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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bring your own mug

106 replies

misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 15:40

AIBU to be a bit miffed if a family member visits my house and brings there own coffee mug and dish towel to dry their hands?

They are not clinical vulnerable or anything like that.

OP posts:
chisanunian · 17/04/2022 16:01

Stop asking them round. That should fix it.

jessieminto · 17/04/2022 16:03

Soooo...I take my own mug, sometimes glass sometimes. Depends how long I'm staying, if it's just for one brew I won't, but all day and multiple brews or all evening with plenty of wine and I take my own.

I am always careful to explain to the host why, and obviously my close friends and family know full well why.

I have very painful hands and certain shaped cups or glasses are less painful than a 'normal' mug or wine glass. If I bring my own then is shows I'm comfortable with my host, trust them (not to take the piss out of me or think I'm weird) and want to spend time with them.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/04/2022 16:03

@misssunshine4040

Sorry, no they don't have a particular anxiety.

And no, not at other places.

There is no big drip feed, other than they have always put me down in subtle, passive aggressive ways and then denies it.

But then you missed out the crucial context of the issue in your OP: that you feel they are always critical and disdainful of you and obviously suspect that this is just another put-down. Yes, I’d feel miffed in this situation. No, I wouldn’t feel miffed otherwise.
Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 16:03

@yogacurl

Because you write about them with such obvious disdain, and project negative personal feelings onto such a non-act.
Where is the obvious distain?
OP posts:
stripeyflowers · 17/04/2022 16:04

Well, it is a bit odd.

Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 16:04

I didn't intend to drip feed sorry

OP posts:
JaneJeffer · 17/04/2022 16:07

They sound weird. Just let them get on with it and when they're leaving whip out a can of dettol spray and do the door handles as you're saying goodbye.

Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 16:12

The problem is, I can't decide if I'm imagining the passive aggressive put downs or obvious behaviour that shows they think I'm "dirty" or whatever.

They always deny it and act like I'm making a drama from nothing. It's like gas lighting.

I used that example as to me, it appears to be a fairly obvious one, but they still say it's completely normal and nothing to do with me.

I'm considering cutting this person out my life permanently and it's a massive decision to make and I feel a lot of guilt about it as I'm made to feel as if I'm making up my feelings

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 17/04/2022 16:14

Does she have an allergy to an ingredient in most soaps? She might not have much choice.

JaneJeffer · 17/04/2022 16:14

I don't think you're imagining anything. I mean who the fuck goes to visit someone with a mug and a tea towel unless they have immune issues?

TheSnowyOwl · 17/04/2022 16:17

@JaneJeffer

I don't think you're imagining anything. I mean who the fuck goes to visit someone with a mug and a tea towel unless they have immune issues?
Someone with anxiety, OCD, coordination problems etc. Or perhaps the OP’s cleanliness isn’t adequate. 🤷🏼‍♀️

But yes, OP, it’s unusual.

monsterflake · 17/04/2022 16:18

I know people don't like comments like this on here but my ds has autism and takes his own water bottle to school as the school ones "don't taste right".

If it was just your house and nowhere else they did this I would worry my house isn't clean enough like others have said, but a person doesn't need to be autistic to have sensory issues/preferences to certain things. Are you close enough to talk to them about it?

DysmalRadius · 17/04/2022 16:18

Does this person take their own things to every house or just yours? If it's just yours, they're being rude by making a point and you're probably going to feel much better after you cut them out.

PurpleDaisies · 17/04/2022 16:18

@JaneJeffer

I don't think you're imagining anything. I mean who the fuck goes to visit someone with a mug and a tea towel unless they have immune issues?
People with anxiety issues, or ocd issues, or physical issues with holding mugs like a previous poster.

It’s pretty obvious the op doesn’t like this person and wants reassurance that it’s ok to cut them out of their life.

JaneJeffer · 17/04/2022 16:19

Yes but they didn't say they have any issues and that it's a normal thing to do Confused

mrsbitaly · 17/04/2022 16:22

My parents brought their own water a few times and they live locally 🤣

PurpleDaisies · 17/04/2022 16:23

@JaneJeffer

Yes but they didn't say they have any issues and that it's a normal thing to do Confused
People don’t always broadcast that they’re having mental health problems.
Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 16:25

No they don't have anxiety issues with anyone else or anywhere else.

Convinced that any cold or bug they end up with has always come from me or my children. It's also put to me as if it was my fault and there was something I could I have done about it?!

I've challenged this countless times but told I'm being ridiculous and nothing like that was ever said.

They have noticed my "dislike" now and act as if I'm out of order and awful for bringing them up on the comments and general feeling of disappointment

OP posts:
InFiveMins · 17/04/2022 16:25

I wouldn't worry about it, I'd just assume they like to drink from this particular cup and leave it at that. If you feel they are trying to piss you off by bring their own cup then reacting to it will give them great delight in knowing they have succeeded in pissing you off - so just ignore it, and crack on.

InFiveMins · 17/04/2022 16:26

trying to piss you off by BRINGING their own cup*, that should say.

JaneJeffer · 17/04/2022 16:29

@PurpleDaisies well if they're going to someone's house with a mug and a tea towel they should have the courtesy to explain.

Kite22 · 17/04/2022 16:29

Can I ask how you know they don't take their mug / t towel to other people's homes ?

Cheesechips · 17/04/2022 16:29

I'd be a bit miffed but would chalk it down to health anxiety more than the state of my house.

Cornettoninja · 17/04/2022 16:32

I’d ask (because it isn’t a common thing to do) and accept their reasoning.

I accept there is much more to this than them just bringing a cup but you’ll drive yourself deeper into negativity if you pick over the bones of everything that’s ever bothered you.

This just isn’t worth your headspace. You could interpret a million different things from a simple action, but this one ultimately doesn’t affect you in the slightest so let it go.

PinkSyCo · 17/04/2022 16:34

Sorry, no they don't have a particular anxiety.

And no, not at other places.

There is no big drip feed, other than they have always put me down in subtle, passive aggressive ways and then denies it.

In that case they are being extremely rude, and not particularly subtly either, and would not be welcome in my home.

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