It’s a wedding one…

[Imsuretheresawittiername]

Feel quite conflicted about this (and conflicted about why I’m so annoyed about this). Will try to keep it brief/need opinions as not sure if AIBU (and if I care if I am)

DH best friend (let’s call him Sam) told us he was going abroad to propose to his gf. We love Sam and love his gf but he acts quite young and doesn’t have children yet so can suggest some pretty silly stuff (eg did we want to leave our 2 week old baby for a weekend away in the UK…). anyway we didn’t hear from him re the proposal and it was extremely awkward/didn’t know if she had maybe rejected him (it was sped along because of need for a VISA etc). We tried to ask indirectly but got no answers. Several months later we find out he actually got married out there and didn’t tell anyone. Quite an odd thing to do and then not share/has made it all quite awkward/haven’t been able to really congratulate them due to manner of information being relayed.

Anyway they are planning a wedding abroad in September. It’s in a tricky countryside in Europe, not easy to get to. We have a 2 and a 4 year old and we will have a 2/3 month old baby. AIBU to think 1) it’s just too much. I don’t know if the children are invited but as a bare minimum we would need to take the newborn and do I want to fly and drive with a baby and leaking breasts and wobbly postpartum gut for this purpose 2) I don’t really want DH leaving me for a weekend with 3 children of this age, and 3) am I just being a bitch because I don’t think this has been done in a nice/inclusive way that makes me want to put myself out? It all feels a bit mixed together

So I guess AIBU to feel they’ve handled this a little strangely and AIBU to not go/DH not go without me? A few questions (and maybe I’m unreasonable in several ways - it wouldn’t be the first time 😃)

@Sceptre86

Yes there’s something in the phrasing of the effort outlay that has struck a chord with me!

I'd far rather be at home alone with three children of those ages than take them to a wedding abroad. I am sure you'll muddle along fine if your DH goes (and I'd encourage him to go, as it's his friend). I did it, and didn't have any local family to call on!

Not a hope in hell I would be attending in your shoes. Wouldn’t be chuffed at dh going either but would cope if he wanted to go

@Dickopf

Thank you - that’s reassuring! And also @Passthebubbly thank you

The wedding set up doesn't sound great for a young family esp with a newborn so on that basis you are entitled to say. We love you etc but we just can't be there. We'd love to have a get together after the wedding.
The proposal sounds weird but it's their choice as is this second wedding away. I get that you feel left out but couples often do their wedding their way and don't think of it from their guests perspective. Don't think it means you aren't important. They just wanted to do it their way.
You are equally entitled not to drag yourself and your kids or sacrifice your husband for the wedding if you don't want to.
Personally, I wouldn't.

I absolutely would not have been happy being left alone 2 months pp with one small child let alone two. At that stage DH would be getting up with the older ones while I slept in to make up for a disturbed night. I don’t think anyone owes it to this friend to go. Destination weddings are selfish in my opinion and it would be entirely reasonable of your DH to decline

Couple of issues here. But YANBU.

1. You'll be newly PP with three young children. The logistics make it difficult. Reason enough to RSVP no.
2. You have no idea if the wedding is child-free/ logistics in general. Reason enough to RSVP no.
3. Your husband would rather not go alone/ unless pushed. Reason enough to RSVP no.
4. The wedding is abroad, meaning a multi-day trip and lots of money. Reason enough to RSVP no.

It seems like you're conflcited because they are good friends and you feel like you should make the effort despite all the above points. And you're concerned that you're not making the effort because of the way they married/ were not clear about what was happening etc. There may have been good reasons for that, or they good just be young/ bit useless at communications. I'd ignore your nagging doubt and look at the reasons above for why it would be expensive, difficult and perhaps not enjoyable to go. Maybe suggest a catch-up/ drinks back home when they return? And a card?

@DemBonesDemBones

Well you don't have to 'get it' do you? That's your choice. OP has already said she'd prefer to have DH home to support with 3 children and one so very young.

What I don't get is this competitive 'i can handle a gazillion children, why can't you? Mentality. Historically women haven't had a choice and men traditionally have often being quite honestly fucking useless in pulling their own weight. But it's not 1960 any more is it. We shouldn't be made to feel inadequate for wanting our husbands to do 50% of the parenting of their own children. Times have changed.

Being left with 3 children for a weekend, unless an emergency. No fucking chance. Its not about not being able to cope but rather choosing not to have an utterly exhausting and stressful weekend if you don't have to.

I find mumsnet very breezy about having kids alone. I would totally not cope with a 2/3 month old a 2 year and a 4 year old by myself! If you have babies that sleep well and are bottle fed then I think its manageable but if you have bad sleepers and you breastfeed then it's very hard...the amount of time per day that a 2 month old can breastfeed for is massive, and I found it really hard to be trying to cope with a cluster feeding newborn who couldn't be put down for 1.5 hours of the evening without screaming themselves sick, and a toddler who was too young to put themselves to bed yet. It was hell and I did it for the odd night, but 2/3 nights was tricky. Plus you dont know how you will be recovered from the birth or how your toddler will cope with the baby...I remember one night I had a 3 month old and a toddler and my husband went away and the toddler had some sleep regression in reaction to their new sibling. They tag teamed wake ups the whole night. I had two stints of half an hour sleep. I was a wreck and the thought of it still makes me want to cry.

It's ok not to want to do it alone for a few days in my opinion

I don’t think your being unreasonable to not want to go under the circumstances but I also wouldn’t stop my DP from going to a close friends wedding on the basis that I had to spend a weekend Alone at home with my kids.

Granted it IS hard with the ages you’ve got, I have down the two under two myself alone when DH working a lot and weekends away etc so I do understand.

But I also think friendships are important, this friend has been in his life a long time (probably) and no disrespect- a lot of friendships outlive relationships.
With this in mind I would not want to miss my friends wedding and therefore wouldn’t try and stop my DP under the same circs.

As for not telling anyone / change of plans. Maybe he did plan on proposing but whilst away they just went for it.
It’s fine for you to be a bit miffed at it all but ultimately it’s not your life, your relationship or even your friend.
Suck this one up and have a weekend with friends in a couple of years whilst Dp stays home!

No way would I go and I don't even have kids. They are taking the piss, they are already married! Why do they need a second wedding so soon? Or just looking for money/gifts?

Just say thanks for the invite, but no thanks, can't make it.

[quote Imsuretheresawittiername]@TotallyTS

Yes - that’s my concern exactly. I don’t want to make decisions that are petty but it’s quite hard to separate all the reasoning if you see what i mean. It’s quite hard this far ahead to know how things will be after the birth (so much always depends on the new baby, the way the birth has gone etc). Maybe I will be laughing that I thought it would be a problem.

It’s also term time and DS 4 will have started school so the option of making it a holiday etc isn’t very attractive.[/quote]
Just seen it’s term time as well. All the more reason to say no! Even if your DH goes without you will he be there and back while also managing school runs? It just sounds too much tbh

Thank you @Underfrighter and @Treacletoots

I do just think from an exhaustion point of view those 2-3 nights will be horrendous and not worth it for me personally (selfish, yes)

I'm always amazed by the confidence with which posters say "You'll be fine alone at home with a new born and 2 more small kids!" . How can anyone know this?!

I wouldn't be happy to be alone with three small kids including a new born - min were terrible sleepers and I needed to share the night waking and early starts with my husband. You wouldn't be at all unreasonable to tell your husband it would be a real struggle.

And as they're already married I think it would be fair enough to decline the invitation.

@Rumplestrumpet

I think it’s very hard for people to understand if they’ve had terrible sleepers but I’m with you! My biggest concern at the moment is how poorly my 2 sleep and how that will work with a newborn. I thought the 2 year old would be sleeping through or past 5 by now! Today he was up at 4.15. Im not sure how I would manage for 2-3 days/nights cluster feeding, waking up several times
To feed and then up at 4.15. I know I would have to in an emergency but this isn’t an emergency. I guess that answers my own question (but I’m so tired as I type this that maybe that’s guiding me!)

How they chose to get married is nobody’s business but theirs. I don’t think it’s that unusual to have a small wedding and then a celebration after. There is a lot of admin that sometimes makes it impossible to marry abroad (France for one). A lot of my friends have had a quick registry job for the legal aspect, then ‘married’ somewhere else and it certainly didn’t feel like it was any less of a wedding.

It’s their day and they shouldn’t have to take into account individual guests circumstances. If you want to go then do, if you don’t or can’t then don’t. It’s really that simple. Nobody is going to be offended and if they don’t have children themselves they might prefer you didn’t attend if you had to bring your children.

I don’t understand this obsession that the wedding couple has to make provisions and concessions for their guests individual needs. I’ve never known this in real life. We’ve turned down weddings with small children, and have gone to some where it was east to take them. Nobody has been bothered by this, and they probably wouldn’t be my friends if they did!!

@Qwill

Unless I’ve communicated myself poorly, I don’t expect them to make provisions for us whatsoever. That’s fine. We had a child free wedding, I totally understand people not wanting children there - I’ve attended other child free weddings, just not abroad and also 2-3 months postpartum! DH is his best friend though so it’s normal (IMO) for him to have had a discussion or thought about it in more of a “we understand this is a problem and you can’t come”, or any information whatsoever re the plans for children/no children/babes in arms. We put a lot of thought into people’s convenience for our wedding because we wanted people to have a nice time. DH spoke to a friend re the stag do (date is TBD) to explain that he wouldn’t be able to come if it was close to my due date so maybe they could factor that into planning the dates and they couldn’t understand what the problem was! None of them have children and it’s a bit like being in the twilight zone sometimes

I don’t think it’s that unusual to have a small wedding and then a celebration after

That’s absolutely not unusual - I used to live in another country and the Legal part and church were always on separate days. I do think it’s unusual to tell your friend you are going to propose, never mention it again but actually get married and then explain that’s what happened several months later!

But you can’t expect them to plan around one person? What if the other stags were on holiday one weekend etc? It’s so hard organising, it’s so much easier to just pick a date/activity/venue etc., and those who can make it do, those that don’t can decline.

Regardless of the background - and I do see where you're coming from - even if they'd done absolutely everything 'perfectly', I still wouldn't want to either take a newborn and two pre-schoolers abroad for a short holiday that wasn't completely tailored towards their needs (which a wedding can't be) or want my DH to go by himself.

I know a lot of mothers seem to cope terribly well with multiple young children by themselves for any length of time, but I definitely wasn't one of them. I could just about hold it together during the week with two under two, but only because I knew I had a break at the weekend (and by 'break', of course I just mean sharing the load); the thought of going from Monday to a week on Friday by myself would have tipped me over the edge.

In your situation, unless your DH was absolutely desperate to go, I'd just politely decline, with zero guilt.

I would also decline, my husband declined his best friend’s wedding in another country as I would have been a month post partum (baby came early so was at the time only two weeks). He didn’t want to leave us, and his best friend was absolutely fine about it. Same with another friend’s stag that was the week before. Nobody minded at all.

If your such good friends I don’t understand why you didn’t message to say hey how was the holiday, did they say yes? Or something to the effect. I can’t imagine just not asking anything about it
misses the point of the thread

@Qwill

Of course he doesnt expect anyone to plan around him! It’s more of just a “this is the time that doesn’t work for me” so they know he can’t attend if that’s when it is, and the “we don’t understand why that would be an issue to come then” response.

I do have a bit of insecurity around this though as none of his friends have children so don’t understand the obligations and I think they think I’m just being mean and saying no to some stuff. In theory I would love DH to go and have a magical time because he deserves a break etc. but in reality I think it would kill
Me 🤪

@PizzaPalaver

It was so odd that he didn’t update us, having messaged both to say “I’m proposing tonight” - we expected a message with a ring photo or something. Then I messaged the next day asking how the country was/how it was going and he sent back a muted response like “fine” so then we worried maybe she had said no and waited for him to tell us…and waited….and waited!

@MsVestibule

Thank you for this! And I know how you feel about the weekends