Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To want DH to stay at home

79 replies

Sadnesser · 14/04/2022 08:25

I’m possibly too fragile to be posting on this forum but here goes.

I was 8 weeks pregnant and I’m miscarrying. I’ve been up most of the night with pain and I don’t think everything has passed yet.

DH is about to go into work. He says he can’t stay home. He says because he had a day off when I miscarried in December that he can’t stay off again. He works for the public sector.

I have 3 other children with me (not his). I’m very emotional and I’m struggling. We have no one nearby who could help but I don’t want to be alone. I find the whole miscarriage process quite frightening with the pain and the blood and the clots.

AIBU to want him here just for today? I feel like him going to work is going to cause irreparable damage to our relationship. I feel abandoned.

OP posts:

StepAwayFromGoogling · 14/04/2022 09:42

OP, is this how your DP deals with grief? Having had three miscarriages myself I remember thinking my DP was being horribly insensitive but I think he was suffering too. That's not to say he shouldn't stay home, he should, but I think men tend to internalise these things.

Maray1967 · 14/04/2022 09:46

So sorry to read this💐
My DH did go to work when I had mine but that was because I told him to because I was ok dealing with it. Yours sounds appallingly callous.

notanothertakeaway · 14/04/2022 09:46

I'd find that very hard to come back from, TBH

Might you be offered counselling, after two miscarriages? That might help you to explore your feelings about this

Top tip, when discussing with him - don't say "you should have stayed". Do say "I felt alone and abandoned when you left". In other words, focus on your feelings (which can't argue with), rather than criticising him (which is more likely to make him defensive)

mrziggycoco · 14/04/2022 09:47

He needs to make an excuse with work (which the truth would be fine) and stay with you. What a twat for not doing so of his own accord. I'd demand it, this is entirely out of order of him. This is his problem too!

Sweepingeyelashes · 14/04/2022 09:47

I am sorry. You do deserve much better treatment from your husband. I don't really think there is any coming back from this. I suppose if he was about to lose his job and was on a last warning that might almost be excusable as you could be in a difficult situation without his salary but not because he took one day off in December.

Get well and get rid would be my motto in this situation.

Maray1967 · 14/04/2022 09:47

I should point out that I had an older child do wasn’t looking after preschoolers and my first was in the summer holidays so I didn’t have to do the school run - just stayed in.
I find it hard to believe that having one day off would count against him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2022 09:49

So very sorry for both of your losses love

I’ve also been there several times and it can be really scary. How old are your DC? Can they be distracted by snacks and tv while you try to focus on yourself? How far away is your nearest EPU if you need help?

He’s an unspeakable dick. I’d be so so angry and feel so betrayed.

Itsallaboutthebenjamins · 14/04/2022 09:49

OP tell him not to come home after work, hes not welcome
Invite someone to come and stay to help out.

Itsallaboutthebenjamins · 14/04/2022 09:50

Can the 3 DC go to their dads?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 14/04/2022 09:50

@Sadnesser
I'm so sorry your going through this.
Your post just made me gasp that he's literally just gone and left like that.

Do you have any family or friends nearby that you could call to come and help with your other dc?

A friend who can come and sit with you?

2Hot2Handle · 14/04/2022 09:51

I felt exactly the same way you did about being left alone and that was without having 3 other children to look after and plenty of support around. It is scary and painful and heartbreaking all at once. He is very very wrong and should be utterly ashamed in himself.

Bobbybobbins · 14/04/2022 09:51

Yanbu both because of the pain you are in and because you have 3 other children to look after

billy1966 · 14/04/2022 09:54

You poor woman.

How awful.

Learn from this.

He is showing you who he is.

Do not have a child with him.

You already have 3 children and no support around you.

You do not need another child when you are clearly so vulnerable with 3 already.

Protect yourself.

britneyisfree · 14/04/2022 09:54

Unforgivable. So sorry you're going through this again op.

I'd advise reconsidering your relationship with him

chopc · 14/04/2022 10:00

Do not have any children with this poor excuse of a man. My DH works in the private sector and had a boss from hell but still stayed behind when I had a trickle of blood plus called in sick for me so I have the rest of the week off to rest

woody87 · 14/04/2022 10:00

Do you really want to have a child with this man?

This is a horrible situation but once you have recovered I would be putting him out the house and moving on with your life. No relationship is a far cry better than being in one like this.

LemonPledge555 · 14/04/2022 10:03

I can’t believe that nearly 20% of people think he’s not U.

I hate to use the cliche but you need to get your ducks in a row.

I’m so sorry for your losses and so sorry that he’s acting this way. Even if he is grieving, there is no excuse to act like this.

Chely · 14/04/2022 10:05

I've been there multiple times. DH was less use than a chocolate teapot when he was around or not.

DoubleGauze · 14/04/2022 10:08

I'm sorry for your loss op.

Exh had a similar reaction when I had a miscarriage. I left months later as that incident was the tip of the iceberg.

What is he like in general?

TeeBee · 14/04/2022 10:09

He is horrific. I couldn't forgive him either. The writing is on the wall.
I'm so sorry OP. Hope you have a calm day.

Glumgal · 14/04/2022 10:10

So sorry OP l can totally understand you wanting him with you today. How old are the children? Could you stick a movie on and snuggle under some blankets for the rest of the day? Big hugs x

motherofcatsandbears · 14/04/2022 10:17

If he works in the public sector, he should be entitled to special/ emergency leave. He is not being very supportive to you - does he usually run when things get tough?
Take care of yourself and know we are all here for you 💐💐💐

Newestname002 · 14/04/2022 10:18

@Sadnesser

He came in to the bathroom to say bye and I was crying. He said what wrong?! In an exasperated voice so I just said I’m having a miscarriage…. His response was I know but there’s nothing we can do about it now and then he left.

I don’t think I can forgive him.

OMG. How cold hearted of him - I'm not surprised you don't think you can forgive him. Whether you stay with him in the future is, of course, up to you. I don't think I would want to be in a future relationship/want to try again to have children with someone who shows such a lack of care though.

I'm sorry you are going through this, @Sadnesser. Strength to you. 🌹

elbea · 14/04/2022 10:20

How horrible! My husband was allowed back from his deployment for two weeks when I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. I was on strong painkillers and couldn’t look after my one year old at the same time. He could easily get a day off.

NovemberRain2 · 14/04/2022 10:21

Don't.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread