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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bring your own mug

106 replies

misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 15:40

AIBU to be a bit miffed if a family member visits my house and brings there own coffee mug and dish towel to dry their hands?

They are not clinical vulnerable or anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 16:34

@Kite22

Can I ask how you know they don't take their mug / t towel to other people's homes ?
They don't do it when I've been to others houses with them,

They also wouldn't want to risk offending anyone else

OP posts:
LakieLady · 17/04/2022 16:35

I've considered taking my own mug to MIL's.

I have big mugs of tea and MIL only has tiny mugs. I'm perpetually thirsty when I visit.

JaneJeffer · 17/04/2022 16:37

But @LakieLady I presume you'd tell them that and not leave them thinking they're a minger!

msbevvy · 17/04/2022 16:39

Is it possible that they feel more at home at your place than others so don't think it a big deal to bring their favoured mug along with them?

maddy68 · 17/04/2022 16:40

They are germ phobic. I'd rather they did that than didn't come

PegsandBags · 17/04/2022 16:42

I cannot imagine someone visiting me and openly bringing their own cup and tea cloth, WITHOUT EXPLANATION. That is just so provocative and nasty.

Go with your gut OP. It sounds as if they are out to get you and humiliate you in one way or another.

If you are not quite ready to go NC, then do not have them in your house but suggest you meet in a cafe nearby. Then ask if they have their cup and cloth for the server ready.

Have you a partner/husband? Are these people in laws or your parents?

I would not tolerate their rudeness, and would laugh in their face quite frankly and tell them to get lost with their cup and cloth.

godmum56 · 17/04/2022 16:43

it sounds likr you don't want this person in your house and the dishtowel is the thin end of the wedge.....

godmum56 · 17/04/2022 16:43

@PinkSyCo

Sorry, no they don't have a particular anxiety.

And no, not at other places.

There is no big drip feed, other than they have always put me down in subtle, passive aggressive ways and then denies it.

In that case they are being extremely rude, and not particularly subtly either, and would not be welcome in my home.

I'd call that a HUGE drip feed
Josette77 · 17/04/2022 16:47

I have OCD. Some places I'm fine, others no. Some homes I'm uncomfortable in because I find them dirty and I bring a travel tea made..

chisanunian · 17/04/2022 16:47

Is this your mother, OP?

Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 16:48

My parent and I'm really struggling with it.

Sorry it's a drip feed I didn't intend it to be, I find it very difficult to come to terms with.
I feel very guilty but I feel like they don't like me as a person, don't like my choices etc and now I'm older I have truly had enough of this toxic in my life.

I suppose I used the mug and tea towel example as, to most people, this would be seen as negative

OP posts:
tkwal · 17/04/2022 16:48

If they didn't think you were a decent person, why would they be visiting you in the first place? Don't let their issues get to you. Maybe they just prefer that shape or type of cup and use the tea towel to wrap it so it can travel safely with them

PurpleDaisies · 17/04/2022 16:48

I cannot imagine someone visiting me and openly bringing their own cup and tea cloth, WITHOUT EXPLANATION. That is just so provocative and nasty.

Since I generally only have people I like in my house, I’d assume if someone I knew did this, they were struggling in some way and they’d tell me about it if they wanted to.

romdowa · 17/04/2022 16:51

I've allergies , so I'd probably bring my own food and drink as well. Might bring something to dry my hands if I know you use a detergent that I'm allergic to.

PegsandBags · 17/04/2022 16:54

@PurpleDaisies

I cannot imagine someone visiting me and openly bringing their own cup and tea cloth, WITHOUT EXPLANATION. That is just so provocative and nasty.

Since I generally only have people I like in my house, I’d assume if someone I knew did this, they were struggling in some way and they’d tell me about it if they wanted to.

But these people are NOT people the OP likes, and it would appear that they don't have any respect for her either.

It is most rude and not normal to just arrive and use your own implements without any explanation whatsoever, and gaslight any questions OP has about their actions. They do not appear to do this anywhere else.

It sounds to me like OP is just the butt of their derision and she is trying hard to deal with it. It is not a sensory thing, it is not OCD, it is just plain rude and I'd say it is the tip of the iceberg.

JaneJeffer · 17/04/2022 16:57

I'm beginning to think that @PurpleDaisies is the OP's mother!

Manekinek0 · 17/04/2022 16:57

I wouldn't do it but have thought about taking my own mugs and glasses to other peoples homes. Certain thicknesses like the cheap stocky wine glasses make me want to gag.

JaneJeffer · 17/04/2022 16:57

@romdowa

I've allergies , so I'd probably bring my own food and drink as well. Might bring something to dry my hands if I know you use a detergent that I'm allergic to.
But you would presumably say why?
Seraphinesupport · 17/04/2022 16:58

to be honest i had a friend who was pretty unhygienic and her dishes always had leftover fodo on them drying out and stuff, her house wasnt minging but pretty dirty, i wouldnt take my own stuff id just not have anything but she would always say things that meant she thought her house was clean and tidy etc, like denial.. she couldnt see that it wasnt clean at all

bakey9 · 17/04/2022 17:00

My mum always makes little digs about my house "you should get a cleaner" when I was pregnant "that house isn't clean enough to bring a baby into". It feels awful, at one point I considered never inviting her in the house again. She's a good bit better now

CambsAlways · 17/04/2022 17:04

I would think they don’t don’t think my mugs are clean enough and my tea towel

BrokenCopper · 17/04/2022 17:06

Let them be, they have OCD, my mum will never eat the food her children cook. But she rather have the food from the dirtiest take away place as long as she doesn't see them prep the food. Something psychological that you can't change.

godmum56 · 17/04/2022 17:07

@misssunshine4040

My parent and I'm really struggling with it.

Sorry it's a drip feed I didn't intend it to be, I find it very difficult to come to terms with.
I feel very guilty but I feel like they don't like me as a person, don't like my choices etc and now I'm older I have truly had enough of this toxic in my life.

I suppose I used the mug and tea towel example as, to most people, this would be seen as negative

then tell her to fuck off
Original poster
misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2022 17:10

Yes, like I said it's not the only thing, it's part of a bigger picture.

I don't want to be outing. I grew up in a home with a lot of domestic violence and I was always put last. My feelings never considered really.

My Dad verbally abused me for so many years and it was all brushed over.
My self esteem has always been low and the subtle disappointment and digs are like a death by a thousand cuts

OP posts:
Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 17/04/2022 17:11

I would just do exactly the same to them every time you go to their house.

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