Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a failure?

102 replies

Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 13:49

So, I have 2 children and a DH, I feel like a complete failure that I am not earning like my DH is and now I am 30 I am too old to do anything about it? I love being a mum more than anything but how can I teach then when I can’t even do anything for myself. I currently work part time in a help desk/facilities type role and feel so down on myself

OP posts:
Qwill · 12/04/2022 13:53

30 is not old at all!! Plenty of time to retrain and do anything you want!! We will probably all have to work until 70, so that’s more than your current age now you’ll be spending working. What do you like doing, what kind of hours are you looking for? Are you willing to a period of retraining, if so, for how long?

Orgasmagorical · 12/04/2022 14:01

No, you are not a failure.

Can you say what it is that's making you feel this way, Chlo76?

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 14:03

I feel like everybody around me is more of a success, has an amazing career etc and I feel so down about it

OP posts:
Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 12/04/2022 14:08

I'm the same age as you @Chlo76 I changed careers last summer, into a job I've always contemplated doing, but never felt confident enough to take the plunge. It was only when a friend who does the same job pushed me that I tried. So much happier than I was in my previous office based role.

Honestly, we've got decades of work ahead of us, the opportunity to try multiple career routes before you find what you reallu want to do. You're not a failure. Never a failure.

Orgasmagorical · 12/04/2022 14:13

@Chlo76

I feel like everybody around me is more of a success, has an amazing career etc and I feel so down about it
Comparison is the thief of joy.

You have no idea what their lives are really like. They may have what seems from the outside like a great job but the stress of it might be killing them. They may look like they earn a lot but it's all on tick. They might be all happy and smiling in public but being abused behind closed doors. You get the picture.

You say you love being a mum Smile. What else is good in your life?

Hope90x · 12/04/2022 14:19

Try not to make comparisons OP. I have a career, am your age, and I often yearn for a life where I have time to have a clean and tidy homely home, cook proper home-made hearty dinners and have energy to spend on seeing more of the people I love.
Even though to everyone on the outside it looks like I love my job (I do) and am generally doing well.... It doesn't necessarily mean ultimate happiness.

Springdaisy · 12/04/2022 14:29

Do you want an amazing career OP?
Im just asking, because my mum was a sahm her whole life. Shes still not working now and her youngest child moved out 10 years ago. Us kids are all over 30.
And she is jot a failure at all. In fact, she is my absolute hero. Best mother ever. Always there for us for everything. Us children we were her whole world and my childhood was absolutely amazing thanks to her.
Shes just one of those people who is fulfilled with motherhood alone and she was lucky my dad had a great job that supported us.
All of us kids have our own family now and we all live in the same town close to her. She loves having the grandkids over. Her house is always open and everyone comes and goes as we please. My kids sometimes go visit her after school just because and she is so happy when they do.
Im very similar to her. I do work now, but part time and im not interested in a great career at all. My main purpose in life is my kids and the rest of my family, my pets, my hobbies and friends. Just everything that gives me joy.
People shouldnt be defined by their career only as there are lots of other things in life.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 14:33

@Hope90x really? What is it you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 14:41

@Orgasmagorical I quite like my life if I’m honest, I just compare constantly. I’m worried I am getting old and haven’t achieved anything career wise, feel inferior to my DH as he is doing really well

OP posts:
namechangeranonymouse · 12/04/2022 15:02

How sad that you feel you have to shoehorn yourself into the successful career woman mould when what you really enjoy is being a mum and creating a warm, nurturing home environment for everyone. Many women enjoy the early childhood years and then go on to have a more fulfilling job when they are older.

I would look locally for more like minded mums who feel the same sense of fulfilment as mothers and stop comparing to these other women.

Hope90x · 12/04/2022 15:07

I am in the NHS and have been since I was 21. Of course everyone has different ideas about what "happiness" or "success" look like but please don't be down on yourself for taking a different path than others. You never know who could be envious of your lifestyle 💐

DogsAndGin · 12/04/2022 15:13

You don’t need to achieve anything ‘career’ wise. You are raising a family AND contributing financially. Stop being so harsh on yourself. Sounds like DH is the main breadwinner - the kids can learn about careers from that example. But without you, they would miss out on so so much. I say this from the perspective of having a mum who had a high paid job, she worked all hours, and I missed out on so much from her. You said you quite like your life, which is wonderful. Continue to enjoy it, and don’t rise to this silly pressure on women - it’s like we’re all supposed to be in some kind of jayz and Beyoncé power couple!

IwaswhoIam · 12/04/2022 15:30

I’m 37 and going back to school in a October . I’ll be 41 when I finish my degree. 30 is still young. I even consider 40 young 😆 . You are not a failure and you have lots of time to find a career you love .

incognitoforthisone · 12/04/2022 15:39

YABU to think that 30 is 'too old' to learn something new.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 16:28

I want to provide for my children like my DH does, you say your mum was never there but at least she was doing what she could to put a roof over your head etc. I work part time and couldn’t afford all that by myself

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 12/04/2022 17:31

[quote Chlo76]@Orgasmagorical I quite like my life if I’m honest, I just compare constantly. I’m worried I am getting old and haven’t achieved anything career wise, feel inferior to my DH as he is doing really well[/quote]
I'm glad you quite like your life, that's good.

What's not so good is the constant comparing. Have you always done that throughout your life or is it a more recent thing?

Why do you feel inferior to your DH?

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 17:37

Honestly, what if more important to you? Being there for the kids or career?

OP posts:
lightand · 12/04/2022 17:39

Gosh. The things people look down on themselves for.
Waste of time.

VelvetChairGirl · 12/04/2022 17:42

being a good role model to your kids has nothing to do with working

Springdaisy · 12/04/2022 17:57

@Chlo76

I want to provide for my children like my DH does, you say your mum was never there but at least she was doing what she could to put a roof over your head etc. I work part time and couldn’t afford all that by myself
But you arent by yourself. You are at home organising your childrens lives. Probably driving them around, making their meals, washing their clothes, spend quality time with them every day. Could your DH do all that by himself while working full time? I think not. I remember when i was a child some of my friends came home from school by themselves and were alone for 3h until their parents came home. My mum always waited for us with a snack, sat down and helped with homework, drove us to our many activities, let me invite friends to our house etc. I am so glad i got to do all that. And it wouldnt have been possible if she had worked.
Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 18:43

But shouldn’t I be a high powered career woman earning 6 figures?

OP posts:
OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 12/04/2022 18:47

Those last two points make me think you are trolling tbh.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 18:49

I’m not trolling I am genuinely struggling as I want to do my kids proud

OP posts:
Luxembourgmama · 12/04/2022 18:51

I had a crap salary at 30 and felt the same as you. By 41 I've tripled it and have a job I love. So much so that my DH can now afford to consider taking a sideways move to a less stressful role and we'll have more time together.

LiliesareWhite · 12/04/2022 18:53

My advice would be that you ask yourself how you would fare if your H died suddenly or you split up.

I always earned enough to support myself and had my own savings pot.

I encouraged my DD to do the same and not need a man to put a roof over her head.

What happened to your education?
Did you do A levels or go to uni?

Is that something you could do now to get a career?