To ignore MIL texts

[flowerydress]

Yes I'm afraid it's a MIL one but imo it's more of a terrible dh one too. Sorry it's long. Maybe just because I need to get things off my chest a bit.

Since I met dh I have been responsible for all birthdays Christmas etc in his family.
Last year I felt he as a grown adult could possibly lift a finger. But when push came to shove he forgot to send his mum a birthday card so I end up doing it albeit late.
I'm lucky if I hear from his family. No one ever asks about our dc. Not even to dh.

If his siblings need anything because they've run out of money we help. We have given things to MIL that would have helped us too but wanted to be nice but she acts like it never happened.

We always seem to be doing all the helping and giving. Anyway, his mum used to text me alone and sort things like when we'd see her or dh birthday and she said she was going to ask dh. I said she'd be lucky if her son got back to her because he's so lazy.

Since i said this, and maybe to her credit, she's set up a group chat with me and dh to involve him (personally I think she wanted to prove something when I called her son lazy). In the group chat she's now asked if we are we coming to see her for Easter. I don't like going to her. Every time we go we buy lunch for her. Every time she comes to us we buy food. Again seems we do all the giving and she never returns any of it. She has a lot of money and it all annoys me so much. I find it rude.

She's never once offered even a snack when we're there but we'll get a cup of tea. She has offered a cheese sandwich for dc though. But made me make the sandwich while there 😂

Aibu to leave dh to text back? I'm feeling awkward but I think this is finally the time where it's up to him to sort these things out, I've got enough in my own plate.
MIL set this group chat up I'm sure in the hope he gets back to her and I think I'm going to sit back and stay out of it. Personally I wish she'd just text him and am wondering if I am just the backup plan if she doesn't text back here.

I think many of us have been down that route of taking on birthday and Christmas admin. Then I realised various close relations of DH weren't even sending him a card, let alone me. In fact, he didn't get as much as a text. So pruned them off the present list and although they still get cards it's the cheapo ones from Card Factory.

@flowerydress

Dh won't stand up to her. He's too scared. Another reason I don't like going to her anyway because she is rude to me and he pretends he can't see it, or can't see it but it's obvious. She did get caught out once when he was in the same room but round a corner and she thought he'd gone outside and was rude to me and he heard. But then this all falls back into place and carries on as is.

She sends me reminders for everyone in dh families birthdays as well. But no one in his family remembers mine, she does send something tbf. I wonder if she even bothers reminder anyone else of mine though. I think I am actually being used by them all.

Yes @Wren44 I'm worried what she'll think of me not because of some but because I worry she'll use it as another reason to say she doesn't like me which I don't think she does because she also extends this to my dc too.

But she doesn't like you anyway.

Her actions are quite clear on that!

You need to come to terms with this fact, also that your DC are also not bothered with by her.... and then act accordingly.

Start by not arranging anymore meet ups. You're just enabling your spineless DH by stepping in. He knows you will as well so l would put a message along the lines of what girlmum21 said on the group so it is clear to everyone that you're not going to do it anymore

If you back down and do, it's you're own fault

I can’t imagine being with someone who didn’t buy me a gift or card and it’s even more reason not to do anything for his family. I’d also not buy him anything in future unless it’s returned in kind.

His family sound toxic. Don’t spend time with people who are rude to you (I’m wondering what she’s said to you?!)
Leave them to him from now on and under no circumstances get involved at all, even if he still does nothing.

Thanks all. I could not see all of this. I won't be doing anything more, this thread has opened my eyes. As to my birthday I do organise my own now. Cba to sit around waiting for dh to do anything. It is what it is.

Maybe once I stop all this sort of wife work I will have the energy to sort that part of my life out too!

"Dh won't stand up to her. He's too scared. Another reason I don't like going to her anyway because she is rude to me and he pretends he can't see it, or can't see it but it's obvious. She did get caught out once when he was in the same room but round a corner and she thought he'd gone outside and was rude to me and he heard.
But then this all falls back into place and carries on as is."

Oh my goodness @flowerydress I could have written this!!! To our MILS, may we never become them! 🥂

Maybe your DH doesn't want a relationship with his mother but isn't able or willing to aritculate to you why. Step away and let him manage his own family relationships.

Alternatively if it is down to you DH being lazy, don't enable him. In my 8 year relationship with my DH the only cards I have done myself for his family, was a printed photo christmas card of DD/Dog which I was ordering multiples of anyway, and I helped DD make a 'get well soon card' for her Grandad who is in hopsital having had a stroke. DH still made sure the card was remember and taken with us to in laws. DH is responsible for arranging all visits to his parents. I have even 'trained' MIL to default to DH on things like food she sends us home with and stuff to do with DD.

I have a good relationship with inlaws as a result.

@flowerydress

Thanks all. I could not see all of this. I won't be doing anything more, this thread has opened my eyes. As to my birthday I do organise my own now. Cba to sit around waiting for dh to do anything. It is what it is.

Maybe once I stop all this sort of wife work I will have the energy to sort that part of my life out too!

Good for you OP. Onwards and upwards for a better future. 🌹