It’s a wedding one…

[Imsuretheresawittiername]

Feel quite conflicted about this (and conflicted about why I’m so annoyed about this). Will try to keep it brief/need opinions as not sure if AIBU (and if I care if I am)

DH best friend (let’s call him Sam) told us he was going abroad to propose to his gf. We love Sam and love his gf but he acts quite young and doesn’t have children yet so can suggest some pretty silly stuff (eg did we want to leave our 2 week old baby for a weekend away in the UK…). anyway we didn’t hear from him re the proposal and it was extremely awkward/didn’t know if she had maybe rejected him (it was sped along because of need for a VISA etc). We tried to ask indirectly but got no answers. Several months later we find out he actually got married out there and didn’t tell anyone. Quite an odd thing to do and then not share/has made it all quite awkward/haven’t been able to really congratulate them due to manner of information being relayed.

Anyway they are planning a wedding abroad in September. It’s in a tricky countryside in Europe, not easy to get to. We have a 2 and a 4 year old and we will have a 2/3 month old baby. AIBU to think 1) it’s just too much. I don’t know if the children are invited but as a bare minimum we would need to take the newborn and do I want to fly and drive with a baby and leaking breasts and wobbly postpartum gut for this purpose 2) I don’t really want DH leaving me for a weekend with 3 children of this age, and 3) am I just being a bitch because I don’t think this has been done in a nice/inclusive way that makes me want to put myself out? It all feels a bit mixed together

So I guess AIBU to feel they’ve handled this a little strangely and AIBU to not go/DH not go without me? A few questions (and maybe I’m unreasonable in several ways - it wouldn’t be the first time 😃)

@PizzaPalaver

In fact I just reread the messages I asked for an update and he sent such a strange message it was all just very very bizarre and not what anyone would say or expect in this sort of happy event! At least I have experienced with any of my many, many friends who have gotten engaged!

I think that it's ok to feel put out by the way your friend has handled this, he's a long standing friend and you naturally wanted a bit more excitement over his proposal and wedding but it's done now and you need to decide what to do over his second celebration .
You're quite reasonable to not go abroad with 3 little ones , if your husband wants to go can you get your mum / sister/friend to stay with you for a bit of help with the children ?
No one should expect you to be alone with 3 very small children for a whole weekend so soon after giving birth . Make the right choice for you and have a lovely weekend what ever you decide to do

@Starbonnet123

Thank you

OP,

I definitely wouldn't bring 3 children to a wedding, not a chance.

I think that your husband should not accept the invite until your baby has arrived.

Sam has every right to get married exactly as he pleases and you have every right to decline any invitation.

Sam has every right to get married exactly as he pleases and you have every right to decline any invitation

This. People have the right to have any wedding (or any other occasion) they choose but they can't then have a hissy fit when people decline the invitation as it doesn't suit their circumstances. If you want specific people to attend, you should make it possible for them to do so.

My DH would have been highly unlikely to attend a party wedding in these circumstances because it would have been really hard for me. I'm massively impressed by those who manage three tiny humans without batting an eyelid but I need my partner's support.

I personally wouldn't go, it doesn't sound enjoyable taking three kids or even just the baby. If dh really wanted to go I'd try to arrange help for the weekend but if he's not fussed I'd make apologies why put yourself through the grief.

Personally, I think when a couple decide to have their wedding abroad surely they're aware more people are likely to turn down the invitation. Finances, logistics etc - it's a bigger ask of people. Also, when the invitees have kids as young as yours are it's completely reasonable for them to not attend. Basically, you've got a double whammy - it's completely reasonable for you to decline.

Destination wedding = monumental expensive selfish ball ache.
Fake destination wedding = Fuck no

Neither of you should go. He is BVU to expect either of you to, given the number & ages of your DC.

They’re already married so I definitely wouldn’t put myself out to go to their fake wedding. I would not be too thrilled with my DH going without me, leaving me with 3 small children, either. What are your DH’s thoughts? Does he want to go?

Op are they in Germany?
I have heard its common for German couples to get married, then claim the tax breaks for married couples and then use that money to pay for the wedding months later. Maybe other countries are similar.

But I'd see if you could get a babysitter for the older kids and just take the baby.

Op are they in Germany?
I have heard its common for German couples to get married, then claim the tax breaks for married couples and then use that money to pay for the wedding months later. Maybe other countries are similar

No, they live in the UK but are getting married in the middle of nowhere in France

But I'd see if you could get a babysitter for the older kids and just take the baby

I don’t even know if the baby is allowed / I’ve asked Sam but no reply. I could potentially do this but I would only be comfortable leaving the children with one of our mothers, and it’s a big ask to expect anyone to wake up at 5am 2-3 days in a row (or 4am as happened today).

So it's a party as the wedding has already happened?

No chance would I be going abroad for that.

Fine for your husband to go alone if he wants imo.

If DH wants to go then he can take at least one of the DC. Preferably two.

It sounds an enormous faff and the martyrs/race to the bottom posters on this thread are eternally tiresome.

I have 5DC and understand the relentless shitty sleepers situation. It’s not worth it.

@Stath

If DH wants to go then he can take at least one of the DC. Preferably two

You’re selling me on this idea (it’s not a hard sell) 😂

[quote Imsuretheresawittiername]@Stath

If DH wants to go then he can take at least one of the DC. Preferably two

You’re selling me on this idea (it’s not a hard sell) 😂[/quote]
Perfect solution then!

He can go with the older two (he’ll obviously be fawned over as a ‘hero’ and ‘amazing dad’ for doing what women do every single bloody day) and you can have a lovely few days concentrating on the newborn and yourself (if that’s not an oxymoron).

You can do things on baby’s schedule and and spend plenty of time breastfeeding and napping with baby. You can sleep as much as possible when baby does and eat what you want.

DH will come back with, hopefully, an appreciation of you and you’ll have had some sleep with some precious bonding/recovery time. You’ll be super happy to see them all and it’ll hopefully see you through until the glorious day the kids sleep through until a decent time!

[quote Imsuretheresawittiername]@Stath

If DH wants to go then he can take at least one of the DC. Preferably two

You’re selling me on this idea (it’s not a hard sell) 😂[/quote]
Fingers crossed that they are invited!

Yanbu. My DH would not be going especially if I'd be at home looking after 2 pre schoolers and a newborn. Sack that!

Also yes, it's their business but I would think it odd if my friend did that.

He hasn’t even bothered replying to my message asking about the children - I guess this is what I mean about me feeling petty. I know some people will say 2 days is not long and not everyone replies etc but I think if you expect people to travel abroad for a wedding you need to answer these things as a courtesy and also he usually replies immediately

DH is a bit worried about him

@Imsuretheresawittiername

He hasn’t even bothered replying to my message asking about the children - I guess this is what I mean about me feeling petty. I know some people will say 2 days is not long and not everyone replies etc but I think if you expect people to travel abroad for a wedding you need to answer these things as a courtesy and also he usually replies immediately

DH is a bit worried about him

Well he’s obviously just going through the motions of inviting you. Like you mentioned, he’s oblivious/thick about how your life has changed now you have the logistics and care of DC.

If he honestly thought that you’d both leave a 2week old to go on a jolly then he’s not going to be helpful or aware of your situation with the wedding now!

Send a card and gift and use the cash you’d have spent on the wedding to pay for an afternoon babysitter to look after the eldest DC so you can get some sleep

When did you ask about the kids?

It's Easter weekend-maybe he's busy?

Why is your husband worried about him?

@Stath

You are full of only great ideas!!!

[quote Imsuretheresawittiername]@Stath

You are full of only great ideas!!![/quote]
why thank you!

Many years ago I did postnatal doula stuff. One of my favourite parts of the job was bunging baby in a sling (if baby wasn’t feeding/napping with mum) and making some dinner in the slow cooker for the family. The knackered mum would nap (always alert to her needing to have baby back for feed or cuddling) or a bath and I’d potter about whilst keeping toddlers occupied.

Mum was able to recharge, kids were entertained, baby was cuddled, dogs were walked, school run done and dinner made.

It was so lovely seeing the mum feeling slightly human again and she didn’t have to worry about the niggling shit work. She’d come down looking like a bloody queen (albeit in jamas) all ready to be with baby/kids and know everything and everyone was okay.

It’s what I wanted and needed when I had newborns and think it should be an NHS/government provided service for all new mothers which would definitely reduce PND and divorce rates!

Get that afternoon babysitting/mother’s help booked and plan on a few weekend naps!