It’s a wedding one…

[Imsuretheresawittiername]

Feel quite conflicted about this (and conflicted about why I’m so annoyed about this). Will try to keep it brief/need opinions as not sure if AIBU (and if I care if I am)

DH best friend (let’s call him Sam) told us he was going abroad to propose to his gf. We love Sam and love his gf but he acts quite young and doesn’t have children yet so can suggest some pretty silly stuff (eg did we want to leave our 2 week old baby for a weekend away in the UK…). anyway we didn’t hear from him re the proposal and it was extremely awkward/didn’t know if she had maybe rejected him (it was sped along because of need for a VISA etc). We tried to ask indirectly but got no answers. Several months later we find out he actually got married out there and didn’t tell anyone. Quite an odd thing to do and then not share/has made it all quite awkward/haven’t been able to really congratulate them due to manner of information being relayed.

Anyway they are planning a wedding abroad in September. It’s in a tricky countryside in Europe, not easy to get to. We have a 2 and a 4 year old and we will have a 2/3 month old baby. AIBU to think 1) it’s just too much. I don’t know if the children are invited but as a bare minimum we would need to take the newborn and do I want to fly and drive with a baby and leaking breasts and wobbly postpartum gut for this purpose 2) I don’t really want DH leaving me for a weekend with 3 children of this age, and 3) am I just being a bitch because I don’t think this has been done in a nice/inclusive way that makes me want to put myself out? It all feels a bit mixed together

So I guess AIBU to feel they’ve handled this a little strangely and AIBU to not go/DH not go without me? A few questions (and maybe I’m unreasonable in several ways - it wouldn’t be the first time 😃)

Have I missed something? They got married without telling anyone and they are planning to get married again?

Can totally see your point about all of your thoughts and I would feel much the same way.
Maybe you can let DH make the decision on whether or not he wants to go? Saves you a job.

You could stay home and if he does go, the two of you could plan as much as possible to give you an easy a time of it as is possible. Pre prepared meals so you don’t have to cook. A friend or family member staying with you, that could and would lend a hand. Some kind of planned respite for you, for when he returns, so that you have something to look forward to and to keep you going.

Once the decision is made, you can put your mind to rest and plan accordingly.

Tbh it won’t be just weekend depending on the day and time and place it could be Thursday-Monday.
I wouldn’t stay with 3 little ones on my own, unless you can have someone to help you but plenty of people would. Neither view is wrong.

I suppose I just feel we haven’t been included or factored in

Unless it's a very small wedding they expect you to go to, YABvU with this comment!

YANBU to decline at all.
Think YAB a bit U to not let DH - especially if he can do there and back in 2 nights.

I also don't understand the judgement about how they've done it/he's very immature/ etc. It comes across as you're taking this as a personal slight? Presumably there must be more of a backstory....

"Inclusive"?

When we had very young children we just politely declined all weddings that excluded children. We didn’t say it was because it wasn’t child friendly or because we couldn’t leave an exclusively breastfed baby. We just said we couldn’t come. Wait for the invitation. If it excludes children or only arrives a month before then decline. If it includes children and you think you can manage it and want to go then accept. Incidentally I did not give wedding gifts to child-free weddings that we could not attend because we had children before our friends.

Some years later a late-to-marry old friend complained about the low acceptance rate and I had to point out that, while parents understand that the happy couple might want a child-free event, they are not always in a position to leave their children so have no choice in the matter. Even in this country weddings can involve 24 hours away from home, so it is not simply a matter of getting a babysitter for a few hours.

Yanbu about it being too difficult for you all to attend, and a challenge for even dh to attend. Being disappointed but unable to manage is reasonable and I expect friend would understand.

Being told about the wedding late is not really relevant and doesn't make any difference to being able to go. That is the u reasonable part. I expect they had to do it quicker than they would have liked and are counting it as paperwork and the celebration with their family and friends as the real wedding (even if not legally the case.) Maybe he feels upset his mum is disappointed, maybe he is upset for himself or his wife, maybe he doesn't see the original wedding as a big deal as it was rushed. Whatever the reason it is a completely separate issue to being unable to attend the wedding.

Also calling him silly for inviting you away when baby 2 weeks old is a bit rude. It's better to invite than have people feel left out. It's your place to decline not others place to decide you can't ve invited places.

I don't think how he chose to propose, or how and when he has chosen to get married is any of your business. YABU to get wound up about any of that stuff. We didn't need the context.

The only question is whether you feel up to going to his wedding abroad in September or not.

I'd wait until you actually know whether your children are invited before you make a decision. Either way, nobody can tell you what to do. I'd be tempted to get someone to come and stay with me and the children and let your husband just fly out there on his own for a few days.

@Treacletoots I don't understand this at all. Presumably when deciding to have a third child you're confident you can cope. It literally never crossed my mind to need my Husband there for a weekend (just as well really because he worked weekends!) and I have 4...a weekend is really not a long time.

Yeah the way they've done it is a bit strange, but not a reason to avoid the wedding.

However, that sounds like a logistical nightmare with 3 kids...just my preference but I'd 100% say no to going abroad with a 2/3 month old, you'd be lucky getting me to the pub down the road at that point lol.

YANBU to not want to go but YABU to not let your DH go.

YANBU.
I wouldn’t be happy to make all that effort for someone who didn’t even bother keeping me informed.
You can’t stop your H from going if you’ve got no financial issues but I personally would find it a waste of money…. Wouldn’t want to put my own budget out.

It’s nothing personal but he probably hasn’t given a moments thought about how your children fit into it all. It’s hard when planning a wedding to please everyone and anticipate everyone’s wants. So lm guessing they are sticking most likely with what works for the bride and groom

I certainly wouldn't mind dh going. I don't really understand why you would object to him going

Because I had 2 very very difficult babies and I’m not sure number 3 will be any different and it will 3 months after I’ve given birth so I might not want to be alone with 3 children for 2-3 days and nights (and DH works v long hours during the week so it would mean a 2 week stretch without any respite as he can’t help during the week)

Also calling him silly for inviting you away when baby 2 weeks old is a bit rude

I’m not explaining the context well but he had 0 understanding of why me leaving a 2 week old baby for a weekend would be a problem from me. I do think that’s quite silly yes.

I take everyone’s points re their decisions etc. I think you may be right @steppemum that they were embarrassed about a visa wedding? I don’t know.

I could well just be hormonal
And therefore taking things more personally than reasonable. I will ask re children at wedding

I wouldn't want to be home potentially 2 months pp with three kids but I would be OK if I had help. I'm still sore at that point and last time had an infection that I really struggled with. I also understand not wanting to go to such an effort when he didn't actually tell you he got married and for a ceremony that means little (to you) because he's already married, especially when he doesn't realise how much effort you would be making. I'd send your dh but ask if a relative could have the older kids for the weekend or come and stay with you to help you out. Is that possible? I'd also be considering finances and it'll it would be a stretch I'd have a nice card and gift at the ready for when you next see them but wouldn't go.

You'll be fine, I had 3 very young dc and hubby worked away for weeks at a time.

Also I just want to say it’s not about me “letting” DH go. Of course he must go if he wants to. But he’s a good husband and he will only go if pushed, as he won’t want to leave me alone with 3 small children unless I really make him (he’s also quite lazy and doesn’t like flying which might factor in 😃)

You really have to decide what the issue is here @Imsuretheresawittiername because at the moment you look petty.

You have every right to not want to go because you don't like what Sam has done, that's up to you but you can't create other issues because you're pissed off.

I can see that it's not particularly convenient or easy to take 3 children (if they're invited) but I don't think it would be reasonable to stop your husband going to his best friend's wedding.

Firstly, get your husband to ask what the situation is. Are kids invited etc. if they are, you could maybe make it a holiday?

If the kids aren't invited then just give your husband your blessing to go and start working out the logistics. Is there a friend or family member who could come and stay and tag team a bit. You have plenty of time to plan something.

You know you have these three kids for ever right? There will be times when he's not there.

Can you get a mate or sister/ mum to come & hang out with you whilst he's away at his best friends wedding?

Yab a bit U

I don't understand this at all. Presumably when deciding to have a third child you're confident you can cope

Of course I’m confident I can cope in general. But 2-3 months postpartum
Breastfeeding can be absolutely relentless and its quite a tricky time to juggle. It’s a bit more like “Should I need to do it alone for this particular reason?” - it’s got nothing to do with my general understanding of having 3 children etc. as most people
Are pointing out; if DH did go I would probably try to get MIL or DM to help out but it’s not quite the same as they wouldn’t help at night or when the eldest two get up at 5am and night time is the big one, really.

I’ve messaged him anyway to ask re their arrangements for the children

You're surprised that a childless couple didn't plan their wedding around child care considerations? That's just how it works, sorry. If you can get help for that weekend, you should let your DH go. If no one can help, he shouldn't go. No way in hell I'd go in your position, especially to a party hosted by someone without children, as it's likely that nothing will be made easy for you on location.

You know you have these three kids for ever right? There will be times when he's not there

It’s such a silly comment! Do I have them forever? Will they be breastfeeding and getting up at 5am forever?! There is a difference between hiM not being there for a day or a night or work or when the youngest one is a bit older etc but 2-3 nights at this age and time is a bit tricky I think. Thankfully I’m not alone in this train of thought but your comment is so patronising

@2Hot2Handle

Thank you for understanding

@AubadeIsIt

Yes it’s a good point! We took DS1 to a wedding where the couple didn’t have children and wished we hadn’t gone. I definitely understand they aren’t making provisions for us having children, I just hope they understand if we don’t go. If DH doesn’t go I don’t want to be “bitch wife” where it’s assumed I’ve said no etc

@TotallyTS

Yes - that’s my concern exactly. I don’t want to make decisions that are petty but it’s quite hard to separate all the reasoning if you see what i mean. It’s quite hard this far ahead to know how things will be after the birth (so much always depends on the new baby, the way the birth has gone etc). Maybe I will be laughing that I thought it would be a problem.

It’s also term time and DS 4 will have started school so the option of making it a holiday etc isn’t very attractive.