Friend hasn't been in contact since my baby was born

[Chiwi]

More of a wwyd.
I have a friend who I've known for aroun 6/7 years, pre children for both of us. We met at work and both no longer work at the same place and remained friends. She had a child about 18 months before me and we moved from boozy nights out to zoo days, soft play and quiet dinners post bedtime when we can fit them in. She's a lovely person and I've valued her freindship but we've never been ontop of each other.
Since her first child she has sadly suffered several losses and difficulties conceiving. This has devastated her, understandably, one of these losses especially traumatic as it was during lockdown and she was alone. I have recently had my second child. I told her I was pregnant very sensitively and she replied quite cruelly but I let it go, I know it was hard for her. We didn't speak for a while, not because I was angry just because I was suffering with an awful pregnancy and I know she wouldn't want to hear that, she would love to have an awful pregnancy I'm sure. I reached out towards the end of my pregnancy and we met for dinner, I supported her through a difficult work thing and provided some formal assistance in a work meeting where she was being treated unfairly.
A few weeks later I gave birth to my son. I didn't directly message her, I didn't many people actually. My partner, who she is friends with, announced his arrival on social media so she knows he's here. But I've heard nothing from her, he's now 4 months old.

Should I have let her know directly he was born? It felt cruel to message her, especially when she would have seen anyway. If she hadn't seen on social media or heard from mutual friends she knows I wouldn't still be pregnant at this point. Should I reach out to her? Or is she giving me clear signals that for whatever reason she feels our friendship has ended?
Just to say I experienced a loss before my first pregnancy, she knows this. So I do understand to an extent, but I dealt with it very differently to her and have gone on to have 2 healthy babies so it's very much not the same.

Im another one struggling to understand why you needed to message directly about baby ? Your dh announced on facebook and you just had a baby, did you message all your other friends
Plus friend knows baby is due so could also message it works both ways

I don’t think you’ve been very understanding at all. Have you asked about the outcome of her work situation? How are her fertility struggles?
It’s like purgatory when you are in the midst of fertility anguish.
You should definitely have contacted her.

I think it's a bit odd that you didn't message her about the baby being born so she found out on social media. I can see why you didn't want to be in her face about it, and you sound like you've really tried to be sensitive, but I think that might have been a bit of a misjudgment. She might be thinking "well X can't even be bothered to tell me herself about the baby, so why would I contact her". But that is done now, and I think all you can do is message and say something like "Hiya, sorry I haven't been in contact recently, would love to go for a coffee sometime xx"

@worriedatthistime I think that was my thought process. But I wondered because of how much she has struggled I should have told her directly?
I care about her, so I wondered if I'd been out of line. So people think I was, so perhaps she does too.

Posted too soo. Definitely sounds like you’re cutting yourself plenty of slack but really offering any slack to your friend.
And to the other posters, no I don’t think a social media post announcement is enough!!
You text the people close to you , unless you’ve got a whole bus full of friends! I have 5/6 close friends. If they didn’t text me I’d be hurt.

I think it can be quite painful to hear things on social media, rather than by a direct message.

You can't always make everything all right and sometimes friendships run their course or eb and flow over time. It is sad when things change between friends but it is just the way things are sometimes. I would reach out to her to say you'd love to catch up and then it is up to her. Just stay open to her coming back at some point in the future if you can. It won't necessarily help her to try and make it ok and you need to think about if the drive to coming from you feeling bad and wanting to feel better yourself.

@sauvignonblancplz yeah I am cutting myself some slack, won't apologise for that. Can you point to where I haven't offered her the same? I've said I'm not angry about her response to me telling her I'm pregnant, I'm not annoyed she hasn't contacted me. I just want to know if it seems like I should contact her now, if I've maybe upset her, if I should give her more time?

I have a fair few friends that I would have texted directly to inform them of my boys arrival if I'd have had the headspace, but it was a bit fraught and exhausting so I think I told my 2 best mates and everyone (bar family) found out from my husband's post and then text me from there.

As someone dealing with infertility, please leave her alone. The pain is indescribable and you will trigger it. Let her come back to you when she's hopefully happily pregnant again.

I would say nothing and let her get in touch with you. Its a shame she hasn't been able to have another baby but it's not really your fault is it

The last thing she needs is you demanding that she be happy for her when she's probably distraught.

@keha yeah I do take that on board. I wish I'd have texted her at the time.

Actually op I don't think she is a good friend at ALL. She has you running after her, and she is happy to have made no effort which means she is also happy to let the friendship go. You have been doing all the reaching out here. I say this as someone who had a late term loss with a very close friend having her baby the same year. Her dh also posted when the baby was born. I sent a message to congratulate them even though it was hard for me. Because she was a friend who I valued. It's been 4 months since you have had your baby, your friend isn't a friend. I would honestly let this friendship fizzle out. You can go through a loss, have your space to deal with it, AND still be a friend.

Your friend has behaved appallingly. I'm sure you were supportive when she had a baby and she has just abandoned you and treated you so coldly. It would be the end of the friendship for me.

It took me 6 years of trying to get pregnant before I had my baby, so I understand how painful infertility is. When my friends had babies during that six year period I congratulated them, got excited with them and visited after their babies were born. I was sad for myself but happy for them.

People in my life with fertility problems have also managed not to be dicks to me. If your friend does have another baby, I bet she'll come back as if nothing happened and expect your support and friendship

It sounds like she has a child and has suffered losses since? So she's not "suffering infertility ". I have a child and have also had losses but I've never had a problem with Friends having children. If she hasn't bothered contacting you I would leave it.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming wtf? I don't think I've demanded she be happy for me at all.

Well, I don’t know on this one. I think your friend has been more unreasonable than you, but I think you probably should have let her know once your son was born from a friendship point of view of “doing the right thing”. However, I can understand your hesitancy- she has made it very clear she wanted to keep her distance and not hear anything about your pregnancy, so she’d possibly not have reacted well. In your position I would not have been keen as I think a cruel or unkind response (as you got when you told her you were pregnant) would have been upsetting and something that I might well have felt I could do without when I had just given birth.

I guess I take a slightly different view from some on here re behaviour due to infertility. I do understand that infertility/recurrent losses are a very painful thing. But, I don’t think it gives anyone carte Blanche to behave in any way you wish without consequence and in particular to be cruel and/or unkind to their friends and family. Taking time/putting some distance or keeping a low profile and not wanting too much/any involvement- yes, I understand that- but being mean, unkind or cruel is simply not on. I don’t buy the line that infertility is so painful you can’t be expected to behave decently and when you don’t everyone else has to tolerate it.

In this case, I find it a bit harder to be completely understanding because I think your friend has been quite manipulative, as well as unkind. Your friend was able to tolerate being in your presence when you were pregnant when she needed your help with something, after all. Once she had got what she needed, you were ignored again. If she were truly unable to cope with your pregnancy she would not have used you to help her, would she? She would have struggled on or found someone else to help. She may be hurting, but she’s also being a very poor friend. So, yes, it probably would have been better to let her know about your son’s arrival directly but I understand why you didn’t and of the two sets of transgressions I think yours is the lesser.

You have been very sensitive towards her throughout your pregnancy, but you can't be made to feel guilty or hide that as if it's a sore topic. It's your life. I think she's behaved very badly as a so called friend. And the fact that she hasn't bothered up till now, she has already moved on op.

I'd say better later than never: message her to say the baby arrived but don't go into too much detail and don't 'explain' why you didn't message before (as that's not easy to convey on text).

I'd say something along the lines of 'thinking of you & how have you been ? Did things improve at work ? Would be lovely to see you if you're up for it ?'

That way you've reached out and she can decide if she wants to respond. Sadly if she doesn't reply or doesn't want to meet then I'd leave it.

Sounds like you avoided sharing the birth news with her because you didn't want to upset her which is considerate of you. But a close family member of mine lost a few pregnancies too (while I was pregnant) and at the time I just didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know if she wanted to talk about it or not so I just never mentioned anything related to babies/pregnancy etc but that meant I wasn't really there for her and I feel, looking back, that I handle it all wrong. She mentioned later on feeling like it was a taboo in the family which added to her pain. I regret so much not being there for her. She felt like everyone tiptoed around her. Perhaps that it was your friend could have been feeling when your son arrived.

Best of luck.

[quote Chiwi]@Giraffesandbottoms I told her I was pregnant and that I wanted to tell her in text so she could have whatever private reaction she wanted. I knew it was hard for her and that I still wanted to be there for her where I could and where she wanted me to be.
She replied "oh right, was it an accident then?"[/quote]
Is this what you referred to as you telling her you were pregnant "very sensitively" and her repling "quite cruelly"?

Think your opinion of your communication might be a bit off (tipped too much into how nice and thoughtful it is).

Best reevaluate how you've communicated with her since the birth and then get in contact and start afresh.

I'd just message a normal message.

Hey - happy Easter! How are you?! Do you want to come round for a coffee if you have any time this weekend? It's been such a long time and would love to catch up!xx

And leave it at that. You've both sort of done things wrong while licking your own wounds. No point rinsing it all out, it'll go round in circles. If you want the friendship just move on from it rather than going back over it.

@Usedtobeme20 yeah great advice I think.

Neither of us are perfect people and have acted as such!

I lost a friend because of her difficulty around me conceiving easily but perhaps the friendship wouldn’t have lasted anyway. I don’t think it would hurt to get in touch to give the friendship a chance. Just don’t pressure her.

@Peoniesandcream secondary infertility is a very real issue, treated very similarity to primary infertility. I would say the feelings of anguish are very similar .

@AnImaginaryCat well I didn't write my word for word text there. That was the gist of it. I'm not pretending I'm an expert in announcing pregnancy to a friend who is struggling with losses, but I think my text was kind and her response was unfair.