Page 4 | Bring your own mug

misssunshine4040 · 2022-04-17T14:40:37+00:00

AIBU to be a bit miffed if a family member visits my house and brings there own coffee mug and dish towel to dry their hands? They are not clinical vulnerable or anything like that.

chisanunian · 17/04/2022 17:13

@tkwal

If they didn't think you were a decent person, why would they be visiting you in the first place? Don't let their issues get to you. Maybe they just prefer that shape or type of cup and use the tea towel to wrap it so it can travel safely with them

It is a parent, and the OP appears to be the family scapegoat who can do no right.

blacksax · 17/04/2022 17:18

@misssunshine4040 Have you ever read any of the Stately Homes threads on MN? They are full of stories from people with toxic parents, and how they are managing to free themselves from the torture of it all.

Please also look up F.O.G. - fear, obligation, guilt. You don't have to maintain a relationship with people who abused you as a child and continue to abuse you now.

Snoozer11 · 17/04/2022 17:20

It's odd.

I dislike drinking from mugs that aren't white. But I wouldn't carry my own with me.

whenwilliwillibefamous · 17/04/2022 17:22

OP if you were a friend of mine, I'd tentatively suggest that you focus on what makes you happy, and put other stuff - like your wierdo parent with the teacup complex, who you don't get on with anyway - on the back burner.
Do token polite cards and presents, make no effort, diplomatic relations only, let them invite you if they're so keen on seeing you...and even then, you may have other plans ("such a pity but we'll have to arrange a catch up some other time!").

The technical term is Grey Rock (as in, be as dull and unengaged as a...).

Focussing on what you do like and swerving unnecessary stuff you don't is v effective.

Seriously, you don't like them (and from what you say, understandably so) and it doesn't sound like they enjoy your company either, so seeing much of each other is pretty pointless, no? Makes nobody happy. Waste of time.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 17/04/2022 17:22

If only at your house and not others i wouldnt invite them over. Ever. Job done

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 17/04/2022 17:23

I don't understand why anyone dries their hands on a dish towel, gross. They're for drying crockery. It is weird but probably easier to let it go over your head.

CustardySergeant · 17/04/2022 17:26

@mrsbitaly

My parents brought their own water a few times and they live locally 🤣

Why on earth did they bring water of all things? That's really bizarre.

Sugarandspice213 · 17/04/2022 17:29

@halfsiesonapotnoodle

I don't understand why anyone dries their hands on a dish towel, gross. They're for drying crockery. It is weird but probably easier to let it go over your head.

I don’t know why anyone would dry crockery on a t towel. Let it dry naturally,

1forAll74 · 17/04/2022 17:29

It wouldn't bother me, quite a lot of folks have a few issues about only using their own things,, like someone said, its probably an OCD thing.

SuperAsymmetry · 17/04/2022 17:30

I have OCD and wouldn't bat an eyelid. Don't take it personally

Sitchervice · 17/04/2022 17:34

My Inlaws won't even drink in our house let alone bring mugs. Even though I steam mop floors Bleach sides and wash up everything every day. They once only once! Asked for water and my step mother inlaw pulled a disgusted face and didn't drink out the freshly cleaned mug. I think I could have brought her a brand new mug and she still would have pulled a face. I've learnt Some people just decide things about and there's nothing you can do to change their minds.

VainAbigail · 17/04/2022 17:42

@SuperAsymmetry

I have OCD and wouldn't bat an eyelid. Don't take it personally

You haven’t RTFT, have you!

EggBurger · 17/04/2022 17:45

I have big mugs of tea and MIL only has tiny mugs

Same! I take a mug to mil's as well. You couldn't drown a fly in the posh little flowery cups she uses.

Original poster

misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 17:48

@whenwilliwillibefamous

OP if you were a friend of mine, I'd tentatively suggest that you focus on what makes you happy, and put other stuff - like your wierdo parent with the teacup complex, who you don't get on with anyway - on the back burner. Do token polite cards and presents, make no effort, diplomatic relations only, let them invite you if they're so keen on seeing you...and even then, you may have other plans ("such a pity but we'll have to arrange a catch up some other time!").

The technical term is Grey Rock (as in, be as dull and unengaged as a...).

Focussing on what you do like and swerving unnecessary stuff you don't is v effective.

Seriously, you don't like them (and from what you say, understandably so) and it doesn't sound like they enjoy your company either, so seeing much of each other is pretty pointless, no? Makes nobody happy. Waste of time.

This is great advice thank you,

I feel like I need to have permission or be told I'm not a monster or imagining how rubbish it makes me feel.

I will take this advice on board thanks

OP posts:

WhiskeyAndGinger · 17/04/2022 17:59

Ignore the "OMG massive drip feed!" obsessives, they're a pain in the arse. It would appear this is a way your parent has decided they can display their displeasure with you without having to say anything. I knew someone like that once. Would never take her coat off in our house and wouldn't accept a drink. Fortunately she was a friend's partner and they split up after not too long. She just didn't like me.

I think you are right to consider going low contact at least, and I would be tempted to do as another poster said - follow her out disinfecting the door handles.

WildBlueAndDitzy · 17/04/2022 18:02

I'd think them eccentric but it wouldn't bother me

goaskmum · 17/04/2022 18:06

I think I’d have to ask them about it, OP.

I’d just say something like “I’ve noticed that every time you come here you bring your own mug, you do know you can just use one of mine?” And then see what the response is.

It could be that they have OCD and are obsessive with germs and contamination, if that’s the case I’d be reassuring them your mugs are clean but if they feel safer bringing their own then I’d let them get on with it.

Rocketroe · 17/04/2022 19:44

I’ve seen people let their dogs lick cups and also they themselves have cold sores. During covid I loved taking my own mug, people expected it. Now I just take a bottle of water and drink from that.

Original poster

misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 20:03

@goaskmum

I think I’d have to ask them about it, OP.

I’d just say something like “I’ve noticed that every time you come here you bring your own mug, you do know you can just use one of mine?” And then see what the response is.

It could be that they have OCD and are obsessive with germs and contamination, if that’s the case I’d be reassuring them your mugs are clean but if they feel safer bringing their own then I’d let them get on with it.

I've done this already as explained in my previous posts

OP posts:

goaskmum · 17/04/2022 20:13

@misssunshine4040 sorry i didn’t read the entire thread as it was too long.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 18/04/2022 09:24

@goaskmum you know you can filter and just read the OP's posts, so that you understand what she has said without having to read the entire thread? It saves giving irrelevant advice.

maddy68 · 21/04/2022 11:00

[quote whatwasIgoingtosay]@goaskmum you know you can filter and just read the OP's posts, so that you understand what she has said without having to read the entire thread? It saves giving irrelevant advice.[/quote]Not on my phone I can't?

LindaEllen · 21/04/2022 11:23

Either I'd think they were saying my house was disgusting (so I'd look around and see what it might look like from an outsider's POV) or I'd assume they had anxiety. I can sympathise with that, and would rather they visited with their own things than never at all.

Indicatrice · 21/04/2022 12:35

As they don’t do this to anyone else, get firm and tell them as your cups and tea towels are not good enough for them then neither is your tea, water, kettle and food.

Never give them a drink or food again.

Sundayrain · 21/04/2022 12:43

I've suffered with OCD in the past and often take my own travel mug of tea. I've had close family get really offended and we've ended up going NC because they took my handwashing personally, and the more they got angry with me the worse my anxiety and OCD and the worse the problem became! Maybe this person just feels comfortable enough to do this in your house? I do think not wanting to catch children's various illnesses is reasonable, if they spend a lot of time at your house, but maybe that's my own germ phobia talking!