Friend hasn't been in contact since my baby was born

[Chiwi]

More of a wwyd.
I have a friend who I've known for aroun 6/7 years, pre children for both of us. We met at work and both no longer work at the same place and remained friends. She had a child about 18 months before me and we moved from boozy nights out to zoo days, soft play and quiet dinners post bedtime when we can fit them in. She's a lovely person and I've valued her freindship but we've never been ontop of each other.
Since her first child she has sadly suffered several losses and difficulties conceiving. This has devastated her, understandably, one of these losses especially traumatic as it was during lockdown and she was alone. I have recently had my second child. I told her I was pregnant very sensitively and she replied quite cruelly but I let it go, I know it was hard for her. We didn't speak for a while, not because I was angry just because I was suffering with an awful pregnancy and I know she wouldn't want to hear that, she would love to have an awful pregnancy I'm sure. I reached out towards the end of my pregnancy and we met for dinner, I supported her through a difficult work thing and provided some formal assistance in a work meeting where she was being treated unfairly.
A few weeks later I gave birth to my son. I didn't directly message her, I didn't many people actually. My partner, who she is friends with, announced his arrival on social media so she knows he's here. But I've heard nothing from her, he's now 4 months old.

Should I have let her know directly he was born? It felt cruel to message her, especially when she would have seen anyway. If she hadn't seen on social media or heard from mutual friends she knows I wouldn't still be pregnant at this point. Should I reach out to her? Or is she giving me clear signals that for whatever reason she feels our friendship has ended?
Just to say I experienced a loss before my first pregnancy, she knows this. So I do understand to an extent, but I dealt with it very differently to her and have gone on to have 2 healthy babies so it's very much not the same.

@sauvignonblancplz totally agree re secondary infertility and I don't think it's any less painful for her because she has a child already.

In terms of your friend’s “cruel” response, it really doesn’t sound that cruel. I mean, in her shoes I’d have found your message quite patronising and “look at me and how considerate I’m being of your feelings”, so she was probably just responding in kind.

I also find it really odd that you didn’t text her after the birth. You say you had a lot going on, baby unwell, close to Christmas etc. Despite all of that, I’m assuming you took the time to respond to your other friends and family who sent you messages after the birth? But basically because she didn’t instigate it, you chose not to reach out to her.

After how you’ve treated her, I’m not surprised she’s taken a step back from the friendship.

You’ve been a good friend to her OP helping her in her time of need a week before the birth. You cannot be held responsible for how somebody else feels.

@giltedges some friends I did respond to when I got round to it. I wasn't amazing at contacting anyone tbh. So yeah maybe I should have, but I certainly don't think I treated her badly. And I'm happy with my text to her, as someone who has also suffered a loss I'd have appreciated something similar and I think it's shitty to reply to a pregnancy announcement by asking if the baby is an accident. She apologised for that when we met up for dinner without me mentioning it so I just totally disagree with you there.

It sounds like you only want to contact her specifically to talk about your newborn. Maybe you should contact her just to see how she is?

@GiltEdges it was a rude response , and OP said she messaged 2 bf thats all , not whole wider circle
OP had just had a newborn and another child to deal with, for all the friend knows OP could of been struggling she had just had a baby after all
She didn't have to text anyone direct
I have just had family members who have had a baby one family member let us all know, which is fine
I then text my congratulations, I didn't hear back for a week or so but thats fine that have a new baby

Can't be too considerate because it's too look at me, can't be inconsiderate and forget to message or you're a shit friend. Can't win 😂

I think some people have misread the situation. I'm not angry with her, I don't care about her reaction really. She's having a shit time I get it. I just wanted to know if it seemed like she would want me to contact her or if she's giving me clear signs the friendship is over from her point of view.

@GooglyEyeballs no not at all. Just don't want it to be the elephant in the room, my thoughts are that other people's children are boring conversation.

@Chiwi

Can't be too considerate because it's too look at me, can't be inconsiderate and forget to message or you're a shit friend. Can't win 😂

I think some people have misread the situation. I'm not angry with her, I don't care about her reaction really. She's having a shit time I get it. I just wanted to know if it seemed like she would want me to contact her or if she's giving me clear signs the friendship is over from her point of view.

Why do black and white? Presumably you both have decades of life ahead of you. She can rekindle the friendship when she's ready.

If her mum had died would you be more understanding if she didn't want to celebrate Mother's Day with you and your mum? She's lost babies. She's grieving. Don't run her nose in it.

I do think you should have told her directly when the baby was born, though understand that doing doing that came from an attempt to be sensitive about it. I think a heartfelt message at this point might be a bit much, infertility is emotionally exhausting and having a heart to heart with someone who’s just had a baby may be more than she can take on right now. I think you sound really thoughtful and you’ve tried really hard to navigate this sensitively, and it may be no matter what you did your friend would be out of contact for now. I echo another poster who says to send a simple message saying you’d love to catch up, and maybe suggest an adult-only few hours, so she knows she doesn’t have the worry of how she’ll react having the meet your baby after not having seen you for a while, though obviously I wouldn’t mention that as the reason!

Hi OP, how old is your friend's child now ? Could she maybe be having a hard time going through a difficult time with them at the moment which would could contribute to a lack of communication from her

@Giraffesandbottoms

What did she say specifically when you told her you were pregnant? That would change my opinion on things. I have so much sympathy for infertility but nastiness to a friend isn’t acceptable

This.

While multiple losses is terribly upsetting (I know) being nasty to a friend who announces a pregnancy doesn't receive a get out of jail card because of it.

The majority of people manage not to throw shade on the happy news of others.

Her not wanting to be around a pregnancy is her business but being unkind isn't something you need to accept either.

I would be wary OP.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming yeah I don't think I've remotely rubbed her nose in it or that I'm expecting her to celebrate me or anything for that matter. I just want to go out for dinner and a glass of wine with her tbh.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming OP is not rubbing her nose in it at all
Many people around the friend will have babies OP had not even contacted so how is that rubbing nose in it

@Chiwi I would just send a message saying sorry been a while are you free for a grown up catch up and glass wine anytime soon
See what response you get from that

@LittleSundayTeatime her kid is about to turn 4. I don't have a 4 year old yet, is that a hard bit? (As if any bits aren't hard 😅)

@GooglyEyeballs

It sounds like you only want to contact her specifically to talk about your newborn. Maybe you should contact her just to see how she is?

Where on earth do you get that from?

I think I've overthought it and I'll just message her casually and see how we go. Thanks for all the different perspectives and the few classic MN responses that completely miss the point too!

I’ve experienced multiple losses since the birth of my daughter and have felt differently with each pregnancy or birth announcement. Whether it’s been through a sensitive text (preferable), social media (ugh) or group chat (awful), my response has depended on where I am in my fertility journey.

At the moment I feel quite hopeful having responded well to recent treatment, so I’d be sad for a time but happy for a friend. If I’d recently lost a baby or was wading through a hard patch, I might find it hard to digest but would always send my good wishes. So there’s no blanket way to manage this or respond to it.

Either way, I would hope that a friend might be sensitive, and I definitely wouldn’t want them to take away the chance of my congratulating them. I don’t know how go explain this but I don’t think it’s for someone else to decide how I might take the news best? There’s never a good time for an announcement. And I’m a big girl, have been through a lot, and will handle it in my own way. Hope that makes sense?

I once discovered a friend (who had been distant for many months) had a baby because her husband posted a photo of her on Facebook and, quite honestly, it ripped my heart out. I felt like a leper because I was shielded from it. It was like this big secret that had only been hidden from me because, well, poor me. Pity is the worst.

So I say this with compassion because you can’t turn back time, but announcing on social media before reaching out to her was tactless, and she would have likely felt a blow from that. Yes, a text would have been hard for you to send and hard for her to receive, but she deserved the chance to form her own response.

Anyway, bit of a ramble, and I’m still emotional from IVF! But if I were you, I’d reach out and ask if she fancies a quiet cuppa just the two of you. She doesn’t need to be reminded you’ve had a baby and you don’t need to mention baby. Just focus on being there for her if you value her friendship. And if she chooses to not reply, step back, respect her wishes. She might come round in time.

Much love! I know it’s hard.

I think you probably haven't been as sensitive as you think, but your heart is in the right place. Sometimes you can't win in this kind of situation too. I would have messaged directly after baby was born, you could have asked your husband to do it. It is a bit shitty to find out over social media that a close friend has had a baby. But I understand you were trying to be sensitive and I think that's the only 'mistake' you've made. I'd put it all behind you and think if you want to still be friends with this woman. If you do, just message about a catch up, other posters have given good examples of neutral messages you can send. I wouldn't dwell on the response when you told her you were pregnant, she's recognised it was wrong of her and apologised for that.

@MyEasterEggs thanks for your point of view, all taken on board! Best of luck with your journey

Sounds like she’s probably going through a tough time. I think it’d be worth reaching out to her, just a message asking how she is and tell her something about your baby.

OP, no, personally I found 4 year olds a lot easier than 2 year olds. It does get better, well, less hard .

Just thought there may be other stuff going on with your friend, so yeah, go with the messaging her casually. Hope it goes well.

I think your friend has been much more unreasonable than you. She has a dc so she's not infertile; she's suffering secondary infertility. Lots of people can't even have one dc.

She was shitty when you told her about your pg, got in touch when she wanted your help about the work thing, then has ignored you since...

I'd leave it. See if she gets in touch. You have done nothing wrong, and I think some of the responses here are harsh.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP. She’s been a shitty friend. I honestly wouldn't message. It’s up to her to get in touch now. I could see her ignoring you if you were to reach out