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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL rude to me

87 replies

Yorkiebex81 · 17/04/2022 05:34

Hi everyone, sorry for the long post but I would love people's opinions on AIBU and too sensitive or is my BIL just plain mean. It's causing issues with me and dh and has done for years and I'm just now completely fed up with it.

My BIL (dh brother) ever since I've been in their family (13 years) has said unkind things to me whenever I see him. He can also be friendly but he seems to always get these comments in on any occasion we meet up.
The main one I've never forgot was when we had a takaway around my dh parents. After we had all finished the meal i sat talking to my dh and the bil comes over and asks me am I going to wash up in the kitchen with the other women. I was absolutely gob smacked. I'm no wallflower and told him I wasn't put on this earth to wash up after men. And he just said I was rude for not helping his mum when his wife and sister was, i looked over at my dh and he said to BIL, ignore her shes got a bag on. I was even more gob smacked by this. Obviously afterwards my dh got the biggest telling off to which he said he was sorry and wouldn't do that again.
He hasn't done that again but what he does do is keep quiet when his brother makes comments.
Other examples would be commenting on my frame, how thick my legs are on more than one occasion and always asks whats my latest diet. I'm not overweight btw.
We also once went to the same physio and as I got talking with her she mentioned that she knew someone else with my dh surname so I innocently said oh yes that's my BIL. However we actually weren't married at the time but we had 2 children so that was how I referred to him. On the next occasion we had a family gathering he broadcasts to the living room that when his physio mentioned this to him he was puzzled as to who she was on about as he doesn't have a SIL. He then says you are just a gf not a family member. My husband just sat there and said nothing.

I could go on with so many other comments but I don't want to bore you all any further. The thing that puzzles me is I knew him before me and my dh got together and he was always lovely and full of compliments.
So anyway where we are at currently is i would like my dh once and for all to bring these things up and tell him he's out of order. Is this wise? My dh says just ignore him he's an idiot. Obviously I'm also aware my husband is gutless with his brother and that's why he won't say anything.
Thanks Bex

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 17/04/2022 05:50

See I think you should have helped with the washing up, as a dinner guest it's the respectful thing to do, and I also think it's a bit presumtious and rather weird to refer to him as your brother in law when your not even married! The talking about your appearance is out of line though.

Scarydinosaurs · 17/04/2022 05:53

Your biggest problem is your husband. Your BIL sounds difficult. The weight comments - have you directly said to him to stop?

KatherineJaneway · 17/04/2022 06:00

You have a dh problem, he needs to be dealing with your BIL's rude comments / behaviour.

See I think you should have helped with the washing up, as a dinner guest it's the respectful thing to do

Just because op is a woman? There were already two people washing up, why do they need more.

Giraffesandbottoms · 17/04/2022 06:15

I also would have helped with the washing up if “all the women” were because even if I don’t agree it’s a women’s job, I’m a guest in a home where that seems to be the done thing/I would want to mirror the host and hostess.

MissMaple82 · 17/04/2022 06:16

@KatherineJaneway

You have a dh problem, he needs to be dealing with your BIL's rude comments / behaviour.

See I think you should have helped with the washing up, as a dinner guest it's the respectful thing to do

Just because op is a woman? There were already two people washing up, why do they need more.

One wash, one dry, one put away! I think its the respectful thing to do and it's what I always do when eating at others houses. Or at least offer, I think its rude not to, this isn't a male female thing, it's a politeness thing as a guest, not a sibling/child, but a guest.
AchillesPoirot · 17/04/2022 06:22

I would have helped with the washing up because I was a guest.

The physio - technically he’s right. I don’t think of my brother’s GF as my SIL. to me, that has a legal meaning and they’re not married so she’s not a SIL.

The weight stuff I’d have told him he was rude and to knock it off myself

ThinWomansBrain · 17/04/2022 06:31

The fact that your partner supported his brother on the mysogynistic washing up comments, and now stays silent but doesnt support you makes me wonder what his true feelings are.
BIL sounds an unpleasant twat and best avoided
I'd also be pretty annoyed at the lack of confidentiality on the part of the physio - but it sounds as if you are encouraging them to overstep boundaries.

sleepygal · 17/04/2022 06:32

@MissMaple82

See I think you should have helped with the washing up, as a dinner guest it's the respectful thing to do, and I also think it's a bit presumtious and rather weird to refer to him as your brother in law when your not even married! The talking about your appearance is out of line though.
Bil and husband could have washed up. They were Lazy fekkers. guests don't have to do someone else's house work when they're invited for a meal 😳
2Hot2Handle · 17/04/2022 06:34

Have you talked to your DH about BIL’s behaviour overall, or only after individual events? I would have that standalone conversation with your husband to work out where the bigger problem is, BIL, or DH’s lack of support.
Ask DH to explain why he never defends you.

If DH refuses to acknowledge the issue, or won’t promise future support, explain to him that it means he’s asking you to go to family events, knowing you’re going to be verbally attacked and that he’s telling you he’s okay with that. Make sure you’re clear on the type of support you want, so he doesn’t go in guns blazing and starts a big family argument. You need backup as it’s happening and/or for him to pull BIL aside for a quiet word about his behaviour.

If he refuses this, tell him you’ll have to consider whether to attend future family events with him. Counter any “you’re blowing this out of proportion”, or “being unreasonable” arguments from him, with questions. “So you believe I should just put up with the nasty comments, then?” “So you’re saying that these comments aren’t a big deal and that I’m wrong to feel upset by them?” Make him for the work of rationalising his behaviour, rather than shutting you down.

With your BIL, I’d start with a calm (slightly injured tone), “that was a mean thing to say. Why do you think that?” Call him out when it’s happening, so that he has to defend himself. By pointing out he’s being mean, you’re letting him and the room know that he started it and that it’s not okay.

Porcupineintherough · 17/04/2022 06:34

The male/female washing up split would piss me off (bet it wasnt them who cooked either). My solution when this started in our wider family was to start insisting that dh and our sons come help too, leaving my bil and nephew sat on their lordly arses by themselves. Try that w your spineless dh next time.

Other than that YANBU, he's a rude arsehole. Avoid.

fffffeeeedddduupp · 17/04/2022 06:36

@MissMaple82

See I think you should have helped with the washing up, as a dinner guest it's the respectful thing to do, and I also think it's a bit presumtious and rather weird to refer to him as your brother in law when your not even married! The talking about your appearance is out of line though.
As could bil???? If he thought it was a big deal why didn't he offer to help?
Vsirbdo · 17/04/2022 06:38

Well I think you were rude to not help and just leave it to his mum and wife; yes the men should have also helped but a better response would be to have said yes of course, what are you doing to help bil and DH?
He most likely thinks you’re rude because of that.
I think you need to stop expecting your DH to say anything and talk to your bil privately and say these things to him. You don’t need your DH to do it for you and actually that won’t really help improve your relationship with your bil

fffffeeeedddduupp · 17/04/2022 06:42

Your bil sounds like a dick and you need to call him out on his shitty comments. If he mentions diet asks if he's needing tips.!If he talks out your legs say loudly in front of everyone "that's really rude could you not talk about me in that way"

But you need to talk to dh and ask why he tolerates you bil speaking to you in this way. If he won't support you it doesn't say much for him.

I think I'd also limit/avoid time with bil he doesn't sound very pleasant. Can dh not see him on his own.

luckylavender · 17/04/2022 06:42

@Porcupineintherough

The male/female washing up split would piss me off (bet it wasnt them who cooked either). My solution when this started in our wider family was to start insisting that dh and our sons come help too, leaving my bil and nephew sat on their lordly arses by themselves. Try that w your spineless dh next time.

Other than that YANBU, he's a rude arsehole. Avoid.

Read the post. It was a takeaway.
TheRossatron · 17/04/2022 06:43

I knew him before me and my dh got together and he was always lovely and full of compliments.

He probably secretly has feelings for you and this is his pathetic way of trying to fight it.

timeisnotaline · 17/04/2022 06:44

Ignore the people saying you should have helped with the washing up. You were a guest more than the hostess and her daughter are, plus I’d have nudged my husband if I felt any expectations and said aren’t you going to help? But clearly your husband is just as bad really, so you need to focus on your marriage and your house. Bil wouldn’t be welcome in my house. I’d say to Dh I can’t make you talk to him, I can’t make you stand up for someone in your family being an asshole to your wife, I can protect my home. He’s not allowed in. If you let him in, I will clearly need a new house where you don’t live to enforce my basic standards that people who treat me like shit don’t come into my house. At some point deciding you're in a relationship with me also means not accepting someone in your life being very rude to and about me. If you can’t get to that point then I’m not sure what the point of you is.

Porcupineintherough · 17/04/2022 06:44

@luckylavender and so?

FeelingYellow · 17/04/2022 06:44

In fairness, I wouldn’t expect my guests to help wash up or even tidy up. I invited them over.

MarshmallowSwede · 17/04/2022 06:46

So the women do the cleaning while these ww e of spaces sit around? Why couldn’t the sons help their mother?

Your bother in law is an asshole and your husband is an asshole for not telling his brother to shut the f-k up and watch how he speaks to you.

KatherineJaneway · 17/04/2022 06:48

One wash, one dry, one put away! I think its the respectful thing to do and it's what I always do when eating at others houses. Or at least offer, I think its rude not to, this isn't a male female thing, it's a politeness thing as a guest, not a sibling/child, but a guest.

I read op as bil asking why she wasn't in the kitchen as she was female. It was her place to wash up bring a woman.

People who visit my house are my guests. I wouldn't let them wash up or dry unless close family. Friends offer but they are politely refused.

Giraffesandbottoms · 17/04/2022 06:48

It’s not about what people would do in their own houses - I also wouldn’t want my guests to help clear up etc. However, it’s polite to do the done thing in a household. That’s why sometimes you take your shoes off when you don’t want to/wouldn’t at home.

I wouldn’t dream of not offering to help at someone’s house, regardless of whether I were a man or a woman. I think it’s rude not to offer.

zoemum2006 · 17/04/2022 06:49

What the hell!!! Guests don’t wash up!! I’ve literally never heard of this in my life. That’s so weird.

Sprigofthyme · 17/04/2022 06:52

@MissMaple82

See I think you should have helped with the washing up, as a dinner guest it's the respectful thing to do, and I also think it's a bit presumtious and rather weird to refer to him as your brother in law when your not even married! The talking about your appearance is out of line though.
I would always offer to help wash up. I think it’s polite.

However, there were also 2 other dinner guests, op’s husbands and BIL, why weren’t they in the kitchen assisting.

Zapx · 17/04/2022 06:53

He sounds pretty awful. If your DH refuses to say anything (shame) I'd go for a few mumsnettisms Grin "Did you mean to be so rude?" obviously being the classic. If that doesn't deter him, you could try a massive eye roll with "I knew you probably make some kind of comment like that today, any others to come or was that it?" I feel for you, he sounds tough to be around.

Giraffesandbottoms · 17/04/2022 06:56

However, there were also 2 other dinner guests, op’s husbands and BIL, why weren’t they in the kitchen assisting

I have to say at my mother’s, we never do anything as the children but our partner’s always offer. When I go to MIL it’s the opposite. Children don’t feel like guests in their parent’s home but their spouses do, I suppose! I just a child in law is in that funny space where they aren’t enough of a guest to be told not to help but aren’t enough family to feel comfortable doing nothing

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