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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to stay at home

79 replies

Sadnesser · 14/04/2022 08:25

I’m possibly too fragile to be posting on this forum but here goes.

I was 8 weeks pregnant and I’m miscarrying. I’ve been up most of the night with pain and I don’t think everything has passed yet.

DH is about to go into work. He says he can’t stay home. He says because he had a day off when I miscarried in December that he can’t stay off again. He works for the public sector.

I have 3 other children with me (not his). I’m very emotional and I’m struggling. We have no one nearby who could help but I don’t want to be alone. I find the whole miscarriage process quite frightening with the pain and the blood and the clots.

AIBU to want him here just for today? I feel like him going to work is going to cause irreparable damage to our relationship. I feel abandoned.

OP posts:
loves2plan · 14/04/2022 08:27

YANBU at all. So sorry you're going through this, OP 💐

Cuppaand2biscuits · 14/04/2022 08:30

I'm so sorry you are going through this alone. There's no way at all he should be leaving you. How utterly insensitive of him.

DoingAway · 14/04/2022 08:30

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

RubaDubMum89 · 14/04/2022 08:37

OP I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this. I've had a few miscarriages myself so can empathise with the awful situation you find yourself in.

I think it's really shitty of your DH to be leaving you. Surely if he rang his workplace and explained what's happening he wouldn't be penalised for it?

Itsallaboutthebenjamins · 14/04/2022 08:40

Hes public sector. They give days off for anything and everything! Of course he should be off with you. Stop trying for anymore children with this man, get rid.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 14/04/2022 08:42

I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers
Ofcoure your DH should stay at home to support you and help with your other children. It baffles me at how insensitive some people can be, i can understand how it would be difficult for you to forgive him for going to work when you are losing your baby. Surely he can either explain to his work or phone in sick.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 14/04/2022 08:42

My now EXDH did this to me 5 times! You have my sympathy.

Original poster
Sadnesser · 14/04/2022 08:44

He came in to the bathroom to say bye and I was crying. He said what wrong?! In an exasperated voice so I just said I’m having a miscarriage…. His response was I know but there’s nothing we can do about it now and then he left.

I don’t think I can forgive him.

OP posts:
bembridge11 · 14/04/2022 08:44

I am so very sorry you are going through this. You should have someone with you. I do hope he realises his error and stays home. Sending you hugs

ilovesooty · 14/04/2022 08:56

I'm so sorry.

I think he should be at home and should tell his employer he needs to be with you.

CrazylazyJane · 14/04/2022 08:58

Good Lord! What a dick.

Having had several miscarriages myself I wouldn't want to be on my own as they were passing. No two miscarriages are the same and you (and him) have no idea how this one will play out.

I'm so sorry for your loss but I wouldn't be able to repair the damage he has caused by leaving you, in your hour of need. Do not attempt to have more children with this useless excuse for a man.

StrangeCondition · 14/04/2022 09:00

I couldn't forgive that either OP, I'm so sorry Flowers

Sunnyjac · 14/04/2022 09:15

Maybe it’s his way of dealing with his own grief? However, he should park that for now and care for you Flowers

ChiselandBits · 14/04/2022 09:17

Your other kids aren't his.. So no ties to this 'man' then. Start making plans to end this. Someone that lacking in empathy and care cannot, by definition, be a good partner. My sympathies.

knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 14/04/2022 09:18

Once you are strong enough physically you need to pack a back and go. Or ask him to go. He is not a loving partner.

Ivyonafence · 14/04/2022 09:18

I'm so sorry OP. For the loss of your pregnancy and for his terrible response.

You should have support right now. Once you've taken care of yourself and healed a bit, that's the time to look at your relationship with him.

I think I agree with you that it's unforgivable.

Greatoutdoors · 14/04/2022 09:21

I’m so sorry you are going through this. The one and only time my XH took a day off work to look after me was when I was miscarrying Flowers

GrandRapids · 14/04/2022 09:26

I'm very sorry, it's a horrible situation.

Re your husbands behaviour, well there's no excuse really. If he was an emergency worker or something else really crucial you could perhaps understand it.

But public sector, I assume you mean civil service or the like? So it's likely an office job where he won't have to deal with any looming crisis and could easily take the day off? Yet he's left you to deal with this crisis on your own. He's a wanker.

DragonOverTheMoon · 14/04/2022 09:28

You poor thing. You deserve so much better than this. This isn't being treated with kindness and love. You are worth so much more.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 14/04/2022 09:30

@Sadnesser

He came in to the bathroom to say bye and I was crying. He said what wrong?! In an exasperated voice so I just said I’m having a miscarriage…. His response was I know but there’s nothing we can do about it now and then he left.

I don’t think I can forgive him.

I couldn't either OP,that's unforgivable. I'm so sorry x
WomanStanleyWoman · 14/04/2022 09:35

I’m so sorry. Of course he should be staying off, unless there’s a genuine emergency and he has absolutely no choice. Even if there was, you still would deserve more than ‘There’s nothing we can do about it’.

whumpthereitis · 14/04/2022 09:36

“What’s wrong?” Hmm Fucking hell, what a prince amongst men.

He may well be grieving, but OP is the one going through the painful and frightening physical process whilst also having to look after three children single handedly. This is not a man that can be relied upon when things get hard. OP, no, you’re not being unreasonable at all. You’re worth far more than this.

2Gen · 14/04/2022 09:37

@Sadnesser

He came in to the bathroom to say bye and I was crying. He said what wrong?! In an exasperated voice so I just said I’m having a miscarriage…. His response was I know but there’s nothing we can do about it now and then he left.

I don’t think I can forgive him.

OP I'm so, so sorry, this is terrible and he's so badly wrong for leaving you go through this alone. I think when a man leaves a woman to face very difficult or painful or frightening situations alone, when he knows the state she's in, he kills something in her. A bit of her love and respect, or a lot, or even all of it. I'm not surprised you feel you can't forgive him, it's inexcusable. YANBU. Please phone your GP or 111 if you can. God love you, I wish I could do more to help than just words!
Underfrighter · 14/04/2022 09:40

Yanbu. It obviously depends on his work, how long he has been there, what his boss is like, how flexible it is, how stretched they are etc as to whether he can go in.

But I'd have shown more empathy and kindness to a stranger going through a miscarriage than what he showed you this morning and thats unforgivable

TokyoSushi · 14/04/2022 09:40

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I've had a MC and it's bad enough just to deal with the physical process of it (putting the emotions to one side for a second) by yourself, never mind while looking after 3 DC. That really is unforgivable.