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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a failure?

102 replies

Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 13:49

So, I have 2 children and a DH, I feel like a complete failure that I am not earning like my DH is and now I am 30 I am too old to do anything about it? I love being a mum more than anything but how can I teach then when I can’t even do anything for myself. I currently work part time in a help desk/facilities type role and feel so down on myself

OP posts:
sophienelisse · 12/04/2022 19:52

You sound unsettled op like you want or think your marriage might end.

If you divorce then 50% is the starting point for assets. Child maintenance.

Yep you'd prob have to up your hours but it can all be worked out.

What bit are you specifically worried about.

I get it, I would be fine if my DH left but I was fine before I met him as I met him later in life.

What is the root of this worry you have about providing for your kids.

sophienelisse · 12/04/2022 19:54

If the worry is at the min groundless then I suggest a savings account as your run away fund or as your just in case money.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 19:57

I think that’s it what a PP to never rely on a man!

OP posts:
Goldfishjones · 12/04/2022 20:06

Isn't the whole point of life to be happy? That's what everyone is chasing. If you have achieved happiness with your life then mission accomplished, many many people who'd be so jealous of that.

I work in part time, don't earn big bucks but I like my job and it gives me time with my family. I came to this job from a high stress career role and that was truly awful altho noone would have known to look at me from the outside. I was waking at night in tears worrying about everything.

Now, I'm not rich or wildly respected in my career but I'm happy! That's all I ever wanted.

Lifesonebigparty · 12/04/2022 20:06

@Chlo76

Yes but If they left where would that leave us 😢 I earn about the same as you x
I have a mortgage with my DH so I'll get half of that if we divorce. I'm not too worried.

Are things not going well in your relationship?

Borris · 12/04/2022 20:09

I have a pretty good career and it does bring me satisfaction. But I only have one child and a failed marriage ....

Bootwall · 12/04/2022 20:14

Sounds as though your insecurities are coming from somewhere - do you feel unhappy? Seems important for you to earn more/feel more independent, these are definitely attainable if you're willing to put in time and effort; online degrees, training, so many options now. Good luck!

CallMeDaddy58 · 12/04/2022 20:15

Your post is incredibly patronising. I’m 36, earn £600 per month & have 1 child. My DH earns £10k per month. I do not and have never regarded myself as a failure. I don’t determine my value as a human by my salary.

If DH & I were to split I’d get 70k out our home, child maintenance & I’d up my hours at work. I’m not living my life assuming it’ll all fall apart one day. I adore being a Mum. I love my job. I feel succeeding as fuck. Fuck anyone who’d say I’m a failure because my DH out earns me. He’d be a mess without me. A rich mess but still a mess!

Barkingmadhouse · 12/04/2022 20:17

I think you're sensible to ensure you have a career - as your rightly point out if he left how would you cope. I also think it's important to be a role model to your child and you can't be one if you're not proud of what you have done.
Now you need to decide what you want to do and how you are going to get there. If you are undecided there are a lot of free level 2 and 3 courses available that you could complete whilst gaining an insight into whether it's a career for you (some are online with fairly short)

Organictangerine · 12/04/2022 20:18

@Chlo76

But shouldn’t I be a high powered career woman earning 6 figures?
No. Honestly if you’re happy being a mum and having a job rather than a career, stay as you are. I regret missing out on a lot of my child’s early life due to a ‘career’
Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 20:20

I think you're sensible to ensure you have a career - as your rightly point out if he left how would you cope. I also think it's important to be a role model to your child and you can't be one if you're not proud of what you have done.
Now you need to decide what you want to do and how you are going to get there. If you are undecided there are a lot of free level 2 and 3 courses available that you could complete whilst gaining an insight into whether it's a career for you (some are online with fairly short)

That’s what bothers me, if he left, how would I cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 20:21

I have a job with prospects so isn’t that a career? Many departments etc that I Could branch off to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 20:25

I’m not trying to be patronising I’m trying to be realistic. I want my OWN Money as I’ve read so many threads on here from
Women who get shafted

OP posts:
ILoveAllRainbowsx · 12/04/2022 20:26

@QforCucumber

Well I earn nowhere near 6 figures, not even half of that. But I do have a career, work ft and see the kids for 2.5 hours a day Monday - Friday. My house is a tip constantly, we eat more takeaways than I’d like to admit and dh and I haven’t had any time alone in over a year.

Would you rather that life @Chlo76?

Oh, and remove yourself from all social media.

Exactly this.

It is not fun working full time with children.

Be grateful that you don't have to.

lightand · 12/04/2022 20:28

[quote Chlo76]@LiliesareWhite that’s what bothers me!

Can I get to a point now where I can support the family myself as that is where I need to be?

It would be a struggle for me to manage on my own and I don’t want that.

I just want to know that I can get to that point?[/quote]
But you cant rely on that.

Plenty of career women get sick.

chopc · 12/04/2022 20:31

I understand what you mean. If you feel you have underachieved then it's time to do something about it. Talk it through with a friend, a life coach whatever but don't continue just thinking about it .

I am in the camp that all individuals should be able to support themselves so even if you took some time out when kids were little, there is no reason why you can't work when they grow up

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/04/2022 20:39

Of course you aren’t a failure - you have just been focused on raising kids.

30 is young but agree it would be good to get a career moving so you have your own security and because that’s what you want.

Rather than agonising over everything, which is a waste of time you could be spending actually building a career, start jotting down ideas of what you’d like to do, and how you could get to that,

Careershifters is a good organisation that can guide you through the process of your next move.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 20:42

I just want to know I haven’t left it too late?

OP posts:
BulletTrain · 12/04/2022 20:42

I work part time. If DH left we'd sell, split the equity and buy a smaller place each. We'd either go 50/50 and share FT childcare costs (only for a year as DS is 3), or I'd go full time and use a childminder plus whatever CM I got. If DH dies or gets ill we have a shitload of expensive insurance. Same if I do.

Can you genuinely not see that referring to PT time working parents as "failures", especially if your own job has progression and you still think you are one, is offensive?

BulletTrain · 12/04/2022 20:43

@Chlo76

I just want to know I haven’t left it too late?
You have FORTY YEARS left to work. Most mortgages run to age 70. That's a decade longer than you've been alive.
Luredbyapomegranate · 12/04/2022 20:48

@Chlo76

I just want to know I haven’t left it too late?
No - you are THIRTY. You’ve got 40 years ahead of you to work.

Seriously (and with kindness) put your energy into sorting out a career not agonising about it.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 21:52

@BulletTrain yes, I can totally understand what you mean, but when I see posts from women saying never rely on a man it makes me feel so shit luke I’ve failed

OP posts:
Dickopf · 12/04/2022 21:57

@Chlo76

Honestly, what if more important to you? Being there for the kids or career?
I gave up my very good career when DC1 was born. I don't regret it for a second. Being a SAHM was the best time of my life by a million years.

It was a bit less good when I got divorced and was basically unemployable - but I have found ways. Given the choice now, I'd perhaps wonder if I could keep my hand in by working p/t - but then again, I wouldn't have wanted not to be at home with the DC. I actually didn't give a single tiny thought to my career after they were born - it faded into total irrelevance. It was as if my life up to that point had been completely meaningless. Maybe if the job had been less demanding I'd have thought differently, but I don't think I would.

Hawkins001 · 12/04/2022 21:58

@Chlo76

So, I have 2 children and a DH, I feel like a complete failure that I am not earning like my DH is and now I am 30 I am too old to do anything about it? I love being a mum more than anything but how can I teach then when I can’t even do anything for myself. I currently work part time in a help desk/facilities type role and feel so down on myself
I'm on approaching, 40 could have already had the family package by now, if the relationship had not fallen apart, I take full responsibility on that issue, but that aside, I look at my other achievements, that I have achieved, and an other event, that although very puzzling it's certainly one in a life time moment. Overall yes if the timeline had been different I could of achieved different aspects, but it is what it is, and compared with some, I've certainly not to bad overall, yes sometimes I'm annoyed with myself for what I could of achieved, but then it's through achieving what I have that I can reflect and have the perspectives I have now, I just need a time machine to change the past or at least a parallel universe, to see what could of been.

Keep doing the best possible op.

Dickopf · 12/04/2022 21:58

Oh and 30 is young, OP.