Will my mum have to live with me?!

[frustrated354]

Every so often I get myself into a little panic about my mums housing situation. In case it matters I am 31 she is 55.

She is renting, rent alone currently cost more than half her take home salary so saving for a deposit is not possible.

But that's the problem, it isn't possible for her to save NOW. She had ample time and opportunity to do so over her life, but she did not. I certainly think she is foolish for not doing so.

She married young (my father), then divorced, not sure what the financial set up was there but they did not own a house. She then moved in with a man. Very very strange set up, not together but some sort of arrangement. Lived with him 14 years. Paid no rent, I am not sure what the set up for bills was. All the while she had a very well paid job so could have saved a fortune.

That arrangement finished, she moved in with my GPs. Lived with them for 12 years until they passed away and the house was sold (she had other siblings). She would claim she kept that house afloat, but she didn't. I saw my GPs pay their bills, she may have helped out. I did when I was earning.

I had a very very well paid job about 5 years ago now. House prices in our town were still very low compared to national average. I saved a deposit and offered it to her for buying a house. She was renting a shit hole house by now. On the same road as GPs house and built at the same time but in horrendous condition. Again, rent would have been approx 1/4 of her monthly salary at this point. She refused to even look at any of the houses I suggested as they not all on one floor. Now I will give her some leeway on that she says she was too emotionally connected to the road to leave. But it was 2/3 years after she moved out of GPs house. It was only pure chance she got rent on that street.

Anyway, I spent the deposit money, moved on with my life.

I just worry that before she is even an OAP she will be living with me. DH is not a fan of that idea! Also we trying to start a family. I live a few hours away from my hometown now though so it is likely I will be her last resort.

I look at house prices in her town constantly, but I do not have the deposit and due to her age she needs a large deposit for a short mortgage. My SIL who I moaned about this to a few times says to leave it to it, she is a grown woman and can sort herself out. But I’m not sure that is the case and frequently (usually in the middle of the night) worry/ panic about what will happen when she no longer works. V V V little social housing where she lives.

Am I BU to be frustrated she didn’t sort herself out when she really really could have. I do not harp on at her about it, she can’t change the past so there is no point. It just frustrates me no end! And I do love my mum I just want what is best for her. She has never really had to look after herself so I worry. I am an only child. Luckily she does have siblings in her home town who help out.

You seem to have reversed the parent/child relationship here. You said upthread:
DH gets annoyed because he said she won't do things because I just sort it out for her. But if I don't do it, it doesn't get done!

I'd suggest you try to approach this in the same way parents have to let go of children as they grow up: for her to learn, and grow, and be able to take care of herself, you have to let her make mistakes. And you may have to let her fail. It's scary but it is the only way she will learn to do thi gs for herself. And you should do it now, while she is young enough to change. If you wait till she's elderly it will be much harder.

This is a very dysfunctional relationship and you are clearly shouldering worries and responsibilities that are not yours to bear.
I would go to a therapist about this as the problem will be with you for as long as your mother is, and a therapist can help you with boundaries, lessening the worry you are carrying and how to relate to your mother in a healthy way.

She sounds like a drifter but you know her better than us - would she actually want to move in with you if it came to it?

It’s not inevitable if you don’t want it to be- and by that I don’t mean offering her a deposit and filling in forms for her, I mean saying no if she asks you. I also don’t think she wants to buy a house, she’s had plenty of opportunities and hasn’t taken them- maybe she’s actually being responsible in that, recognising that the upkeep and responsibility is realistically not something she would manage well. Maybe she knew you’d be sorting the upkeep and she didn’t want that. Perhaps she knows she’s a bit useless with that stuff.

The thing is it probably will all work out. Who knows where we’ll all be in 10 years? Sure, it’s ideal to have paid off your mortgage by retirement and have a nice cushion of property and a pension pot, but the reality is that many many people don’t have that and they aren’t all on the streets or living with their children. And the thing is, it isn’t YOUR problem to solve. She’s a grown woman and she’s made her choices, they may seem unwise to you but she’ll have her reasons, however much you disagree with them. You do need to learn to leave her to it a bit reach a point where you can accept that doing that doesn’t mean you don’t love her or want her to be ok.

You say you weren’t raised by her but that’s another story. I suspect it isn’t really and without trying to be an internet psychologist and in the kindest possible way you perhaps need to think about why this bothers and worries you so much.

Those saying she won't end up on the streets are being a little naive. If she has a habit of not dealing with stuff and not sorting anything out then it could happen.
I often see it on here, back off and let them sort themselves out, they will step up. Not all will.
But, that doesn't mean it should fall to OP to sort.
Start planning now. Even if it means sending forms off.

You are not responsible for your mother (who is as young as some of friends with 10 year olds btw)

She needs to plan for her own future

You're probably worrying prematurely about this. Your Mum might have been investing in a pension that will continue to cover her rent after she retires. If not and she's reliant on the state pension she may well be eligible for housing benefit. It probably would be wise for her to get onto social housing waiting lists and to build up savings pots if she is not already but she is a grown woman and needs to do these things herself. You can encourage her, but as you've discovered you can't make her do it.

So she hasn’t asked you for anything, never has, but you’re cross she didn’t do what you think she should have done?

Ok then…

You sound quite judgey of your Mum. You might not be aware of all her circumstances and why she made the choices she did. It's up to her to run her life.

I do understand the concern about poorly prepared parents who are getting older. I have two of those myself.

No, she doesn't have to live with you and you aren't responsible for her. Why are you so concerned about responsibility towards her?

You are mad to consider taking in your husbands parent too.

With all due respect op yes she will end up living with you because it’s an option. Your mum will know you will have her so can continue living her life as she is, knowing you will be there to sort it all out. There time to change this rhetoric, stop getting involved and tell her it’s not an option.

Just wondering why you are setting yourself up to care for all the elderly in yours and dh family? And why dh is ok having his parents move in but not yours?

Agree with @HollowTalk and @Somatronic, this is causing you a disproportionate amount of anxiety which may be connected to your childhood and some unresolved resentment about her involvement with you as a parent. You are taking on the parent role to your 'irresponsible' mother. Perhaps some investigation and reflection will allow you to break away from the feelings of guilt and obligation.

From a housing point of view, housing benefit/ universal credit is provided to protect people falling into homelessness. The local authority provide a set monthly amount based on circumstances ie single person requiring one bedroom accommodation which is put towards rent. I worked for a private landlord whose portfolio was about 50% housing benefit/universal credit. It's not necessarily dependent on getting into social housing which is very stretched in the UK. Hopefully she has paid her full contribution for the state pension which you can check on government gateway. Also a well paid job in the past may have given her a private pension to access.

@starfishmummy

DH gets annoyed because he said she won't do things because I just sort it out for her. But if I don't do it, it doesn't get done!

Maybe it doesn't get done because she doesn't want to do it.

Perhaps you and your husband and just need to back off and let her live the life she wants to live.

This. She’ll be fine. If all she has in retirement is her state pension, she’ll be entitled to pension credits. She’ll also get housing benefit.

If I were her I’d be utterly pissed off with someone interfering and trying to micromanage my life. If you really love her just back off @frustrated354.

I think your last paragraph of your initial post pretty much sums it up. You can’t get mad at her about the choices she made in the past. I can see a lot of how you process things in your posts, it’s very logical and practical and it’s frustrating when people don’t see things the same way when it seems completely obvious; if you don’t take care of yourself now, what happens in the future?

Some people genuinely don’t think like that at all though, they just figure things will work out and it’s no big deal. They literally don’t think far ahead, they live in the now presuming things will always work out. You can’t change that though. All you can do is sort yourself out and remember there’s normally government support if things don’t work out for them how they expect.

She already draws down one of her pensions - don't ask me how I don't know. She worked for the NHS for about 20 years (not medical) would she get a pension from that? I know she has not had a private pension since leaving NHS. I'm just being curious I am not going to ask her. She will get state pension then I assume.

I do not micromanage her life I don't give out or go on about any of this. She tell me her money situation I don't ask.

I am hopeful it does sort itself out. I really only have a little panic about this every so often. I thought about it a lot more a few years ago when buying a house with my help was a possibility. The few times we have talked about it she does say she regrets not buying a house.

My thinking would be should we not start putting safety nets in place now but maybe not. I know it is up to her but she doesn't sort things out. Some of the things she puts on the long finger would astound you

My DM is like this and it is only through pure luck that she has ended up with her own home. She worked all her life but never ‘planned’
She now doesn’t have much income but at least has a home. Only for some unforeseen circumstance she wouldn’t have though and I would also have been in your position. I like to think that I could have worked with her to sort out social housing but I am not sure that would have been possible .

However you are still not responsible for her choices

Leave her to it, it’s really not your problem.

No, your mother won't have to live with you as you have no obligation to house her. She had well paying jobs over the years. She lived rent free for a number of years as far as you know.

The reality is that you have tried to help her long term with her housing. She refused to take the deposit you offered to buy a house. She would not even look at house to buy back then.
You can't help someone that not willing to be helped or to listen to good advice they have been given.
It not your problem the deal with now or when she retires. I can understand why your husband does not want her moving in with you especially if you're planning to have a family. You need your families income to support you, him and your child/children and not your mother.

She may have one of the old style NHS pensions which were like a final salary pension ie fixed guaranteed income based on year's of service. Some schemes allow you to take it early although it may reduce the amount of income you get. If she's still working and got the full state pension to look forward to, it doesn't sound dire. I think the issue here is for you to detach from feeling responsible for her. Perhaps avoid any conversations about her finances, change the subject, show minimal interest. She may be hinting for you to look after her in future but you are perfectly reasonable to not engage in this. Also as an only child you are getting the full force of this, you have no one to share it with and I am guessing that she's always been a dependent/needy personality ie not parenting you, dependent on her partners for accommodation/finance.

The NHS pension is excellent - if she worked for 20 years in a reasonably well-paid role, she will get a decent pension.

Also, on the older NHS pension schemes, member can draw at least part of their pension from age 60.

@Octomore That's good to know. The pension she is drawing has nothing to do with her NHS work, so that should hopefully all still be there.

Those asking about DHs parents living with us in old age. It's something my MIL asked him. It will be when one of them dies and the other feels unable to keep living alone. It will only ever be at the very end as they live very close by and I can't imagine have any desire to give up their home. But we will help them in their very old age. My mum could (in my worst thoughts) live with us for 20 years!! I obviously want her to live until she is very old but not with me.

I will step back, I did find an over 55s mini bungalow place in my home town. Never knew it existed. I am going to ask her if she'd like to go on the list for that.

I do not think my mum is an infirm elderly person who can't do anything for herself. She has clearly go by this far. I just want to try help that her life in old age will be smooth, and by default mine.

You are entitled to feel frustrated with her. They are your feelings to have.

But Op I think you really need to work out why you feel such excessive responsibility for your mother, in both how she lives her life now and for the future. I am guessing she was an emotionally unavailable mother to you as a child and you may have felt a need to prove your love (and gain her love & attention) through taking on the 'adult' role too young. Speaking from experience, that sort of neglect can result in strange parent-child dynamics as an adult.

You also clearly have a personality type that needs stability, plans and security, quite common for children who had an unsettled, anxious childhood and 'absent' parents. Whereas she is far more laid back, floats through life and just reacts when things happen. Those styles are bound to clash and cause you worry.

Until you can let go and not have these worries and panics about her, you will never feel truly relaxed. (Stop looking at house prices for her!). Whether it's counselling or just reading around the subject I'd recommend finding ways to understand yourself better, which will help you understand her too. Your SiL is right, she must be left to make her own decisions and your DH is right, you 'rescuing' all the time isn't helping her either. (She might even see it as you interfering)

I'd also say be careful about the committent to your parent's in law too. Caring for very elderly people with health issues or dementia is incredibly difficult and not something to be done lightly. You and your DH need to agree this promise may have to be reviewed when/if the time comes, depending on the circumstances you face at that point, and which you cannot currently predict.

Bless you for being concerned but really you have to stop stressing yourself over this.
There’s no law that says your DM has to live with you.
Yes, she’s had opportunities to save money and I would have prioritised that, so might you but she didn’t and that was her choice.
There are other housing options. She could live in a bed sit, a studi apartment, a house share, a caravan or mobile home.
I’d say only if you own an estate and have a separate house / cottage available for your mum, then step back for your own well being.

I voted YABU because you seriously need to drop the rope. She is not your responsibility in any way. She is not vulnerable in the sense of additional needs and she has created this situation all by herself. By all accounts she seems content with how her life is and has resisted your good natured meddling.

Leave her to it.

Tbh that doesn’t sound like you stepping back. It sounds like you continuing to enable her.