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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going to somebodies house when you know you probably have covid and saying nothing is an act of malice

118 replies

JayneDough · 15/04/2022 15:14

This was before the 'learn to live with covid' and it was very much still a big deal and something people were very worried about. I've struggled to get past it and it has affected our relationship.

A family member knew she likely had covid because she'd been around multiple positive cases and was supposed to be isolating. She kept that to herself and came here without testing and didnt say anything. I had a brand new baby at the time, weeks old, and she ommited to tell me she'd been exposed until we tested positive after getting it from her.

Personally I consider what she did malicious, do you think I'm unreasonable?

OP posts:

MissChanandlerBong80 · 16/04/2022 07:51

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I wouldn’t go and visit a newborn if I had any contagious infection, even a cold. I’d really struggle to move past that OP.

tiggergoesbounce · 16/04/2022 07:51

She should never have taken your choice away, it was for you to weigh up the risk to your household, not for them to take that choice away from you and decide on your behalf.

Some people are just selfish, they cant see beyond their own opinions and needs, its not about the law or guidlines at the time, its about respect and taking a virus (of any sort) into someone elses home, you just dont do it.

I think you need to just get what you need to say off your chest to her, it may make you feel like better, it won't change anything but it will stop the "what i should have said" conversation going around your head

Flittingaboutagain · 16/04/2022 07:52

I had a prem baby with health issues so personally I'd never speak to her again.

Booboobagins · 16/04/2022 07:56

What a selfish thing to do. One of you could have died, your baby could have died.

I know there's a gen conscious building in UK tgat it's just a cold, it isn't. After you've had covid you risk of heart attack increases by 2.5 times - yes I kniw its shocking.

Long covid can be a dormant thing, impact on long term health is only just being seen in those who showed no symptons after covid!

Globally people are developing auto immune problems due to covid and a small number poss due to vaccines (10 cases in UK so far, my DS may be case 11).

Covid is a nasty virus and youre FM needs telling in no uncertain terms. In fact before she comes round again, ask ger if she is unwell and tell her she needs to show proof of negative LFT. What a selfish bitch!

And yes I agree it's malicious act.

saraclara · 16/04/2022 07:59

Did you post about this at the time? I seem to remember a thread. Your mil did a selfish thing or of wanting to see the baby. She didn't maliciously set out to give you covid. She was just one of the many stupid people who thought it wouldn't really happen and they'd get away with it.

But however unreasonable it was of her, what shrieks out to me about this, is that you're clearly obsessing about it and it's affecting you negatively.
What's done is done. The fact that she came, the fact that you all got covid, is over and done with. But like many who obsess about past wrongs, you are now on a downward spiral that's hurting you more than anyone else. And it's down to you to make your way out of it.

Your mil and your DH are not going to suddenly throw themselves to the ground in penitence. And even if they did, I doubt that it would be the cleansing thing that you think.

This has all got tied up with some post natal depression or anxiety that you need some help with. You need to focus on yourself and how to get your mental health and your relationship back on track.

JustLyra · 16/04/2022 08:01

I know there's a gen conscious building in UK tgat it's just a cold, it isn't.

Even visiting a newborn with a snotty cold is a disgusting thing to do unless you’re specifically told you’re welcome by the Mum.

We’re far too lax generally with other peoples health when it comes to minor things.

Wheniruletheworld · 16/04/2022 08:06

@JayneDough

Could you forgive this?

No, it was a selfish and potentially harmful thing she did. Sadly, most people seem to think covid is all over because it isn't in the news everyday, but it is still rife, continues to mutate, and is still a dangerous virus. But too many people think it's their god-given right to do what they want, go where they want and just satisfy their 'me, me, me' cravings, even at the risk of making others ill I would be livid.

TheGlitterati · 16/04/2022 08:18

I had a similar situation OP and tbh I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. I am still so angry even though we are all recovered now.

Even though we are learning to live with covid, I still think if you’re doing 1:1 meet ups or going to someone’s house, you should let them know if you have symptoms and it’s their choice to see you or not.

lljkk · 16/04/2022 08:20

Holding a grudge harms OP more than it harms her DP's relative.

Presumably it's a MIL or SIL & a forever-rift is going to harm OP & DP's relationship more than it will help/protect OP.

It's just not sensible to resent forever.

fwiw, malicious to me = wanted OP to be harmed. OP hasn't shown that is the case, that MIL/SIL actively wanted OP to be harmed.

"Reckless" is different thing.

user1471447863 · 16/04/2022 08:37

@Booboobagins exactly, it is not 'just a cold' no matter how much people want to minimise it.

saraclara · 16/04/2022 08:55

Holding a grudge harms OP more than it harms her DP's relative

Yes. My post comes from experience sadly. I'm generally rather too reasonable and forgiving, but someone hurt me badly a few years ago, and though I know that in the scene of things it wasn't a huge deal, I found out almost impossible to let go of.

The person that I wanted to recognise this has carried on living her best life, while the resentment ate away at me, and spoiled mine. And yes, it was the resentment that damaged me a thousand times more than her original action.

It still hasn't completely gone, and it's taken a lot of work. But it's true that the best revenge is to live well, and if you allow your anger to make your own life miserable, then that person has won.

I hope you can find some help in dealing with this, OP, because it's clearly eating away at you long after the fact.

aSofaNearYou · 16/04/2022 10:32

@lljkk

Holding a grudge harms OP more than it harms her DP's relative.

Presumably it's a MIL or SIL & a forever-rift is going to harm OP & DP's relationship more than it will help/protect OP.

It's just not sensible to resent forever.

fwiw, malicious to me = wanted OP to be harmed. OP hasn't shown that is the case, that MIL/SIL actively wanted OP to be harmed.

"Reckless" is different thing.

Personally I think that's just the kind of thing that's said to railroad people into forgiving things so they aren't being inconvenient to others.

It wouldn't be good for OP to let this consume her and play a big part in her thoughts but she doesn't have to forgive them either.

lljkk · 16/04/2022 14:53

I'm not sure what OP means by "forgive".

If OP never "forgives" -- what does that mean?

RedHelenB · 16/04/2022 15:02

@JayneDough

Could you forgive this?

Yes, as long as she didn't know she was positive when she came round.

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/04/2022 15:07

Selfish cow. That would be it for me. No contact.

Appolonia · 16/04/2022 15:15

I'm annoyed for you.
The selfishness would be a deal-breaker for me. Never allowed in the house again.

Hangthetowels · 16/04/2022 15:32

I would expect anyone with ANY germs to stay away from me and a newborn baby. My friend came round with a normal cold and I was pissed off - literally just stay away until you are well and don't give my teeny baby germs 😡

liveforsummer · 16/04/2022 15:45

Unless you're entire family didn't leave the house on that time and no one else came to visit you have no way of knowing you caught covid from this person

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