Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To tell a relative that their home is a shit hole?

100 replies

Pipsquiggle · 17/04/2022 09:34

OK I wouldn't say 'shit hole'

Bit of a back story here.

DH's DPs are hoarders - ever since I have known them - nearly 20 years. Unfortunately his mum died in 2020 and his childhood home is in a pretty bad state. Rooms you can't enter. Clutter everywhere.

Today my family and my DH's brother's family are going around to try to sort out the garden - clear the weeds, cut trees and get rid of the hundreds of broken plastic pots in his garden.

DSIL will make comments on 'what a state it is' - she is right, however, her house is in just a bad a state. Again clutter everywhere, rooms you can't get in to. They bought their house over 15 years ago 'to do up' - they haven't done one single thing and it's such a shame because it could be an amazing home.

Last year my DH and his siblings were given a substantial amount of money from his mother's estate - we didn't know she had a lot of money. They could completely do up their home from top to bottom but she always complains that she doesn't know what to do and she just needs more storage so that her house could be tidy - I just want to scream at her and tell her to get rid of 80% of the stuff in her house and get someone in to help her design the space. She and her DH are completely oblivious about how bad their house is even though there have been definite signals over the years.

I just feel sorry for their kids. My DH told me that he never invited his mates around after he was 15 as he was ashamed of the house.

Do I say anything if she mentions anything?
If so, what do I say?

OP posts:

Happyher · 17/04/2022 10:45

Talk to the fire service. They very keen to know about hoarders from a fire safety point of view but they can also put you in touch with other local services that may assist. Hoarding can be an illness. Look up Diogenes Syndrome but you may never change this behaviour but you can help DFil manage things

zingally · 17/04/2022 10:50

I wouldn't mention it (and certainly don't bring it up!). It's not really any of your business.

Would you even offer help if she asked for it?

Off the top of my head, I can think of 2 separate people who live in a MUCH lower condition than I would be happy with personally. But have I ever mentioned it to them, unprompted? Absolutely not. It would be very rude and probably quite hurtful. I'm sure they are fully aware that things have got on top of them, and they don't need anyone telling them that.

lapasion · 17/04/2022 10:52

In my experience, there’s not an awful lot you can do about hoarding. Even if you went to SILs house and emptied most of it into a skip, decorated it beautifully and gave her plenty of storage space, it’ll soon slip back into its previous state. Therapy can help, but really does require them to admit the problem and be willing to work on it. If she has the money for it, you could suggest a professional organiser next time she complains about the house. They may be able to give her some practical advice and help her see the extent of the problem.

rainbowmash · 17/04/2022 10:53

I work somewhere that helps support people who have hoarding issues (and I have friends with similar hoarding problems).

I completely understand the frustration and anger you feel when you know exactly what they need to do, but they just won't do it.

It's great that they have family who want to support them to clear things like the garden. Sadly it can be counterproductive to rely on others to clear the house/garden on behalf of the hoarder as it means they end up taking even less responsibility for their space, and it can lead to strained relationships.

Example: some friends of mine have been hoarding for years and their house is very difficult to be in. A while back, another friend was cat-sitting for them and decided to do a "good deed" and clean a huge area of the house for them. Problems started when the hoarders felt uncomfortable about the unasked-for cleanup. It got even worse when the hoarders let the space quickly get back to its original state. Now these friends barely speak to the cat-sitter because they are so ashamed that her work was undone so quickly.

It might be worth looking for resources in your local area that could provide active expert support to hoarders who want to improve their living space. Sadly they have to really want that support in the first place.

Notimeforaname · 17/04/2022 10:55

No you dont tell then that, theyre clearly all suffering mental health issues.
Offer actual help or just keep your mouth closed.

pictish · 17/04/2022 10:56

It’s a very good point actually. The OP says ‘my dh’s brother’s family’ so it’s far more likely the disorganisation and collecting their home is down to him, the son of the hoarders.
I like how the sil gets blamed though. Must be having a vagina…it makes one entirely responsible for housekeeping.

Runaround50 · 17/04/2022 10:57

Some people prefer to live that way.
Or there are attachment / mental health issues lurking.

Unless anyone specifically asks for your assistance, I would steer clear and focus on your own life.

What’s a shit hole to one, is acceptable to another.

Original poster

Pipsquiggle · 17/04/2022 10:58

@Catcrazy83

If you feel that sorry for the kids why don’t you just offer to help rather than bitch about them on mn

They are lovely people. Would love to help more but we live over 2 hours away. Pretty sure I am not outing them by what I have written

OP posts:

LBFseBrom · 17/04/2022 10:59

Don't say anything, it won't help.

Honestly, I know. I am a hoarder and my home is in a bad way. I'm aware of it and have to sort it myself, eventually. If I had people coming round and criticising I would completely shut myself away - sometimes I feel as though I would like to disappear but it's not that easy. It's a favourite fantasy :).

It's hard for others to understand.

Just stay out of it though I know you mean well.

Bananarama21 · 17/04/2022 11:03

It sounds like it won't be best if you were there especially if you want to say something to the sil. My dm is a hoarders its embrassing some follow in the foot steps others don't. I'm the opposite but you have no right to judge her.

Lalliella · 17/04/2022 11:04

Umm I think she might know what state her house is in, she doesn’t need you to tell her. We’ve got loads of stuff and our house is a bit cluttered sometimes. People occasionally make comments and it pisses me off. They can fuck right off with their judgy views. I’d rather be enjoying myself than sorting out my house.

3luckystars · 17/04/2022 11:05

Being the child of a hoarder is so hard. In my experience (which is only a few people!) you either go the same way (thinking everything is valuable) or the complete opposite (thinking nothing is valuable and dumping everything) I don’t know which version is right but I do know that being a child of a hoarder takes it’s toll.

I would suggest you offer her the name of someone who can help her but I would not criticise her in any way.

All the best.

jytdtysrht · 17/04/2022 11:11

Don't say anything. It won't help and can only be taken badly. She is either struggling mentally, overwhelmed with no idea how to start, has a skewed view of normal etc. Just leave her alone.

TheBigDilemma · 17/04/2022 11:12

No need to tell her, problem with hoarders is that even if you tell them… they won’t believe you.

So it is a pointless exercise whose only outcome will be to cause a family problem so keep your mouth shut.

JennyJumpup · 17/04/2022 11:14

I would save your breath. IMO something like this needs more than a mention if it is to have any kind of effect.

MajorCarolDanvers · 17/04/2022 11:16

My SIL's house is a shit hole. Cluttered and filthy. Underneath all the mess and muck is a beautiful and grand Victorian house.

I can't visit anymore its so bad. But I wouldn't dream of saying anything - unless I was asked.

Jillyfernilly · 17/04/2022 11:16

I'm not a child of a hoarder as it is slightly removed but I spent a lot of time in that house as a child.

My own ability to cope with my own house depends on my mental state - if I'm low (ie. after my father died) I had to keep all the stuff.... things got really grim. Prior to this I had a reputation for being ruthless with possessions (jokes at Christmas about whether gifts would ever actually make it to my home of just go straight to the charity shop).

Now my acute grief has receded I'm better able to manage both by organising the stuff I do want to keep so it fits into my existing storage and throwing away some of the stuff that it was absolutely imperative I kept from my parental home.

If this is a family that has been bereaved fairly recently there will possibly be similar pressures at play.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 17/04/2022 11:19

@Shinyandnew1

Have I read this right…you’re going round to help your husband’s dad tidy up his house, but you’re thinking of telling your husband’s sister that her house is a Shit hole?

This ^

The phrase 'mind your own business' seems appropriate here.

VereeViolet · 17/04/2022 11:20

I don’t think aggressive judgement is the way to go with this. My dad was/is a hoarder. From my point of view, it’s a kind of avoidance behaviour with anxiety/overwhelm at the root of it. In any case, it’s not something that changes overnight and harsh criticism is likely to backfire.

There is probably something that you fail at in life. Eat too much? Drink too much? Smoke cigarettes? Don’t exercise? Gamble? Do you want someone who is succeeding in this area to step in and tell you how bad you’re doing? People that are harming themselves with a behaviour usually know it. But changing it is a process that requires energy and focus - maybe therapy.

Just because it’s easy for you to keep a tidy environment doesn’t mean it’s easy for others. Just offer to help if you really care about them.

CambsAlways · 17/04/2022 11:21

Omg! It’s none of your business! Keep your nose out!

whowhatwerewhy · 17/04/2022 11:21

If you feel that strongly about saying something I would.
Obviously tactfully , say You we're happy FIL reached out for help as it's a big task , and once it's done he can keep on top of things .
If she mentions her own home say your happy to help , or give her ideas how to tackle it ,maybe suggest she sorts so many bin bags of rubbish a day , so many for charity , sells on eBay / Facebook/ vinted ect .
Put a positive spin on it , once shes minimised the house she can star on the renovation

PortalooSunset · 17/04/2022 11:26

She knows. You won't help by saying anything.
My house is a shit hole. Despite working full time I can't afford a cleaner (though actually it's a tidier I need, not a cleaner). I also have a chronic illness and am menopausal so I simply don't have the energy to do anything about it.
If someone told me my home was a tip but didn't offer a solution, how would that help me?

shinynewapple22 · 17/04/2022 11:27

@Shinyandnew1

Your in laws are/were hoarders and have two sons-your DH and his brother, yes?

Your DH brother’s house is also a a state? Why are you going to say something just to your DH’s brother’s wife about it?

@Shinyandnew1
The OP refers to her SIL so I think she is talking about her husband's sister .

HoarderAMA · 17/04/2022 11:27

As a hoarder I have been offered help and mostly taken it ( not from people who say "I will come and throw everything out except your furniture" would YOU like it if i did that?) But 99% of times if I ask family for that help they wont do it.

Is there true desire to genuinely help or are just frustrated with her?

IMO the only people who have helped me are professionals. Even more so paid declutters. Because they dont ask why or judge. If theres will and money a outsiders is better. Everyone makes bad choices with poor mental health and lecturing isnt the medicine to help.

FabFitFifties · 17/04/2022 11:38

If their home is as bad as that, and they have children under the age of 18, please ring Social Services. You can do so anonymously.

Flip

1 2 3 4