone drinking wine while DP worked nightshift in ICU in May 2020... It could be worse

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/04/2022 17:40

Well I imagine it might have been hard work for your Mum but she did it anyway. You had a city break doing what you wanted which your partner was happy to go along with, but you aren't happy your Mum is going away for the night? Maybe she wants a rest and a bit of someone else doing the cooking after caring for your little one whilst you were on your jollies

Bananarama21 · 17/04/2022 17:40

You got a mini break and free childcare I think that's a win and nothing to be ungrateful about.

Original poster

Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 17:40

Thanks everyone, I have expressed in the past that I've wanted more without me having to organise everything. I organised and paid for the weekend away as I recognised it wouldn't be done for me. I thought maybe based on what I'd told my partner in the past, that he'd put some thought into my birthday. I'm lucky my mum is happy to have DS once a week overnight to help me out with my job. I just find even though I thank her for this and show my appreciation through the ways I mentioned in my Op I still have to hear about how hard my DS was.

I've spent the last few days saying things like 'how shall I fit in seeing mum on my birthday? What shall we get in to eat for Monday?' and my partner has said we'll sort it nearer the time. It's kind of given my the impression that he sorted something though it's becoming clear he hasn't.

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 17/04/2022 17:45

What more do you expect op? You had a trip away for you birthday.

C25kBecky · 17/04/2022 17:49

It's hardly a birthday treat if you have to organise it yourself, is it. Or ask for it.

How hard is it to organise a cake and a few balloons FOR THE BIRTHDAY PERSON?

Original poster

Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 17:49

I am sorry if I sound ungrateful. I understand I don't have it the hardest by any stretch. Maybe I needed some of you to tell me to get a grip after all. I guess I just wondered if these feelings are common?

OP posts:

MrsMo21 · 17/04/2022 17:52

You need to vocalise these things. It’s shit yes, but necessary if you want it to happen.
I had to remind my DH that I expected something (a card) for Valentine’s Day every week for a month, then again for Mothers Day.
I ended up with beautiful roses with a gorgeous message for one and some donuts I’ve had my eye on for ages for the other.
Without me reminding him every week for a month before each about my expectations I wouldn’t have got so much as a hug.
On the flip side, I never need reminding and there’s always thoughtful, caring presents/outings and a fuss made.
It’s not that he doesn’t love me or value me - he just values VERY different things. His love language is taking the bins out and sterilising bottles without me even thinking about it.

If you’re DP does nothing for you to take care of you so these big gestures like trips away/presents/fuss is needed to tip the balance then that’s a bigger issue than you sorting your birthday.

SquirrelFan · 17/04/2022 17:52

Birthdays can be fraught with expectations - sounds like you might need to have fewer! You did a good thing, and showed yourself that you value you by organising a trip away. Your partner's enthusiasm would have been nice, but look at it as icing on the proverbial cake.
It is lucky that your mum provides childcare - just remind yourself that it isn't "free". You're paying by having to listen to her tell you how difficult it is. It's up to you whether you want to continue to pay that price! I agree, it would be nicer if she did it with grace, but maybe she's trying to tell you she wants to stop.

2Hot2Handle · 17/04/2022 18:21

You deserved a much better birthday. I understand why you feel down about it. It would be nice for the people you love to put as much effort into your special day, as you do into theirs.
If your other half fails to understand this, after a chat with him, I’d remind yourself to keep celebrations basic for him and your DM in future. A card and gift is plenty of effort.

Sunnytwobridges · 17/04/2022 18:21

he's happy sort of just going along with anything, I felt a bit flat during our time away if that makes sense, like I wanted us both to enjoy ourselves?

This stood out to me as my ex was very similar whenever we went on vacation or out to an event/get together. He never showed any enthusiasm or joy he just went with the flow. No excitement or serious interest at all. Which to me took away my joy of the experience as I felt I could’ve went alone or be with anyone. Over time I just stopped doing things with him or lowered me expectations.

NeedleNoodle3 · 17/04/2022 18:23

OP you haven’t even had your birthday yet.
Use this time to reassess your DM looking after your DC one night a week, it sounds like she’s finding it hard going.

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