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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend hasn't been in contact since my baby was born

94 replies

Chiwi · 16/04/2022 06:40

More of a wwyd.
I have a friend who I've known for aroun 6/7 years, pre children for both of us. We met at work and both no longer work at the same place and remained friends. She had a child about 18 months before me and we moved from boozy nights out to zoo days, soft play and quiet dinners post bedtime when we can fit them in. She's a lovely person and I've valued her freindship but we've never been ontop of each other.
Since her first child she has sadly suffered several losses and difficulties conceiving. This has devastated her, understandably, one of these losses especially traumatic as it was during lockdown and she was alone. I have recently had my second child. I told her I was pregnant very sensitively and she replied quite cruelly but I let it go, I know it was hard for her. We didn't speak for a while, not because I was angry just because I was suffering with an awful pregnancy and I know she wouldn't want to hear that, she would love to have an awful pregnancy I'm sure. I reached out towards the end of my pregnancy and we met for dinner, I supported her through a difficult work thing and provided some formal assistance in a work meeting where she was being treated unfairly.
A few weeks later I gave birth to my son. I didn't directly message her, I didn't many people actually. My partner, who she is friends with, announced his arrival on social media so she knows he's here. But I've heard nothing from her, he's now 4 months old.

Should I have let her know directly he was born? It felt cruel to message her, especially when she would have seen anyway. If she hadn't seen on social media or heard from mutual friends she knows I wouldn't still be pregnant at this point. Should I reach out to her? Or is she giving me clear signals that for whatever reason she feels our friendship has ended?
Just to say I experienced a loss before my first pregnancy, she knows this. So I do understand to an extent, but I dealt with it very differently to her and have gone on to have 2 healthy babies so it's very much not the same.

OP posts:

Pyri · 16/04/2022 06:46

Infertility is so tough, I really feel for people who go through it

That said, it’s somehow irrelevant to what you’re asking. You had a baby and didn’t tell your friend but thought her seeing on social media from your partner was sufficient. I think if she’s a good friend, you’d have told her yourself and used that as the opener.

But it sounds like maybe time to take your foot off this friendship for now as she’s not in the headspace for it

SareBear87 · 16/04/2022 07:20

Losses are incredibly difficult to move forward from, especially if you've had more than one.

My BBF had a son just 4 weeks after my 3rd loss (a mmc) and it utterly broke me. Even now 6 months on I can't bring myself to meet up with them. It is just too painful.

Space and time are healers and I'm sure I won't feel this way forever.

I avoid social media, birth/pregnancy announcements are like salt in wounds and a constant reminder of what I lost.

4 months isn't long, if you value the friendship give her time. Maybe drop her a generic message if you're concerned. I'm sure it's not a slight against you and more just a way of coping against grief for her Xx

Original poster

Chiwi · 16/04/2022 07:31

I'm not remotely angry with her. I just wondered if I handled the situation badly and if she was hurt and would want to hear from me?
I wish I'd have sent her a message telling her he'd arrived but he was jaundiced and we were back and forth to he hospital, his sister took some time to get used to his arrival and it was all right before Christmas so time ran away with itself a bit. The dust is only now starting to settle.

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 16/04/2022 07:35

I'd reach out and see how she is/ask if she would like to meet. How she reacted wasn't nice but if you can let that go and see if the friendship is still there you might be able to get back on track.

BishyBarnyBee · 16/04/2022 07:38

Could you message something along the lines of:
How are you? Sorry I've not been in touch, things were a bit tricky after baby chiwi was born. I'd love to hear from you if you are up to it but I know this is difficult for you so I'll understand if it's too soon for you.

PAFMO · 16/04/2022 07:40

Leaving aside that she probably hurts whenever anyone has a successful pregnancy- which is natural for her, but not the "fault" of anyone...you didn't contact her during your pregnancy and she hasn't been told other than by (possibly) seeing your partner's FB that the baby is born.

I fail to see anywhere in this where she has reacted badly.

MRex · 16/04/2022 07:40

It doesn't sound like you've contacted her at all, so it's a bit strange you're complaining she hasn't contacted you. Life can be busy and you'll be unaware of other issues she has; the work issue might have caused ongoing stress or wider family issues may have come up. She might be struggling with the baby, but I wouldn't just assume that and I'd just keep it light and friendly regardless. E.g.
"Sorry it's been ages. I would love to meet you for dinner in the next few weeks to catch up, just the two of us, can you be free one weekday evening?" /
"We've been missing you. Are you all free on X or Y weekend for a trip to the [insert place suitable for her and your older kids]?"

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 16/04/2022 07:43

I would message her and ask if she would like to go for coffee or something.

I do think you were in the wrong to not message her directly though. I understand the sensitivity but she should have heard the news first hand from you.

seensome · 16/04/2022 07:48

I would leave it and not worry about it, she doesn't sound like a good friend, the loss must be hard but surely you'd be mature enough to congratulate a friend rather then being rude.

Original poster

Chiwi · 16/04/2022 07:48

I don't think I've said she has reacted badly or complained about her not contacting me.
I'm wondering if, given she hasn't contacted me, I should contact her and how to do that in a way that's sensitive to her.

I did contact her during my pregnancy- I told her I was pregnant and she responded quite badly which I let go. And then I supported her at work, including attending a meeting with her about a week before my baby was born.

OP posts:

PersephonePomegranate · 16/04/2022 07:49

I fail to see anywhere in this where she has reacted badly.

Errr, right here?:

told her I was pregnant very sensitively and she replied quite cruelly but I let it go

TakeMe2Insanity · 16/04/2022 07:50

I’m going through what your friend is going through and what I will say it is her grief/pain and there is no rational for it. I’ve had some friends tell they were pregnant through a big announcement and then announce the birth similarly and I haven’t responded. Their good fortune has stung almost feeling like a dagger in my heart that their baby is here and mine isn’t. Recently I’ve had a close friend tell me is the most gentlest kindest of ways and then being part of the journey. When the baby was finally born I was filled with joy and relief. Theres no magic formula it’s just what’s right for your friend, when she is ready.

I do agree with pp who have said you haven’t contacted her either, so maybe message and say can the older kids have playdate or lets go for dinner etc.

Original poster

Chiwi · 16/04/2022 07:50

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo
I think you're right. Like I said time ran away with itself. And then when I thought about it I probably overthought her reaction.
I totally take that on board.

OP posts:

WTF475878237NC · 16/04/2022 07:50

I think I'd just say "hi how are you? I was wondering if you would like to go for coffee? I'll leave baby with Dad so we can have a good catch up?"

Even if you're breastfeeding you can do 2 hours hopefully just the two of you.

Honestopinion23 · 16/04/2022 07:51

Why do you have to announce/confirm that your baby is here? You say that she probably already knows from social media and as you were pregnant when she saw you, she’d definitely know you’ve had the baby by now. I can’t see why you would need to contact her just to say the baby has arrived. Maybe ask if you can meet up some time and you can then mention that your second DC arrived safely in conversation if it comes up.

Original poster

Chiwi · 16/04/2022 07:52

@PersephonePomegranate ok but I didn't say how she reacted to me telling her I was pregnant so I don't think you're in a position to say whether she reacted badly or not. I just said she reacted badly, which she did and she acknowledged she did.

OP posts:

Okeydoky · 16/04/2022 07:53

She's a friend, just drop her an honest heartfelt message, saying you've been thinking of her and ask how she is, and apologise for the fact that whilst you thought what you did at the time was the right thing, you're now wondering if you misjudged how to handle it and you hope she wasn't hurt by you not contacting her directly about the birth.

Original poster

Chiwi · 16/04/2022 07:54

@Okeydoky this is excellent advise. I think I'm going to do this.

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 16/04/2022 07:54

I have always enjoyed hearing from close friends about births....males or females. I am trying to think when getting a FB message from the husband wouldn't be enough......but I think in my situation I have few close friends and class their husbands as friends so wouldn't remotely be offended not to hear from Mum. Even in those situations I would usually text my friend to say congratulations, hope all is well, here for you when ready etc etc.

Jist drop her line and see what happens. Be breezy. Maybe your gut is telling you this has run its course....... But always worth one last check.

Then put all your focus into your baby - congratulations. And keeping friends who do support you. And making new mummy friends locally.

Giraffesandbottoms · 16/04/2022 07:55

What did she say specifically when you told her you were pregnant? That would change my opinion on things. I have so much sympathy for infertility but nastiness to a friend isn’t acceptable

Original poster

Chiwi · 16/04/2022 07:58

@Giraffesandbottoms I told her I was pregnant and that I wanted to tell her in text so she could have whatever private reaction she wanted. I knew it was hard for her and that I still wanted to be there for her where I could and where she wanted me to be.
She replied "oh right, was it an accident then?"

OP posts:

Flittingaboutagain · 16/04/2022 08:03

I think you know from previous experience a heartfelt message is the wrong tone with this friend. Just go breezy and don't make it all about the baby.

nopenotplaying · 16/04/2022 08:04

Have you not been in touch to see how she is? You are friends, she's struggling with infertility. You've not been the best friend.

worriedatthistime · 16/04/2022 08:04

@PAFMO apart from when they went out for dinner so they did have contact

Original poster

Chiwi · 16/04/2022 08:08

@nopenotplaying I think perhaps we've both been a bit shit in that case? We've both not contacted each other, so perhaps that's a sign it's run its course.
I accept I maybe didn't handle it perfectly, I had a 6 day induction, a poorly newborn and a pretty upset toddler, so I'm cutting myself some slack there. But I don't think I'm a shit friend.

OP posts:

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