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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really fed up with "accommodating" colleague

105 replies

Ceci03 · 13/04/2022 15:45

So for background - I've been having a problem with my manager being very inflexible around times etc. So today my colleague is in the office by herself - I would usually be in but have covid - and she works 8-4. I've been on email with her a lot of the day and she said she offered to stay until 5pm as "it's only an hour" and she has things to do. It's just pissing me off. As she knows my struggle with the manager, and she's making me look even worse by being so 'flexible' and the manager doesn't care, she just walks all over her and my colleague doesnt even see that. I mean, I've always been very flexible, and have stayed late, come in early, but when I asked for a small flexibility from the manager, she said no, and has been pretty mean about it, so I've started logging my hours, and requesting time off in lieu which I've never ever done before. Colleague knows all this. AH it just annoys me. She is obviously just 'sucking up' to the manager and it's none of my business. It's just when people do this, they make employees who are "just doing their job" look like they're not doing enough. Or something. Anyone else understand what I mean

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 13/04/2022 19:54

It's time to look for another job. You are clearly not happy.

YABU I'm afraid. Your colleague is not doing anything wrong and your anger is misdirected.

runsmidgeOMG · 13/04/2022 20:31

Op are you and your colleague in different stages of life? For example when I was newly qualified and child free I'd work all manner of hours, stay on late, come in early, cover on short notice etc because why not ? I was young, enthusiastic and needed the money.

Now I have DC I'm literally out the door at finish time (unless there's an emergency)
My career is second to being a Mum and work to live not live to work. I clearly haven't always been this way.

Give your colleague time and I'm sure she'll soon realise but I'm sure you won't be around to see that- best of luck with the call back :)

contrelamontre · 13/04/2022 20:50

The colleague works part time and has a toddler. Maybe she quite enjoys her time at work?

The OP is so self-centred she's decided the colleague, whom she once liked but has now 'wised up' to, has offered to stay one extra hour at work today just to spite the OP/in spite of the OP crying because she's not allowed to leave an hour early.

AnnoyingButLovelyDH · 13/04/2022 21:57

I'm one of those people you would call a doormat.

Except I'm not.

I am happy to work over hours sometimes. I like to do a bit more if I am busy.

It's none of your business how hard your colleague works. Maybe she wants to do.extra and doesn't feel a door mat.

Personally, I'd feel really pissed off if I was referred to as a doormat for doing what I wanted to do.

Being a 'doormat' in this situation, would be someone that stops doing what they want because you tell them to as you feel threatened by them and think they make you look bad.

Focus on yourself and leave others alone

Ceci03 · 13/04/2022 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

ineedsun · 13/04/2022 22:18

Why so unpleasant?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 13/04/2022 22:31

I had a manager who would actively compare people - like, so and so manages this so why cant you. I finally asked her why she felt it was helpful to bring this up, as everyone had different issues at different times. She backed down. She is the one you need to focus on, not the colleague. Even if she does want to get on, it probably is not anything to do with you.

user1471504747 · 13/04/2022 22:57

Your response to tokenginger is very unfair OP. Why does working extra mean the poster doesn’t have a life? Someone could say it’s a bit sad you spend so much time moaning about your colleagues on mumsnet and need to get a life.

If that is how the poster is happiest, and it works well for her and her team I don’t see why it’s an issue.

I personally find working a bit extra keeps my work life balance better and then I can just relax instead of stressing. What an extra bit of work here and there if it means I can just relax without a stress in the evenings and weekends?

TheGrinchsDog · 13/04/2022 22:57

@Ceci03 You are just being mean and not coming across at all well now.

TheGrinchsDog · 13/04/2022 23:00

And hypocritical since it's only very recently you've modified your work behaviour... which was very similar to that of your colleague and @TokenGinger

You're an angry person right now and you're firing off in all directions and at all the wrong people.

Good luck for your interview. Maybe you need a thread on de-stressing and coping techniques until you find a new job. Just getting increasingly frustrated at everyone around you is only going to end up a self destructive endeavour in the end.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 13/04/2022 23:57

Plus, on the flip side, if someone is willing to go the extra mile or put in extra effort, why should they not be rewarded? How demotivating is it to see people who do the bare minimum demand equal treatment with those who perform better. To be clear, i am not talking about people who do a great job but whose life means they have less flexibility than those without so many commitments. But working in public services I have seen plenty of people who coast along but are very vocal about getting opportunities which is horrible for those who really do want to get on because they have merit.

Heartbroken2007 · 14/04/2022 02:11

Like so many PP maybe she's accommodating because she enjoys her job or that works for her?

Everyone is different - I have always worked over Xmas because it's a hard time for me family wise. It's not about making other people look bad, I enjoy having some to focus on and knowing my colleagues with little ones can relax knowing their work is covered.

There could be lots of reasons she works as she does and frankly if it saves you time that's fab. Have you tried getting to know her as a person - maybe a coffee and chat would make you both feel better?

TokenGinger · 14/04/2022 07:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted as it quotes a deleted post.

TokenGinger · 14/04/2022 07:04

I can't help but laugh at the irony of you suggesting I get a life, when you've taken time out of your life to^^ complain about work Grin

At least my work doesn't leave me with the ill feelings you have to the point you need to take time out of your life to write and complain about it.

I know which I'd prefer out of the two.

justfiveminutes · 14/04/2022 07:16

I remember your last thread. Aren't there three people working 8-4 and three people working 9-5? Your shift is 9-5 but you are often there at 8 (something about free parking) so asked if you could change your hours to 8-4 and your manager said no?

Loads of people gave you advice on why she might not be able to accommodate your request but sounds like you're still sulking about it. I think your employer will be very pleased if you get the other job.

Chewbecca · 14/04/2022 08:23

One thing you can be sure of is that if any promotion opportunities arise in your company, your colleague is going to have a good chance.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 14/04/2022 08:56

[quote TokenGinger]@Ceci03

A bit sad really - get a life maybe??

Haha. I've got a great life, thank you, funded by my very well paid job that I enjoy every single day and brings me great job satisfaction, and the flexibility to maintain a good work-life balance. It takes me all of five minutes to have a quick look at emails on my phone. It's the same as scanning through mumsnet for me.

I have a great employer. They pay me well. I have a fantastic pension. Above average holiday allowance. Flexi time. I work compressed hours to help with childcare. My boss is accommodating of me logging out for 20 mins each morning to drop DS at nursery.

I get SO much out of them to enable me to maintain a good work-life balance, to enable me to have good quality time with my son and also reduce nursery fees, that I'm willing to give flexibility back in abundance without it impacting on my personal life.

It's a two-way street, for me. [/quote]
This reminds me of other jobs I have been in... But just imagine for a second that your boss is not flexible, and doesnt allow you to log out to drop your LO to nursery, who doesnt pay you well. At the last ''forum' for the whole company that we had, the top boss said he didn't care if employees didn't like arrangments re wfh, or flexi working, because if they didn't like it, they could go somewhere else. Think about that attitude trickling down to petty people like my manager.

Imagine that you worked very flexibly for 2 years, with nothing in return.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 14/04/2022 08:59

@Chewbecca

One thing you can be sure of is that if any promotion opportunities arise in your company, your colleague is going to have a good chance.
Nah it doesn't work like that where I work. I've come to realise that in the 2 years I've been there. See, the thing is, nobody else sees what my colleague does extra, except me and the manager, and she would never give credit for that, because as she said to me, she only expects us to work our "contracted hours" . I said to her about all the times I'd logged on early, or worked late, and she said she never asked me to do that, and if I was having problems getting my work done within the 'contractural hours' then she would need to look at my workload.
OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 14/04/2022 09:01

When it's not a two-way street it sucks. To me anyway.

Waiting to hear about job interview, but from reading these comments I have little chance of getting it, as most people on here seem to think I'm the worst employye ever!

OP posts:
TheGrinchsDog · 14/04/2022 13:07

Listen @Ceci03 in the nicest possible way (for saying something not nice at all) grow up! You are being ridiculous and petty now.

I don't think that is who you are.
In your first thread you came across as a kind and decent person who was being taken advantage of. I know it's fucking frustrating and soul destroying to work for managers like you have got but do you really want to be petty and small just like them? Play favourites and not care about demolishing someone who didn't deserve it? I really doubt it!

But you are letting your anger get ahead of you and it's making you mean and angry at all the wrong people.

Stop it! Go back to being a decent person but this time just don't allow your employers to walk all over you, find a new job somewhere they treat people fairly and your contributions and you will be appreciated.

TokenGinger · 14/04/2022 13:23

@Ceci03

This reminds me of other jobs I have been in... But just imagine for a second that your boss is not flexible, and doesnt allow you to log out to drop your LO to nursery, who doesnt pay you well. At the last ''forum' for the whole company that we had, the top boss said he didn't care if employees didn't like arrangments re wfh, or flexi working, because if they didn't like it, they could go somewhere else. Think about that attitude trickling down to petty people like my manager.

Imagine that you worked very flexibly for 2 years, with nothing in return.

I completely get it. It sounds shit to be honest but I'd be mad at your management rather than your colleague. I'd hate to work somewhere that's so inflexible and I can imagine I'd give them less flexibility, too.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 14/04/2022 13:39

Yeah it's not that easy to get another job though is it. Especially considering I'm the worst employee ever according to this thread. Maybe you get what you deserve and this is what I deserve, a shitty job, for a shit employee right. Don't worry I don't say any of this to anyone at work, but keep my head down, smile, do my work and go home.

OP posts:
TheGrinchsDog · 14/04/2022 13:51

No getting another job can be really, really hard! I get that.

You are being a bit ridiculous though. Wallowing now. You know you aren't the worst employee ever. You know that but you are angry (rightly at your situation and manager) but you are letting it infect all facets of life now. Otherwise shitty comments like that from strangers on the internet would be a lot easier to brush off.

I do have sympathy for you, I really do. The thing is though that even if you aren't saying any of it out loud at work, even if you smile through the day etc, it's causing you harm on the inside.

Just look at this thread as proof of that. You are ascribing really nasty reasoning behind your colleagues work ethic when until the other week you were doing the exact same thing pretty much.

Add to that the fact you have been really horrible here to other posters who haven't been horrible to you.

You either need to go and talk this out with a therapist or find a way to cope. You run the risk of working your understandable and fairly righteous anger into something explosive and abusive.

I actually think you are probably a decent person pushed to your limit so I don't think you want to be like this really.

Please try and find better coping mechanisms than paranoia and lashing out.

Herejustforthisone · 14/04/2022 13:55

Some of the OP’s responses are skewed. I can’t understand getting pissy when the colleague offered to do the last hour for her. To me, that’s just a woman trying to solve another woman’s problems in the short term to be helpful. I don’t understand the anger towards that particular incident.

It’s mismanagement, but the resultant anger is totally misplaced.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 15/04/2022 05:36

Some people throw themselves into work because they enjoy it and don’t have much of a life outside it. Work may have become all encompassing, her only place of achievement, her entire social network.

Is she fairly young?

Pre kids I was a bit like her, staying late, arriving early, taking on extra work to fill my time. It gave me a sense of accomplishment. Far better than sitting alone in my cold, empty flat! It didn’t make me popular (apart from with managers) but I prided myself on being highly efficient and good at my job.

Nowadays, with kids and a DH, in a different job in a different area, I’m the inflexible one who has to leave in time for school pick up and take random days off when DC are ill or childcare fails. I have a colleague like yours and honestly I’m just grateful she’s there to pick up the slack and seems to enjoy being busy. That was me once!

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