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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell a relative that their home is a shit hole?

100 replies

Pipsquiggle · 17/04/2022 09:34

OK I wouldn't say 'shit hole'

Bit of a back story here.

DH's DPs are hoarders - ever since I have known them - nearly 20 years. Unfortunately his mum died in 2020 and his childhood home is in a pretty bad state. Rooms you can't enter. Clutter everywhere.

Today my family and my DH's brother's family are going around to try to sort out the garden - clear the weeds, cut trees and get rid of the hundreds of broken plastic pots in his garden.

DSIL will make comments on 'what a state it is' - she is right, however, her house is in just a bad a state. Again clutter everywhere, rooms you can't get in to. They bought their house over 15 years ago 'to do up' - they haven't done one single thing and it's such a shame because it could be an amazing home.

Last year my DH and his siblings were given a substantial amount of money from his mother's estate - we didn't know she had a lot of money. They could completely do up their home from top to bottom but she always complains that she doesn't know what to do and she just needs more storage so that her house could be tidy - I just want to scream at her and tell her to get rid of 80% of the stuff in her house and get someone in to help her design the space. She and her DH are completely oblivious about how bad their house is even though there have been definite signals over the years.

I just feel sorry for their kids. My DH told me that he never invited his mates around after he was 15 as he was ashamed of the house.

Do I say anything if she mentions anything?
If so, what do I say?

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 17/04/2022 09:37

I find decision making difficult so how about you offer to discuss it with her and go to showrooms etc with her? She probably needs a place to start.

AlexaShutUp · 17/04/2022 09:38

Say nothing. I'm sure they already know.

Moochio · 17/04/2022 09:38

Ask them if they want your help. If not back off.

AchillesPoirot · 17/04/2022 09:39

I wouldn’t say anything.

Catcrazy83 · 17/04/2022 09:40

If you feel that sorry for the kids why don’t you just offer to help rather than bitch about them on mn

Shinyandnew1 · 17/04/2022 09:41

Have I read this right…you’re going round to help your husband’s dad tidy up his house, but you’re thinking of telling your husband’s sister that her house is a Shit hole?

Shinyandnew1 · 17/04/2022 09:42

DH’s SIL, even.

DrSbaitso · 17/04/2022 09:43

Of course you don't!

LoudingVoice · 17/04/2022 09:43

I think you could ask if she needs any help to get started on it, if she mentions it.

bellac11 · 17/04/2022 09:43

It doesnt affect you at all

Depending on how old the children are, this might constitute neglect or fire hazard but if they are already teens then it probably wouldnt meet threshold for intervention by social services.

In any case the person to say anything (if someone did say anything) would by your husband, not you

pictish · 17/04/2022 09:43

Yes you would be unreasonable. But you know that.

NoSquirrels · 17/04/2022 09:46

Do I say anything if she mentions anything?
If so, what do I say?

You won’t be discussing her house unless YOU bring it up. You’ll be discussing a different house.

As it’s absolutely none of your business, and she hasn’t asked for help, say nothing.

pinkBamboo · 17/04/2022 09:47

It's got absolutely nothing to do with you.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 17/04/2022 09:47

I have rellies that are three generations of hoarders. It's a form of OCD. They know they are hoarders but they can't help themselves and when they have been offered help in the past or been given it, it has made them so stressed the intervention was never worth it.

I would say and do nothing.

Lavenderlid · 17/04/2022 09:50

You could tell her you've been watching the Stacey Dooley programme about sorting your house out, has she seen it?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/04/2022 09:50

Do you realise that hoarding is a mental health disorder?

If she says anything, you could say how hard it must be for her* to have the same issues as her parents. And ask if she's ever sought help for it. And how can you support her.

*It's not just her though is it, as presumably it's her husband too.

Kitkat151 · 17/04/2022 09:53

It’s not your business....keep your gob shut

Shinyandnew1 · 17/04/2022 09:54

Your in laws are/were hoarders and have two sons-your DH and his brother, yes?

Your DH brother’s house is also a a state? Why are you going to say something just to your DH’s brother’s wife about it?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 17/04/2022 09:54

It's a form of ocd. Until you address the actual issue then the house will be chock a block. If you wanted to do something useful you could resesrch therapists and IF they mention wanting help then you could say this therapist has a good rep heres the number.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/04/2022 09:54

You sound quite angry OP, so be careful you aren’t using them as a punch bag for whatever is going on in your own life.

People hoard and have messy houses for mental health reasons, because it’s a learned habit and they don’t know any better, because some conditions like ADHD make it really hard to be tidy, and sometimes it’s a sign of relationships or lives being stuck.

You won’t be the right person to help them, because your outlook is so different. But you could ask if they’d like help, and if so, look up some local decluttering services and send over the details. In particular look for services that seem willing to address the emotional aspects of hoarding.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/04/2022 09:55

If she says anything, you could say how hard it must be for her to have the same issues as her parents*

It isn’t her parents though-we know nothing about them.

Lavenderlid · 17/04/2022 09:57

Yes it's the brother of the dh isn't it, far more likely he is the one holding back any improvements in their home, unless he has married another person with the same traits, which is possible!
I would live in an entirely different way if I had a different dp. It's hard changing someone who wants to collect everything.

Calafsidentity · 17/04/2022 09:59

You don't need to say anything! Just be kind and helpful eg invite your nieces and nephews over to your house regularly. Keep your frustration to yourself as it really won't help.

Butchyrestingface · 17/04/2022 09:59

@Shinyandnew1

Have I read this right…you’re going round to help your husband’s dad tidy up his house, but you’re thinking of telling your husband’s sister that her house is a Shit hole?

Lol, yeah.

Also, if your DSIL is married to your DBIL, surely the hoarding problem is more likely to be driven by HIM, since he's the one he grew up in clutter?

Whooshaagh · 17/04/2022 10:01

Unless you pay their mortgage it's none of your business.
Simple.

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