Urgent - how do I quit this job tonight?

[Insuchafuckingbind]

I need to write an email explaining I'm withdrawing from a freelance gig I was doing. But we haven't had a contract which makes it easier.

I cannot cope with it, I love the organisation which makes it hard but I'm overwhelmed by panic and never want to speak to any of them again.

What should I say?

Hey, be kind to yourself. Its not about being smart enough - it's that your brain is wired differently. You are not a failure - you just face a challenge most people don't face.

Oh OP, your explanation is so clear, it sounds horrendous. Have you ever taken anti anxiety medication? Would it be OK with your other issues?

Honestly, you can spend years thinking "if only I was different", but so many people with adhd have anxiety, simply because it makes life so difficult.

Can you talk to your doctor about anxiety? Surely it's worth a go?

Look at it this way. You may still feel you're shit at everything, but at least you'll feel calmer. That's got to be a positive, right? (I'm being devils advocate of course, it's the anxiety and adhd that's making life impossible).

Erm, are you me? Honestly, recently been in a similar situation and also have ADHD.

Def. use unforeseen personal reasons or tell them that you don’t feel it’s a good fit. It was a huge weight off my mind when I quit mine and wasn’t nearly as painful to do.

Also can you think about getting medicated? I appreciate it’s not that easy. The expense (private diagnosis as on the half decade long NHS waiting list) is almost unbearable but what has reassured me is that once I’m medicated I should, in theory, be able to earn more money as I will be able to focus.

As others have said, be kind to yourself. The last thing you need is to just allow this one minor blip to spiral you into more negative thinking. I suffer with anxiety too and it’s like tunnel vision once you start panicking and hurtling down that path. Life’s too short to do things you hate all day just because it’s ‘work’. There are ways of getting money that aren’t so awful and don’t cause your mental health to suffer. I’m about to quit my job for the same reason and it’s taken me 2 years to build up the courage to do it.

Take a deep breath, have a nice long bath (if you’re like me and love a bath), think what it is you would like to do. Forget everything else and just take small steps towards something that doesn’t make you feel like shit because I can guarantee you are not

I freelanced as a creative for years and I've also commissioned many freelance illustrators, designers, photographers and writers.

You say you have no contract. Do you have an agreement in writing — because that could be considered a contract if someone wants to make your life difficult. Have you received an advance or will you invoice on delivery? Is the deadline looming or have you just realised that what they're asking for is more time-consuming or difficult than anticipated?

If you've had an advance, or if you've accepted a simple-sounding commission that's turned into a complex nightmare then calm yourself down and go back and negotiate — and if necessary give the advance back if you can't find a way of working through.

I've had people cancel on me with reasons ranging from sick children, elderly parents having accidents and having to go and look after them, illness and unforeseen admission to hospital. Covid is a great way out at the moment. Frankly most freelancers are expected to battle on through and deliver if it's a relatively contained task.

The only projects I've ever walked away from have been those where I've been commissioned to do a specific job and then the brief has kept changing. If it's one of those situations, I'd say that you'd allowed 2 or 5 or 14 days (or whatever) for the work and you have other jobs scheduled and, with regret, having done the work agreed you now have to move on to other contracted projects.

It sounds as if freelancing, with all its unknown unknowns and deadlines, is going to be difficult for you until you manage to get the professional help you need.

I'm sorry to hear you're so distraught.

The message the PP posted was perfect.

Is there any type of music on youtube you find relaxing?
Put some of that on for yourself.
If you have a favorite breathing pattern like 4 7 8 or box breathing do that.
Hopefully that will get you past the worst of the attack.

See about getting some medication too when you can. You didn't mention what country you're in but in many countries you can find the medicine discounted.

I live with it every day so I try to reach out when someone is in distress on here.

This was me last year. You are NOT useless OP. Sending love to you x

Op you don't have to do this job.

Your mental health is more important.

You could get signed off with a sick note tomorrow if you ring your gp. Tell them it's a mental health emergency. If you can't get an appointment, go sick until you can. Just an option to suggest.

If you don't think that's a good idea, use one of the excellent suggestions saying 'unforeseen circumstances'.

It is ok to do this. I say this as someone who broke down one day unable to cope any longer and left a job I'd had for 10 years. It was the RIGHT decision for me. I called in sick initially but never went back. I was a mess but can confirm I made it through. You will too.

Insuchafuckingbind IDK if this will help, but if you need to earn money, can you use your skills to write about your field instead of working to a schedule with clients? There are website online where you can sell tutorials.

You’ll be ok! I’m awake having a panic for similar reasons, you are not alone. You will get through it and in the morning it won’t seem so bad.

Oh OP you're me. Except I wasn't freelance but the job role role was very very 'set your own calendar' lots of dashing to one meeting in one venue, then direct work with a client somewhere else then 15 minutes to kill before a group session online....I know that I'm actually fucking brilliant at the actual nuts and bolts part of the job but all the admin and planning stuff was promoting exactly the white hot panic you're describing.

I crashed and crashed hard. Looking back this has been a pattern throughout my life but it's only this year I've realised it's ADHD. I should reach the top of the waiting list sometime next year. I'm pinning every hope on medication making a difference.

Anyway, I got signed off and the relief was indescribable. That was a couple of months ago. I'm still signed off. I have now handed in my notice and had a really honest conversation with the higher ups. We're all hoping very much that I'll be able ti return in a couple of years once my brain is more sorted out. For the interim I'm looking at jobs I can do standing on my head. I have a lot of experience in one sector. I'm going back to the very beginning of that sector essentially. It's going to be a bit shit but it's also likely to be a term time only position so I'm trying to see the positives. I'm going to be quite poor for a couple of years. I still feel relieved that I won't be feeling the panic that was mounting daily. One day I really really hope to be returning to that job but not now. At the moment I'm not well enough for it.

I obviously can't suggest anything with regards to your situation and medication-is it something that insurance can cover? Is it a case of you being on a waiting list? But please know OP that you're not alone and you're not shit or worthless. You're just swimming against the most almighty tide of trying to function in a world that isn't built for you. And it's so so bloody hard and exhausting to do that. For now just stop. Get some rest. Heal. And then think of next steps

It will go down better from the company's perspective if you recommend a replacement.
Then focus on getting some counselling/medicaiton for your anxiety and adhd.

Jobs, my degree, everything. I can't focus and then I panic so much it feels like it's damaging me on a massive scale and I have to escape.

Jobs that you got through an interview process and successfully were offered a job. A degree that you went through years of schooling and obtained qualifications for to be accepted on. And even better if you completed that degree.

Problem with ADHD is we tend to be perfectionists - rather than celebrating the fact we completed a task, we look at all the things we did wrong to get to that point (delays, disorganisation, minor or even major mistakes). I used to talk myself down like you do now, but then I started keeping a done list. Instead of a to-do list I write down (or think about) all the things I've "done" at the end of the day. Things that I struggle with like loading and emptying the dishwasher, cooking a fresh meal, getting the kids to bed on time, completing a work project, sending that one-liner email that I keep putting off , doing admin. Rather than focusing on the fact that I didn't load the dishwasher the previous day and left all the plates piled overnight - I think about the fact that despite the mental-block feeling like I was swimming in treacle to do the task, I still (eventually) got that shit done. I realise that I will never be Marie Kondo or Sheryl Sandberg but I'm still so fucking proud of myself. And you should be proud of yourself too.

Don't focus on the fact that you wouldn't be alive if your husband wasn't there. Likelihood is you would. We tend to respond to the necessities of our situation. I have found it harder to maintain jobs now I'm married and I think a slight part of that is knowing I don't absolutely need to - I have the financial option to quit. But when I didn't think I had that option, I spent years in a job that completely wrecked my confidence and that is my biggest regret. I should have quit as soon as I realised that place was toxic (on my first day on the job). Like PP have said - your mental health is the priority. Walking away to preserve your peace of mind doesn't make you useless, it makes you sensible.

Once you have quit and had time to gather your thoughts again, you can take time to figure out things you love doing and tend to hyperfocus on, and how you might be able to make any of those into an income. Also have you tried ADHD medication? The right one could really help your focus.

I hear you op. I've been in your situation (also unmedicated adhd) Sleeping on it can give some clarity but if you're in a panic I realise that the need to manage it is immediate.

Recognising your need for self care is vital. Will ditching the gig impact you financially?

Poor you OP uou sound like you have hit some sort of ADHD wall. My sister has it and sometimes gets into panic mode where her head won't let her focus and she gets hypervigilant and very fight or flight. Do what you need to do, you are not shit, maybe copy and paste some of the replies from here. Go to your GP and get help, so sorry 😞

You must be exhausted living with that level of anxiety, you poor thing. Send the email and talk to your GP about anxiety meds and counseling. You don't need to be like this.

You're not useless, you're unwell and you can't help that. It's not a character flaw or personal failing that you're not coping. OP are ADHD meds available in your country? If they are and are compatible with your other meds and you can afford it, I'd speak to the doctor about getting some. The truth is ADHD is preventing you from working. You've said it isn't just this contract or or this type of job, it's any job or studying you do. You could try medicating the anxiety but that might not be enough because if the anxiety is caused by ADHD the problem will still be there. Medicating the anxiety might help you have better quality of life but it might not enable you to work. It also might be totally unnecessary to medicate the anxiety if you're not trying to do something you can't do, ie work. Does your country have welfare benefits for those too sick to work? Would you qualify since your partner has a wage? No need to answer any of this, the questions are for you not me. .

I am starting to get a little bit chippy and resentful though - I don't feel as if all the fine words and slogans about inclusivity have reached us yet. Still feel people are dismissing us as lazy underachievers without realising the effort it took to be 50% as "good" at the work as them was about 300% more.

Wouldn't pin your hopes on slogans, inclusivity etc. I don't think those things cause people to acknowledge the extra effort that goes into doing things others find easy and ordinary. IMO it just means some people refuse to recognise or accept that there are people sufficiently unwell from their condition as to be unable to work. Unless they very obviously look unwell. Special measures are supposed to somehow fix everything and of course it can't, not for everyone.

Send the ‘due to unforeseen health/personal circumstances’ email. Then STOP being so hard on yourself.

Living with ADHD is hard. Have a proper mental rest and then when you’re more rested get some support to make a proper plan re: medication and self-care.

You definitely aren't useless, so lets move that off the table.

Who is your contact for this job, can you talk to them honestly - is there something you could ask for that would make the job do-able?

That's not a pushy question, sometimes there is, sometimes there isn't!

I once had to produce a course for someone elses organisation, in a thing I do all the time but... I had never done a course. Time was ticking on and I got in a right state.. and when I unpicked it all with a good friend, it turned out the real reason was, I didn't really understand how to use the bloody software, that was all.

I talked to the person who hired me, explained my anxiety, she was fine, told me not to worry about the niggly bits, my friend figured out how the software worked and talked me through it - job got done, everyone happy (and the course has had great feedback!).

On the other hand I had another job, working for someone who in hindsight, had set alarm bells ringing in my head long before I agreed to the job, she was a nightmare from day 1, not only did she keep altering the brief but she was late to pay, never paid in full at each payment stage and needed to be chased for info, for payment, for everything. On top of that, she'd inviegled her way into my social media and was commenting on everything I posted, commenting on my health issues, commenting on what I ATE.. fucking food policing me.... It all got too much and whilst I finished the job and she was happy with it, it was so horrendous a piece of work Ive never put it in my portfolio and I have since blocked her so she can't pressure me again (she had a ton more 'projects' she was absolutely adamant we would work on together!)

If I had my time over again I'd say no, hell no, I don't want to so I won't.. but you live and learn.

I now mostly work with someone who knows me very well, so I can ask her to break a job down, I don't feel stupid if I have to ask what something means, and she deals with the 'talking to suity corporate types' so I don't have to. Yes she earns something for this but the percentage she gets is MASSIVELY outweighed by the stress she relieves and I get jobs via her and with her I'd NEVER get any other way. IF you can find someone like that to collaborate with.. I would really advise it (might not be appropriate with what you do, I dunno!).

If you do decide that you simply cannot or just do not want to, do this job - fine, thats the beauty of freelance - 'I am sorry my health condition has worsened meaning I am currently unable to work and don't know when I will be available'.. if you don't feel like saying 'I don't want to'.
We get to pick and choose and whilst there is pressure to say yes to everything... it's not necessary, in fact it's damn unhealthy! I found by saying no to stuff that doesn't totally light my fire.. I am SO much happier, more productive and in fact, more sought after for the sorts of jobs I want, than when I was saying yes to everyone and their dog (literally!).

I don't know if there's a way of doing this without massively burning bridges

The whole thing is massively distressing me now. I can't cope with it, but having to admit I can't cope and will be letting them down in a very real fashion is killing me.

It's more people who will hate me because I'm such a mess.

It's only part time and I still can't manage it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not fit to function in the real world, it makes me hate myself sometimes.

Due to personal reasons which I cannot detail, please accept this email as my withdrawal from attending (insert 'gig' here)
I hope it goes well for the other attendees but this will be my only communication on the matter.
Yours....etc.

You've had some great advice op. But one thing to remember is if you weren't good at your job I'm sure they would have replaced you, which they haven't, so your fears about not being good enough could be unwarranted. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Oh OP...I totally get you. The anxiety and shit self esteem of ADHD is just awful. I'm medicated but that just calms the storm for a few hours.

OP, would it help to imagine in your own mind how you would word the email and how you’d expect them to react if you’d had a sudden physical health crisis? If you had appendicitis or had been in an accident? Because a mental health crisis is just as valid.

I would just say you’ve had an unexpected health crisis; that you so very sorry and feel terrible about letting them down but can’t continue on the project. Here’s everything you’ve done so far, wish them every success for their project etc etc. Then put your out of office on, delete your email account from your phone for a few days, maybe ask your husband to check it once every few days on your computer in case any urgent queries come in etc.

Longer term, would you be able to find the money to trial some medication for 3/6 months? If it helped you be more stable and able to work if would very quickly pay for itself…

It’s ok to not be ok.