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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ignore MIL texts

82 replies

flowerydress · 13/04/2022 07:16

Yes I'm afraid it's a MIL one but imo it's more of a terrible dh one too. Sorry it's long. Maybe just because I need to get things off my chest a bit.

Since I met dh I have been responsible for all birthdays Christmas etc in his family.
Last year I felt he as a grown adult could possibly lift a finger. But when push came to shove he forgot to send his mum a birthday card so I end up doing it albeit late.
I'm lucky if I hear from his family. No one ever asks about our dc. Not even to dh.

If his siblings need anything because they've run out of money we help. We have given things to MIL that would have helped us too but wanted to be nice but she acts like it never happened.

We always seem to be doing all the helping and giving. Anyway, his mum used to text me alone and sort things like when we'd see her or dh birthday and she said she was going to ask dh. I said she'd be lucky if her son got back to her because he's so lazy.

Since i said this, and maybe to her credit, she's set up a group chat with me and dh to involve him (personally I think she wanted to prove something when I called her son lazy). In the group chat she's now asked if we are we coming to see her for Easter. I don't like going to her. Every time we go we buy lunch for her. Every time she comes to us we buy food. Again seems we do all the giving and she never returns any of it. She has a lot of money and it all annoys me so much. I find it rude.

She's never once offered even a snack when we're there but we'll get a cup of tea. She has offered a cheese sandwich for dc though. But made me make the sandwich while there 😂

Aibu to leave dh to text back? I'm feeling awkward but I think this is finally the time where it's up to him to sort these things out, I've got enough in my own plate.
MIL set this group chat up I'm sure in the hope he gets back to her and I think I'm going to sit back and stay out of it. Personally I wish she'd just text him and am wondering if I am just the backup plan if she doesn't text back here.

OP posts:

Wren44 · 13/04/2022 07:49

You are not his secretary. Step back and let him sort things out

What are you worried about? Looking bad in your mils eyes? All this endless effort, so far, and she still doesn’t seem to appreciate you and everything that you are doing. You have so many more things to think about.

It sounds like whatever you do this woman will carry on behaving the way she always has. Just tell your husband to deal with her. He can do it, he’s an adult that needs to take this burden off of you. And remember that if there is something that you really don’t want to do or do not agree with, you can say no.

Chloemol · 13/04/2022 07:49

@girlmom21

Going against the grain, I think it's incredibly rude to ignore her messages when she's done nothing wrong, but there's no issue with you responding to say "Great idea. I'm a bit busy at the moment so I'll leave you two to sort the finer details. Hopefully see you then

That way you're not ignoring her but you're not taking on any responsibility either.

Why is it rude for the op to ignore the message, but not the woman’s own son?

He is just as capable of answering his mother

girlmom21 · 13/04/2022 07:50

@Chloemol where did I say he wasn't being rude?

Original poster

flowerydress · 13/04/2022 07:50

Dh won't stand up to her. He's too scared. Another reason I don't like going to her anyway because she is rude to me and he pretends he can't see it, or can't see it but it's obvious. She did get caught out once when he was in the same room but round a corner and she thought he'd gone outside and was rude to me and he heard.
But then this all falls back into place and carries on as is.

She sends me reminders for everyone in dh families birthdays as well. But no one in his family remembers mine, she does send something tbf. I wonder if she even bothers reminder anyone else of mine though. I think I am actually being used by them all.

Yes @Wren44 I'm worried what she'll think of me not because of some but because I worry she'll use it as another reason to say she doesn't like me which I don't think she does because she also extends this to my dc too.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 13/04/2022 07:53

[quote flowerydress]@Shoxfordian thank you. Honestly I think I just need to know I'm being a mug. I was raised to be subservient to all others and have continued this. But I'm finally getting fed up with it. And I also blame dh as I think he's holding out to ensure I continue sorting his stuff out for him.[/quote]
Has it not occurred to you that your bloke has got the measure of his family and is waiting to see when your lightbulb goes on about them?

Just stop, he's not arsed and probably for good reason.

Shoxfordian · 13/04/2022 07:55

Does your dh buy you any presents or is it just his family he’s rubbish at? Take a step back, mute the WhatsApp, his family is his issue not yours

Original poster

flowerydress · 13/04/2022 07:58

@gamerchick I'm not sure. He does involve himself in what I buy for MIL for example as a birthday present and he has never expressed for me to not get them anything.
I've always helped family so have extended this to his family but obviously it's not working out for me.

@Shoxfordian no he doesn't buy me presents. He is useless all round, hence why I said to his mum he's too lazy to reply. He is.

OP posts:

Heronwatcher · 13/04/2022 07:59

Yes you are being a mug. Stop buying the cards and getting your kids to do them. I genuinely don’t know the birthday of any of my partner’s family and have no intention of adding this to my life admin. It’s quite simply not my job. If he forgets then so be it- that’s between them. If you don’t want to go somewhere or lend money/ buy food, don’t do it and make other plans.

C8H10N4O2 · 13/04/2022 07:59

@Ponoka7

Don't the children have a relationship with her? Don't you help them to make cards for people? Other than that, I agree that it's upto him. You shouldn't have put yourself in the group, it was shifting it into you. When you tackle him about it, what does he say? Was she a good Mum? It seems very cold on his part.

Why is it automatically the mother's job to facilitate the DC relations with their father's family? Does he have no responsibility here? Similarly what stops fathers helping their children make cards etc - many manage it without their balls dropping off.

The op didn't put herself in the group - from the OP:
she's set up a group chat with me and dh to involve him

I'd say gamerchick is probably right and he has the measure of his own family.

The OP should simply leave them to get on with it and let her DH decide if he wants to communicate with them or remember their birthdays.

2DogsOnMySofa · 13/04/2022 08:00

Don't keep reminding him, just say 'this is the last time I'm mentioning it, but don't forget to text your dm back' then leave it. The same for cards. He knows when it's his dm birthday so leave him to it, if she asks for money, that's on him too, although I'd be saying I do t want him to give her any.

Doona · 13/04/2022 08:01

If my sons grow up and can't be bothered acknowledging my birthday and leave their partners to do it, I will not be okay. Its not as if a card from these future women counts as one from them.

FinnRussell · 13/04/2022 08:03

My MIL is like this. I have done all the in-law admin you do. For my MIL she comes to me because she sees it all as wifework. It's not personal. I have become a bit fed up of doing all the wifework around my in-laws so now hold off making any arrangements. If my DH makes arrangements that don't suit me, I don't go. I make him do all cards etc now, i don't think MIL got a Mother's Day card but that's not my problem (she got flowers I think but she's a big card fan).

ChiswickFlo · 13/04/2022 08:08

You have a huge dh problem
Leave the chat
I sincerely hope you don't get your dh gifts as he doesn't bother with you?
Christ, the behaviour some women put up with 🙄

Original poster

flowerydress · 13/04/2022 08:12

@C8H10N4O2 thank you. That's where I'm coming from. If dh doesn't want to do it then it's not down to me.
If I leave the chat will she be able to see? (I'd like her to do she knows I'm leaving them to it)

OP posts:

Original poster

flowerydress · 13/04/2022 08:12

It's not WhatsApp it's imessage

OP posts:

Bunnybingesoneggs · 13/04/2022 08:13

My ils never had my mobile number.. Made for a much less stressful life.
Let your phone die for a few hours /days. Or forward all texts to dh and disengage...

newbiename · 13/04/2022 08:13

Make a list of things you do for his family.
Sit him down with it and say 'I'm not going to do any of these things anymore'
If she doesn't get a card - tough.

ChiswickFlo · 13/04/2022 08:14

Yes she'll see you've left

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 13/04/2022 08:17

*@lemongreentea

Stop doing all this for your husband and let me grow up and do his own life admin*

This.

Just stop being an unpaid secretary OP and stop it now !

HELLITHURT · 13/04/2022 08:19

[quote flowerydress]@C8H10N4O2 thank you. That's where I'm coming from. If dh doesn't want to do it then it's not down to me.
If I leave the chat will she be able to see? (I'd like her to do she knows I'm leaving them to it) [/quote]
Well tell her you're leaving then! If you want her to know!

Hi MIL, leaving you abs DH to have some valuable time to intersect together. I'll see you when you've both made arrangements and I'm able to come to them.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/04/2022 08:23

My advice - mute the chat for 1 year (you can mute WhatsApp chats for a week, a month or a year). Don't leave the chat. Just don't participate in the chat.
Then leave his family up to him. If his way of 'dealing' with his family is to retreat and go silent, then you do the same. You might see it as 'being lazy' but he might be trying to deal with his family in the only way he knows how to - by going quiet and doing nothing.

Stop doing the birthdays/anniversaries/whatever for his side of the family because you don't have to.

Start by trying to get some therapy for your DH so that he can begin to see that his family aren't treating him with respect and he doesn't have to take it.

Start spending time together and enjoying each other's company and the company of your kids before you lose this time completely.

PrincessPaws · 13/04/2022 08:34

@flowerydress

Dh won't stand up to her. He's too scared. Another reason I don't like going to her anyway because she is rude to me and he pretends he can't see it, or can't see it but it's obvious. She did get caught out once when he was in the same room but round a corner and she thought he'd gone outside and was rude to me and he heard. But then this all falls back into place and carries on as is.

Yes @Wren44 I'm worried what she'll think of me not because of some but because I worry she'll use it as another reason to say she doesn't like me which I don't think she does because she also extends this to my dc too.

Next reminder she sends, send a response along the lines of 'Hi MIL, thanks but we have decided that we will each be entirely responsible for cards/presents for our own sides of the family, so if you want to remind anyone it should be DH. Have a great day'

IAMGE · 13/04/2022 08:37

@BitOutOfPractice

Leave the WhatsApp group.

This. Why do you have to go let your DH take the kids - they won’t starve.

I’m far more confrontational though and I would explain why - say you are not the personal assistant of your DH and he needs to step up with cards and organise his own visits and then I’d leave the group chat!

rookiemere · 13/04/2022 08:42

It's a text so OP can't mute it.

I'd just advise ignoring it totally OP and your DH either responds or he doesn't.
If you want to avoid confrontation say that most of your messages come through WhatsApp these days and you didn't see it.

Mix56 · 13/04/2022 08:43

You say to your H.
"I am not replying to your mother, Easter is in 4 days, YOU are responsible for YOUR Mother, so deal with it.
I will not be taking responsibility

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