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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

BIL rude to me

87 replies

Yorkiebex81 · 17/04/2022 05:34

Hi everyone, sorry for the long post but I would love people's opinions on AIBU and too sensitive or is my BIL just plain mean. It's causing issues with me and dh and has done for years and I'm just now completely fed up with it.

My BIL (dh brother) ever since I've been in their family (13 years) has said unkind things to me whenever I see him. He can also be friendly but he seems to always get these comments in on any occasion we meet up.
The main one I've never forgot was when we had a takaway around my dh parents. After we had all finished the meal i sat talking to my dh and the bil comes over and asks me am I going to wash up in the kitchen with the other women. I was absolutely gob smacked. I'm no wallflower and told him I wasn't put on this earth to wash up after men. And he just said I was rude for not helping his mum when his wife and sister was, i looked over at my dh and he said to BIL, ignore her shes got a bag on. I was even more gob smacked by this. Obviously afterwards my dh got the biggest telling off to which he said he was sorry and wouldn't do that again.
He hasn't done that again but what he does do is keep quiet when his brother makes comments.
Other examples would be commenting on my frame, how thick my legs are on more than one occasion and always asks whats my latest diet. I'm not overweight btw.
We also once went to the same physio and as I got talking with her she mentioned that she knew someone else with my dh surname so I innocently said oh yes that's my BIL. However we actually weren't married at the time but we had 2 children so that was how I referred to him. On the next occasion we had a family gathering he broadcasts to the living room that when his physio mentioned this to him he was puzzled as to who she was on about as he doesn't have a SIL. He then says you are just a gf not a family member. My husband just sat there and said nothing.

I could go on with so many other comments but I don't want to bore you all any further. The thing that puzzles me is I knew him before me and my dh got together and he was always lovely and full of compliments.
So anyway where we are at currently is i would like my dh once and for all to bring these things up and tell him he's out of order. Is this wise? My dh says just ignore him he's an idiot. Obviously I'm also aware my husband is gutless with his brother and that's why he won't say anything.
Thanks Bex

OP posts:

BritishDesiGirl · 17/04/2022 07:00

@TheRossatron

I knew him before me and my dh got together and he was always lovely and full of compliments.

He probably secretly has feelings for you and this is his pathetic way of trying to fight it.

This. It definitely sounds as if he has things for you.

OldLadyInPolyester · 17/04/2022 07:00

I refer to my partner's sister as a SIL despite not being married because we've been together as long as you and have kids together. It may as well be true, it's easier to say and people instantly understand the connection. It's a bit of a pathetic thing to be pedantic about. I guess he may have been ribbing you about wanting to be married to his brother?

Everything except the appearance comments I would let pass over your head. He's either teasing you or got some backwards ideas. Either way, not worth bothering with.

I would call him out on the appearance things though. In front of his mum/ wife if possible as they're more likely to back you up. Just something like 'please don't comment on my weight. It's rude and upsetting.' Leave it at that and I bet he'll feel a bit of a nob. Men tend to be rude to each other in a 'laddish' way. Might be trying this with you. Sounds like he hasn't picked up on the cues that this isn't cool.

GalactatingGoddess · 17/04/2022 07:02

I don't think you should've helped with washing up by default. Maybe offered to tidy but also so should your DH and BIL

I have a very rude BIL and over time have just gone NC or if I have to very LC. He has no relationship with our DC as he is sexist and homophobic and I don't need them hearing that shit

TenRedThings · 17/04/2022 07:10

Next time BIL is rude call him up on it. Tell him you find his comments unkind or inappropriate or sexist.

Tabasco007 · 17/04/2022 07:11

I would have offered to help do the dishes cos it's the polite thing to do, especially as all the other women were, mum, sister and his wife. I know women shouldn't have to do it, but let's face it we do.

He's wasn't your BIL at the time so I guess its a bit weird to refer to him as that. The diet thing seems rude, but I am going to have to ask, as it would be totally rude to just throw that in to the conversation, so. have you been on diets in the past and spoken about them ? If so, thats why he would have mentioned it, and the truth is, if he mentioned it in a pisstaking, sneery way, then I think it might be because he either doesn't really like you very much, and/or he's a knob and is baiting you. You could talk to him and ask if there is a problem between you and try and resolve it, or just be polite at family events, and don't let him get you down. I think you are be a bit over sensitive myself.

Giraffesandbottoms · 17/04/2022 07:16

Do you think he thinks it’s brotherly banter and has really overshot the mark?

SScoobiedoo · 17/04/2022 07:18

I would say you have a rude, nasty, ? Jealous, interfering BIL - avoid him. Tell DH if he's going to allow him to be rude and sexist (lazy bastards insisting the women do the washing up- men can lift tea towels) you don't want to socialise with him. If you allow yourselves to be manipulated so he is in a position to be snotty to you - why?

Snorkello · 17/04/2022 07:18

Pretty sure he fancies you! If he was super flattering before, then he’s probably miffed you’re with his brother not him. Pulling pigtails kind of behaviour.

Other tell-tale signs are things like watching you, getting in your way. Does he do anything else slightly strange?

Tabasco007 · 17/04/2022 07:24

@zoemum2006

What the hell!!! Guests don’t wash up!! I’ve literally never heard of this in my life. That’s so weird.

Oh come on, you go to your mums for a Sunday roast ( I know this event was a takeaway) and you just leave your mum to do all the washing up, I think and hope not! Other events, not family, but dinner party style, no, you do not expect them to help, sometime they do though, with my closest girlfriends, I would always help clear the table and offer to help. Thank good for dishwashers though!

Madre123 · 17/04/2022 07:24

IGNORANCE at its finest......he's obviously feeling extremely intimidated by you for some reason....I would bite back with some quick fire one liners when he offends you next....hold no bars and go in both barrels....kill with kindness! 😊

FrangipaniBlue · 17/04/2022 07:27

Unless I've read the OP wrong there were already 3 people in the kitchen?

MIL (DHs mum)
SIL (DHs sister)
BILs Wife

So nothing to do with it being siblings don't feel like guests so don't offer, only their partners do and nor does it require 4 people to clear up after a takeaway!!!

Clearly this family have views on what a woman's role is and BILs wife is bought into that.

I personally would have no part in it whatsoever.

FrangipaniBlue · 17/04/2022 07:28

When he asked me "why aren't you in the kitchen?"

My replies would have been "why aren't YOU in the kitchen?"

OutsideLookingOut · 17/04/2022 07:29

YANBU.
You did the right thing on the washing - I hate it when people just accept stupid sexist rules and then your children would see and model this too.

Your DH is pathetic though. I could not respect a man like that.

Cakeandcardio · 17/04/2022 07:29

I too think he fancied you before you got with DH and he's completely jealous. I see this in my class all the time - boys teasing the girls they like. I understand this time it's mean and cruel but it's the same idea. He's probably completely jealous of his brother.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 17/04/2022 07:30

He definitely has a thing for you and wishes he made a move before his brother did. And now he's making you pay the price. I would not put up with his mouth, either dh does something or you deal with it but I would be losing respect for dh

pasturesgreen · 17/04/2022 07:33

Sounds as though you have a massive DH problem.

Original poster

Yorkiebex81 · 17/04/2022 07:35

Thanks everyone for your input, I do like do get differing opinions as I know we are all different with different ways of doing things.

I think the atmosphere around that whole family is chauvinistic as they all make comments about women's sport being wrong and it's disgusting that women's boxing is on the tv. They all know full well I was a sportswomen before kids and so I do take these things personal.

With regards to washing up his sister's bf was also there and was never asked, so I assumed it was because I'm a woman...which would make me rebel more. Also with my family and friends we would never offer as guests and we would never let them. It's just not in our culture so it never occurred to me that, that's the done thing. (Obviously a sheltered life 🫣)

I agree my dh is spineless and that probably is my main problem here. He knows I feel this way and says he struggles with standing up to his dad and brother all his life ..he's very timid compared to them .
Once again though thanks for your replies

OP posts:

Rinatinabina · 17/04/2022 07:36

Or BIL and DH could have washed up and helped their own mum.

Your BIL is a dick and your DH is a coward. If my BIL told me to get in the kitchen I’m fairly sure DH would have gone nuclear. And I come from a very traditional culture. God help him if he said anything about my appearance and I am actually pretty lardy. But that wouldn’t happen because my BIL is a really nice person and my DH would always have my corner.

PathOfLeastResitance · 17/04/2022 07:39

If he felt that someone needed to be pitching in with the washing up then he could’ve done it. That incident aside, he’s a knob. Your H is clearly not going to engage with this and I see it as your issue to deal with. Personally I don’t want my H to talk for me. He would be pulled up on every comment and asked why he thinks that’s an appropriate thing to say and that sometimes, him saying nothing would be more appropriate. I would also not be attending events where he would be. As an adult I get to decide who I interact with and although on occasion it is unavoidable, it sounds like your life would be better not being in the vicinity of him. I’d also be telling my H why.

Jonagirl · 17/04/2022 07:42

Answering your actual question about wanting your dh to bring this up once and for all and that being a wise choice, I would say no, don't bring it up, it's not wise. The examples you have given are situational, he should react in the moment or not at all. That said, I would tell him to stand up for you in future but saying "remember the time you thought op should help with dishes....." or "remember the physio called her your sil......", those moments are gone. Leave them in the past but ask him to not stay quiet in the future. That said, you said yourself you are no wallflower so you can speak for yourself too, and if you feel unsupported and your oh is sitting there saying nothing ask him "are you going to say anything" so it prompts him to, though in doing that you need to be prepared for him to say he disagees if he doesn't agree with you too.

He sounds annoying alright but over 13 years if they are the worst examples, I would deal with the future and leave the past there

Duracellbunnywannabe · 17/04/2022 07:44

@MissMaple82

See I think you should have helped with the washing up, as a dinner guest it's the respectful thing to do, and I also think it's a bit presumtious and rather weird to refer to him as your brother in law when your not even married! The talking about your appearance is out of line though.

I think either OP or her DH should have helped with the washing up.

LolaandTim · 17/04/2022 07:48

You aren't sensitive at all; his comments are persistent and pretty personal at times.

Tbh I think he's annoyed you're with his brother and not him. Regardless of the reason though, don't rely on your partner to say something - tell BIL he's a dick yourself. DH doesn't get to be annoyed about this btw.

Ottersmith · 17/04/2022 07:50

He sounds like a prick and fuck that washing up comment. Maybe if DH was washing up it would be awkward not to help but to invite people round to your house and expect the women to wash up if fucked.

I agree with @timeisnotaline completely. You don't have to see this man. If your husband asks why you aren't going to a family thing you can say "I'm not going because your brother speaks to me like shit and you do nothing to call him up in it.' he sounds sexist and awful.

All these people saying you should have washed up are talking absolute shit and were probably raised in sexist households and just accept their own oppression. Or they are men.

Original poster

Yorkiebex81 · 17/04/2022 07:51

Yes he has done a few weird things, for example we all said goodbye one Xmas and kiss on the cheek as you do. When it came to me and him kissing on the cheek he looked at me funny for a second after and I became paranoid I had done it wrong to the point I now avoid kiss anyone on the cheek thinking I'm socially awkward haha

OP posts:

Lunificent · 17/04/2022 07:57

It’s not good that your DH is, as you say ‘spineless’. Do you want to stay with him?

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