AIBU to give opinion or should I shut my mouth like DH says?

[Pinksparkledust]

My husband has told me he doesnt want my opinion on certain matters. He just wants me to listen and say - I love you everything will be fine.
This is in relation to his ex partner and his children and the selling of their family home .

He spends hours talking about issues with his ex and his children - centred around selling the old family home. I understand he is worried and needs to talk about this .

He is worried ex will move away to another nearby town / worried kids bedrooms won’t be as big / worried about their new SD who will be living with his kids . Also DH is involved in the sale as he is a co-owner so I understand the house selling is stressful .

BUT , if I ever give my opinion ( and he doesn’t agree with it ) we end up arguing.

We speak about this issue for hours daily and have for months - it’s stressful For me too.

So my options

1. I pay no attention when he talks and nod ( try to stop worrying so much myself and disengage )

2)I ask him to not talk about it ( if he doesn’t want my opinion, why would I listen ?? )

3)I continue to give my opinion and my sometimes we will argue . I am his wife and I have a brain in my head ( and if we can’t communicate like two adults maybe we have a problem ?)

I only give my opinion as I love my husband and I care for him and I am trying to help him . I don’t know everything but as a secondary school teacher who sees the effects of broken families a lot , I try and offer advice to my DH.

But maybe I should just nod along??

AIBU to have an opinion or should I trust he knows his family and stay quiet ?

(Have been with DH 4 years - their family home was kept for children and ex to live in but now ex is married and wants to move in
To a new house with her new husband )

If you don't like someone enough to be sympathetic to them about whatever shit they're going through, you probably don't like them enough to be in a relationship with them.

That didn't address what I said at all. You were affording special status to a partner venting to you about their ex specifically. This is something I'd expect to listen to less than any other topic.

No chance I’d be listening to him whinging on about this if I’d been told effectively to shut up and butt out. There’s letting off steam yes but not every day for hours. Why should op sit there and listen and not be allowed to speak up. It’s like he’s right and no one else is allowed an opinion cheeky man. You may love him op but stop letting him treat you like that. I can see why he is divorced and his ex is running for the hills

Some of these responses sound bonkers to me, I can't see what your do has done wrong.

I've known plenty of women say that just want to be able to talk about a problem and be heard and understood but find it frustrating when their men try to find solutions because a solution wasn't what they needed, talking was what they needed. Things like that are just normal couple things that have to be recognised.

I can't see how you're being supportive by chipping in with your opinions when he's trying to talk about something difficult and stressful for him. The talking is his way of trying to cope but by offering your opinions you're making it into a discussion the same as you would about a current affairs topic, not something that's having a huge effect on his life.

Part of having that brain in your head is knowing when your opinion isn't wanted or needed.

@aSofaNearYou

If you don't like someone enough to be sympathetic to them about whatever shit they're going through, you probably don't like them enough to be in a relationship with them.

That didn't address what I said at all. You were affording special status to a partner venting to you about their ex specifically. This is something I'd expect to listen to less than any other topic.

I wouldn't expect that. You should be able to vent and receive support from your partner about whatever's weighing you down. And in a case like this it's obvious that they're venting, not looking for different opinions. But as I said, within reason. Not hours on end.

@FairyCakeWings

OP said he does this for hours daily. Do you seriously think that's a reasonable amount of time to monologue to someone?

If he’s talking about it endlessly every day, that’d piss me off. I’d be tempted to tell him to stfu about it as it’s boring now.

@FairyCakeWings

The thing is - the conversations do effect me . My partner is often saying ‘ we must sell our house so we can move to be close if his children move ‘ or ‘ could the children live with us full time if they don’t like their SD’.
Obviously not all things involve me but it’s hard as DH jumps from one idea to another and some of them are utterly crazy and so involve me and our DS.
It’s hard for me . One day he wants us to sell our house . Then we are going to add an extension . Then we are doing nothing . It’s utterly exhausting!

I wouldn't expect that. You should be able to vent and receive support from your partner about whatever's weighing you down. And in a case like this it's obvious that they're venting, not looking for different opinions. But as I said, within reason. Not hours on end.

Hmm I'm struggling to get to the bottom of why in your original comment you said that surely it's obvious you should just be offering support when it comes to the topic of his ex in particular, and that goes for a friend "never mind a partner" - ie, a partner should be more silent and available to offer support on the subject of their partner's ex than any other topic.

I think that's really backwards. I think people should endeavour not to overburden their partners about the subject of their ex, this topic in particular would be better suited to discussing with someone you aren't in a romantic relationship with.

And if you're going to talk about it with your partner, it's certainly not a subject they need to be more sensitive and engaged about than others. Why would it be?

He wants an ear.
He doesn't want you to try to solve anything.
He sounds extremely anxious about what might happen.
Let him talk, but I'd wouldn't be listening for hours every day.

I think yabu.His kids are moving further away from him, someone else is stepping into "dad mode" and he's got house selling stress. He's clearly told you how to support him and you're not taking that on board. If he didn't want your opinion on any topic then that's a different scenario.

It's exhausting because you're emotionally engaging in him thinking out loud and venting. You don't need to do that. He's asked you not to do it. You're choosing to respond and react in a certain way then you're complaining about how your choices and your reactions are impacting you.
It's perfectly fine for a partner to say 'I want to vent. I don't want solutions.'
If he is a good man, husband and father (as you say he is) then he isn't going to sell your house out from under you or suddenly buy a house in a new area. So you don't need to get involved when thoughts like that are thrown out during his venting. There's no reason for you to be stressed.

Stepford wives R Us with some posters.

Listening is good. Listening for HOURS is not!

@RedHelenB @AnnesBrokenSlate

For most working adults, a few hours is all anyone really has in their day to themselves, and OP says he is ranting about this for hours daily. Are you seriously saying that OP is being remiss for not letting him fill what is probably all of her free time with silently listening to him vent? "You're not taking it on board"? Seriously?? This is SO selfish of him!

@Strugglingtodomybest

2)I ask him to not talk about it ( if he doesn’t want my opinion, why would I listen ?? )

Presumably because you love him?

As I said on your other thread, he has clearly communicated his needs here, it's up to you whether you hear him or not.

Why not a gag? Then there's no danger of her saying anything at all he doesn't like.

[quote Pinksparkledust]@FairyCakeWings

The thing is - the conversations do effect me . My partner is often saying ‘ we must sell our house so we can move to be close if his children move ‘ or ‘ could the children live with us full time if they don’t like their SD’.
Obviously not all things involve me but it’s hard as DH jumps from one idea to another and some of them are utterly crazy and so involve me and our DS.
It’s hard for me . One day he wants us to sell our house . Then we are going to add an extension . Then we are doing nothing . It’s utterly exhausting![/quote]
If the conversations include stuff that will affect you or your DS, then you do have a right to an opinion. Otherwise, I'd limit the time he spends rehashing this.

[quote aSofaNearYou]**@RedHelenB* @AnnesBrokenSlate*

For most working adults, a few hours is all anyone really has in their day to themselves, and OP says he is ranting about this for hours daily. Are you seriously saying that OP is being remiss for not letting him fill what is probably all of her free time with silently listening to him vent? "You're not taking it on board"? Seriously?? This is SO selfish of him! [/quote]
Perhaps you confused my post with someone else's because nowhere did I say she should listen for hours. Instead I suggested how she can be less stressed about what is happening. Because - oddly enough - MN is supposed to help people not rile them up with ??? and random capital letters - and not tagging in posters simply because you have a different view from them. This is OP's thread not your's. It's pretty rude and derailing to demand other posters explain themselves to you.

I have to say I have reread and changed my mind - this isnt a vent or an actual issue that he has.

There is nothing in your original OP that says that the selling of the house isnt the right choice to make or that him and his ex are amicable.

He is anxious and coming up with worries that arent solvable or his to worry about

@AnneBrokenSlate Have you been here before? It's a discussion forum, people tag each other and discuss each others comments all the time.

Nowhere in your comment did it say anything about hours on end being unreasonable. All you did was tell OP she was bring it on herself with HER actions and reactions ("random" capital letters aren't any more dramatic than "random" use of bold, btw, they mean the same thing), when all she needs to do is quietly listen to him for this to be totally fine.

Honestly I empathise with your OH in this situation. Sometimes I want to be able to vent about a problem at work and my OH will start jumping in with solutions. I'm not really looking for solutions, I'm looking for emotional support. I want him to say "Oh that sounds crap, but I'm sure you'll manage" etc. When he starts offering solutions instead it does sometimes gets my back up and leads to an argument. Is that what is maybe going on here? It does sound like your OH is going on about this situation a lot though. Could you try sympathising without offering opinions/solutions and then try to change the subject?

If I’m not allowed to voice my opinion, then I really don’t want to have to listen to it all. Can’t you see how frustrating that is for me?

Let’s change the subject if I can’t contribute to this conversation.

I don’t want to hear about it. It worries and upsets me but I’m not allowed to say anything. So best we stop the conversation now.

If he’s talking about options that affect you like where the DC live or where you might move to then he’s got a fucking cheek expecting you to sit in silence nodding.

Either you’re a team or you’re not. He married you so he presumably thinks you are and he can suck up your disagreements.

I think your dh needs to see a counsellor. He’s going through a very stressful time and clearly seems to feel like he has no control.
My dh went through a similar time a while ago - linked to his job though. At first Id try to be the voice of reason, and get him to see things from both sides, but in reality he didn't want that when he was on a rant, he just wanted me to have his back. Eventually, he did see a counsellor and found that very helpful in terms of being able to vent and having someone impartial getting him to look at all angles.
Sometimes, we need to vent and we need those we love to let us!

@aSofaNearYou

I wouldn't expect that. You should be able to vent and receive support from your partner about whatever's weighing you down. And in a case like this it's obvious that they're venting, not looking for different opinions. But as I said, within reason. Not hours on end.

Hmm I'm struggling to get to the bottom of why in your original comment you said that surely it's obvious you should just be offering support when it comes to the topic of his ex in particular, and that goes for a friend "never mind a partner" - ie, a partner should be more silent and available to offer support on the subject of their partner's ex than any other topic.

I think that's really backwards. I think people should endeavour not to overburden their partners about the subject of their ex, this topic in particular would be better suited to discussing with someone you aren't in a romantic relationship with.

I meant that when a friend or a partner vents about their ex it's clearly because they're feeling attacked by someone hostile to them. So they fundamentally want someone to be on their side - that's why they're venting, they feel a lack of support. It's not really a time to be like "well actually your ex has a point" or "well actually have you thought about just sucking it up" etc.

@boronia

He wants an ear. He doesn't want you to try to solve anything. He sounds extremely anxious about what might happen. Let him talk, but I'd wouldn't be listening for hours every day.

I agree with this, although I think we're in the minority.

My DH is a really good listener and I do probably "go on a bit" when I'm worried about something- this thread has worried me and I've just read some of it out to him. He just shrugs and says "if you're worried about something, how hard is it for me to listen?" I'm really grateful to him and I don't take it for granted. But I think he's right.

Some tips I have for making "just listening" easier:

• instead of giving opinions, ask neutral questions, that put responsibility on him, like:

"what do you want to do about that?" "What would be the consequences of that?" (When he says he wants to move house etc) "How likely do you think that is?"(if he says his dc will hate their SD) "Are there any good things that could come of this? Can you tell me what a best case scenario looks like?" (When he is catastrophising) "What will happen if you just do nothing? Talk me through what would happen"

I hope these are helpful. But maybe you just want people to slate your DH. I feel a bit sorry for him (not because he is a man, but because I see myself in his behaviour and my DH is much nicer about it)