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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell a relative that their home is a shit hole?

100 replies

Pipsquiggle · 17/04/2022 09:34

OK I wouldn't say 'shit hole'

Bit of a back story here.

DH's DPs are hoarders - ever since I have known them - nearly 20 years. Unfortunately his mum died in 2020 and his childhood home is in a pretty bad state. Rooms you can't enter. Clutter everywhere.

Today my family and my DH's brother's family are going around to try to sort out the garden - clear the weeds, cut trees and get rid of the hundreds of broken plastic pots in his garden.

DSIL will make comments on 'what a state it is' - she is right, however, her house is in just a bad a state. Again clutter everywhere, rooms you can't get in to. They bought their house over 15 years ago 'to do up' - they haven't done one single thing and it's such a shame because it could be an amazing home.

Last year my DH and his siblings were given a substantial amount of money from his mother's estate - we didn't know she had a lot of money. They could completely do up their home from top to bottom but she always complains that she doesn't know what to do and she just needs more storage so that her house could be tidy - I just want to scream at her and tell her to get rid of 80% of the stuff in her house and get someone in to help her design the space. She and her DH are completely oblivious about how bad their house is even though there have been definite signals over the years.

I just feel sorry for their kids. My DH told me that he never invited his mates around after he was 15 as he was ashamed of the house.

Do I say anything if she mentions anything?
If so, what do I say?

OP posts:

FabFitFifties · 17/04/2022 11:42

PP saying it's their choice and not your business are wrong. The health, safety and emotional wellbeing of children, us everyone's business.

Propertyworries · 17/04/2022 11:43

OK I've known 2 hoarders.

Hoarder 1: depressed alcoholic. We went in while she was on holiday with her agreement, threw out everything. House was spotless, she was pleased. Within a few years it was worse than ever, wouldn't allow tradespeople in for essential repairs. She moved and house was renovated at cost of 10k. Sad really.

Hoarder 2: a relative who suffered a brain injury. House stuffed to the rafters with junk from jumble sales, old food in jars, clothes etc. Also would not allow any relatives in the house due to shame. She died and we went in and cleaned the place out, it was rather nice really.

...within a few days her husband got all the crap back in.

Ergo: they have to want help. Otherwise you are only making yourself feel better, not them.

Sometimes the desire to feel in control of one's own environment outweighs the desire not to live in filth.

D0lphine · 17/04/2022 11:51

Ask if she wants help decluttering. If she says no then forget it.

Not your problem to solve.

Also note that hoarding can be a mental illness, so it's not as simple as getting rid of 80% of her stuff, just as it's not as simple for someone with anxiety to just chill out.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/04/2022 11:54

The OP refers to her SIL so I think she is talking about her husband's sister

That’s not how I read it. The Op says that she is going to her parents in laws house to clear up, alongside with her DH and her DH’s brother’s family.

Perhaps you might come back and clarify, @Pipsquiggle

If your DH has a family of hoarders but you’re going to tell someone who’s married into this family (like you) that their house is a shithole, that’s a bit crap.

AgentJohnson · 17/04/2022 12:01

They aren’t oblivious, they know, they just don’t want to admit it. You ‘telling them’ won’t change anything except create an atmosphere and division.

Hoarding is a mh issue and ‘straight talking’ isn’t a cure.

What should you do? Absolutely nothing.

whynotwhatknot · 17/04/2022 12:05

My parents were tidy im not

i would just get defensive if anyone said my house is a shithole i know it is they prob know and its jsut deflection when the say fil is

whynotwhatknot · 17/04/2022 12:06

Just to add i dont have dc

Branleuse · 17/04/2022 12:07

Send her some links to decluttering services and storage solutions.

She might be offended but its still more useful than telling her her house is a shithole and she might not even be aware that decluttering services are a thing

Weefreetiffany · 17/04/2022 12:08

Sounds like they had a poor example growing up and need some mental health support now, not you pointing the finger.

TimBoothseyes · 17/04/2022 12:09

Why are you singling out the SiL? There are 2 adults living in that house so why is it only her responsibility to sort the clutter out? Why can't your husband talk to his brother about it instead?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 17/04/2022 12:36

In my direct experience, save your breath.
No comment in the world will make any actual improvement to a hoarder, unless possibly you are a trained therapist.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 17/04/2022 12:39

What are you hoping to achieve by saying those things, exactly?

Original poster

Pipsquiggle · 17/04/2022 13:33

I am here. Sorry haven't read all your comments. I won't be mentioning anything. I will update you later

OP posts:

WomanStanleyWoman · 17/04/2022 14:17

So is your frustration down to the fact that she can see her late MIL’s house as being full of junk, but fails to view her own home in the same way?

I think it’s important you acknowledge that it’s much easier to dismiss someone else’s possessions as junk or clutter. Your SIL has no attachment to her late MIL’s things. Everything in your SIL’s house, however, was chosen by her or BIL. Of course not everything will be a cherished keepsake, but at some point one or both of them needed or wanted it enough to buy it.

If you asked my mother if my house is cluttered she would undoubtedly say yes. What she probably wouldn’t tell you is that much of what she considers ‘clutter’ is a much-loved collection. She’ll say ‘Do you really need so much?’ or ‘Couldn’t you put just some of it away?’ - missing the point of a collection entirely, apart from anything else. But it does rankle to hear things I love being dismissed as mere clutter while, the last time my parents moved house, we found boxes of magazines dating back to the 80s under the bed.

The point is, it’s very easy to decide something is junk when it isn’t yours - and not everyone’s idea of an amazing house will be the same. Your cluttered and untidy might be their lived-in and homely. Your clean and minimalist might be their boring and lifeless. If neither of them are unhappy, they don’t need your intervention.

Hollywolly1 · 17/04/2022 14:49

Maybe her shithole is a happy home though,why would you want or even be bothered to say such a nasty thing about someone's home is beyond me

VyeBrator · 17/04/2022 14:52

They are lovely people. Would love to help more but we live over 2 hours away. Pretty sure I am not outing them by what I have written

I'm pretty sure you're outing yourself though...

Either way, don't be so rude and keep your nose out. If their home is a shit hole they'll already know it and if you don't want to help, then mind your own business.

JovialNickname · 17/04/2022 14:57

Hoarding has a very strong genetic component. I have a friend who is a hoarder and his dad was too. He absolutely loathed his dad's hoarding and having to grow up that way; however now he is exactly the same.

fossilsmorefossils · 17/04/2022 15:17

Hoarding is a mental health problem. Like anorexia. You wouldn't tell an anorexic to just eat a burger, telling a hoarder to just throw stuff away is just as useless and judgmental.

drawacircleroundit · 17/04/2022 15:24

@Moochio

Ask them if they want your help. If not back off.

This.

Staffy1 · 17/04/2022 15:33

A quote from King Thistle in Ben and Holly’s little kingdom: “There’s a time for telling someone their house is a big, smelly mess and a time for being…just nice”. He didn’t tell Mrs Witch her house was a big, smelly mess and even though he said there was a time to do so, I don’t think he would, as it’s just rude :)

IncompleteSenten · 17/04/2022 16:01

I'd only say something if she made a snide comment about the state of the parents house. People in glass houses and all that. Other than that, no.

midsomermurderess · 17/04/2022 16:09

As others have said, hoarding is complicated. People usually know, and are ashamed, that they are doing it. Telling them to buck up doesn't work. If you can't be helpful, back off. WA

bellac11 · 17/04/2022 17:35

Just to also say that not everyone with a cluttered messy house is a hoarder with a MH problem.
No one on here knows the level of 'clutter' in the sister in laws house (who I read to be the husbands sister).

Original poster

Pipsquiggle · 17/04/2022 17:58

Back from my FILs house.

Just to clarify, my DH has a DB and SIL is married to him. I really like my SIL, we get on well and she makes family events more fun as our DHs and FIL are very introverted and can be hard work.

I mention my SIL specifically as she is the one who mentions the state of FILs house and yet doesn't acknowledge her house is in a similar state. Our FIL is definitely a hoarder. I think SIL is a hoarder, I think her husband is an enabler.

Good progress has been made in the garden - for the first time I can see the garage at the end of the small garden

I didn't mention anything. You are right, it's none of my business. She did ask how we made decisions on our house that we had done up 2 years ago. I showed my Pinterest boards. Good news is she's booked to see a kitchen designer / builder in the next few weeks. She's also putting more storage in upstairs

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 17/04/2022 18:24

If I was you I would research ocd / hoarding support for your local area and show to dp to see if he thinks the info should be shared with her. We have genetic ocd in our family. I have a theory a lot of hoarders have inattentive ADHD - it’s different from hyperactive ADHD. It’s more about being messy and having trouble organising yourself.

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