BIL rude to me

[Yorkiebex81]

Hi everyone, sorry for the long post but I would love people's opinions on AIBU and too sensitive or is my BIL just plain mean. It's causing issues with me and dh and has done for years and I'm just now completely fed up with it.

My BIL (dh brother) ever since I've been in their family (13 years) has said unkind things to me whenever I see him. He can also be friendly but he seems to always get these comments in on any occasion we meet up.
The main one I've never forgot was when we had a takaway around my dh parents. After we had all finished the meal i sat talking to my dh and the bil comes over and asks me am I going to wash up in the kitchen with the other women. I was absolutely gob smacked. I'm no wallflower and told him I wasn't put on this earth to wash up after men. And he just said I was rude for not helping his mum when his wife and sister was, i looked over at my dh and he said to BIL, ignore her shes got a bag on. I was even more gob smacked by this. Obviously afterwards my dh got the biggest telling off to which he said he was sorry and wouldn't do that again.
He hasn't done that again but what he does do is keep quiet when his brother makes comments.
Other examples would be commenting on my frame, how thick my legs are on more than one occasion and always asks whats my latest diet. I'm not overweight btw.
We also once went to the same physio and as I got talking with her she mentioned that she knew someone else with my dh surname so I innocently said oh yes that's my BIL. However we actually weren't married at the time but we had 2 children so that was how I referred to him. On the next occasion we had a family gathering he broadcasts to the living room that when his physio mentioned this to him he was puzzled as to who she was on about as he doesn't have a SIL. He then says you are just a gf not a family member. My husband just sat there and said nothing.

I could go on with so many other comments but I don't want to bore you all any further. The thing that puzzles me is I knew him before me and my dh got together and he was always lovely and full of compliments.
So anyway where we are at currently is i would like my dh once and for all to bring these things up and tell him he's out of order. Is this wise? My dh says just ignore him he's an idiot. Obviously I'm also aware my husband is gutless with his brother and that's why he won't say anything.
Thanks Bex

What shouldn't OP's partner and his brother do the washing up? They were guests too

You aren’t a guest in your own parent’s home

FWIW if I went to someone’s house and the women were expected to wash up I would do it, and then I would invite them to my house and get all the men to wash up 😃

@Giraffesandbottoms

What shouldn't OP's partner and his brother do the washing up? They were guests too

You aren’t a guest in your own parent’s home

You are when you're a fully grown adult. Very bizarre to expect partner's of grown up children to help but not the children themselves.

In our family everyone mucks in with washing up apart from whoever cooked it.

You should have told BiL that he wasn't helping either and you'd join him when he went out to help.

@aSofaNearYou

I don’t know why but that’s how it is at my mother’s! I quite like it because it means I get to chill out whilst DH does stuff 😃

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@aSofaNearYou

I don’t know why but that’s how it is at my mother’s! I quite like it because it means I get to chill out whilst DH does stuff 😃[/quote]
Really?? I wouldn't be visiting my DPs parents if this was the case, how on Earth do you pitch that to new partners?

@aSofaNearYou

I don’t pitch it - I have 3 siblings and we are all married and I think what happened was all 3 SILS used to help out in the kitchen and I told DH he had better go and help as well. But then at his mother’s he never offers to help and I do.

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@aSofaNearYou

I don’t pitch it - I have 3 siblings and we are all married and I think what happened was all 3 SILS used to help out in the kitchen and I told DH he had better go and help as well. But then at his mother’s he never offers to help and I do.[/quote]
Ah I guess it's just something that's happened then. I can't imagine my DP outright saying to me "right at my parents house you need to help out and I don't, because you're the guest", he wouldn't have got away with it!

I know women shouldn't have to do it, but let's face it we do.

Why do we? (As OP has so ably demonstrated, we actually don't!)

@Dottielottie123

I wouldn’t be waiting for DH or anyone to jump in to my defence, I would be doing it myself. Loudly and in front of them all. I would even mention how he used to be with you, along the lines of “ excuse me, where do you get off speaking to me like that? My weight(or whatever z comment was) is none of your concern, stop being so damn rude. Funny how before I was with your brother you were only ever kind charming and complimentary and now you are a rude spiteful prick, what changed????’ Put him on the spot for once!

Agree with this. Call him out, every time.

It worked with my vile BIL, he treats me with kid gloves now.

@Outfoxedbyrabbits

I know women shouldn't have to do it, but let's face it we do.

Why do we? (As OP has so ably demonstrated, we actually don't!)

Thanks to these threads more women may see they don’t have to accept it either, little changes.

Oh god, honestly I would end things with my partner over this because how can you ever feel comfortable in the relationship when his family berates you and he doesn’t do anything