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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish for more on my 30th birthday?

81 replies

Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 16:59

I'm 30 tomorrow and feeling really low today. I actually feel like 30 is still very young and haven't given the milestone much thought.

My partner and I have just got back from a city break which I fully organised as he's not great at organising things. I booked the hotel, planned all our activities and we had an ok time - he's happy sort of just going along with anything, I felt a bit flat during our time away if that makes sense, like I wanted us both to enjoy ourselves?

My mum and her husband had our 18 month old while we were away and today when I picked him up, she just complained about how hard work it was and that it's harder for her as she's older. While I appreciate this, we are fairly close and she knows ive found motherhood challenging and it wasn't particularly nice to hear. Her and her husband have also decided to have a last minute trip away tonight and will return late tomorrow afternoon. When it was her 50th, I organised balloons, a custom made cake, breakfast out and a train journey for my brother who lives 3 hours away to surprise her.

While I did all of these things because I wanted to and not to have them done for me in return, is it so wrong for me to be feeling down about it all today? We have nothing organised for my birthday tomorrow, I don't think I even have a cake.

I guess I just wanted to get it all written down to try and understand why I'm feeling like I am today. Does anyone have advice on how to move on from these feelings? I really want to make the best out of the situation and not wallow too much.

OP posts:
aprilsunshine777 · 17/04/2022 18:27

Do you think maybe your partner has planned something but isn't telling you?
Is that why he is being a bit vague when you've asked him these questions?

Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 18:31

Little update on this - my partner has booked the 3 of us tickets to these nice gardens tomorrow. I have thanked him sincerely and of course I won't let on to him - but I'm still not very happy! Maybe I am just ungrateful and spoilt. It's taken me getting visibly upset and voicing how I feel for him to plan something last minute and not very me. I will of course make the best of this and I'm sure we'll have a nice day. I think I'm also feeling a bit down as I've lately been promoted at work and it's been tougher than I thought. Coming back from this trip I was so desperate to be perfect is making my confront all of these feelings, my difficulty with motherhood, doing my mediocre best at a new full time job, a mother I am drifting away from and a partner who leaves all organisation to me. Reading back, this must sound very self pitying but maybe it's time for me to reframe.

OP posts:
Harvey3 · 17/04/2022 18:31

To be honest, the fact you got a child free weekend break is amazing! I would have loved that for my 30th, even if I had to organise it all! Think you're being ungrateful tbh.

Notonthestairs · 17/04/2022 18:41

"Coming back from this trip I was so desperate to be perfect is making my confront all of these feelings, my difficulty with motherhood, doing my mediocre best at a new full time job, a mother I am drifting away from and a partner who leaves all organisation to me. Reading back, this must sound very self pitying but maybe it's time for me to reframe."

I'm not surprised you are feeling a bit flat. Lots of changes to your life and it's made you focus on your relationship with your partner.
Don't ignore how you are feeling and don't bury it. Think about what will make your life easier and happier.

And no you don't have to be 5 years old to want your birthday to be fun and happy.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2022 18:47

@Comedycook

You sound really ungrateful. You had a childfree weekend away...loads of mums have zero opportunity for this and would cut off their right arm for one.
@Comedycook Bog off
Sarkymarky · 17/04/2022 18:47

You said that your mum complained that your dc was hard work as she is getting older. Please op understand this was not a dig at you, but grandparents are not young and having to watch an 18 month old is mentally and physically exhausting for some GPs. Have you thought that there is a surprise organised for you that is why everyone is being so vague. Happy birthday have a great time FlowersCake

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2022 18:49

@Harvey3

To be honest, the fact you got a child free weekend break is amazing! I would have loved that for my 30th, even if I had to organise it all! Think you're being ungrateful tbh.
@Harvey3 Why should she have to organise it all? It’s HER birthday! Surely her partner or mum or both of together should have organised it especially as she does so much organising to make things special for them. They sound like the ungrateful ones, not the OP
Comedycook · 17/04/2022 18:51

After reading your update I am even more stunned.

You have been promoted at work
Your mum provides you with childcare to facilitate your job
Your mum provides you with childcare so you can have a weekend away
Your dh has now organised a day out.

You sound like seriously hard work.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/04/2022 18:57

Why do you think you are drifting away from your Mum? I can understand being a bit miffed with your partner but struggling to see what your Mum is doing wrong

Aprilx · 17/04/2022 18:59

@Comedycook

After reading your update I am even more stunned.

You have been promoted at work
Your mum provides you with childcare to facilitate your job
Your mum provides you with childcare so you can have a weekend away
Your dh has now organised a day out.

You sound like seriously hard work.

This.

Unbelievably self absorbed and ungrateful.

Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 19:01

@Comedycook thanks for your input though I've found your comments quite hurtful. Yes I am lucky my mum will have DS one day and one night a week. I've worked hard, stepped into the role for no extra pay and then interviewed for the promotion so that I can afford nursery for the rest of the week, it is a necessity to be earning more as my partner is on minimum wage. My partner said to me earlier 'i've booked this, and then we're going to do this' and then asked in a very accusatory tone 'is that enough?' while I'm upset, I've thanked him and told him I appreciate his effort.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2022 19:02

@Comedycook

After reading your update I am even more stunned.

You have been promoted at work
Your mum provides you with childcare to facilitate your job
Your mum provides you with childcare so you can have a weekend away
Your dh has now organised a day out.

You sound like seriously hard work.

@Comedycook

Where does she say her mum does child care whilst she works?

Claretmum · 17/04/2022 19:04

I usually organise my birthday as my husband is always worried he'll pick the wrong hotel or restaurant 😅.
He did surprise me this year at the hotel and arranged champagne in the room - which they forgot, god love him 🤣🤣

Comedycook · 17/04/2022 19:05

I'm lucky my mum is happy to have DS once a week overnight to help me out with my job

There you go @LuckySantangelo35

NeedleNoodle3 · 17/04/2022 19:08

I think your DO has done ok with the garden visit.
You sound a bit depressed OP, getting a promotion at work is a big deal and will take some getting used too. This combined with your 30th means there’s a lot going on. Try and enjoy the gardens tomorrow and the rest of your birthday.

flumposie · 17/04/2022 19:09

My 30th : nothing as I was away for a job interview. My 40th: daughter ill in hospital so plans cancelled ( of course this could not be helped and daughter came first) . As a result I had massive plans for my 50th, I was going to organise a party for family and friends, a long haul holiday with family - except it was last April so I could only sit in my garden with a few people/ eat outside in a restaurant. As much as these things have been a disappointment I'm determined to take control of my birthdays in future as best I can to have a good day. Try to be more vocal or take control yourself.

Poppop4 · 17/04/2022 19:13

Happy 30th birthday!

Have you ever considered that your mum is perhaps not coping well with having your child so often? If she has him overnight weekly and then she’s had him this weekend perhaps her saying how difficult it is is her way of hinting it’s a bit too much for her, maybe she doesn’t want to let you down and come across unsupportive so is hoping you’ll get the hint and try and find alternative arrangements.

A weekend away childfree is a brilliant break and a wonderful way to celebrate your 30th birthday.

I’m confused as to why the last min trip away for your mum is an issue? She’s had a busy weekend with your child what’s wrong with her having a night away. I know it’s your birthday tomorrow but could she assume you’d want some family time all together being that you haven’t seen your son this weekend.

I guess as the planner you have to realise that if you want the big fuss you have to spell it out.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2022 19:15

Cheers @Comedycook completely missed that! In that case I completely agree with you, OP really doesn’t have grounds to complain - she is beyond privileged!

Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 19:17

Just in answer to a few questions, my mum really wants to have DS. In fact shes always asking why DH and I don't go away more, she's happy to have him any time. We just don't go away often due to real life stuff, money, work etc.

Birthdays were just always a big deal in my house growing up no matter whose it was. My mum and dad would really spoil each other and us kids too. Things change though I guess.

OP posts:
Poppop4 · 17/04/2022 19:18

I’ve just seen your update….
Partner has planned a day out. Effort made surely? He’s not forgotten or done nothing and I’ll go ahead assume you mum likely knows hence why she’s made her own plans for tonight/tomorrow

Original poster
Chasingyourtail · 17/04/2022 19:20

@poppop4 he planned it this afternoon once I'd voiced how I was feeling. I've told him I appreciate this.

OP posts:
Sadgirlsummer · 17/04/2022 19:25

I had two lockdown birthdays, my 30th being last year, and all I could do was go to the garden centre with my mum Grin Same for most of my mates, we all missed out on big 30th birthday celebrations of our own and eachother. But we're more than making up for it now! This year I went away for my 31st birthday for a boozy, foodie trip and next year I plan a big 32nd bash as a chance to wear a fancy dress and spangly heels. I promise, it's just a day, but the power is in your hands to manage your expectations and sort out fun things you'd like to do going forward. Could throw a silly "half-birthday" meal with mates in 6 months time, or do a "try 30 things" day out with friends also turning 30 this year. Lots of things you can do to make this year special. Happy Birthday Cake xxx

Tigofigo · 17/04/2022 19:26

[quote Chasingyourtail]@poppop4 he planned it this afternoon once I'd voiced how I was feeling. I've told him I appreciate this.[/quote]
I think it's really shit tbh. To have made zero effort or thought - until you had a go at him the day before your birthday. YANBU.

Sadgirlsummer · 17/04/2022 19:36

Just to clarify, I do think your partner could've been a bit more enthusiastic and proactive. If he's always been like that though, a 30th probably wasn't going to change him. Some comments on here are unnecessarily rude, but if birthdays are important to you and he's not bothered, just spoil yourself you'll be much happier.... then match his level when his birthday rolls around lol

Odile13 · 17/04/2022 19:37

Is it possible he didn’t organise anything because he thought the weekend away was for your birthday? I’m assuming he’s got you a birthday present of some sort, he just hadn’t organised a specific activity for the day (before he booked the last minute thing when you said you weren’t happy).

I only ask because I usually plan what I want to do for my birthday and DH comes along. Same with his birthday - it’s his choice and I’ll go along with it. We would buy each other presents (nothing huge), go for a meal and that’s about it.