Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ignore MIL texts

82 replies

flowerydress · 13/04/2022 07:16

Yes I'm afraid it's a MIL one but imo it's more of a terrible dh one too. Sorry it's long. Maybe just because I need to get things off my chest a bit.

Since I met dh I have been responsible for all birthdays Christmas etc in his family.
Last year I felt he as a grown adult could possibly lift a finger. But when push came to shove he forgot to send his mum a birthday card so I end up doing it albeit late.
I'm lucky if I hear from his family. No one ever asks about our dc. Not even to dh.

If his siblings need anything because they've run out of money we help. We have given things to MIL that would have helped us too but wanted to be nice but she acts like it never happened.

We always seem to be doing all the helping and giving. Anyway, his mum used to text me alone and sort things like when we'd see her or dh birthday and she said she was going to ask dh. I said she'd be lucky if her son got back to her because he's so lazy.

Since i said this, and maybe to her credit, she's set up a group chat with me and dh to involve him (personally I think she wanted to prove something when I called her son lazy). In the group chat she's now asked if we are we coming to see her for Easter. I don't like going to her. Every time we go we buy lunch for her. Every time she comes to us we buy food. Again seems we do all the giving and she never returns any of it. She has a lot of money and it all annoys me so much. I find it rude.

She's never once offered even a snack when we're there but we'll get a cup of tea. She has offered a cheese sandwich for dc though. But made me make the sandwich while there 😂

Aibu to leave dh to text back? I'm feeling awkward but I think this is finally the time where it's up to him to sort these things out, I've got enough in my own plate.
MIL set this group chat up I'm sure in the hope he gets back to her and I think I'm going to sit back and stay out of it. Personally I wish she'd just text him and am wondering if I am just the backup plan if she doesn't text back here.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/04/2022 07:20

Why don’t you reply and say you weren’t planning to visit?

ButtOutBobsMum · 13/04/2022 07:20

If it's WhatsApp or Facebook messenger you could just leave the chat then it would be just him and her!

iheartmybeachhut · 13/04/2022 07:21

Stop doing dh's life admin! It's his dm and not your fault if he's lazy. She needs to take it up with him and I would tell her so. So she doesn't get a birthday card from him ? Not your problem.
Def step back from feeding and hosting her too!

NameGoesHere · 13/04/2022 07:22

Stop giving hand outs!

BitOutOfPractice · 13/04/2022 07:23

Leave the WhatsApp group.

1ittlegreen · 13/04/2022 07:25

I would do what makes you happy OP, if that means not replying then so be it. The longer you leave it the closer Easter will get and the more it will force DP into action.

Perhaps he could suggest an Easter meet up somewhere where you bring your own picnic?

Isthisit22 · 13/04/2022 07:25

Leave the group chat. Let him be an adult. If he forgets his own mother's birthday then don't rush in and save him by sending a card next time.
Got a feeling the MIL is the least of your problems- focus on your relationship.

MichelleScarn · 13/04/2022 07:28

What does he do for your family? His sound like leeches!

Briony123 · 13/04/2022 07:29

Of course you ignore the texts and if course you stop sending birthday cards/gifts to someone else's relatives. Mad behaviour.

Iamnotamermaid · 13/04/2022 07:30

Ask dh to decline his dm invite to go round at Easter. He will be expecting you to do this as that is how it has worked in the past.

Otherwise ignore...and prove your point to mil. Grin

picklemewalnuts · 13/04/2022 07:30

Be aware that if you leave it to him entirely, it's likely to be something you don't want- taking her out for dinner etc.

So you need to decide what you want, then tell him to arrange it!

Ponoka7 · 13/04/2022 07:30

Don't the children have a relationship with her? Don't you help them to make cards for people? Other than that, I agree that it's upto him. You shouldn't have put yourself in the group, it was shifting it into you. When you tackle him about it, what does he say? Was she a good Mum? It seems very cold on his part.

Summerofcontent · 13/04/2022 07:34

I would see a chat like this as a conversation between the two of them that I was listening to so I knew what was going on.

I wouldn't see it as something I should participate in

Trulyweird1 · 13/04/2022 07:34

I am in a similar position, and reached my limit a couple of years ago.

I ignore MIL phone messages, unless it is an emergency, and I am choosing not to facilitate an Easter get together with DHs family, which is apparently my role.

My DH is lovely to me , gets on well with my family and is happy to help, but his own family have a one-way traffic approach and I am done.

ImAvingOops · 13/04/2022 07:36

I wouldn't leave the group chat. You don't want your dh to agreeing to plans that you have no idea about. But I'd definitely stop replying to those messages. Paying for everything all the time and lending money to his siblings (unless they pay you back) is madness and you ought to put a stop to that right now unless you and dh have separate finances and it's only his discretionary spending that's being used. Don't give away things that you would like to keep just to be 'nice'. They are entitled to exactly the same consideration that they give you! The only niceness you owe your in-laws is to be polite when you see them. Everything else is on your dh and you know this really.

flowerydress · 13/04/2022 07:36

MIL rarely asks after the dc. They have made cards I have posted them. If we don't post them we try to FaceTime and show me but she's not interested. That's up to her. She is interested in the other gc but doesn't tell us that. We find out from the other gc. I can't remember the last time she asked after our dc. She does text me to ask after dh though.

I have asked dh to text her back every day. I am holding out replying because I think it's time he sorted his family out. I have my own things to sort out. If his family treated me well I'd personally want to. But they don't, so it's just another chore on my list that I feel dh should be helping with.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/04/2022 07:36

I don’t understand why you’re doing everything for him; stop buying presents- they’re his parents! Don’t ask them over either. Stop being a mug

flowerydress · 13/04/2022 07:38

@Shoxfordian thank you. Honestly I think I just need to know I'm being a mug. I was raised to be subservient to all others and have continued this. But I'm finally getting fed up with it. And I also blame dh as I think he's holding out to ensure I continue sorting his stuff out for him.

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 13/04/2022 07:39

[quote flowerydress]@Shoxfordian thank you. Honestly I think I just need to know I'm being a mug. I was raised to be subservient to all others and have continued this. But I'm finally getting fed up with it. And I also blame dh as I think he's holding out to ensure I continue sorting his stuff out for him.[/quote]
It's your DH you need to deal with, he doesn't respect you, so why would he expect his mother to respect you?

girlmom21 · 13/04/2022 07:42

Going against the grain, I think it's incredibly rude to ignore her messages when she's done nothing wrong, but there's no issue with you responding to say "Great idea. I'm a bit busy at the moment so I'll leave you two to sort the finer details. Hopefully see you then Smile"

That way you're not ignoring her but you're not taking on any responsibility either.

CheshireDing · 13/04/2022 07:45

Why did you just started taking on the jobs for birthdays etc just because you married him? I really don’t understand why women do that.

They don’t get cards, so what, not your problem. She doesn’t get a response from her Son, so what, not your problem.

As others have said leave the chat, problem solved.

It sounds like when people post about doing all the arranging with their friends, then when they stop arranging stuff their friends don’t contact them. I bet that happens here OP but it’s not for you to facilitate constantly

PizzaPalaver · 13/04/2022 07:47

^this

PizzaPalaver · 13/04/2022 07:47

Is this the only thing your dh is useless at though?

lemongreentea · 13/04/2022 07:48

Stop doing all this for your husband and let me grow up and do his own life admin.

Chloemol · 13/04/2022 07:48

Just leave it for dh to deal with. Don’t chase him,,

Mute the chat if you didn’t want to leave

Swipe left for the next trending thread