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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding of a close friend’s daughter

269 replies

Jazzaloon · 15/04/2022 06:36

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid but knew her daughter’s wedding was to take place this April. I was never told the date or the venue and assumed that perhaps the pandemic had altered their plans. I recently had a phone call during which she revealed that the wedding was in four days’ time, explaining away the fact I obviously hadn’t been invited by saying that she didn’t think I would want to come as I didn’t like that sort of thing. True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend. We have been friends for over 30 years and I feel hurt that I was never on the guest list – and by this I mean for the evening reception not the ceremony or the wedding breakfast. As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office.

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception. AIBU and should I just suck it up? At the moment I don’t feel I can meet up with this friend again, especially if it is to see photos of an event I wasn’t ever going to be a part of.

OP posts:
DarleneSnell · 15/04/2022 10:10

As your friend is the one paying and you've been close friends for that long, I see where you're coming from. You're not a randomer. In 30 years you'll have known the daughter too I assume.

My parents covered the bulk of our wedding bill and there were a handful of attendees who only came because my parents wanted them. I was happy with that, it wasn't me paying, and they were all very nice, supportive guests to have. My wedding was "big" though, maybe your friend's daughter is having a smaller, more intimate do? Maybe the husband has a big extended family and they've decided to draw a line? Maybe you'd have been an outlier within the daughter's guest list and the friend couldn't think who to sit you with (and worried you'd hate it!).

I think your friend would have been better giving you the context, rather than making YOU the reason you aren't on the list. I'm sure it's not that they simply didn't want you. You never know what's going on behind the scenes with wedding planning, so many considerations.

cushioncovers · 15/04/2022 10:36

Op what part have you played in the daughters life? Have you spent time with the daughter and her partner? Do you have any input into their lives? You need to ask yourself these questions before getting offended.

Hawkins001 · 15/04/2022 11:16

@Jazzaloon

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid but knew her daughter’s wedding was to take place this April. I was never told the date or the venue and assumed that perhaps the pandemic had altered their plans. I recently had a phone call during which she revealed that the wedding was in four days’ time, explaining away the fact I obviously hadn’t been invited by saying that she didn’t think I would want to come as I didn’t like that sort of thing. True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend. We have been friends for over 30 years and I feel hurt that I was never on the guest list – and by this I mean for the evening reception not the ceremony or the wedding breakfast. As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office.

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception. AIBU and should I just suck it up? At the moment I don’t feel I can meet up with this friend again, especially if it is to see photos of an event I wasn’t ever going to be a part of.

I understand your perspectives but it could be the daughter that had control over the friends list ?
villamariavintrapp · 15/04/2022 11:48

What a shame that you feel that you can't enjoy this with your friend. Her daughter is getting married and you think she'll be excited to show you the pictures of this important (for her and her daughter) life event. And you feel that you never want to see her again because it doesn't directly involve you? I hope she's got better friends that will share this with her!

Crankley · 15/04/2022 11:48

AIBU and should I just suck it up?

Yes, very unreasonable. I don't see an alternative, of course you will have to suck it up.

Bellyups · 15/04/2022 11:52

You sound very old fashioned

Firelogbridge · 15/04/2022 11:52

I can see why you're upset. I am very close to my best friends children (she's an only child). I am like an aunt to them and am godmother to one of the dc. I think I would be upset if I was not invited to any of the dc wedding, given how much involvement I've had in their lives over the years.

Are you still close with your friend? It's a bit strange that the wedding didn't come up in conversation before this?

Echobelly · 15/04/2022 11:55

I'm Jewish and it's pretty normal to invite parents' friends to weddings (as was the case ay ours) and I think in other cultures too, but I don't get the impression it's at all normal at Anglo weddings

MrFsAunt · 15/04/2022 12:10

@Echobelly

I'm Jewish and it's pretty normal to invite parents' friends to weddings (as was the case ay ours) and I think in other cultures too, but I don't get the impression it's at all normal at Anglo weddings
But did you know them personally?
Ohya · 15/04/2022 12:15

I've learnt to accept if I'm not invited by friends to their events because I also don't invite them to every of my events. My wedding was strictly family only. Even my best friend did not attend and she was ok with it. I would say suck it up and get on with life.

DirectionToPerfection · 15/04/2022 12:15

@Firelogbridge

I can see why you're upset. I am very close to my best friends children (she's an only child). I am like an aunt to them and am godmother to one of the dc. I think I would be upset if I was not invited to any of the dc wedding, given how much involvement I've had in their lives over the years.

Are you still close with your friend? It's a bit strange that the wedding didn't come up in conversation before this?

Nowhere in the OP does it suggest that she's anywhere near this close to her friend's daughter. It's not the same situation.
Tabitha789 · 15/04/2022 12:17

Honestly please get over yourself. Weddings are super expensive. Alas you haven't seen them in ages. Particularly the daughter, why should they invite all there mums friends. Do you even know the groom? It's ridiculous expectations from others. Weddings are about the bride and groom. Not about everyone else. They may even of just wanted a small wedding! It's nothing to do with you.

housemaus · 15/04/2022 12:19

One of my mum's friends fell out with her because I didn't invite her to my wedding. Don't be that person - if the bride & groom wanted you there, they'd have invited you. That's absolutely nothing to do with whether or not your friend cares about you, your friendship, or anything else.

I didn't invite my mum's good friend because she was my mum's friend, not mine, and I wasn't close to her. We had limited space, so the order of important went: family > friends of the bride and groom > colleagues/other. 'Mum's friend' fits into the colleague/other category - maybe she doesn't have space. Maybe of her mum's friends, she's closer to the others and not you.

None of that is her mum's/your friend's 'fault'?

caringdenise009 · 15/04/2022 12:23

One of my colleagues has her daughters's wedding coming up and the drama and upset and manipulation has been incredible because the girl dislikes ONE of her friends and doesn't want her there. "If you won't invite her, don't invite any of my friends(about 20 others) and I WILL HAVE NOONE TO TALK TO ALL DAY" " I won't be able to show anyone your wedding pictures ever" jeez. The couple getting married get to invite who they want at their wedding.

daffodilsareinbloom · 15/04/2022 12:27

I'm sorry @Jazzaloon sometimes these things can trigger feelings of rejection, or not being cared for enough.

I'd try to view it from the lens of likely a numbers thing, and not personalise it too much. However hard. I can understand as a close friend why you want to be there, especially if other friends are there. I can understand why it hurts.

Are you single? I have found once I was a single parent that many couple friends just didn't think to invite me to more formal events. I definitely noticed it. I've since seen many of these couples become single and lament at the loss of friends and invites.

Try not to feel embarrassed. It doesn't sound like it is anything you've done and more their own planning. Maybe try to connect with the friend over a coffee, it may help remind you of why you are friends and make the wedding a smaller issue.

Kite22 · 15/04/2022 12:38

Of course YABU.
That is speaking as someone who loves weddings, and does feel a bit sad that it is rare these days to "see off the bride" from her home, or attend a Church ceremony for someone you know well but wouldn't be invited to the Reception, in order to wish them well.

You would be very silly to cut off your friendship over this.

I have lots of friends whose dc are getting married, and lots of my dcs' friends that I have known for years are at the stage of getting married, but I wouldn't expect to be invited to their weddings.

Herejustforthisone · 15/04/2022 12:47

@Jazzaloon

Yes you are spot on, other friends have been invited to the evening reception, she said as much. She just avoided telling me the date as I hadn't been invited and then panicked at the last minute so I wouldn't find out it had taken place from someone else.
If this is the case, I would be very hurt.
itsneilthebaby · 15/04/2022 13:03

This is exactly the kind of argument I’m having with my mum. We’re paying for our wedding but she thinks all their friends should be invited. I’ve never met most of them, but funnily enough she won’t pay the extra costs for them to attend. Am I now going to end up with my mums friends falling out with her and her trying to guilt trip me cus they weren’t invited!?

MajorCarolDanvers · 15/04/2022 13:05

I didn't invite any of my parents friends to my wedding.

It was my wedding and I wanted to invite my own friends, not their friends.

YABU and frankly absurd.

ddl1 · 15/04/2022 13:15

Do you even know the daughter well? I would expect that the wedding guests- apart from the actual families, would be the bride and groom's friends- not their parents' friends. It's not really fair to expect your friend to get you an invitation to her daughter's wedding.

CounsellorTroi · 15/04/2022 13:16

My DH (and I) were invited to DH’s oldest friend’s daughter’s wedding.

My mum did invite some of her friends to my wedding but they were mostly people who’d known me since I was a baby.

Livelovebehappy · 15/04/2022 13:25

I had the same thing a couple of weeks ago. A very close friend's daughter married, and I didn't get invited to the wedding or evening do. But to be honest, neither did any of her other friends, so I felt okay about it. I haven't seen her daughter since her school days when we shared after school care, so I kind of thought, well why would her daughter want me there? Back in the days when I got married, it was common for your parents' to invite all their close friends, usually because they paid for it all, but these days the couples who marry also tend to invest money into the wedding, so I assume will feel less inclined to invite friends of their parents when there are other people they'd prefer to be there.

KosherDill · 15/04/2022 13:32

I don't blame you, OP.

The children of my old friends are like nieces and nephews to me. Not being invited to their weddings would feel like a huge snub.

CrowAndArrow · 15/04/2022 14:10

My best friend of 50 years (who I see weekly) has 3 children who I see as nieces and nephews. I wouldn't expect to be invited to their weddings. Would be lovely, but not expected. Their friends will no doubt come in higher on the list - and rightly so.

zingally · 15/04/2022 14:59

YABU. Weddings are notoriously tricky on numbers, and presumably bride and groom would rather prioritise their own friends, rather than a pal of mums (who has openly said previously she doesn't like weddings!)

Consider the circle of influence around the bride/groom. With them in the centre, moving outwards, it goes parents and siblings, grandparents, very best friends, aunties and uncles, cousins, other friends, friendly work colleagues, then you. "Mums friend" is literally bottom of the pecking order. And if you're considering dumping this friendship because you didn't get an invite, then you're not as close as you thought you were, are you?

What nonsense.