Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Will my mum have to live with me?!

105 replies

frustrated354 · 12/04/2022 10:33

Every so often I get myself into a little panic about my mums housing situation. In case it matters I am 31 she is 55.

She is renting, rent alone currently cost more than half her take home salary so saving for a deposit is not possible.

But that's the problem, it isn't possible for her to save NOW. She had ample time and opportunity to do so over her life, but she did not. I certainly think she is foolish for not doing so.

She married young (my father), then divorced, not sure what the financial set up was there but they did not own a house. She then moved in with a man. Very very strange set up, not together but some sort of arrangement. Lived with him 14 years. Paid no rent, I am not sure what the set up for bills was. All the while she had a very well paid job so could have saved a fortune.

That arrangement finished, she moved in with my GPs. Lived with them for 12 years until they passed away and the house was sold (she had other siblings). She would claim she kept that house afloat, but she didn't. I saw my GPs pay their bills, she may have helped out. I did when I was earning.

I had a very very well paid job about 5 years ago now. House prices in our town were still very low compared to national average. I saved a deposit and offered it to her for buying a house. She was renting a shit hole house by now. On the same road as GPs house and built at the same time but in horrendous condition. Again, rent would have been approx 1/4 of her monthly salary at this point. She refused to even look at any of the houses I suggested as they not all on one floor. Now I will give her some leeway on that she says she was too emotionally connected to the road to leave. But it was 2/3 years after she moved out of GPs house. It was only pure chance she got rent on that street.

Anyway, I spent the deposit money, moved on with my life.

I just worry that before she is even an OAP she will be living with me. DH is not a fan of that idea! Also we trying to start a family. I live a few hours away from my hometown now though so it is likely I will be her last resort.

I look at house prices in her town constantly, but I do not have the deposit and due to her age she needs a large deposit for a short mortgage. My SIL who I moaned about this to a few times says to leave it to it, she is a grown woman and can sort herself out. But I’m not sure that is the case and frequently (usually in the middle of the night) worry/ panic about what will happen when she no longer works. V V V little social housing where she lives.

Am I BU to be frustrated she didn’t sort herself out when she really really could have. I do not harp on at her about it, she can’t change the past so there is no point. It just frustrates me no end! And I do love my mum I just want what is best for her. She has never really had to look after herself so I worry. I am an only child. Luckily she does have siblings in her home town who help out.

OP posts:

Mydogisagentleman · 12/04/2022 10:36

You can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.
I don’t know a lot about social housing, but could she get her name down for that?

AntiHop · 12/04/2022 10:40

No, she won't have to live with you, if you mean from a legal perspective. If she can't afford her rent or becomes homeless, there's no legal rule that says a family member becomes responsible.

Dynamicsloth · 12/04/2022 10:45

There is some social housing for older people in most areas. If she can’t afford the rent when she retires she will have to apply for Housing Benefit etc.

Assume she won’t be able to retire until 67/68 anyway? It’s not your problem and no way are you obliged to house her.

IsDaveThere · 12/04/2022 10:46

There is no reason she would need to live with you and I would not be allowing that to happen, she is an adult and responsible for her own life. I know it must be hard when it is your mother but as PP says, some people just don't want to be helped.

She has probably missed the boat for buying a property (her age meaning she would only get a shorter mortgage) so I would give up on that idea as well.

Original poster

frustrated354 · 12/04/2022 10:48

@Mydogisagentleman I mostly filled out the very very long application form. But there were small parts I couldn't so I gave it to her to do. I spotted it in her house last time I visited.

@AntiHop No not from a legal point. But I wouldn't see my mum homeless.

DH gets annoyed because he said she won't do things because I just sort it out for her. But if I don't do it, it doesn't get done!

OP posts:

Gizacluethen · 12/04/2022 10:48

Just don't let her move in with you. She made her choices she won't end up on the streets, she'll end up somewhere she doesn't really want to live but that's on her.

Octomore · 12/04/2022 10:49

You've offered help in the past, and she refused it. There's no reason why that means she should have to move in with you in future.

She'd be best off getting her name down for social housing. Whether or not she does get into social housing, when she retires, her rent should be covered by benefits / pension credit.

If she has had well paid jobs before, but was paying no rent - has she got savings? Or did she just live a lavish lifestyle?

Ultimately, she's an adult who has been in the fortunate position of having been able to make choices (earning good money and living rent-free has given her the choice to save or not etc.). One of the consequences of the choices she has made may be a relatively impoverished old age. None of that is your fault or responsibility.

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 10:50

You don't know she could of def afforded a house as you admit you don't know the set up and you seem to have siblings so she must of paid to bring you all up ?
Its her life , you don't have to house her , she will be entitled to rent help of below a certain income and can apply for social housing
I don't get the you saved a deposit and her rent would of been 1/4 - do you mean you planned to by her somewhere and rent it from you or you wanted her to Take on a mortgage

TillyTopper · 12/04/2022 10:51

There is no legal ruling to say you have to take a family member in if they are homeless, so you can't be forced to. Obviously she may pile pressure on you, but you need to stand firm and say no if she ever asks. It depends on your relationship with her but is it possible to ask her what she intends to do as she pays rent but but can't work forever? You seem to indicate she has earned money but not paid rent/had high bills for much of a her lift - is it possible that she has saved it - you just don't know about it?

Octomore · 12/04/2022 10:51

and you seem to have siblings

Re-read the OP. She literally says she is an only child.

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 10:53

@Octomore missed that bit the sil bit made me think it was her brothers wife she was talking too

Octomore · 12/04/2022 10:53

It depends on your relationship with her but is it possible to ask her what she intends to do as she pays rent but but can't work forever?

Lots of people are in this position, not everyone buys a house. If the rent exceeds her ability to pay it as a pensioner, she will get housing benefits/pension credit.

She won't be living a life of luxury in her old age though.

worriedatthistime · 12/04/2022 10:54

It doesn't look like she is asking you for help in anyway and seems like she is ok with her set up and its you that isn't i

Octomore · 12/04/2022 10:54

@worriedatthistime

It doesn't look like she is asking you for help in anyway and seems like she is ok with her set up and its you that isn't i

True.

HotDogKetchup · 12/04/2022 10:57

Even if she saved a deposit she’s not going to get a mortgage - she hasn’t got enough working years left. I think you should ask what her plans are, if she has any. She would surely be able to get some help with council accommodation?

HotDogKetchup · 12/04/2022 10:57

@worriedatthistime

It doesn't look like she is asking you for help in anyway and seems like she is ok with her set up and its you that isn't i

Hmm not really if the op knows her well enough to know she looks to others for support and she’s the only one left.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 12/04/2022 10:58

So what if it doesn’t get done ? That’s her problem not yours.

Why do you feel you are responsible for her ?

Octomore · 12/04/2022 11:00

@HotDogKetchup

With a large deposit she could. If you live in an area with low house prices, and have a large deposit, a 10 year mortgage is doable without paying crazy money each month.

HippeePrincess · 12/04/2022 11:04

As infuriating as it sounds it’s not your problem, she’s chosen her path so leave her to it. If she ever asks to move in with you say no, and don’t ever offer for her to stay.

Original poster

frustrated354 · 12/04/2022 11:08

I said she was paying about 1/4 of her monthly wage in rent at the time, as that gave her scope to save for a deposit. No I wasn't going to buy a house and rent it back to her I was going to give her the money for a deposit. Although I wish I had bought a house in that town now and rented it out until she was ready. I am not flush but do earn well and could have afforded it.

SIL is my husbands sister, I'm an only child. For the most part she didn't raise me but that's another story.

I know she doesn't have savings. Until she moved in with my GPs she lived in London. Trying not to give anything to detailed but we are from an area the suffered badly from recessions/ factory + industry closure etc over the years. Not a bad place but certainly not the glam/ glitz London life she lead. She would have spent money to say 'look at me' bought nice things for GPs at the time. Took me on fancy holidays. I suppose I am more cautious, nice things are great once you have your security in place.

She does intend to work until retirement. No intention of retiring early or anything. This is me thinking ahead. To where will she live when her pension will absolutely not cover her rent.

I suppose it is annoying because she had the opportunity to do these things, unlike so many of my friends now struggling to save deposits.

OP posts:

Changechangychange · 12/04/2022 11:09

She could always move in with another man? She’s only 55, probably won’t remain single for the next 30 years.

I definitely wouldn’t let her move in with you - she will expect you to wait on her hand and foot, by the sounds of it.

OctopusSay · 12/04/2022 11:09

Someone who can barely look after their own affairs in rented accommodation should consider buying a house anyway. You don't just buy it and job done, I hate the stress of home ownership and I'm quite capable and responsible.

OctopusSay · 12/04/2022 11:10

Shouldn't consider...

otherbookmarks · 12/04/2022 11:10

Where I live there's definitely apartment accommodation available from housing associations for over 55's - that might be an option in your area for her. She's definitely not your responsibility, and I mean this kindly when I say that if you continue to do things for her she'll never do them herself. Sometimes you have to let people fall, and that includes your mother.

BadHairDayExpert · 12/04/2022 11:10

In other European countries many rent.
Many do take care of parents too though.
Your Mum will live on bugger all in social housing.
For many, especially those of us without pensions, we will work until we drop, die earlier from cancer anyway or live on bare minimum.
The only upside being that if you have sod all and need a care home, it will be funded. Had your Mum got a house it would be sold anyway should she need care.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread