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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell a relative that their home is a shit hole?

100 replies

Pipsquiggle · 17/04/2022 09:34

OK I wouldn't say 'shit hole'

Bit of a back story here.

DH's DPs are hoarders - ever since I have known them - nearly 20 years. Unfortunately his mum died in 2020 and his childhood home is in a pretty bad state. Rooms you can't enter. Clutter everywhere.

Today my family and my DH's brother's family are going around to try to sort out the garden - clear the weeds, cut trees and get rid of the hundreds of broken plastic pots in his garden.

DSIL will make comments on 'what a state it is' - she is right, however, her house is in just a bad a state. Again clutter everywhere, rooms you can't get in to. They bought their house over 15 years ago 'to do up' - they haven't done one single thing and it's such a shame because it could be an amazing home.

Last year my DH and his siblings were given a substantial amount of money from his mother's estate - we didn't know she had a lot of money. They could completely do up their home from top to bottom but she always complains that she doesn't know what to do and she just needs more storage so that her house could be tidy - I just want to scream at her and tell her to get rid of 80% of the stuff in her house and get someone in to help her design the space. She and her DH are completely oblivious about how bad their house is even though there have been definite signals over the years.

I just feel sorry for their kids. My DH told me that he never invited his mates around after he was 15 as he was ashamed of the house.

Do I say anything if she mentions anything?
If so, what do I say?

OP posts:

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/04/2022 10:01

It isn’t her parents though-we know nothing about them.

Yes, I misread the OP and thought DSIL meant OP's husband's sister. The jist of my advice still stands though.

FairyCakeWings · 17/04/2022 10:02

Say nothing. It won’t help. These people aren’t going to have been oblivious to all their crap for years and suddenly have a revelation when you tell them they live in a shit hole. It will do nothing but create drama and animosity.

Jillyfernilly · 17/04/2022 10:02

Doing anything without mental health back up support will be pointless.

Been there got the t-shirt in my family.

My only regret is that it wasn’t really discussed/dealt with when there were more people around so now we are left with a widowed 70yr old in a falling down house with failing electrics that getting a sparky in to deal with would require a JCB.

70 yr old is firmly in denial and is the only surviving elder. Doesn’t listen to us “kids” so won’t seek help.

Currently dis-engaged about the house. It breaks my heart that my family member lives like that but I know that even if we go in and sort it all out it will recur again (took

godmum56 · 17/04/2022 10:09

stay out of it unless help is asked for.

LakieLady · 17/04/2022 10:13

@StooOrangeyForCrows

I have rellies that are three generations of hoarders. It's a form of OCD. They know they are hoarders but they can't help themselves and when they have been offered help in the past or been given it, it has made them so stressed the intervention was never worth it.

I would say and do nothing.

My parents were hoarders, as is my brother. When they died, it took more than 30 trips to the tip with a big estate car laden with crap, and that was without any of the big items, which were collected by a charity. It was a nightmare.

I've worked with tenants who are hoarders, and just steaming in is likely to be counter-productive, you have to take a real softly-softly approach, and start with just one or two items at a time. We had to do a two-day course on hoarding, but there's loads of good advice online, the Mind website was very useful to a friend in dealing with her mother's hoarding.

Telling your SIL that her house is a shithole won't help at all, OP!

Courante · 17/04/2022 10:13

No - definitely not.
If she keeps bring up that she feels overwhelmed/doesn't know what to do then possibly offer to help but you're going to need to tread very carefully to actually be of help to her.

MacaroniSqueeze · 17/04/2022 10:17

don't

BottleBrushTree · 17/04/2022 10:18

If they are actually hoarders they are mentally ill so there’s nothing you can do except stay away and leave them to it.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/04/2022 10:19

If it’s your brother in law that comes from a family of hoarders, maybe someone should be speaking to him rather than her.

Babymamamama · 17/04/2022 10:19

Hoarding is considered a mental health condition in its own right. It used to be grouped within the OCD category but more recently is considered as a separate and distinct category. Telling someone their house is a Shithole or whatever serves no purpose at all except to shame them. Is that your plan?
Are there dangers within the house?eg plugs covered with papers that could be a fire hazard? Bathroom off limits? Exits obstructed? If so I’d try to tackle those first. Ideally the fire brigade plus and social care should be informed preferably with their consent as they can offer (constructive) advice. Try to view it as an illness - it may help you feel less judgey.

Babymamamama · 17/04/2022 10:21

Sorry wanted to add ideally GP should be informed too as hoarding can have health impacts.

saleorbouy · 17/04/2022 10:23

I think you're treading in a delicate area with your SIL. Why don't you use leading questions such as.
Do you have plans today home improvements with Mother's money?
I like watching those renovation programmes on T.V the transformations are amazing.
This work is really revealing this house, it's amazing how much clutter we accumulate with kids, I need to sort some of our stuff, do you find that too?

Maybe you could offer to help if you get some conversation from the above questions.

Calling someone's home a sh#t hole will never endear them to you.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 17/04/2022 10:24

It's a mental health problem. How wonderful that you can solve it with a few words. Have you considered offering your services to psychiatry?

ShowOfHands · 17/04/2022 10:26

Our local authority has a hoarding strategy and aims to prioritise joined up support for the factors involved in hoarding. Do you know if you have a similar local strategy and how to trigger an appropriate intervention?

BritInAus · 17/04/2022 10:26

@Shinyandnew1

Have I read this right…you’re going round to help your husband’s dad tidy up his house, but you’re thinking of telling your husband’s sister that her house is a Shit hole?

This!

Really unsure why you'd need to make any judgement on your SIL's house?!

And surprised you need to come on an internet forum to ask if you should do this or not...

Wellshellsbells · 17/04/2022 10:29

Maybe she has no access to the inheritance? Maybe she wants to do the work but has no money to?

StopFeckingFaffing · 17/04/2022 10:29

What do expect to achieve by saying something?

Lifelong hoarders are not going to change because someone tells them they live in a shit hole

Stabbitystabstab · 17/04/2022 10:32

My parents hoard.
It's depressing, I've told them that I'll be getting a skip when they are gone and dumping the lot. They accepted the idea and don't seem too offended.

Vallmo47 · 17/04/2022 10:32

Not your place at all OP and you know it.

veevee04 · 17/04/2022 10:33

You don't have any intention of helping her just bitching about her. Why would you name your post to tell them their house is a shit hole?

BetsyBigNose · 17/04/2022 10:36

Our home has become incredibly cluttered over the last 5 years, in large part due to me being very unwell (as well as being a naturally messy person!) However, we decided that this Easter Holiday was the time to tackle it and it's going brilliantly so far - we have taken 3 large car loads of things to the Charity Shop Sorting Warehouse and the Recycling Centre. Once you get started, it's easy to be swept along as you start to see the results, but for someone like your SIL, if she does bring it up, you could refer her to one of the Professional Decluttering and Organising Companies. The one most local to me charges £35 per hour, and even if she didn't want to hire someone to do the entire project, just having someone in for a few hours to help her make a plan and get started might be all the help she needs.

Just to add - I have 2 teenage DDs, and part of my motivation for getting our home sorted was so that they wouldn't feel ashamed to have friends round.

FindingMeno · 17/04/2022 10:38

If you are clutter-free it's frustrating to see someone else in a cluttered situation, knowing how much difference it makes to your life to clear it.
But, not everyone is the same, so its best to keep quiet, unless asked.

SteakExpectations · 17/04/2022 10:39

After watching loads of episodes of Hoarders, the theme that I picked up on is that tidying the house and getting it ship shape is only a small part of the process. For a start, the tidying has to be done in a way that the hoarder is in control and it’s their decision for things to be removed from the home. Then it’s all about the aftercare, having someone to continue the work with afterwards. If you look online, you can probably find some local clutter cleaners or personal organisers. Another key thing that I’ve found is that once I’ve decided to get rid of something, that I don’t replace it with something else. I’ve also tried to gift items to friends that can use and enjoy them rather than just giving it all to charity.

So with regard to your SIL, I think first start with having some compassion and then if you do want to help her, offer your help, and encourage her to get some proper help involved too.

RicherThanYew · 17/04/2022 10:40

I see whete you're coming from Op, they have a bit of a brass back calling out someone else on having an unkempt home when their own is in a similar position but it still doesn't mean that it's ok for you to broach the subject. As sad as it is, I would leave the subject alone and say nothing but if she ever tells you that she wants to sort it out, you can offer to help then.

RicherThanYew · 17/04/2022 10:42

where, brass neck, condition not position. I hate this phone.

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