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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ignore MIL texts

82 replies

flowerydress · 13/04/2022 07:16

Yes I'm afraid it's a MIL one but imo it's more of a terrible dh one too. Sorry it's long. Maybe just because I need to get things off my chest a bit.

Since I met dh I have been responsible for all birthdays Christmas etc in his family.
Last year I felt he as a grown adult could possibly lift a finger. But when push came to shove he forgot to send his mum a birthday card so I end up doing it albeit late.
I'm lucky if I hear from his family. No one ever asks about our dc. Not even to dh.

If his siblings need anything because they've run out of money we help. We have given things to MIL that would have helped us too but wanted to be nice but she acts like it never happened.

We always seem to be doing all the helping and giving. Anyway, his mum used to text me alone and sort things like when we'd see her or dh birthday and she said she was going to ask dh. I said she'd be lucky if her son got back to her because he's so lazy.

Since i said this, and maybe to her credit, she's set up a group chat with me and dh to involve him (personally I think she wanted to prove something when I called her son lazy). In the group chat she's now asked if we are we coming to see her for Easter. I don't like going to her. Every time we go we buy lunch for her. Every time she comes to us we buy food. Again seems we do all the giving and she never returns any of it. She has a lot of money and it all annoys me so much. I find it rude.

She's never once offered even a snack when we're there but we'll get a cup of tea. She has offered a cheese sandwich for dc though. But made me make the sandwich while there 😂

Aibu to leave dh to text back? I'm feeling awkward but I think this is finally the time where it's up to him to sort these things out, I've got enough in my own plate.
MIL set this group chat up I'm sure in the hope he gets back to her and I think I'm going to sit back and stay out of it. Personally I wish she'd just text him and am wondering if I am just the backup plan if she doesn't text back here.

OP posts:

Charles11 · 13/04/2022 08:47

As she sends you birthday gifts, I’d carry on with birthday gifts to her but forget the rest of the family. They don’t remember you, so you don’t need to feel guilty about that.

Don’t bother visiting seeing as it seems it’s so you can pay for everything. The invitation is for you too so you can reply and say sorry you’re unavailable. If your dh wants to go, he can.

Yellownightmare · 13/04/2022 08:51

One thing you could do, if you don't want to ignore her, is to ask her what she has in mind for you all to do. It might at least put her on the spot!

TempName01 · 13/04/2022 08:52

I would probably just reply ‘happy for you two to arrange something, hope you are well’. Don’t remind DH again, just forget about it and leave them to it.

1000yardstare · 13/04/2022 08:54

Drop the rope. Teach your DC that people who are only interested in one way transactions are not worth the effort by showing them. Tell 'D'H that he needs to sort everything including future care commitments and his inheritance future proofing. Not. Your. Job.

timeisnotaline · 13/04/2022 08:56

You don’t want to go, so plan what you do want to do, tell Dh, and leave it to him to tell his mum. If he doesn’t, that’s hardly your fault.

ManateeFair · 13/04/2022 08:57

I said she'd be lucky if her son got back to her because he's so lazy

I would quite like to hear MIL’s side of all this. Basically, when you met your DH you started dealing with all the arrangements, instead of leaving him to do it. (Presumably he didn’t actually ask you to do that - you just took on the task because you thought he wouldn’t do it and for some reason couldn’t just leave him to make his own mistakes as he presumably did before he met you). If you have always been the one to make the arrangements, how is your MIL meant to know that you massively resent it? From her point of view she’s just contacting you as she has always done, unaware that you didn’t like this, and suddenly got an arsey reply slagging off her son.

She’s still taken that on board and has started a group chat for the three of you. By all means let your DH do the replying, but tell him clearly that you won’t be dealing with the arrangements from now on because if you’ve always done it he will assume that you’re fine with it and will continue. Of course he should be happy to deal with his mum, but it sounds like you’re addressing this in a way that’s quite passive-aggressive and petty.

Basically the problem here in this particular instance is you and your DH and your MIL has become a sort of bargaining chip in that. She well be a complete pain in the arse, but it’s not fair to make her some kind of point-scoring device here.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 13/04/2022 08:57

@Shoxfordian

I don’t understand why you’re doing everything for him; stop buying presents- they’re his parents! Don’t ask them over either. Stop being a mug

This. Come on OP you should have started as you meant to go on or failing that, as soon as you saw the pattern, dropped the rope. Stop being the doormat.

CuddlyCactus · 13/04/2022 09:00

Why did you just started taking on the jobs for birthdays etc just because you married him? I really don’t understand why women do that

This^. It's his own family!
Bizarre. What did he do before you got married?

Hollywolly1 · 13/04/2022 09:03

@flowerydress

Dh won't stand up to her. He's too scared. Another reason I don't like going to her anyway because she is rude to me and he pretends he can't see it, or can't see it but it's obvious. She did get caught out once when he was in the same room but round a corner and she thought he'd gone outside and was rude to me and he heard. But then this all falls back into place and carries on as is.

She sends me reminders for everyone in dh families birthdays as well. But no one in his family remembers mine, she does send something tbf. I wonder if she even bothers reminder anyone else of mine though. I think I am actually being used by them all.

Yes @Wren44 I'm worried what she'll think of me not because of some but because I worry she'll use it as another reason to say she doesn't like me which I don't think she does because she also extends this to my dc too.

You seem kind but you need to just stop,she's not even nice to you none of them are

theresapossuminthekitchen · 13/04/2022 09:04

My mother was the one who wrote to my paternal grandmother, arranged visits, etc. because my dad just didn't see the need, I think. (He is quite self-centred and seems incapable of empathy!) My grandmother was apparently very hurt by his lack of care (understandably) and, although it shouldn't have been my mum's job, my mum couldn't stand by and see her suffer. The difference is, my grandmother was loving and grateful and had a good relationship with my mum. Sadly, she died young - my dad was only 28 and his dad had also died the year before. It's the only time my mum has seen him cry - he was profoundly affected by losing his mother but it was so sad that he hadn't made any effort to keep a relationship with her while she was alive. In one of the last letters he had from her, she had written how sad she was not to hear from him more.

OP, in your case, your MiL treats you poorly and it is definitely not your job to facilitate the relationship. I would leave it to him. It may, eventually make him step up and build a relationship that avoids the regret my dad experienced. Or it won't, and that's still not your problem. He may have good reasons not to be that bothered.

theresapossuminthekitchen · 13/04/2022 09:05

@Doona

If my sons grow up and can't be bothered acknowledging my birthday and leave their partners to do it, I will not be okay. Its not as if a card from these future women counts as one from them.

Agreed. Although, I suppose OP gets him to sign it so she thinks she's been getting a card for him all these years.

Awrite · 13/04/2022 09:17

Christ, you've accepted some really shitty behaviour here. Not just from in-laws but from your own husband.

And, you are worried about what they think of you. Why?

Stop engaging. Stop visiting. Stop helping.

Refer all attempts at above to your dh.

Beautiful3 · 13/04/2022 09:18

I was you. I stopped because I realised that none of them sent me birthday cards for 3 years. So I just stopped sending the adults, only the children's. My husband would gasp, "didn't you send x a card?" I'd say, nope, they're your family and they don't bother sending me one! After a year of him posting belated birthday cards, he finally knows how to do it! I bought a pack of cards from amazon and a book of stamps, he knows where they are!

MinnieGirl · 13/04/2022 09:28

@Charles11

As she sends you birthday gifts, I’d carry on with birthday gifts to her but forget the rest of the family. They don’t remember you, so you don’t need to feel guilty about that.

Don’t bother visiting seeing as it seems it’s so you can pay for everything. The invitation is for you too so you can reply and say sorry you’re unavailable. If your dh wants to go, he can.

Totally agree with this. Send her a birthday gift that’s fair enough, but not anyone else. And if she says anything, you say I’m leaving DH to deal with his family and I deal with mine.

You can invite her to yours if you want but I would not be going to hers if I had to provide the food and didn’t even get offered a biscuit!

As for your DH not buying you a present…. Tell him you will buy your own present and you want £xxxx and make it a decent sum to cover his laziness

PostingForTrafficz · 13/04/2022 09:31

Why are you still with your husband?? Seriously. Get rid of him and his whole family. He doesnt even buy you a birthday present? Wtf.

awkwardintrovert10 · 13/04/2022 10:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

flowerydress · 13/04/2022 13:12

I've said to dh he can sort it out. I will let him sort it. leave the chat and get on with my own life. It's hard to see everything clearly when things like this go on for years over a decade.

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 13/04/2022 15:11

Stay strong, @flowerydress. I dare say your husband will still, even after your conversation, still really be expecting you to carry on as before - don't weaken and, above all - feel no guilt.

I also agree with the poster who suggesting buying your own gift with money from him. I'm afraid he's not just lazy - he sounds uncaring as well. 🌹

ForeverSingle881 · 13/04/2022 16:19

Why do you care? Genuinely? You don't like this person. She does nothing for you. She is a burden. She's not even nice company. Why the fuck do you care what she thinks of you? Why do you think you owe her a response? What's the worst that will happen if neither you or DH reply?

Whatinthelord · 13/04/2022 16:27

Op, I mean this in the kindest way but…..your making life hard for yourself. I mean MIL and DH are out of order, but you are allowing it and enabling it.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries.

Leave the WhatsApp chat.
Let DH make arrangements with his mum.
Stop buying the cards/gifts for his family. If anything comes back from MIL refer her to her son.
Don’t go to MILs house if you don’t want to and/or leave if she is rude to you.
Stop buying or making her food.

Generally just disengage from her. Somehow you’ve been dragged into doing all this shit and it all needs to stop.

NorthSouthcatlady · 13/04/2022 16:34

YANBU l wouldn’t get involved. I don’t see why wife work has to be a thing and l refuse to do it

JemimaTiggywinkle · 13/04/2022 16:40

Just stop!
Let DH do all the communicating, life admin, present buying etc. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. He obviously doesn’t care, so why should you?
If he doesn’t buy his mum a card then it’s his fault, not yours.
You don’t need to nag him to reply either.

I bet he’s not paying you to be his secretary, and I bet he doesn’t make up for it by doing extra in other areas (housework, organising DC activities etc).

If a by-product is you see his family less because no-one makes arrangements then it doesn’t sound like a bad thing tbh.

Eightiesfan · 13/04/2022 16:41

Ignore her, if your DH can’t be bothered to reply why should you. I used to buy all the presents for DPs family. After a couple of years it dawned on my that his brother and his wife never so much as bothered to send me a birthday card. So When DP started nagging about what to get DSIL, I started giving him the stock answer of gift voucher which he hated as their family always give each other ‘thoughtful’ gifts. He stopped asking and is now responsible for all gifts, although after a couple of years cottoned on to the fact his DB and wife never sent me anything so now just sends SIL a card!

TrialofTrials · 13/04/2022 16:45

I would leave him to it. And repeatedly say to his mum., yes you should talk to him if she asks. My MIL makes continuous remarks that I'm too much about equality but after nearly 20 years together she has gotten it into her head that it is all his responsibility (which tbf he does really well...she just expects me to do it every time so messages me).

Threetulips · 13/04/2022 16:52

Since I met dh I have been responsible for all birthdays Christmas etc in his family

Well you took that role. Lesson learnt.

I know it’s difficult but just like children you have to let them learn by their own mistakes.

If he doesn’t reply then that’s on him, if MIL messages you, just defer … ‘oh DH is sorting that, give him a ring’

As you don’t actually want to go, his failure to message is a bonus!

Honestly walk away and deal with your own stuff.

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