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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a failure?

102 replies

Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 13:49

So, I have 2 children and a DH, I feel like a complete failure that I am not earning like my DH is and now I am 30 I am too old to do anything about it? I love being a mum more than anything but how can I teach then when I can’t even do anything for myself. I currently work part time in a help desk/facilities type role and feel so down on myself

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/04/2022 18:58

Why do you work part time?
What progression is there where you are?
Where would you like to get to career-wise?
Are you willing to sacrifice your family time for it?

QforCucumber · 12/04/2022 18:58

Well I earn nowhere near 6 figures, not even half of that. But I do have a career, work ft and see the kids for 2.5 hours a day Monday - Friday.
My house is a tip constantly, we eat more takeaways than I’d like to admit and dh and I haven’t had any time alone in over a year.

Would you rather that life @Chlo76?

Oh, and remove yourself from all social media.

OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 12/04/2022 19:07

Sorry it's just the "shouldn't I be a high flying career woman earning six figures?" rhetorical question is such a disingenuous cliche. You can't seriously think that is a realistic expectation of setting a good example to your kids. It describes very very few people. That and questioning whether other women value being there for their kids or bringing in money - a false dichotomy often bandied about when someone is trying to ignite the very goady SAHP/WOHP bunfight - makes me v suspicious that's what you're doing, whilst lightly disguising it with a low paid part time role.

On the generous assumption you are genuine - why can't you pursue a career at 30? If your husband earns and you work part time, surely there's scope for you to spend some time/money retraining/upskilling in an area that interests you?

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 19:09

No, really not here for that at all, I just wanted some emotional support from other mums. I’m scared to quit my job and retrain as then I will have nothing to give

OP posts:
Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 19:11

I went to college etc but then was too bothered about earning money so just went into various other roles.

There is definitely scope for progression where I am

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chisanunian · 12/04/2022 19:16

[quote Chlo76]@Orgasmagorical I quite like my life if I’m honest, I just compare constantly. I’m worried I am getting old and haven’t achieved anything career wise, feel inferior to my DH as he is doing really well[/quote]
Don't you think though, that maybe this is a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence? If you'd had to work full time since you had your dc, you could just as easily be regretting having missed out on spending their earliest years at home with them.

It really is a lose/lose situation, and one in which many women find themselves.

By the way, you have a potential 38 years of work ahead of you before you qualify for a state pension, so all is very much not lost. Smile

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 19:17

@LiliesareWhite that’s what bothers me!

Can I get to a point now where I can support the family myself as that is where I need to be?

It would be a struggle for me to manage on my own and I don’t want that.

I just want to know that I can get to that point?

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LiliesareWhite · 12/04/2022 19:17

@Chlo76

No, really not here for that at all, I just wanted some emotional support from other mums. I’m scared to quit my job and retrain as then I will have nothing to give
Sorry I don't understand.

scared to quit as you will have nothing to give.

what does that mean?

Do you mean you wont be earning anything, or you will feel more of a failure for not having a job?

You seem to have a pretty skewed idea about things.

If you retrain, that is of value as it will mean you can get another job.

But if you only see your worth as a salary each month, that's wrong.

You don't have to quit a job to retrain though it depends on what you retrain as.

You can train as a teacher on the job (but you'd need a degree first.)

You can do a degree with the OU at home.

There are plenty of options if that's what you want.

LiliesareWhite · 12/04/2022 19:20

I think you need to be honest with yourself over the amount of studying you might have to do.

Not all, but many jobs now, need a degree or some higher training, maybe as an apprentice.

If you don't have A levels that might be a start. How academic you are is obviously a factor. If you struggled at school and don't like studying, then you might get on better with an apprenticeship type of role (even banks offer those now.)

sophienelisse · 12/04/2022 19:22

If you love being a mum more than anything and your doing that then what have you failed at?

Having a career isn't the be all and end all.

I'm trapped in mine. I feel trapped anyway.

If I could afford to be a full time mum I would be. I love being home and looking after us all.

Currently I work full time from home and it's hard!

It's so hard. Keeping on top of everything and working it's just never ending.

Just enjoy what you have and your happy.

Maybe do an ou course if you really want to change your life and have a career but if your happy as you are just enjoy it.

Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing.

I'm walking with some friends every night who have different careers. It's just constant moaning about work from is all we talk about

SusieQ5604 · 12/04/2022 19:24

I went to law school here in the states at age 28 with a husband and 2 yr old. My sister persuaded me I wasn't too old and I'm so glad she did! I love my life now!

Qwill · 12/04/2022 19:28

“Honestly, what if more important to you? Being there for the kids or career?”

“But shouldn’t I be a high powered career woman earning 6 figures?”

These are very emotive statements. Do you honestly believe them?

The first statement doesn’t make sense. You can be there for your kids and have a career. You can have a career and not be there for your kids. You can not have a career and not be there for your kids. It’s not mutually exclusive.

The second statement, I can only assume you are asking yourself this? Why does being high powered, a career woman, and/or earning a six figure salary matter to you? Again, all those things aren’t mutually exclusive! Are you concerned that if you and your partner broke up then you wouldn’t be left with anything, because that is a valid concern?

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 19:35

@Qwill yes that is my main concern. I don’t want to rely on him and then end up with nothing. I want to provide for my kids independent from benefits. That’s that meant the most to me right now, what if I can’t get into that position? I can’t fail them

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typingcake · 12/04/2022 19:35

I am self employed and I love my job. It took me a while to get to this point and get over imposter syndrome. And I’m sought after and respected in my field. But I do not earn 6 figures. Does that mean I’m a failure in your eyes? My friend has a contract at MOJ and she’s near the top of her ladder but she’s not earning 6 figures. I think I might actually only know a couple of people that do… I think you need to rethink your expectations and put your happiness at the forefront.

Lifesonebigparty · 12/04/2022 19:37

Op, I'm 32 and in a part time retail job earning 1k a month, whereas my husband, who is the same age, earns almost 5k a month. He wouldn't be earning that money without me being the main care giver.
So while he is providing financially for pur family, I am the home maker, the child care etc. I am just as important as him, just like you are too.

You are only 30, you're still young enough to get a career if you want. You just have to figure out what is it that you want to do. Don't ever think you're not worth much though, just because you don't earn as much as your husband. You are a team.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 19:41

Yes but If they left where would that leave us 😢 I earn about the same as you x

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OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 12/04/2022 19:42

You could do a part time course and keep your job (work on it in the evenings or go to night school. Take a loan from your savings if yo hav them (that family money, and investing in your education is a family investmen) or consider a career development loan from the bank if you don't feel comfortable with that/don't have savings (although if you don't have famil savings DH can't be doing that much better than you are). What sort of career would interest you? One way of thinking about that is thinking about what you like/what makes you good at your current role and what better paying fields incorporate aspects of those things.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 19:42

I HAVE to know I can provide if anything happened. Can you ever really trust anybody but yourself?

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OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 12/04/2022 19:43

Don't know why my phone has dropped the last letter of so many words!! Sorry it's a bit illegible.

Qwill · 12/04/2022 19:44

@Chlo76
Well in that case you can definitely do it as you have the impetus to want to make a change!! You said there is good career progression at your current work, so you could start with that. See what opportunities your company has as that’s an easy win, then look elsewhere if not. People don’t generally just land their dream job. It does take a lot of crappy jobs and work, but if you really want to change then you definitely can and you’re still so young!! By the sounds of what you’re saying, I think you’ll really enjoy it. Unless you have a family company, people don’t tend to roll straight into a high-flying, high salary job, so maybe set your sights slightly lower than the six-figures for now - doesn’t mean you can’t get there though!!

OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 12/04/2022 19:45

If he left, you would be entitled to child maintenance commensurate with his earnings. Or if you left. Is there a worry underlying this OP? Is your husband complaining/making you feel inadequate about your earning power, or giving you reason to be concerned he might leave?

Qwill · 12/04/2022 19:47

Also, the likelihood would be that you’d only have to provide half the costs (depending on how the break up goes), but if you think you’re husband would be reasonable then you would share costs, childcare etc. it’s totally doable, I know people who have split at 30 and have had to do that. Had a whole change of career and are doing much better than before!!

typingcake · 12/04/2022 19:47

If you’re thinking of leaving your partner or you think he will leave you then I don’t know what to suggest. You’ve not said how old your children are? Surely you could get another job or more hours?

But if you are worried about your partner dying then you could both look at life insurance or mortgage protection insurance.

Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 19:52

No, I just deal with the what ifs.

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Original poster
Chlo76 · 12/04/2022 19:52

Cant**

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