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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to give opinion or should I shut my mouth like DH says?

92 replies

Pinksparkledust · 15/04/2022 08:24

My husband has told me he doesnt want my opinion on certain matters. He just wants me to listen and say - I love you everything will be fine.
This is in relation to his ex partner and his children and the selling of their family home .

He spends hours talking about issues with his ex and his children - centred around selling the old family home. I understand he is worried and needs to talk about this .

He is worried ex will move away to another nearby town / worried kids bedrooms won’t be as big / worried about their new SD who will be living with his kids . Also DH is involved in the sale as he is a co-owner so I understand the house selling is stressful .

BUT , if I ever give my opinion ( and he doesn’t agree with it ) we end up arguing.

We speak about this issue for hours daily and have for months - it’s stressful For me too.

So my options

I pay no attention when he talks and nod ( try to stop worrying so much myself and disengage )

2)I ask him to not talk about it ( if he doesn’t want my opinion, why would I listen ?? )

3)I continue to give my opinion and my sometimes we will argue . I am his wife and I have a brain in my head ( and if we can’t communicate like two adults maybe we have a problem ?)

I only give my opinion as I love my husband and I care for him and I am trying to help him . I don’t know everything but as a secondary school teacher who sees the effects of broken families a lot , I try and offer advice to my DH.

But maybe I should just nod along??

AIBU to have an opinion or should I trust he knows his family and stay quiet ?

(Have been with DH 4 years - their family home was kept for children and ex to live in but now ex is married and wants to move in
To a new house with her new husband )

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 15/04/2022 11:28

What's the timeline for this? Is the family house up for sale?

It seems he is anxious because the Ex's decisions could impact his children or his relationship with them.

I think you need to be listening ear as until the Ex has firmed up plans he is in a state of limbo. He is worrying about his children and perhaps only time will resolve this.

Loopytiles · 15/04/2022 11:31

mummy do you talk about your concerns for literally hours, frequently? Suggesting major things such as house extensions or moving house?

If not then the situations aren’t remotely comparable.

Mummy1608 · 15/04/2022 11:33

@Loopytiles

mummy do you talk about your concerns for literally hours, frequently? Suggesting major things such as house extensions or moving house?

If not then the situations aren’t remotely comparable.

Well maybe not literally hours. If that's not an exaggeration, that is very long. But yes, sometimes we will sit down for lunch and I've talked about just one issue for the entire lunch. And then I'll bring it up again over dinner.

I do really value "good listening" in a partner.

Mummy1608 · 15/04/2022 11:35

Once, when dh was just my boyfriend, I was upset about a medical appointment. BF was driving me back from the appointment and I was crying about it. When we got home, I still wanted to talk about it, so he kept driving round and around for over am hour until I'd calmed down. He didn't give me any opinions, especially not opinions that seemed to criticise me. I'll never forget it and I'm still grateful to this day.

ImAvingOops · 15/04/2022 11:54

In your shoes I'd also want to know what is happening to all the money from the house sale. Is your dh getting his rightful share back? Maybe that money could be put aside and used to fund an extension if the dc do end up staying with you more.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2022 11:57

Doing this occasionally is so different from doing it for hours every day though. Good listening might be a desirable quality in a partner but so is understanding when you're monologuing too much and not expecting to do it daily.

And let's not forget, as many seem to be, that he's actually often talking about things that affect OP enormously such as moving house. I'd find it very stressful and exhausting if my partner kept suggesting seriously that we needed to uproot our life and move, I would certainly expect that to be a two way conversation.

SpilltheTea · 15/04/2022 12:05

He needs a therapist for every day of the week. It's fine to want to be listened to, but not for hours on end every single day. He also can't expect to bring up things that involve you, such as selling the house and command you not to comment. The world doesn't revolve around him and his problems.

MrFsAunt · 15/04/2022 12:07

@aSofaNearYou

Exactly aSofa, so much of this affects OP. Then to expect her to just sit there and not be able to express herself ... I mean, wtf?

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/04/2022 12:30

dworky

Strugglingtodomybest

2)I ask him to not talk about it ( if he doesn’t want my opinion, why would I listen ?? )

Presumably because you love him?

As I said on your other thread, he has clearly communicated his needs here, it's up to you whether you hear him or not.

Why not a gag? Then there's no danger of her saying anything at all he doesn't like.

Sorry, but I don't understand your comment to me here Dworky. As far as I understand, it's not that he's annoyed with her saying anything that he doesn't like, it's more that he just wants to vent uninterrupted.

If she cares about him, she will support him in that (although only up to a point, I did say on her other thread that she needs to establish her own boundaries around this). Obviously, if she doesn't want to listen to him, she doesn't have to (no gag required!), but imo, caring partners support each other by listening and truly hearing what the other needs.

bevm72yellow · 15/04/2022 12:52

Listening and not giving an opinion is fine for short periods. Listening can be enough but if your listening has to extend into hours and days of your life then can impact your well-being and mental health. Sometimes a partner can become a "sounding board" for issues from a partner and that is fine but it must work the other way for you also. His previous history and present anxt takes over the relationship and your worries/fears may come into second place. Don't be second place all of the time.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 15/04/2022 12:56

What opinion is it you keep offering?

tomorrowalready · 15/04/2022 13:45

It seems he is grieving the loss of his former wife and family and the life he expected. I know she (former wife + children) are not dead but that life is dead to him. While the family home still existed it continued the emotional connection which is now being definitively cut. So it is a bit like the death of his family and his hopes and expectations. It may be made worse by being delayed and so he is going over and over the same thoughts and feelings to try to come to terms with his powerlessness. The OP is not unreasonable to be bored and irritated by the repitition as there is nothing she can say or do that will make this better and after all they are supposed to be building a new life together. Isn't one of the hardest things about loss and grief that very few if any other people can or will care at the level our emotions want? We all learn eventually to shut up and keep our feeIings to ourselves and ' move on'.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/04/2022 14:11

I can’t believe people are saying OP has to tolerate this shit. Listen and support, yes by all means. But for hours a day? No. And without the right to have an opinion? Fuck that.

Original poster

Pinksparkledust · 15/04/2022 14:59

@Mummy1608 thank you so much for taking the time to help. Really am appreciative of your tips xxx

OP posts:

Mummy1608 · 15/04/2022 15:08

@Pinksparkledust ah that's really nice of you - I hope things work out for your dh so he stops worrying so much!

Original poster

Pinksparkledust · 15/04/2022 15:10

@tomorrowalready
I am sure he is mourning . It must be hard accepting he doesn’t know where the children will live and it’s extremely unlikely they will ever live in a house as exquisite as the currently family home which is beautiful.
I know it’s hard for him watching SD live with his children full time.

I know this is about him grieving ans struggling. I love him and want to listen just not for hours waxy day !

OP posts:

zingally · 15/04/2022 15:11

My dad was exactly the same to my mum when we were growing up. Hours and hours on end he'd sit there, complaining to mum about this that and the other. Never wanted solutions, just a pair of ears.

Only years later did we come to recognise that as a symptom of the quite severe mental health problems he had. He had good years and bad years, and the good years kind of made us forget what he was like when he was bad. And mental health just wasn't a thing people were really aware of so much back then. Especially when the sufferer was a white, middle-aged, professional, educated man with a good job.

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