Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to visit today? Very sore

106 replies

newbornbubble · 11/04/2022 09:01

Had DS on Friday by c-section and was home by Saturday. MIL and FIL haven't seen him yet as we wasn't discharged until late Saturday then they wasn't able to visit yesterday. My mum was here helping us and BIL visited yesterday.

I sat downstairs all day yesterday as BIL visited and didn't want to feel rude and by the end of the night I was in so much pain.

I just want a day in bed today with OH and the kids then happy for them to visit tomorrow. Or do I just suck it up and get on with it? I know OH is dying for them to meet him and I don't want them to feel like I'm leaving them out as my mum has been here.

OP posts:
RishiRich · 11/04/2022 10:40

Stay in bed and don't feel guilty about getting the rest you need after major surgery.

Cluelessmouse · 11/04/2022 10:42

Fgs good luck to the DILs of the pp bleating about what’s fair.
Why is what is ‘fair’ to PILs the priority over a new mum recovering from birth.
Also her mother coming round isn’t her whole family, her mother is likely also helping her child, not just seeing her DGC.

Op if PIL are reasonable people could they pop in with a strict time limit so they can meet the baby and then you can make a new time with them, maybe tomorrow for another visit.
Bil shouldn’t have overstayed his welcome yday, no one should be staying very long at this point. Your MIL will hopefully get this better than BIL
try to find a way to get people to leave that you’re comfortable with or a way for you to be comfortable going to bed whilst people are there

And congratulations!

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 11/04/2022 10:47

stay in your pj's and stay in bed until they come. Then go and see them for a short time saying that you aren't feeling great. You can arrange something when you are feeling better. Then pop off to bed again. If they are decent they'll understand.

PlainJaneEyre · 11/04/2022 10:51

Be generous and allow them to come for 30 mins to an hour max. Your DH says you aren't feeling so good and he manages the situation. TBH you don't even need to get up. The child is your DH's too. There's no need for tea and cakes - it's that little baby they want to see.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/04/2022 10:51

Everyone has given you really practical advice about letting DH deal with his parents (and his own children) while you rest. Why be a martyr and 'suffer through' if you're going to be in pain?

StageRage · 11/04/2022 10:53

The problem was BIL staying all day.

Let them come - SHORT VISIT.

AnnaMagnani · 11/04/2022 10:53

Your issue isn't the PILs, or your DH, it's your inability to prioritise your own needs.

Why were you not able to say to BIL 'I'm bloody uncomfortable now, me and baby are off to bed' after an hour?

Why do you feel it is rude to have your PILs visit and see you and baby in bed?

You are not hosting a reception, they've come to see a newborn baby and a mum who has just had a CSection, no-one is expecting much and if they are they are gits.

Having a baby is hard and the first thing you need to learn is to look after yourself as a happy mum=happy baby.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 11/04/2022 10:55

Then OH's brother visited all day yesterday. I think I will just suck it up then don't want to look or feel like I am leaving people out
No, don't stuck it up, you are exhausted and in recovery. Let them come for a cuppa and a cuddle, with a strict 1 hour time limit. It doesn't matter how long it is since you saw them last, its too much for you and you need to stay in bed.

PaperTyger · 11/04/2022 11:04

I guess the issues is length of time.
How long do they have to see the sleeping baby for?
Surely a Very quick visit?
Op remains in bed because yesterday with bil exhausted her.

Pils see baby,tea And go.

??

Personally I always feel new mums should come first when they have carried then birthed a baby.
The Day of any birth, is the most dangerous Day of mum's and babies life.
I think new mums should be the absolute priority and it says much about people who don't understand this.

Datsandcogs · 11/04/2022 11:11

I think you’ve made a good choice to allow the visit. Hopefully they are sensitive than BIL and won’t outstay their welcome. Maybe a text in advance warning them you’ve overdone things and may need to go back to bed.

tinyt137 · 11/04/2022 11:17

I wouldn't even think twice about going up and having a nap while the in-laws hold the baby. You don't need to be polite, use their visit to rest!

Weirdsituationworries · 11/04/2022 11:22

The problem here is not the family members visiting but hospitals sending people home the day after a C Section.

I speak as one who has had 4 C Sections so I do know what I am talking about.

7eleven · 11/04/2022 11:32

I always wonder how the ‘all and sundry’ people will feel in 30 years when their sons have babies and they become the ‘all and sundry’.

hesbeen2021 · 11/04/2022 11:34

I think people readily forget that a C section is major surgery. Mine were some years ago and I was in for 7 days with the first and 4 days with the second. When people visited in hospital there's no way I could have entertained.
Treat this as recovery from any major operation, stay in bed and heal and also allow your PIL to meet their new GC

CoralPaperweight · 11/04/2022 11:36

Not this sort of thread again! Why do women think that family wishes / wants trump their own medical needs. OP you need to recover and frankly it won't be the end of the world if PIL have to wait another day or two. BIL shouldn't have been there all day either ...

Dinoteeth · 11/04/2022 11:36

@Weirdsituationworries

The problem here is not the family members visiting but hospitals sending people home the day after a C Section. I speak as one who has had 4 C Sections so I do know what I am talking about.
This is true, if you speak to women who had babies in the 70s they were in hospital for 5 days or 7 day is if they needed a c-section.

But in Ops case BIL should have been told to make himself useful or scarce.

Mycatsgoldtooth · 11/04/2022 11:38

I let people come up to my bed to say hi and the baby went downstairs for an hour while I slept.

EggBurger · 11/04/2022 11:38

I haven't seen them in a few weeks either so sitting upstairs whilst they visit isn't an option I would feel rude

It is an option and it's not rude at all. Unless they're a bit dim they'll understand perfectly well that you've had major abdominal surgery and need to rest.

Hugasauras · 11/04/2022 11:41

Slightly off-topic but I found sitting or lying down for hours the absolute worst thing for C-section pain. It was always far more painful after I'd been stationary for a length of time, so I found gentle walking around even when still in the hospital was vital. If they do come round, maybe try getting up and about, even just shuffling around to kitchen and back every so often, to see if that helps. Sitting in a chair for hours would have been murder for me!

TopCatsTopHat · 11/04/2022 12:24

Everyone involved should be avoiding draining the new mother who has just had a major operation. Which is what a c section is.
If the visit has to happen for family political reasons you're dp should make sure none of the onus is on you.
If you're in a family who can't see the necessity of this it's a great shame. Anyone who loves that baby should know protecting its mum to support full and speedy recovery is number 1 priority, support mum =support baby.

jowly · 11/04/2022 12:39

The attitudes of some towards MILs is just awful.

They want to see their grand child as much as the maternal grandparents. Dad probably wants to show him off just as much as mum does to her parents to.

PIL are not all callous, self centred and thoughtless. Just a quick chat and say you're back off to bed.

MILs did have babies themselves you know...

RedBeetroot12 · 11/04/2022 12:40

Aw tricky one. I think family is family and as long as they are understanding, compassionate and helpful then I don’t see why they can’t just come over for a brief visit to meet your baby. Hope you get better soon.

DockOTheBay · 11/04/2022 13:07

@jytdtysrht

What did they do on Sunday that was more important than meeting the baby?

For that reason, I’d not really worry about telling them you need today as rest.

Off the top of my head: Work, hospital/other appointment, caring responsibilities for child or older relative, wedding/funeral/christening. There are a lot of good reasons to be honest
courgettigreensadwater · 11/04/2022 13:22

@custardbear

Say hello and leave them with your DH whilst you get some rest. Do this with all visitors. Your needs come first, Along with your baby's Congratulations!
💯
LookItsMeAgain · 11/04/2022 13:34

Why didn't your OH kick his brother out after an hour or two? To stay the whole day was just thoughtless...

If you can manage 5-10 mins with the PiL I'd do that and then let your OH look after the baby and his parents.

You've had major surgery and you need to allow your body to recover from this.

I don't understand the rush to discharge women from maternity wards when they have had a c-section. I was in hospital for 5 days after mine. They were very careful with the recovery of the wound. I was in hospital for 3 days following the vbac of my second child. Such a conveyor belt of care that you're lucky if you manage a few hours after having a baby before you're kicked out.

Use this time to recover. It's time you will never get back.