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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish for more on my 30th birthday?

81 replies

Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 16:59

I'm 30 tomorrow and feeling really low today. I actually feel like 30 is still very young and haven't given the milestone much thought.

My partner and I have just got back from a city break which I fully organised as he's not great at organising things. I booked the hotel, planned all our activities and we had an ok time - he's happy sort of just going along with anything, I felt a bit flat during our time away if that makes sense, like I wanted us both to enjoy ourselves?

My mum and her husband had our 18 month old while we were away and today when I picked him up, she just complained about how hard work it was and that it's harder for her as she's older. While I appreciate this, we are fairly close and she knows ive found motherhood challenging and it wasn't particularly nice to hear. Her and her husband have also decided to have a last minute trip away tonight and will return late tomorrow afternoon. When it was her 50th, I organised balloons, a custom made cake, breakfast out and a train journey for my brother who lives 3 hours away to surprise her.

While I did all of these things because I wanted to and not to have them done for me in return, is it so wrong for me to be feeling down about it all today? We have nothing organised for my birthday tomorrow, I don't think I even have a cake.

I guess I just wanted to get it all written down to try and understand why I'm feeling like I am today. Does anyone have advice on how to move on from these feelings? I really want to make the best out of the situation and not wallow too much.

OP posts:
Bex268 · 17/04/2022 19:40

We’ve never even had a family member off to babysit and our child is 2. I think sometimes you’ve just got to make the best of what you’ve got and I mean that in a nice way as I know how bitterness can eat someone up. I get it’s disappointing but find the good in what you’ve got. Materialistic things are not worth much, but someone willing to look after your child so you can celebrate is priceless xx

Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 19:54

I'm really surprised about the childcare situations I keep hearing about on here. All of the mum's I work with rely on GPs for childcare anywhere from 2-5 times a week. While I'm grateful for my 53 year old mum with no job caring for my DS once a week (she insists on having him to stay over the night before as she doesn't want him to be dropped off early in the morning), I'm still surprised she's being very casual about not seeing me on my birthday - it's just never happened before. I think living in a working class area where families are quite close knit might be giving me a distorted reality.

OP posts:
Harvey3 · 17/04/2022 19:58

I think you do have a distorted reality. My DH and I work full time and get no childcare help at all, despite GP living close by. Many people I know are in the same situation - so you should count yourself very lucky indeed.

NeedleNoodle3 · 17/04/2022 20:00

My DM has never ever looked after my DC.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2022 20:01

@Chasingyourtail
Yeah I think you do have a distorted sense of reality OP. I don’t live anywhere near my mum so she cannot provide childcare anywhere like near the level you currently benefit from. Lots of people I know don’t. You are lucky.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/04/2022 20:02

Is the fact that she is not seeing you on your birthday the reason you think you are drifting apart?
If so I think you are wrong to think that. You are an adult now with your own family. They may have made a big thing of it when you were growing up, my parents did as well but the birthday cakes and treats they organised for each other was really because we kids loved it, not because they wanted it. If you want the same sort of thing its your DH that has to step up and do it. Your mum not seeing you on your birthday is really not her drifting away its just a change in your relationship.

Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 20:04

I make next to no money sending DS to nursery so much of the week, i don't think I could possibly afford another day. I thought I had an ok paid job too!

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 17/04/2022 20:06

Well op, Why are you ok with a partner who 'isn't good at organizing stuff' ? Surely you are not surprised to have nothing planned then? Anyone can put in a tiny effort, I'm sure your dp makes an effort in certain things he does enjoy. As for your dm, she did give you a present of a few days away. It was a bit thoughtless to tell you how hard it was, but it really is hard work. I think if you are accepting of your dp getting away with not being good at organizing, then you will have to settle for very little. You need to speak to him quite bluntly and see if he is willing to change this.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2022 20:06

@Chasingyourtail

I make next to no money sending DS to nursery so much of the week, i don't think I could possibly afford another day. I thought I had an ok paid job too!
Erm well yeah that’s the position lots of families are in. Except they do have to pay for childcare for that extra day, they have no choice
NeedleNoodle3 · 17/04/2022 20:06

OP you sound a bit half empty rather than half full.

Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 20:08

It's not just about the birthday stuff making me feel we're drifting apart. We just don't spend as much time together since she got married. When she was with her ex partner a couple of years ago, we used to do a lot of things together. She now talks a lot about how she thinks I should move further afield and have more trips away. She can be quite brutal and honest which as a sensitive person, I can often struggle with.

I feel so alone.

OP posts:
Whatsmyname100 · 17/04/2022 20:09

Ok so she and your dad provided good examples of how to treat each others birthdays. So naturally she would expect your own dh to do the same for you. Not her fault that he 'isn't good at organizing stuff'.

AlphabetStew · 17/04/2022 20:12

Yeah, zero free childcare here too. I'm surprised you think you're hard done by because you don't get loads of it, and don't realise how really very lucky you are to get regular childcare.

User48751490 · 17/04/2022 20:12

@Comedycook

You sound really ungrateful. You had a childfree weekend away...loads of mums have zero opportunity for this and would cut off their right arm for one.
I agree here. I don't have family who would take mine. Cannot remember a child free evening ever.

Count your blessings OP. Happy birthday for tomorrow 🎉

Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 20:16

I think I'm having a poor mental health day. I'm sorry if I've rubbed anyone up the wrong way. Hopefully things will feel brighter in the morning.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2022 20:21

@Chasingyourtail

I think I'm having a poor mental health day. I'm sorry if I've rubbed anyone up the wrong way. Hopefully things will feel brighter in the morning.
@Chasingyourtail I’m sure you will feel better and hopefully this has given you a bit of perspective. Have a lovely day tomorrow
cansu · 17/04/2022 20:23

You are being a bit childish tbh. You went away for the weekend. I think that is probably pretty good going tbh. If you want something specific to happen, book it.

RewildingAmbridge · 17/04/2022 20:25

I think it sounds lovely, child free weekend away, with DC with grandparents so safe and happy, then a family day out at some lovely gardens, I'm sure there will be opportunity for cake/lunch etc while there. Sounds like a perfect birthday to me

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/04/2022 20:25

Again you aren't drifting apart your relationship is changing. This is something that happens over time and as children come along. Your Mum spent years raising a family and she helps you with childcare. It is only natural that she now wants to spend a lot of her time with friends or partner her own age. And whilst you don't need to move away, she is right that you need to spread your wings and spend time with your family and friends your own age. You can still have a lovely relationship with her, just different to what you had before

Giviningup · 17/04/2022 20:25

Big happy 30th birthday tomorrow OP.
Hoping you have a lovely day 💗

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2022 20:28

Would you take your mums advice and try and spread your wings a bit op?

Ginger1982 · 17/04/2022 20:32

The childcare issue is a red herring. Whether the OP gets childcare regularly or not, this is about the effort (or lack of effort) being made for a special birthday. Yes, she had a weekend away but she had to plan it all and her partner just went along for the ride. Where's the 'thought' from him in that? It might as well have been a trip for his own birthday. He's now booked something which she's not really that into purely as a knee jerk reaction and not because he thought about it off his own back or knows her well enough to think she'll like it. There's nothing wrong in hoping that your partner will do something special for you for a milestone birthday.

It's also shit for folk to take the view 'well I don't get any childcare so therefore anyone who does isn't allowed to be upset about anything without seemingly being ungrateful.'

MissMaple82 · 17/04/2022 20:36

But really you do expect the same in return you just don't want to say it. Less of the dramatics, be grateful for what a lovely thing you actually got, some people get piss all

Whatsmyname100 · 17/04/2022 20:38

Op I think maybe your parents set up an ideal of how birthdays work and this has disappointed you. Your dm probably thinks now that you have a family of your own, you are carrying on that tradition as well. Maybe it's time to sit down and tell your dp that those things matter to you. And I think its a poor cop out that someone can get away with poor effort based on them not being good at organizing. I'm certain that if it's something he likes, he has no issues making arrangements. Speak to your dp and tell him how you feel.

SpiderVersed · 17/04/2022 20:48

Gently, @Chasingyourtail, I think your expectations are a bit high.

You organised a weekend away (good on you) and your mum had your child. You seem to want additional celebrations - to be honest, a weekend is a pretty significant celebration, particularly once you have a child.

It's great your parents made a big fuss when you were a kid. You're the adult now, it's not the same. The majority of us don't get an exciting Instagram-friendly celebration, we're busy just mnuddling through.

Hang in there.