Will my mum have to live with me?!

[frustrated354]

Every so often I get myself into a little panic about my mums housing situation. In case it matters I am 31 she is 55.

She is renting, rent alone currently cost more than half her take home salary so saving for a deposit is not possible.

But that's the problem, it isn't possible for her to save NOW. She had ample time and opportunity to do so over her life, but she did not. I certainly think she is foolish for not doing so.

She married young (my father), then divorced, not sure what the financial set up was there but they did not own a house. She then moved in with a man. Very very strange set up, not together but some sort of arrangement. Lived with him 14 years. Paid no rent, I am not sure what the set up for bills was. All the while she had a very well paid job so could have saved a fortune.

That arrangement finished, she moved in with my GPs. Lived with them for 12 years until they passed away and the house was sold (she had other siblings). She would claim she kept that house afloat, but she didn't. I saw my GPs pay their bills, she may have helped out. I did when I was earning.

I had a very very well paid job about 5 years ago now. House prices in our town were still very low compared to national average. I saved a deposit and offered it to her for buying a house. She was renting a shit hole house by now. On the same road as GPs house and built at the same time but in horrendous condition. Again, rent would have been approx 1/4 of her monthly salary at this point. She refused to even look at any of the houses I suggested as they not all on one floor. Now I will give her some leeway on that she says she was too emotionally connected to the road to leave. But it was 2/3 years after she moved out of GPs house. It was only pure chance she got rent on that street.

Anyway, I spent the deposit money, moved on with my life.

I just worry that before she is even an OAP she will be living with me. DH is not a fan of that idea! Also we trying to start a family. I live a few hours away from my hometown now though so it is likely I will be her last resort.

I look at house prices in her town constantly, but I do not have the deposit and due to her age she needs a large deposit for a short mortgage. My SIL who I moaned about this to a few times says to leave it to it, she is a grown woman and can sort herself out. But I’m not sure that is the case and frequently (usually in the middle of the night) worry/ panic about what will happen when she no longer works. V V V little social housing where she lives.

Am I BU to be frustrated she didn’t sort herself out when she really really could have. I do not harp on at her about it, she can’t change the past so there is no point. It just frustrates me no end! And I do love my mum I just want what is best for her. She has never really had to look after herself so I worry. I am an only child. Luckily she does have siblings in her home town who help out.

It's her life and how she spends her money is her business BUT she is not your responsibility. You've tried to help her once and she refused. You don't owe her anything else.
When she stops earning, she will claim benefits and cover her rent that way, and I imagine that is how she'll cope for the rest of her life. Probably ask you for help if her car breaks down or the washing machine dies.

Don't offer her a home unless you and your dh and your dcs all want her there.

Your SIL is right, she is an adult and this is her problem, not yours.

I would also say (as someone who does this and who has been advised by counsellors not to) that you should try not to worry about things that are 20+ years in the future. I am nearly your mother's age. I do not feel old, I intend to be working for a long time. She is not elderly at all. So the problem you are worrying about is in the very distant future - and anything could happen before then. This sounds more like your anxiety - which is something you can manage. Get counselling to help you with this worry and misplaced sense of responsibility.

@ExplodingElephants that would be so so frustrating!!

Just to clear up, I do not want her to live with us. I just fear it is inevitable.
If she does move in, expect your DH to move out.

She is an adult. If she can't work she can claim benefits.
She is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
(sorry to shout)

Just make sure she doesn't have the spare key...

Your sister in law is right.

I don't think my mum is elderly and I think she will work for at least 10/15 years more where she can afford rent. It is just what after that?

I know we don't know the future but I would have thought some sort of security over where to live would be something most people would want in retirement. I have my house sorted (well as much as any one can) yes I know things can happen. I promise I am not this uptight about everything in my life! But I probably am a bit of a planner. I don't worry about much but I do worry about this. It probably is misplaced, as pp's have said. She didn't seem concerned about raising me when it actually was her responsibility!! (tbf she did a lot more than my dad who I haven't seen since I was a baby)

Also pp saying she might pick up with another man, that is so far out of the realm of possibility it may actually happen!!

I really am not an overly anxious person, and I have been to counselling about things before, a truck load of bad things happened in my life, I guess I never got around to talking about my misplaced responsibility towards my mum. Not sure why I have it or where it comes from.

It's not " inevitable" - that is just a thought in your own head. She is responsible for her life and you are responsible for your own thoughts. Don't get these things mixed up!

OP we have sometimes taken in lodgers and have had many short term guests too. We had an agreement that everyone in the house had to be happy with someone coming to stay, otherwise it would be a no. Might be worth considering an idea like that. Would your DH happily agree or not?

@frustrated354

No she hasn't asked for my help, true. I guess I just worry for her and her security.

Her attitude when I have brought it up is 'it will work out'.

In some ways you are fortunate here! She actually isnt asking for your help. So relax!

It is far worse "having" to rescue someone who has made bad mistakes and may go on to make some more.

She’s an adult. Treat her like one no matter how much she ignores the situation around her. She has siblings to lean on. She can apply for social housing if at risk.

Let her fail/stand on her own two feet and stop helicoptering around her to fix everything. Sounds like this is what folks have done all her life for her.

She might qualify for an Almshouse when she is 60.

Who qualifies to live in almshouses?
be at least 60 years of age; be in “need, hardship or distress” and of modest financial means; be able to look after themselves without the need of medical assistance.

www.independentage.org/get-advice/housing-options/types-of-housing/almshouses

""No just no. She needs to take responsibility for herself for once. ""

She does take responsibility for herself, she isn't asking for anything.

Everyone on this thread needs to imagine what it would be like to have a family member or in-law who thinks that you should live according to them.

You are massively judgemental about her life. Other than what she owed you it's none of your business how she's lived. Pensioners aren't subject to bedroom tax or capping. She will get rent paid via benefits. There's loads of over 55 housing provision, she might consider that an option. what do you think happens to the majority ie none home owners? Or she might have met someone and moves in. It's ridiculous to be worrying about 15 years time. Are you sure that you aren't deflecting something? Leave your Mother alone, she sounds as though she's lived a happy life and has gone with the flow.

@thecurtainsofdestiny I don't think he would really want to but would. We have already agreed with his parents that when one of them is gone and the remaining one no longer can manage alone they will live with us. But his parents are a lot older then my mum. Also we would have support from his sister

Why are you worrying about something that is years away, might not become a problem and something you have complete control over?

I think you have written about what you know of your mums financial history to justify not housing her should she become homeless in the future. You do not need to justify why you do not want someone to live in your house. I suspect you are worried you will feel guilty if your mum was homeless and you would feel obliged to house her. You are trying to assert some control now to protect yourself from potentially difficult conversation in the future but your mum is an adult who will make her own decisions, respecting her right to do that means accepting she will have to deal with the consequences of her decisions.

If you want to be proactive and relieved of the compulsion to interfer in your mums affairs then you could have a very direct and honest conversation with her now. Let her know you will not house her if she is unable to arrange her finances to ensure she has a home in retirement. She will have the information she needs to change what she does, if she wants to, and you will have been very clear about where you stand.

There is no judgement or criticism in anything I've written just my interpretation of the situation.

My elderly mum is in social housing and receives housing benefit that covers her rent.

You don't have to have her live with you at all.
When she said to you "it will work out," she was absolutely right.

I wonder if you might have a touch of onlychilditis? I'm an only child myself and live around 200 miles away from my mum.
It's hard, there is guilt but there's nothing you can do about it.
Your mum is still moderately young and able to work.
It's her problem, not yours and you don't have to do anything sorting out for her, she's perfectly capable.

@HollowTalk

I think there's a lot going on here. She didn't bring you up and you seem to have taken on a parental role. I can imagine a mother in her 50s worrying about her daughter in that way.

The very last thing she's going to do is buy somewhere to live. That's not been a priority for her because she's never been financially independent. If by chance she did buy somewhere, she wouldn't put money aside for repairs etc and that would be whole new problem.

I think it's essential that you don't ever suggest she moves in with you. It will ruin your marriage if your husband doesn't want it. I'm not convinced you want it, either, though I wonder whether there's a part of you from childhood that wants to live with your mum and for everything to be OK.

Have you considered having some counselling to talk about this? Invest some money in your own well being rather than focussing on your mum's. As another poster said, it's very likely she'll meet a new man and live with him anyway.

OP I think you need to read and reread this reply. You seem to be trying to have a parent/child relationship with your mother that is simply not there. Let her make her choices, let her deal with the consequences of her choices, this is who she is as a person and nobody but her can change that.

Try to insulate yourself emotionally. My father was the same, he lived so insecurely, crippled by debt when he died. It made me so sad, but it wouldn't have changed anything if I'd taken on his debts or his many poor investment choices. He'd have just done it all again, and he did when my mum bailed him out. Look after your future children.

No, she can apply for social housing. Don't even offer it as an option!

She’s only 55, she may meet someone else? My mum remarried at 60.

I do get your concerns though, my DF (father) is 67 and has just been made homeless after splitting with his partner, he has been sofa surfing mainly at my house but the thought of having to have him here full time fills me with dread, he’s not really looking very hard for anywhere to live. He does have some money but not enough to buy and in the long run he will struggle to rent a 2 bed now he has retired.

DH gets annoyed because he said she won't do things because I just sort it out for her. But if I don't do it, it doesn't get done!

Stop enabling her, FFS. She's not a child and she's not 100 years old. She can sort herself out.

I don’t think you have misplaced responsibility for your mother. I think you see her as the only uncontrollable element in your life, and you want it to be as controlled as possible.

If she has found life too difficult to face (cannot cope with thinking ahead, works on the premise that all will work out somehow), this must be very challenging for you.

I honestly cannot imagine a 30 year old who has the head space to worry about their parent to this extent when the parent is only mid 50s and working.

Meanwhile, there is nothing “inevitable” about anyone moving in with you. YOU make the bloody decision. Maybe you need to talk it through with a counsellor, either psychological or financial.

Maybe the best thing would be to come up with a plan A and plan B. Plan A, covers anything where she lands on her feet. You help push it along by making sure that housing list form gets sent in, or whatever. as others have said, she may end up in another relationship.

Plan B, she needs to come and live with you. If it stops you losing sleep over this for the next 20 years (OMG), then plan, work, nad save towards having a house with an annexe or granny flat. If, in 20 years, she doesn’t need it, you can rent it out and it will be an excellent income stream.

Otherwise, you are going to spontaneously combust, and that won’t help anyone.

It sounds like your mother has never really grown up, and is content to be this way. If I were you I'd get on with my life and stop worrying about her unduly because it's holding you back.

TBF, though, it is worth talking about the fact that women over 60 is the biggest group of newly homeless people, and that doesn’t happen overnight.

@Lovemusic33 - just being nosey, why does your dad need a 2 bed flat? Surely even a studio would be better than sofa surfing if he can afford it?

She has been in work so will be entitled to state pension plus presumably a private or occupational pension.

If she retired in low income she will be entitled to housing benefit etc.

Do not even think if housing your Mum! Totally unnecessary , and your poor DH!

She is a grown adult with another 12 years before she draws her pension.

Stop dwelling on this!

And focus on building your own security, your own mortgage etc, not your Mum’s!

Age UK have advice on housing options for the over 55s which might be helpful OP

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/housing-options/specialist-housing-options/

@frustrated354

No she hasn't asked for my help, true. I guess I just worry for her and her security.

Her attitude when I have brought it up is 'it will work out'.

You need to make it very clear to her when she says something like "It will work out" that if she thinks she's going to move in with you, that is not on the table now or ever. It's not going to happen. Sometimes you have to be brutal with the facts. Reply like "Now mum, I hope you don't see yourself moving in with me and John as it working out for you. All due respect here but we don't want that and neither would you. You have to fill in the bits on the form that I gave you X weeks ago and I'll send it off for you to get the ball rolling but you will not be moving in with me and John" should cover it. You are trying to establish boundaries here. She might push back (though I doubt it based on her relaxed attitude to where she has lived/will live/is living) but you need to have your wits about you and have your replies ready for whenever the situation arises.