Page 3 | To want DH to stay at home

Sadnesser · 2022-04-14T07:25:51+00:00

I’m possibly too fragile to be posting on this forum but here goes. I was 8 weeks pregnant and I’m miscarrying. I’ve been up most of the night with pain and I don’t think everything has passed yet. DH is about to go into work. He says he can’t stay home. He says because he had a day off when I miscarried in December that he can’t stay off again. He works for the public sector. I have 3 other children with me (not his). I’m very emotional and I’m struggling. We have no one nearby who could help but I don’t want to be alone. I find the whole miscarriage process quite frightening with the pain and the blood and the clots. AIBU to want him here just for today? I feel like him going to work is going to cause irreparable damage to our relationship. I feel abandoned.

NovemberRain2 · 14/04/2022 10:21

@NovemberRain2

Don't.

Sorry, I meant don't forgive him.

Partyatnumber10 · 14/04/2022 10:25

@Sadnesser

He came in to the bathroom to say bye and I was crying. He said what wrong?! In an exasperated voice so I just said I’m having a miscarriage…. His response was I know but there’s nothing we can do about it now and then he left.

I don’t think I can forgive him.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and yes he should have stayed with you. How old are your other 3? Is there any way you could contact school friends' families and ask them to help you out by inviting them over? At least you'd get a bit of peace.

Then when this is over I'd suggest you seriously reconsider your future with your "d"h.
He isn't supporting you when you need him most and that shows a lot.

Crunchymum · 14/04/2022 10:28

I'm sorry to hear you having another loss.

How old are the kids he has left you with?

Can you call their mother and ask her to collect them?

Do you regularly provide childcare to his other children?

He is an embarrassment. He should be ashamed of his selfishness and lack of compassion (he should be but he won't)

I assume he is a cunt in general and not just about this?

When you feel strong enough, I think you know what you need to do.

FWIW I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and I couldn't have managed any kids whilst it happened.

I hope you get through it and I hope you find the strength to leave this horrid human being.... all in good time of course.

Original poster

Sadnesser · 14/04/2022 10:29

We will manage of course, assuming I don’t have any problems which I shouldn’t do.

The house is mine, I won’t be leaving, especially when I feel unwell. I don’t think I want him home tonight though. I need to think things through when I feel better and then I’ll decide about the future. I do know that I can’t have a child with him now though. He can’t be relied upon.

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 14/04/2022 10:29

I haven’t voted as if he genuinely can’t have a day off then I don’t know what he is expected to do.
Would it affect his employment if he had another day off?

He obviously shouldn’t have a day off just because you’re having a miscarriage but he should absolutely look after the children.
Did you tell him that you need help with the children?
From your OP it sounds like you asked him to have a day off due to the miscarriage not because you need help looking after the children.

I’m sorry you’re going through this

dreamingbohemian · 14/04/2022 10:31

Do not forgive him.

I'm sorry for your loss

daisyjgrey · 14/04/2022 10:41

@Sadnesser

He came in to the bathroom to say bye and I was crying. He said what wrong?! In an exasperated voice so I just said I’m having a miscarriage…. His response was I know but there’s nothing we can do about it now and then he left.

I don’t think I can forgive him.

That would be my big red flag to not try to have any more children with him.

Sorry you're going through it and your husband is such a prick, you don't deserve that.

Pamparam · 14/04/2022 11:00

That’s truly awful OP. my partner took more time off than me during/after my second MC and he’s public sector too. He probably over milked it, but he works very hard and wanted to support me at follow up appointments etc even though I felt ok to go alone.

I couldn’t stay with a man like yours.

Flickflak · 14/04/2022 11:03

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CrowAndArrow · 14/04/2022 11:06

What an arsehole.

pack him a bag and leave it on the door step.

Bewilderbeest · 14/04/2022 11:08

You poor poor thing. We’re all here for you, even if that bastard isn’t.

HELLITHURT · 14/04/2022 11:25

This is just so sad, I am so sorry OP. I am speechless at his cruelty.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/04/2022 11:28

I'm so sorry :( YANBU for feeling how you feel especially considering what you're going through but If he can't take the day off, it's not his fault

HELLITHURT · 14/04/2022 11:29

@WonderfulYou

I haven’t voted as if he genuinely can’t have a day off then I don’t know what he is expected to do. Would it affect his employment if he had another day off?

He obviously shouldn’t have a day off just because you’re having a miscarriage but he should absolutely look after the children.
Did you tell him that you need help with the children?
From your OP it sounds like you asked him to have a day off due to the miscarriage not because you need help looking after the children.

I’m sorry you’re going through this

Why on earth shouldn't he have a day off "just because OP is miscarrying" of course he should! Miscarrying does carry a medical risk, OP also needs physical and emotional help. He is stating he can't have another day off as OP miscarried four months ago, that's not a reason to not stay off.

Your post is awful and minimising miscarriage.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 14/04/2022 11:32

Of course he should have taken a day off for this to look after you! You need to leave him as this is the biggest sign of showing no support whatsoever. He sounds selfish. Sorry you are going through this

diddl · 14/04/2022 11:39

@Sadnesser

He came in to the bathroom to say bye and I was crying. He said what wrong?! In an exasperated voice so I just said I’m having a miscarriage…. His response was I know but there’s nothing we can do about it now and then he left.

I don’t think I can forgive him.

Bloody hell!

You are going through something so awful.

What "we" could have done is for him to have stayed with you!

Profanisaurasrex · 14/04/2022 11:45

Yanbu at all, he’s being incredibly insensitive.

Triffid1 · 14/04/2022 11:56

A friend's DH couldn't be with her and their baby in hospital because he'd started a new, very intensive job and it was very very difficult. Instead, he rushed home from work as early as he could. Came straight to the hospital. Sent friend home to shower, spend time with there other child, eat etc. Then they took turns staying overnight in the hospital. He texted and called throughout the day.

So even if there's some reason why it would be hugely difficult for him to take the day off, the fact that he is so heartless while you're going through this is 100% not okay. I'm so sorry OP.

SaintJavelin · 14/04/2022 12:00

He's a cunt, my husband stayed at home when I miscarried.

I'm so sorry OP.

MindTheGapMoveAlong · 14/04/2022 12:10

I didn’t want to read and run. I’m truly sorry OP not just for your loss but also that you’ve had to find out what a lightweight your DH is as a result. I can’t believe the apologists saying he’s maybe processing his grief and basically expecting you to ‘be kind’ . He’s a complete and utter arse. You deserve so much more.

IncompleteSenten · 14/04/2022 12:13

That is unforgivable.

It is true that he cannot stop what is happening but that is not why you need him.
You need him because you are emotionally wrecked and you need his support.
If he thinks the only reason he would need to stay would be if he could undo the miscarriage and since that's not possible, he is not interested in supporting you emotionally. or even giving a shit. Then I don't think he's worth keeping.

Did he even want this baby? He seems so cold.

HousePlantNeglect · 14/04/2022 12:21

I’m so sorry OP. My usually excellent husband was similar when I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. I’d been in A&E bleeding and needed surgical management. The two days after surgery he said he couldn’t take any more time off so I had to look after our two small kids myself. He relented and stopped work early one day as I felt so woozy after the general anaesthetic.

I’m currently having a threatened miscarriage at 7 weeks (heartbeat seen but still bleeding). My husband has announced he has to go on an urgent business trip next week.

So I can totally relate to what you’re going through. Im so sorry, as you really need to look after yourself right now. I hope you have some else you can look to for support?

SpidersAreShitheads · 14/04/2022 12:37

I'm so, so sorry OP. You're not alone. Everyone is here to support you, even if you just read silently and don't reply.

You're doing the right thing. Keep him away and take your time. For me, this would be game over. Even if he's running to work because it's his way of coping, he's completely uninterested in your wellbeing. And bearing in mind you have the physical symptoms as well as the mental loss, it's infinitely worse for you. There is no universe where you're being unreasonable. This is just awful.

Sending hugs.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/04/2022 12:38

@HousePlantNeglect sorry to hear what you're going through as well

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 14/04/2022 17:21

I left my ex of 10 years for something similar. Diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy, we were sitting waiting for me to have the methotrexate injection and he refused to come in the room. He also wouldn’t attend any follow up appointments because he “doesn’t like needles.” Neither did!

Within a few months the relationship was over. I’d never have trusted him again. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.