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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to wedding of a close friend’s daughter

269 replies

Jazzaloon · 15/04/2022 06:36

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid but knew her daughter’s wedding was to take place this April. I was never told the date or the venue and assumed that perhaps the pandemic had altered their plans. I recently had a phone call during which she revealed that the wedding was in four days’ time, explaining away the fact I obviously hadn’t been invited by saying that she didn’t think I would want to come as I didn’t like that sort of thing. True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend. We have been friends for over 30 years and I feel hurt that I was never on the guest list – and by this I mean for the evening reception not the ceremony or the wedding breakfast. As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office.

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception. AIBU and should I just suck it up? At the moment I don’t feel I can meet up with this friend again, especially if it is to see photos of an event I wasn’t ever going to be a part of.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 15/04/2022 09:38

I think the problem is more with how the friend has handled it. If she'd said that numbers are tight and the bride and groom are in charge of invitations/only inviting people they see frequently, it might have been okay.
The issue is that she's made up a wet excuse about how this isn't something the OP would enjoy - kind of blaming the OP for lack of invitation when she had no intention of including her. For me, that's the bit which would sting. If my friend said the b&g are only asking people they are close to, I'd not be offended at all. Friend has been at best clumsy and at worst disingenuous

Catshaveiteasy · 15/04/2022 09:39

I think things have changed, although when I was married 30 years ago, I was miffed about the way my parents got so excited about inviting their friends (since they paid for it) - but actually it was only a few, all of which I knew reasonably well.

Several of my long term friends have grown up children who have got married - none of them have invited me to the weddings. At first I was a bit put out as I always imagined being invited to the weddins if my friend's kids, but the reality is I've only met their children occasionally and wouldn't know many of the other guests - only our mutual friends, who also weren't invited.

Don't lose a friend over this. Be interested in the details and ask to see the photos to show you are fine with it.

DirectionToPerfection · 15/04/2022 09:41

@coolhwip

I was responding to your claim that I hadn't read the OP. You seem to be suggesting to that I'm missing something. It's pretty clear that I'm not, I have the same view as the vast majority of posters here.

You have repeatedly missed something. Luckily I have my own mind and don’t fall in like with the majority of posters.

Yes, you're so clever and special. Grin

You have missed the fact that's it's not the friend's wedding and the invites are not coming from her.

CakeAmbushAlert · 15/04/2022 09:43

@coolhwip you read the OP again & tell me where it states that the OP has any kind of relationship with the bride & groom?

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception
This is what OP thinks but doesn’t actually know. She has no idea of the relationship other people have to the bride & groom to be on the guest list.

She is spitting her dummy out because she thinks her friend has invited other people rather than her but she’s not reflecting at all on the fact that she isn’t directly part of the bride & grooms life at all.

As I said before if it was the OPs friends OWN event (birthday party or anniversary) I could understand her being upset at not being invited but it’s not.

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:43

[quote Sakura7]**@coolhwip What's with the aggressive tone? My language isn't that different to yours in the post I responded to.

Claiming that everyone who has a different view to you hadn't read the thread isn't much of an argument.

The friend didn't invite anyone. Her daughter did.[/quote]
What’s with the lie that I said people can’t say anything to OP?

Look at your own posts first before pointing fingers.

ReadyToMoveIt · 15/04/2022 09:43

Surely the daughter and her partner were responsible for the guest list at their own wedding, not your friend?

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2022 09:43

I can see why you might be a bit disappointed - it’s always nice to be invited, but it’s her daughters wedding, so your friend is most likely inviting only a limited number of friends, and will be prioritising those had have some sort of relationship with her daughter.

Give yourself a talking to - this is not your friends party, it doesn’t reflect your relationship with her.

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:46

@DirectionToPerfection

Yes, you're so clever and special. grin

No, that would be you Ms The Entire Thread Agrees With Me. All that’s missing from your posts is ‘Nerr ne ne nerr ne’. Grin

You have missed the fact that's it's not the friend's wedding and the invites are not coming from her.

Where have I said that it’s the friend’s wedding? Again, read the OP.

ReadyToMoveIt · 15/04/2022 09:46

Some of my parents friends came to our wedding… the ones I like and have a relationship with. I invited them, not my parents.
Do you have a relationship with their daughter?

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:48

[quote CakeAmbushAlert]@coolhwip you read the OP again & tell me where it states that the OP has any kind of relationship with the bride & groom?

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception
This is what OP thinks but doesn’t actually know. She has no idea of the relationship other people have to the bride & groom to be on the guest list.

She is spitting her dummy out because she thinks her friend has invited other people rather than her but she’s not reflecting at all on the fact that she isn’t directly part of the bride & grooms life at all.

As I said before if it was the OPs friends OWN event (birthday party or anniversary) I could understand her being upset at not being invited but it’s not.[/quote]
I haven’t said the OP has a relationship with the B&G.

If OP is correct that the friend has invited her other friends to the evening reception but not OP then it’s understandable that OP is disappointed.

Floydthebarber · 15/04/2022 09:50

Surely it was down to your friends daughter and her partner who they invited to their wedding. Her mother isn't in charge of the guest list surely?

SpringIntoChaos · 15/04/2022 09:50

Blimey! I'm a little agog that you are even giving this headspace OP! 😱

Honestly, it would NEVER occur to me that my friends children would want me at their wedding! How utterly bizarre 🤣🤦‍♀️ (and I've known many of them since birth...some are best friends with my own children...but I still wouldn't expect to be invited to their wedding!)

phoenixrosehere · 15/04/2022 09:52

The situation is OP’s friend has invited her other friends to her dd’s wedding/evening do but not OP who has been her friend for 30 years and on the flimsy pretext that OP wouldn’t have wanted to come.

That is not a flimsy pretext. OP said herself she was awkward at such events and her friend knows this and took it into account. If a friend purposely did something that they knew another friend didn’t like, they would be considered a bad friend. It’s unreasonable to expect a friend to invite you to something that you said yourself to them that you don’t like and as another poster out, OP doesn’t even mention the bride really only that her friend is paying. OP EXPECTED to be invited because her friend was paying for it. That’s on her, not her friend and the other friends that were invited could actually have more of a relationship with the bride than she does.

Phewthemutinyworked · 15/04/2022 09:54

I have been to a few friends ,children’s weddings and it is normal amongst our circle of friends.
I have known these people since they were newborn,went to their parents wedding etc.
Am sure budget and size of venue will play a part .
I think the excuse is probably what has really annoyed you ,which is fair enough!

needmorethanthis · 15/04/2022 09:55

Unless you are her godmother YABU. When I got married we strictly told my mother she could bring one friend and that was it or the place would have been filled with her mates. We also had a rule that nobody was invited who hadn’t met my husband. Have you met her husband to be?
Send a gift, keep your mouth shut and do no more.

coolhwip · 15/04/2022 09:55

@phoenixrosehere

It’s unreasonable to expect a friend to invite you to something that you said yourself to them that you don’t like

No, you’re wrong, OP never said she told her friend she wouldn’t like to go. OP said ‘True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend.’

EggBurger · 15/04/2022 10:00

As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office

I know what you mean, but that's not a thing any more. My daughter was horrified when I wanted to go to the church to see her best friend (who we've both known since birth) arrive. It's apparently just embarrassing nowadays.

Lime37 · 15/04/2022 10:03

Are you ment to invite your parents friends to your wedding. Me and my husband never. It didn’t even cross our mind too. You know with it being OUR wedding.

Sakura7 · 15/04/2022 10:04

@coolhwip

Ok you're just willfully misinterpreting things now, I'm out.

GhostofMaudFlanders · 15/04/2022 10:06

Even if other friends of your friend have been invited , it might be because the B &G know them better?

Seriously, this isn't a thing, I'm not sure people get invited to any part of a wedding now just because they are friends with the parents; it's just too expensive .

If I were you and you are that interested in the wedding, a lovely evening going through the photos seems ideal !

DirectionToPerfection · 15/04/2022 10:06

[quote coolhwip]@phoenixrosehere

It’s unreasonable to expect a friend to invite you to something that you said yourself to them that you don’t like

No, you’re wrong, OP never said she told her friend she wouldn’t like to go. OP said ‘True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend.’[/quote]
She's not entitled to an invitation though! Especially if she's not close to the bride and groom.

CakeAmbushAlert · 15/04/2022 10:07

@coolhwip if OP is correct that the friend has invited her other friends to the evening reception but not OP then it’s understandable that OP is disappointed

What a lot of posters are trying to stress to @Jazzaloon is that it’s likely the bride & groom had final say on the guest list. If @Jazzaloon doesn’t have a direct relationship with the bride & groom then she should try not to feel disappointed about not being invited to their wedding.

Is it worth throwing away a 30 year friendship because you are not invited to a member of their family’s special occasion?

Would be interested to hear what @Jazzaloon thinks now she’s read the thread?

phoenixrosehere · 15/04/2022 10:08

No, you’re wrong, OP never said she told her friend she wouldn’t like to go. OP said ‘True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend

Does the friend know that though? OP said it is true that she is awkward at such events and she has met the friend’s family members through the years BUT that says nothing about her relationship with the friend’s daughter, the actual bride. Meeting family through the years does not guarantee an invite to other friend’s family events.

I recall many of my mother’s friends over the years but I wouldn’t have invited them to my wedding if we were not close and again OP does not say she is close to the bride only that she expected her friend to invite her because said friend was paying for it and other friends were invited where again she doesn’t say if those friends who are are close to the bride.

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/04/2022 10:09

It's not your friends place to invite you. You're putting her in an awkward position.

The daughter probably gave the go ahead for a handful of her mother's friends and didn't choose you.

Just accept it gracefully and don't make things awkward.

KarmaStar · 15/04/2022 10:10

Yabu to expect an invitation.