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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to give opinion or should I shut my mouth like DH says?

92 replies

Pinksparkledust · 15/04/2022 08:24

My husband has told me he doesnt want my opinion on certain matters. He just wants me to listen and say - I love you everything will be fine.
This is in relation to his ex partner and his children and the selling of their family home .

He spends hours talking about issues with his ex and his children - centred around selling the old family home. I understand he is worried and needs to talk about this .

He is worried ex will move away to another nearby town / worried kids bedrooms won’t be as big / worried about their new SD who will be living with his kids . Also DH is involved in the sale as he is a co-owner so I understand the house selling is stressful .

BUT , if I ever give my opinion ( and he doesn’t agree with it ) we end up arguing.

We speak about this issue for hours daily and have for months - it’s stressful For me too.

So my options

  1. I pay no attention when he talks and nod ( try to stop worrying so much myself and disengage )

2)I ask him to not talk about it ( if he doesn’t want my opinion, why would I listen ?? )

3)I continue to give my opinion and my sometimes we will argue . I am his wife and I have a brain in my head ( and if we can’t communicate like two adults maybe we have a problem ?)

I only give my opinion as I love my husband and I care for him and I am trying to help him . I don’t know everything but as a secondary school teacher who sees the effects of broken families a lot , I try and offer advice to my DH.

But maybe I should just nod along??

AIBU to have an opinion or should I trust he knows his family and stay quiet ?

(Have been with DH 4 years - their family home was kept for children and ex to live in but now ex is married and wants to move in
To a new house with her new husband )

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 15/04/2022 08:26

Are two threads necessary?

Hes a prick. Tell him not to speak to you about these issues.

CrackersDontMatter · 15/04/2022 08:34

Haven't seen the other thread but after a lot of unnecessary bickering we now ask each other "are you looking for support or solutions?". Sometimes you just want someone to sympathise, you don't need them to wax lyrical about what to do or what they would do. You just want emotional support or reassurance.

My DH would always leap straight to how to solve a problem or what I should do when often I didn't need an answer just someone to agree that it was a bit shot but I'd get through it.

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/04/2022 08:36

2)I ask him to not talk about it ( if he doesn’t want my opinion, why would I listen ?? )

Presumably because you love him?

As I said on your other thread, he has clearly communicated his needs here, it's up to you whether you hear him or not.

CrackersDontMatter · 15/04/2022 08:38

I can see though that this issue is all consuming at the moment and it's probably very hard not to offer an opinion. Maybe try a bit of "there there" for a few days and see if it makes a difference. It might not. He might complain about that too in which case you've got a whole other problem. Is he genuinely looking for just emotional support or is he going to get annoyed with you either way? In which case I'd tell him you're not an emotional punch bag and to piss off.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 15/04/2022 08:38

3 keep giving your opinion and you will have to argue if you must
all other options are not doable or will cause deep resentment

SpiderVersed · 15/04/2022 08:39

He doesn’t want your opinion or an argument, he’s letting off steam. Haven’t you ever needed to do that?

Just acknowledge that yes, it sounds frustrating/difficult/upsetting/whatever and keep your counsel to yourself.

GlitterSquid · 15/04/2022 08:40

When he comes to you with a problem say to him 'Do you want solutions or sympathy?' and act accordingly.

Ace56 · 15/04/2022 08:42

You talk about this for hours every day?

Nah, I’d tell him that quite frankly you’re bored of going over the same old thing, especially if you’re not allowed to have an opinion on it.

Also seems like he’s obsessing over it a bit - maybe he needs to talk to someone professional about this? At the end of the day he can’t control where the ex moves to, or the size of the bedrooms. He needs to let it go.

Original poster
Pinksparkledust · 15/04/2022 08:43

@Notimeforaname
I am sorry for 2 threads . I had made so many typos on first I didn’t know if it made sense . I do apologise .

OP posts:
Idonea · 15/04/2022 08:53

Why do people date utterly shit men?

Like, why are you even asking? If my DH said he wanted a nodding dog, he'd be packing his bags. Clearly his ex wife was the smart one ditching this sorry excuse of a partner.

AchillesPoirot · 15/04/2022 08:57

Is he just venting?

You’re entitled to say I’m not the right person for you to vent to. If you feel you’ve heard enough

Notimeforaname · 15/04/2022 09:00

Sit him down and tell him what you've told us op.

You have value. If he just sees you as someone to nod along to him, he doesn't respect you.

ExtraOnion · 15/04/2022 09:00

I’ll say to my husband “I don’t want you to try to solve this, I just want you to listen” - stops any unwanted advice giving.
I’ll sat there same back when he’s telling me another things “do you want any advice, or do you just want to get it off your chest”

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2022 09:00

Your husband sounds like an insufferable bore.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2022 09:03

It's unreasonable to expect someone to nod along and say nothing to a topic you are talking about this much, especially a new partner about your former marriage imo.

Fine to just want someone to listen now and then but he's doing it way too much and being very selfish.

switswooo · 15/04/2022 09:08

If she doesn’t want you to offer an opinion than ask him not to talk about it with you.

And then don’t talk to him about your important issues.

See how he likes it.

Googlecanthelpme · 15/04/2022 09:09

Well you don’t have to disengage and just pretend nod but what you can do is stop him and say

“Do you just want to vent / moan or do you need my opinion / some help to solve this”

Sometimes we do just need to vent and we don’t want solutions - this is a good thing to remember for all relationships not just our partners.

In terms of how your partner is being he sounds like a bit of a dick but giving him the benefit of the doubt I suppose it could just be stress and what he wants rather than opinion or solutions is just reassurance and an ear.

If all he does want is a sounding board and no advice then feel free to fake listen and just tune him out

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2022 09:11

Sometimes we do just need to vent and we don’t want solutions - this is a good thing to remember for all relationships not just our partners.

He can't do this for hours daily, though, that's way too much of someone's time to take up with venting!

Comtesse · 15/04/2022 09:13

Is he always this annoying? Because hours and hours on the same subject when you are only “allowed” to agree with him sounds very tedious all round.

C25kBecky · 15/04/2022 09:14

I'd tell the rude cunt to keep it to himself and not talk at me about it anymore.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 15/04/2022 09:18

Really unhealthy to spend hours talking about ex issues. Give him 10 minutes of your time to vent and then when the 10 minutes is up, he stops and listens to you vent about a topic of your choice for 10 minutes. If he needs more time than this then he needs to pay for therapy and I'd be having a think why he's having this total over reaction to something he knew was a possibility as soon as his first marriage ended.

Velvetbee · 15/04/2022 09:18

That would drive me nuts. I can do half an hour of listening to complaining but not hours a day. After a while I’d be saying, ‘Yes, it’s shit but let’s not make the whole day miserable.’

pictish · 15/04/2022 09:22

Nah it’s not your wifely duty to listen to hours of the same subject daily, for months. Even worse that you’re not allowed to participate in it…you’re just supposed to provide the audience.
NOPE.

He’s fixated and being selfish as fuck. Put a stop to it.

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2022 09:23

I think it’s important to respect his clearly stated needs (that you don’t offer solutions and just offer support) but important to state your own boundaries too - that you’re happy to let him vent for a short period (10 minutes) but not listen to hours of complaint if you can’t offer an opinion.

Does anything he’s agreeing to or deciding affect you? If not, try to disengage from the idea your views are important!

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2022 09:25

He clearly doesn’t respect you
His ex had the right idea tbh