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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a failure?

102 replies

Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 13:49

So, I have 2 children and a DH, I feel like a complete failure that I am not earning like my DH is and now I am 30 I am too old to do anything about it? I love being a mum more than anything but how can I teach then when I can’t even do anything for myself. I currently work part time in a help desk/facilities type role and feel so down on myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 22:20

I am exactly the same if I am honest. It’s like I found my purpose when I became a mum, nothing else matters but equally it means a lot to me to provide for them. I mean yes I would get half the house etc, up my hours and child maintenance should cover it? Is that really me being independent from my DH

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Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 22:30

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Marshmellow123 · 12/04/2022 22:38

Hi chlo76, it's sounds like you are worried whether you will be able to financially be stable if you were to leave your partner?
Yes you would be able to up your hours, get child maintenance and then part of the house. Regarding careers wise, people retrain at all sorts of ages. You are able to 100%, you can do anything you put your mind to. We are all human and worry about things. I for one am an overthinker, and always have been. Erase this self doubt you have with yourself.. you can do anything you put your mind to

BulletTrain · 12/04/2022 23:29

Being independent does not mean maintaining the exact same lifestyle on 1 wage when it was originally set up and financed by 2.

For example, our mortgage was based on mutiples of our salary. Had either of us applied for this size of mortgage alone we would have failed on affordability. If you are insisting on such a simplistic view, the answer would have been to only agree to rent or buy somewhere that your part time wage could pay for in case if a split. Would you want to live like that to prove a point to yourself?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/04/2022 23:32

I’ve said this before - I felt the same as you, I was 30 before I even earned £20k a year. I earn £45k now and I’ll be 40 soon.

It’s not too late.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 23:43

People say you should get your career sorted before children and it bothers me I didn’t do what I apparently should have done

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Original poster
Chlo76 · 13/04/2022 08:51

@Luxembourgmama oh really? What is it that you do?

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Original poster
Chlo76 · 13/04/2022 09:57

Also, what is not relying on a man? If he left I would up my hours and maintenance may just cover it, but it would be tight?

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BulletTrain · 13/04/2022 10:14

@Chlo76

People say you should get your career sorted before children and it bothers me I didn’t do what I apparently should have done
Do you think anyone working in an entry-level job under a certain salary shouldn't have children?
Original poster
Chlo76 · 13/04/2022 10:50

Not personally no…I just feel judged that I did it the wrong way round

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Original poster
Chlo76 · 13/04/2022 12:17

I’m starting an access to nursing course in September 😊

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QforCucumber · 13/04/2022 12:17

the only person judging you is you.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 13/04/2022 12:23

@QforCucumber yes…maybe 😊

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Organictangerine · 13/04/2022 12:38

@Chlo76

I’m starting an access to nursing course in September 😊
Hooray! Keep us posted on how it goes! Well done!
BiscuitBean · 13/04/2022 12:46

I was in your position 6 years ago (minus kids, but still feeling a failure compared to others). I made a career change and am now earning almost 4 times what I was…not quite 6 figures but will be within another couple of years. So you’re not too old to change careers at all, obviously depending what you want to do.

BUT…am I happier? Not really. I often resent the fact that I’ve backed myself into this high salary corner with additional financial commitments when all I really want to do is take a step back from the stress, the lack of balance, and the constant extra hours. But I can’t now.

Pinklady245612 · 13/04/2022 12:51

You have plenty of time to do what you want to do. I'm 37 and am just now going back to studying to finish my qualification in accounting. My DC are 13 and 11 and I hope to be finished by the end of the year - I got to have the home life I wanted working part time while they were young, and with my youngest starting secondary in September I'm now working towards my career goals, and will probably have 30 years doing what I've trained for. Maybe look into some career guidance?

Original poster
Chlo76 · 13/04/2022 12:53

I have this image in my head of how life goes. Good grades, uni, good job, meet partner, get married, have kids…end of story ha!!

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Original poster
Chlo76 · 13/04/2022 12:54

@BiscuitBean can I ask what you did specifically that changed everything? Which path career wise did you choose? Did you have any qualifications?

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Marshmellow123 · 13/04/2022 13:07

Not to put you off nursing at all, but I wouldn't say to go into it for money. I am also a registered nurse, I am okay but the pay isn't 6 figures for sure. Maybe look into how much nurses earn, you can work your way up of course but the salary is not high

Fusillage · 13/04/2022 13:11

OP aren’t you the poster who did nearly exactly this thread the other day with an idea that you want to do midwifery? I am not sure why you are doing this again. Are you hoping for different answers?

BiscuitBean · 13/04/2022 13:22

[quote Chlo76]@BiscuitBean can I ask what you did specifically that changed everything? Which path career wise did you choose? Did you have any qualifications?[/quote]
I changed industries but my job initially remained very similar. I had a degree anyway so haven’t gained any further specific qualifications, I’ve just ended up in an industry with higher earning potential (tech, but I’m not in a technical role) and have progressed through a managerial pathway.

It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I feel under incredible amounts of pressure in my role 24/7 and find it really hard to switch off because it’s so intense. I also feel genuinely ashamed of how much I earn for what I do in comparison how underpaid others are for much more important work. I guess if you’re the sort of person who will beat yourself up and compare yourself to others, you will still be that person whatever you end up doing…if that makes sense? You’d be better served working on that rather than just constantly looking for more…I wish I had!

Anonymous48 · 13/04/2022 13:37

@Chlo76
"I also think it's important to be a role model to your child and you can't be one if you're not proud of what you have done."

Yes, of course it's important that you know you can take care of yourself and your children financially if your marriage ended or you were widowed.

However, you can absolutely be a great role model for your kids and you can be proud of yourself, even if you don't have a high flying career or even if you don't have a paying job at all.

The way that someone is a good role model for their kids is by being a good person and treating everyone (including themselves!) with kindness and respect.

You're only 30. You have a long life ahead of you. I think you need to work on your self esteem. (And that doesn't come from a well paying job.)

Original poster
Chlo76 · 13/04/2022 14:30

@Anonymous48 thank you for that! I think your right

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Barkingmadhouse · 13/04/2022 14:47

[quote Anonymous48]@Chlo76
"I also think it's important to be a role model to your child and you can't be one if you're not proud of what you have done."

Yes, of course it's important that you know you can take care of yourself and your children financially if your marriage ended or you were widowed.

However, you can absolutely be a great role model for your kids and you can be proud of yourself, even if you don't have a high flying career or even if you don't have a paying job at all.

The way that someone is a good role model for their kids is by being a good person and treating everyone (including themselves!) with kindness and respect.

You're only 30. You have a long life ahead of you. I think you need to work on your self esteem. (And that doesn't come from a well paying job.)[/quote]
I didn't say the op couldn't be a role model without a high flying career - I said the op couldn't be a role model without being proud of what they have done. Some people are proud of being a SAHM or a lower level job but the op doesn't seem to be. To be a role model she needs to be proud of what she does, whatever that may be

Anonymous48 · 13/04/2022 15:26

@Barkingmadhouse

I was replying to and quoting the OP. I don't even know which your message was. But it sounds like I was completely agreeing with you anyway.