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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a wedding one…

97 replies

Imsuretheresawittiername · 13/04/2022 17:22

Feel quite conflicted about this (and conflicted about why I’m so annoyed about this). Will try to keep it brief/need opinions as not sure if AIBU (and if I care if I am)

DH best friend (let’s call him Sam) told us he was going abroad to propose to his gf. We love Sam and love his gf but he acts quite young and doesn’t have children yet so can suggest some pretty silly stuff (eg did we want to leave our 2 week old baby for a weekend away in the UK…). anyway we didn’t hear from him re the proposal and it was extremely awkward/didn’t know if she had maybe rejected him (it was sped along because of need for a VISA etc). We tried to ask indirectly but got no answers. Several months later we find out he actually got married out there and didn’t tell anyone. Quite an odd thing to do and then not share/has made it all quite awkward/haven’t been able to really congratulate them due to manner of information being relayed.

Anyway they are planning a wedding abroad in September. It’s in a tricky countryside in Europe, not easy to get to. We have a 2 and a 4 year old and we will have a 2/3 month old baby. AIBU to think 1) it’s just too much. I don’t know if the children are invited but as a bare minimum we would need to take the newborn and do I want to fly and drive with a baby and leaking breasts and wobbly postpartum gut for this purpose 2) I don’t really want DH leaving me for a weekend with 3 children of this age, and 3) am I just being a bitch because I don’t think this has been done in a nice/inclusive way that makes me want to put myself out? It all feels a bit mixed together

So I guess AIBU to feel they’ve handled this a little strangely and AIBU to not go/DH not go without me? A few questions (and maybe I’m unreasonable in several ways - it wouldn’t be the first time 😃)

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 13/04/2022 17:26

I would be happy for DH to go alone to this if it was me. But I couldn't see myself attending personally. I do think you're unreasonable to judge them for how they've gone about things - ultimately it's up to them (although they may find less people attend their non-wedding gathering in the circumstances).

MelvinThePenguin · 13/04/2022 17:28

YABU about how they have chosen to marry, share the information and celebrate with others. That’s a matter entirely for them, even if it might not be “conventional”.

YANBU about not wanting to go- this is a matter for you, but don’t do it out of annoyance. I think YAB a bit U about not wanting DH to go. I’d manage for a short while to let my DH go to his best friend’s wedding.

greenlynx · 13/04/2022 17:28

I don’t think that they’ve done strangely about proposal/registration there could be some circumstances around her visa status, her job or personal ( e.g dying relative or her illness - hope nothing like that) which required her to get married quickly. Our friends were in similar c circumstances and didn’t tell anyone until it’s sorted and they decided on a wedding date. However I do agree that the trip might be complicated when you have 3 small DC and you might miss it for these reasons, nothing unusual if the wedding is abroad, just decline politely and send them a card.

Original poster
Imsuretheresawittiername · 13/04/2022 17:29

I just feel like it’s odd but I’m not able to articulate why. I mean if they wanted a secret wedding of course that’s fine but then why tell us about the proposal? Why tell us 3 months later and not at the time? I don’t really understand it. His mother is obviously devastated (that’s not my problem it just shows it’s been quite thoughtless).

Do you think having a 3 month old, 2 and 4 year old alone for the weekend would be fine? I don’t really know what to expect. With 2 it would have been ok but 3 seems like a lot alone when one is so small.

OP posts:
pictish · 13/04/2022 17:30

Yanbu to sit it out. Sounds like an expensive hassle for a dummy wedding…particularly with all the secrecy at what not. I wouldn’t stop dh from going if he wants to though.

Original poster
Imsuretheresawittiername · 13/04/2022 17:31

If it was in the UK I would be much more willing for DH to go alone because he could go for a day. It doesn’t help that our two are horrendous sleepers (up at 4/5am) etc and I think after 2-3 days and nights I will be on my knees.

I just feel very begrudging about this because I don’t really understand why they didn’t just share the information so we could all be happy together (that sounds lame but hopefully it’s clear what I mean).

OP posts:
Mooshering · 13/04/2022 17:32

They're already married, but want everyone to schlep out abroad to see them get married again?

OatmilkandCookies · 13/04/2022 17:32

Its totally their choice at the end of the day how they want to get married, but yanbu at all for not wanting to go.

pictish · 13/04/2022 17:32

You’ll be fine having the weekend at home alone with the kids. Just make sure all your food and other supplies are in before he goes so you don’t have the additional hassle of having to shop while he’s away.

MelvinThePenguin · 13/04/2022 17:32

Do you think having a 3 month old, 2 and 4 year old alone for the weekend would be fine? I don’t really know what to expect. With 2 it would have been ok but 3 seems like a lot alone when one is so small.

Yes, of course it would be fine. Tiring and not your favourite weekend, but ultimately fine. Have you got relatives/friends you could have over/meet up with to break it up a bit? That’s what I’d do.

eevanhalley · 13/04/2022 17:33

This reply has been deleted

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FairyCakeWings · 13/04/2022 17:34

It seems like an unusual way to go about things but I’d presume they had their reasons.

I can see why you wouldn’t want to go to the wedding just because of the logistics, but it sounds like you’re being unreasonable to be so irritated with the whole thing. They haven’t done anything wrong. Maybe they did a rush job for the sake of a visa but didn’t want that to be their ‘wedding day’ or the wedding that people remember them having.

forrestgreen · 13/04/2022 17:38

Considering how much effort they put into informing you (none) I wouldn't want to go. I also wouldn't want dh to go although I wouldn't stop him (but I'd expect to go away alone when it suited me-to sleep!)

MelvinThePenguin · 13/04/2022 17:38

@eevanhalley

Do you spend a lot of time on mumsnet? I think sometimes that a lot of posts (understandably) are when something has gone wrong and people want to vent or get support. If you are exposed to this constantly it can alter perceptions of what is normal and you start to imagine the worse for no real reason. When you add on the fact that many of your friends have had some form of cheating, it's easy to end up in a negative mind frame, expecting the worst.

For what it's worth, from what you've posted there's no reason to suspect your DH has/is cheating unless you have another reason for suspicion you're not sharing.

Garden of Eva Landscape Design Group Inc.

Wrong thread, I assume. But the link is baffling!
Treacletoots · 13/04/2022 17:41

I'm totally on your side here OP..about 3 children on your own that is.

I get the way they've gone about the wedding is a bit Hmm but it is up to them I guess and the greatest gift we can give is to not judge. Easier said than done I know.

However if DH had suggested leaving me alone for the weekend with a 2-3 month old plus two more under 3s there is no way in hell, actually he wouldn't be daft enough to suggest it. Just one under 3 is incredibly hard work let alone 3.

I feel sometimes on here women are made to feel.bad for being honest about the realities of raising babies and toddlers. And it's OK to say it's too much for just you on your own for a length of time. I certainly would be. I think too many women on here have those types of partners who don't lift a finger and expect their OH to do the child raising so it's what they're used to, but that's not OK.

Ponderingwindow · 13/04/2022 17:44

If it is in the location she or her family happen to live, then the logistical difficulties are understandable. In that case, if it’s a good friend I would try to brainstorm a way for your DH to attend and if you can’t make it work without leaving you frazzled and exhausted, then send regrets. If it’s just an inconveniently placed destination wedding, I wouldn’t bother with the effort and would just decline.

If you aren’t attending, do try to send a thoughtful gift. I think something personal that reflects the friendship is better than something generic in that situation.

ShirleyPhallus · 13/04/2022 17:47

They got married, it isn’t really about you!

If you can’t make it, don’t go, but it isn’t a personal thing about you / your childcare etc etc.

Sally872 · 13/04/2022 17:48

None of the back story is relevant. They are having a celebration once you are invited make a decision and communicate it politely.

Personally I would want to celebrate a friends wedding buy agree it wouldn't be practical with such small children. So dh going would be my preference.

Theyellowflamingo · 13/04/2022 17:48

I wouldn’t be ok with DH leaving me with a tiny baby and two preschoolers for several days to go to a party, no. Or even an actual wedding and I certainly wouldn’t go myself. If you insist on having your wedding/non wedding in the middle of the countryside abroad then I think you have to accept lots of people won’t be able to attend.

Original poster
Imsuretheresawittiername · 13/04/2022 17:51

If it’s just an inconveniently placed destination wedding, I wouldn’t bother with the effort and would just decline

It’s just an inconveniently placed destination wedding!

The mixture of responses on here have already made me feel a lot better about being conflicted.

I have also known and been friends with Sam for 16 years, since we were teenagers. I suppose I just feel we haven’t been included or factored in - this isn’t about us and it’s their day and their time but it is making me feel fairly petulant. But I think a lot of it is just also down to his lack of understanding or thought re practicalities of children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsuretheresawittiername · 13/04/2022 17:52

If you can’t make it, don’t go, but it isn’t a personal thing about you / your childcare etc etc

Yes of course it’s not but equally this is my post on MN where I’m asking about my children and peoples thoughts

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsuretheresawittiername · 13/04/2022 17:55

None of the back story is relevant

I could pretend to be a perfect person where it isn’t relevant but I think it might be clouding my judgement because I’m unreasonable.

Would I feel differently if he had called us and said “guess what, we got married!” And then we had them round for champagne and celebrations and got to ask questions about their wedding party plans and it was all out in the open? Yes. But then ultimately would I have been able to manage 3 alone so soon after birth? Still don’t know. It’s just made me feel like perhaps we aren’t the friends I thought.

OP posts:
RandomQuest · 13/04/2022 17:56

It’s their choice when and how they get married. It’s your choice whether or not you attend. Don’t take it so personally, they’re just doing what suits them as a couple. Does you DH want to go or not? I mean you could get through the weekend with the 3 kids if you had to but it would definitely be a struggle. Whether this friend and his inconvenient wedding his is worth that much to your DH is for you guys to sort out really… But this guy isn’t doing anything wrong, or being unreasonable in anyway not to factor your childcare into his wedding plans.

Clarinet1 · 13/04/2022 17:58

I definitely second the idea of getting some kind moral support in if DH goes on his own ?DM ?MIL ?Sister ?Best friend

steppemum · 13/04/2022 17:59

I suspect thatthey got married straight away because it was much easier to process the visa.

Then got a bit embarrassed that they had had a rushed wedding.

He obviously now wants to celebrate with friends and family.

Personally, so much would depend on where and when and if I quite fancied a break. So, eg French countryside in June, I'd be tempted to rent a place for a week and have a holiday and then either dh or both go to the actual day.

I certainly wouldn't mind dh going. I don't really understand why you would object to him going.

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