BIL rude to me

[Yorkiebex81]

Hi everyone, sorry for the long post but I would love people's opinions on AIBU and too sensitive or is my BIL just plain mean. It's causing issues with me and dh and has done for years and I'm just now completely fed up with it.

My BIL (dh brother) ever since I've been in their family (13 years) has said unkind things to me whenever I see him. He can also be friendly but he seems to always get these comments in on any occasion we meet up.
The main one I've never forgot was when we had a takaway around my dh parents. After we had all finished the meal i sat talking to my dh and the bil comes over and asks me am I going to wash up in the kitchen with the other women. I was absolutely gob smacked. I'm no wallflower and told him I wasn't put on this earth to wash up after men. And he just said I was rude for not helping his mum when his wife and sister was, i looked over at my dh and he said to BIL, ignore her shes got a bag on. I was even more gob smacked by this. Obviously afterwards my dh got the biggest telling off to which he said he was sorry and wouldn't do that again.
He hasn't done that again but what he does do is keep quiet when his brother makes comments.
Other examples would be commenting on my frame, how thick my legs are on more than one occasion and always asks whats my latest diet. I'm not overweight btw.
We also once went to the same physio and as I got talking with her she mentioned that she knew someone else with my dh surname so I innocently said oh yes that's my BIL. However we actually weren't married at the time but we had 2 children so that was how I referred to him. On the next occasion we had a family gathering he broadcasts to the living room that when his physio mentioned this to him he was puzzled as to who she was on about as he doesn't have a SIL. He then says you are just a gf not a family member. My husband just sat there and said nothing.

I could go on with so many other comments but I don't want to bore you all any further. The thing that puzzles me is I knew him before me and my dh got together and he was always lovely and full of compliments.
So anyway where we are at currently is i would like my dh once and for all to bring these things up and tell him he's out of order. Is this wise? My dh says just ignore him he's an idiot. Obviously I'm also aware my husband is gutless with his brother and that's why he won't say anything.
Thanks Bex

@MissMaple82

See I think you should have helped with the washing up, as a dinner guest it's the respectful thing to do, and I also think it's a bit presumtious and rather weird to refer to him as your brother in law when your not even married! The talking about your appearance is out of line though.

While the men are sitting doing nothing? Catch on, love.

What you should have said, OP, is 'I'll do my part after all the men have done theirs".
Your problem is not BIL, it's the whole family believing women serve men while they sit on their arses! Refuse to facilitate it & laugh at anyone complaining.
One more thing - LTB.

He fancies you, and it's probably a competitive sibling blow that his brother got to be with you. I don't think it has to be a huge problem, if you see it for what it is, you can kind of laugh it off. He's a clown, who's miffed because his brother got a woman he thinks is attractive. Stand your ground though, he shouldn't be rude to you, but I'd be amazed if there wasn't some attraction bubbling beneath the surface. Next time he comments on your diet, or weight, ask him why he seems so interested in your body.. see how red he goes..

Agree with everything @Spannwr1971 says above. I don't see it as a massive issue, just keep catching it and he'll stop doing it eventually.

Have you never just asked him or confronted him at the time?

I would always reply either to tell him he was rude or ask him he was being deliberately rude?

On the dishes as it was the first offence I would probably have let it go not expecting it to happen again.

If he mentioned my body shape I would tell him it’s inappropriate to make comments, if he persisted I would ask why he felt it was ok to offend me?

I sort of agree with the SIL example but I would have replied, yeah it was just shorthand but I am a family member why do you think I’m not? And your DP most definitely should have backed you.

Also agree that the physio is out of order there.

You need to confront him every time but you need your DP to have your back.

Is your DP unable to stand up to his brother or does he think along the same lines? Big difference.

@TheRossatron

I knew him before me and my dh got together and he was always lovely and full of compliments.

He probably secretly has feelings for you and this is his pathetic way of trying to fight it.

That's what I was thinking too.

@TheRossatron has it.

Based on his behaviour when you first knew him, BIL has feelings for you. The nasty comments are his way of convincing himself you’re no longer attractive to him.

The solution. DH tells him to desist or you won’t be going to any more family events.

You don’t have to sit there silently while he targets you with unpleasant comments. There’s no obligation here at all. Either challenge him on his rudeness directly or tell your dh you would like to leave. And do.
Your dh might be in thrall to him but you are not.
“I’m not putting up with this, I’m going home.”

@MissMaple82

See I think you should have helped with the washing up, as a dinner guest it's the respectful thing to do, and I also think it's a bit presumtious and rather weird to refer to him as your brother in law when your not even married! The talking about your appearance is out of line though.

What shouldn't OP's partner and his brother do the washing up? They were guests too.

The brother in law could have spent time washing up himself rather than telling the OP to do it.

Yes, it's polite to offer to help clear up but you can do it if you have a penis. That I would have objected to too.

It’s outrageously rude to tell as guest they should help to clear up while sitting on one’s arse oneself.

I can't believe the comments agreeing with the BIL that you should dutifully trot off to the kitchen because there are women in it, when there were clearly enough people washing and drying anyway.

I have a BIL a bit like that, not quite so rude but would like to be. I was so horrified by his behaviour that I just stared at him in shock and ignored him and now I have made it known that I will not visit DP's parents if he is present because his behaviour is so bad. I honestly thought it was verging on bullying and I don't socialise with people to be bullied.

He hates me, which is a strangely pleasing result.

You were rude not to help to offer to clean up after eating at your in law’s house. You all should have offered to help your in laws. He was rude talking about your legs. He was technically correct, he wasn’t your brother in law.

I wouldn’t be waiting for DH or anyone to jump in to my defence, I would be doing it myself. Loudly and in front of them all. I would even mention how he used to be with you, along the lines of “ excuse me, where do you get off speaking to me like that? My weight(or whatever z comment was) is none of your concern, stop being so damn rude. Funny how before I was with your brother you were only ever kind charming and complimentary and now you are a rude spiteful prick, what changed????’ Put him on the spot for once!

I agree. This idea that the OP should have been jostling for space in the kitchen with the other women even when she was not needed, is just backing the stupid bil up.

@MissMaple82

See I think you should have helped with the washing up, as a dinner guest it's the respectful thing to do, and I also think it's a bit presumtious and rather weird to refer to him as your brother in law when your not even married! The talking about your appearance is out of line though.

Why couldn't the BIl or the DH have helped?

He sounds like a total dick and I would avoid whenever possible.

I'd be more upset if my DH didn't stand up for me though.

I agree with @TheRossatron too. Also he's a dickhead and you need to pull him up on it. Don't be all gentle gentle. Forget your H because he ain't sprouting no spine anytime soon so..

My BiL is just like this, self centred, inappropriate comments to me every time we meet and has (imho) bullied my DH all his life. My DH ignores similar behaviour, minimises it, ignores it, tries to explain it away as "he didn't really mean it" etc. My Fil was similar in his comments and attitude. So I went completely NC, except for funerals.

My DH was bullied further because I didn't meet the expectations of me turning up and putting up with the abuse about appearance, weight, opinions etc and sitting there like a good wifey.

I found going NC quite liberating, even spent some Christmas days on my own (my own choice), but this was far far better than putting up with that crap.

Might you present a challenge to being dominated, as well as being an outsider? and at some level he sees you as a threat to his dominance. I guess you have 3 choices of 1. Put up with it and don't resist 2. Attend but argue back etc 3. Withdraw. But which would make you happiest, as he is unlikely to change?

FFS sake the misogyny on this thread. So OP needed to wash up (after a takeaway) because she has a vagina but the DH and BIL who are actual family members don’t?! Have a day off please 🙄

OP he’s a nasty, jealous, vile piece of work. You don’t owe him anything - life is too short. Avoid him at all costs. Your DH needs to get his act together too.

@pictish

It’s outrageously rude to tell as guest they should help to clear up while sitting on one’s arse oneself.

👏👏

I'm gobsmacked there are people defending the washing up comment. Yes it might be nice manners as a guest but this is such obvious, disgusting misogyny. How are people ignoring that??

He sounds like an utter twat OP, honestly I would stop visiting his family until DH sorted it out.

Jesus. If everyone had been helping with the washing/tidying up, and OP was conspicuous in her decision to, say, sit there on her phone, picking at her cuticles - the 'You should've helped' brigade might have a point. But if someone who was doing absolutely nothing, told me I for some reason should not be doing absolutely nothing, when the men in the room were similarly occupied doing absolutely nothing, I'd have had to infer - correctly - that he as basing his logic on the fact of my tits and vagina. And told him to jog on.

The 'He wasn't your BiL' thing is also bollocks. Ok - so she wasn't married to her (long term) partner (with whom she had two kids) at the time - but the BiL knew damn well who the bloody physio must've been talking about, ffs, so the affected confusion is just fucking tiresome. The other day, a woman at my yoga class who is a solicitor said "Oh, I know your father-in-law; we use his chambers quite a lot." Did I say "Gracious; I can't think who you're talking about - I don't have a father-in-law?" No, I did not. Because I'm incredibly quick, I realised within minutes 🙄 that she was referring to my kids' paternal grandfather (I've never been married to their dad) and responded accordingly. Because I'm not a tit.

@Changeee1546789

FFS sake the misogyny on this thread. So OP needed to wash up (after a takeaway) because she has a vagina but the DH and BIL who are actual family members don’t?! Have a day off please 🙄

OP he’s a nasty, jealous, vile piece of work. You don’t owe him anything - life is too short. Avoid him at all costs. Your DH needs to get his act together too.

This. I can't believe how many people are calling OP rude for not washing up. If the family needed extra help to wash up a few plates and forks then the BiL and dh should have offered to help. You don't need a vagina to be able to use a tea towel or sponge.

How old is BIL he sounds like a pathetic teenager who fancies you and knows he can’t so is being horrible. To be honest if your DH is a causal misogynist and your BIL is a dickhead misogynist I would prob bow out of the family now, rather than sticking it out and slowly having your DH true nature revealed to you after the best years of your life, DC, etc.