AIBU to give opinion or should I shut my mouth like DH says?

[Pinksparkledust]

My husband has told me he doesnt want my opinion on certain matters. He just wants me to listen and say - I love you everything will be fine.
This is in relation to his ex partner and his children and the selling of their family home .

He spends hours talking about issues with his ex and his children - centred around selling the old family home. I understand he is worried and needs to talk about this .

He is worried ex will move away to another nearby town / worried kids bedrooms won’t be as big / worried about their new SD who will be living with his kids . Also DH is involved in the sale as he is a co-owner so I understand the house selling is stressful .

BUT , if I ever give my opinion ( and he doesn’t agree with it ) we end up arguing.

We speak about this issue for hours daily and have for months - it’s stressful For me too.

So my options

1. I pay no attention when he talks and nod ( try to stop worrying so much myself and disengage )

2)I ask him to not talk about it ( if he doesn’t want my opinion, why would I listen ?? )

3)I continue to give my opinion and my sometimes we will argue . I am his wife and I have a brain in my head ( and if we can’t communicate like two adults maybe we have a problem ?)

I only give my opinion as I love my husband and I care for him and I am trying to help him . I don’t know everything but as a secondary school teacher who sees the effects of broken families a lot , I try and offer advice to my DH.

But maybe I should just nod along??

AIBU to have an opinion or should I trust he knows his family and stay quiet ?

(Have been with DH 4 years - their family home was kept for children and ex to live in but now ex is married and wants to move in
To a new house with her new husband )

“Try to disengage from the idea that your views are important”

Yes OP just stay quiet while he repeatedly holds court. Your views aren’t important, let the man speak.
Your time isn’t important. Neither is your mental well-being. Neither is reciprocal conversation. Let the man vent. Get him a beer.

So he wants a Stepford Wife essentially?

And you need to ask?

How about one or a mixture if these:

Why do you talk to me if you dont want any imput?

As I am gagged on this topic, keep it to yourself

Get a life

Not interested

Did he actually tell you to shut your mouth or are those your words?

He is entitled to vent and not want advice. Equally you are entitled not to have to listen to endless venting without responding to it.

In fact it would be beneficial for you both for him to limit the amount of time he talks about it. You'll be more likely to just listen and he'll be less likely to be consumed by it.

Get him a sex doll and tell him that this is the wife he wants. He can tell her anything he wants and she won't bother him with her opinion.

Oh &, if you speak to me that way, you will shortly have another ex wife

Hours of ‘air time’ is excessive and unfair on you.

If he wants that sort of ‘support’ he should pay for counselling!

And a paid counsellor wouldn’t just passively listen either!

@Fraaahnces

Get him a sex doll and tell him that this is the wife he wants. He can tell her anything he wants and she won't bother him with her opinion.

And her mouth is conveniently wide open for ...

Give no opinion get no blame when it goes tits up...
Imo.

@pictish

“Try to disengage from the idea that your views are important”

Yes OP just stay quiet while he repeatedly holds court. Your views aren’t important, let the man speak.
Your time isn’t important. Neither is your mental well-being. Neither is reciprocal conversation. Let the man vent. Get him a beer.

I didn’t say that though, pictish! I said she should not listen for more than 10 minutes at a time.

I was asking the question about the impact of this situation/his decisions on her life because it’s relevant. Sometimes we really don’t need to give our opinions if the situation has nothing practically to do with us. Conversely, if he’s making decisions that will affect their long-term marriage (e.g. to do with stepchildren, maybe) then yes, she should speak up and expect to be listened to.

It all sounds very draining and sometimes unwittingly we become enablers.
I understand the need to sometimes just talk it out but every day for hours sounds unmanageable and life sucking.
I don't suppose there's any chance the house will be sold soon ?

he sounds annoying

I'd have no tolerance for this. I'd tell him not to talk to me at all about it if he didn't want to hear my opinion. The pp is right in that he is showing no respect for your time. Banging on about this for hours is absolutely taking the piss.

Its cheeky. If he doesn't want your opinion then he can shut up. He should go and see a counsellor.

Surely it's obvious that when anyone talks about their ex and related issues they're looking for support and someone to be on their side, not someone to argue back. That goes for a friend, never mind a partner. It's a stressful and emotionally draining subject, why would you pick an argument over it?

If this is a pattern, if he expects you to just nod and smile and agree on other subjects as well, that's awful behaviour from him and I could not be in a relationship with a man like that. If he just wants to vent about this subject, I think I'd understand it's not really my place to turn it into a fight.

However while everyone needs to vent, you can certainly put limits on the amount of time you spend geting vented to. Hours is too much. Way too much. Set a limit, spend that limit being supportive and understanding, then you get to change the subject.

Hours every day?

Seriously?

Really that’s enough of a boundary violation without the marital gagging order.

Sorry…I have personal experience of this type of obsessive droning on…during which if I offered an opinion I was corrected and denigrated. I cannot express how tedious and disrespectful this behaviour is. How utterly self-absorbed they are. How absolutely draining it is to sit through.
There is no way he will agree to a 10 minute slot. Or he will…but he won’t make any attempt to stick to it. Me me me.

If he just wants to vent let him vent. The whole issue has nothing to do with you. He's a big boy. He can probably sort it out himself without any input from you. After about 10 minutes of listening to him vent just walk away get on with your day.

@gannett I don't understand why you are affording such special status to moaning about your ex to your current partner, to the point you feel extra support on that subject is obvious?

I would expect my partner to think carefully before moaning to me about his ex at all. It's not really appropriate. I'm certainly not dancing around that subject more as his partner, he shouldn't be bringing it up to me all the time. That's what friends and family are for.

@pictish. I sympathise- I got told to ‘mind my own business ‘ a few days ago when I offered a throwaway opinion/comment after such an episode of droning on. I don’t think I’ve ever ever said anything of the sort to my H. I’ve not forgotten it- I think he thinks such things are fine- I don’t

I would suggest a counsellor would be better for him to come to terms with the change and the fact that he had no control over much of his kids lives.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@gannett I don't understand why you are affording such special status to moaning about your ex to your current partner, to the point you feel extra support on that subject is obvious?

I would expect my partner to think carefully before moaning to me about his ex at all. It's not really appropriate. I'm certainly not dancing around that subject more as his partner, he shouldn't be bringing it up to me all the time. That's what friends and family are for. [/quote]
If you don't like someone enough to be sympathetic to them about whatever shit they're going through, you probably don't like them enough to be in a relationship with them.

No need to apologise pict. I definitely agree no one should put up with obsessive moaners.

My husband is a good man and He is a good dad ! I know he is very worried about the house move . He is scared for his children .

I love him .

I have decided I am not engaging by offering opinions but will not listen to this dialogue for hours .

I will listen for short and limited periods but say nothing . If he presses me I will say -
You spoke about this yesterday . It must be difficult . I am now going to do x.

Maybe I will have to use - I know you don’t want my opinion on this subject . I appreciate you are struggling and end the conversation

We speak only about all other topics it’s just anything to do with his children / ex / house sale seems to end up with arguments.

I need to learn to set my own boundaries .

• I can’t talk about this again .
• I can’t discuss this right now .

I’m not able to listen on for the same stuff for hours and shouldn’t be expected to.

On a side note my dh and his ex were never married ! Maybe she knew something I didn’t ! Hahaha joking !