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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to visit today? Very sore

106 replies

newbornbubble · 11/04/2022 09:01

Had DS on Friday by c-section and was home by Saturday. MIL and FIL haven't seen him yet as we wasn't discharged until late Saturday then they wasn't able to visit yesterday. My mum was here helping us and BIL visited yesterday.

I sat downstairs all day yesterday as BIL visited and didn't want to feel rude and by the end of the night I was in so much pain.

I just want a day in bed today with OH and the kids then happy for them to visit tomorrow. Or do I just suck it up and get on with it? I know OH is dying for them to meet him and I don't want them to feel like I'm leaving them out as my mum has been here.

OP posts:
TwoShades1 · 11/04/2022 09:47

Just stay in bed! I was in bed when SIL and BIL visited the first time after DD was born. They just came in the bedroom and sat on the end of the bed.

MiddleParking · 11/04/2022 09:53

Really do not push yourself to do more than you feel capable of. I have a lot of regrets about how my c section recovery went, partly because of pressuring myself, and allowing other people to pressure me, into doing more hosting than I should have.

Popcornriver · 11/04/2022 09:54

We had lots of people show up to meet the baby after my csection without even letting us know they were coming so I was in bed for a couple of visits. My grandparents came at the same time as the midwife visit and DH had to escort them out to the garden while the midwife looked at my stitches!

I wouldn't ask them not to come but if you're in pain and want to lie down you're not rude to go to bed. I'd say they were rude if they were upset by that.

toomuchlaundry · 11/04/2022 09:59

I’m hoping BIL is not dad to the nephews the PIL were looking after yesterday

LBFseBrom · 11/04/2022 09:59

@zafferana

Honestly, I think it's a bit mean to cancel you PIL when you've had two days of your own family visiting and you had no problem with that. If you feel sore, stay in bed, your OH can make the tea and do the heavy lifting.
That.

Your parents in law may actually do a few helpful things while they are there.

You've only just had quite a big abdominal operation, nobody is going to expect you to be on the ball and entertaining them. On the contrary, they will be looking after you.

Don't exclude these grandparents, they will be hurt. Just try to ensure the visit will not be too long and that you can rest during it.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby and I hope you recover from your section soon.

Tabitha789 · 11/04/2022 10:02

You have just had major surgery. It's absolutely no problem to cancel or remove yourself! Honestly look after you xxx

Fulmine · 11/04/2022 10:05

I haven't seen them in a few weeks either so sitting upstairs whilst they visit isn't an option I would feel rude.

Honestly, you had major surgery less than three days ago. It really wouldn't be rude. At most come downstairs to say hallo and go straight back up again.

megletthesecond · 11/04/2022 10:06

Yanbu. You are recovering.
I had this and it was awful. In pain and I had no interest to see people. They took DS off me for two hours and let me make tea. (Yes, XP was a shit).

Surreyhillsmama · 11/04/2022 10:13

I’m having a c section and my plan is to stay in bed resting when my (lovely) PILs come to visit, which they will be dying to do, naturally. DH can entertain, etc. Depending on how I feel, I may pop down to say hello, but recalling how much pain I was in post surgery for having my appendix removed, I can only presume the fuss I’m going to make after major abdominal surgery Grin

We shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that nobody would be expected to entertain or even get out of bed after any kind of major surgery, but for some reason, a c section doesn’t seem to count Confused

MaudieandMe · 11/04/2022 10:14

@onepieceoflollipop

Aaaah - they were busy the entire day yesterday as they prioritised taking nephews to football?

Ok for me that is a little different. They chose this over an invitation to meet their grandchild for the first time - and they couldn’t put themselves out for even a short visit before or after the football?

In your shoes I would be offended BUT I may be projecting due to the horrendous behaviour (hundreds of times) by my own PILs,

Wow, you’re clearly precious and a bit bonkers too. Your poor PIL’s.

I’m pretty sure the OP’s PIL didn’t actively prioritise their other grandchildren just to be annoying. Far more likely that they promised to take them to football and didn’t want to let their older grandchildren down at the last minute.

I don’t understand why you feel it’s essential to visit a newborn baby within 48 hours of birth? She won’t have a clue who anyone is other than her own mum.

My son and partner will be visiting us at Easter and granddaughter will be 11 months old. This is the first time we’ll have seen her since she was born as we live abroad. Thankfully, my lovely DIL is not uptight and bonkers. Grin

ChloeHel · 11/04/2022 10:16

So many posts about postponing IL’s meeting babies ATM!

OP don’t be silly thinking you have to stay downstairs otherwise you’d feel rude. IL’s aren’t heartless zombies that don’t understand human pain. Go down say hello, chat for a minute and then say right I’m off upstairs as in a bit of pain. Simple. I don’t think they will care.

I’m currently pregnant with DC2 and I’ve been so ill with hyperemesis and bed bound. MIL has come over to see DD1, I’ve gone downstairs, said hello, and then back to bed. Treat them as you would your own family.

Goldfishjones · 11/04/2022 10:16
  1. cancel the visit, say you are not well
  2. let them come but you stay in bed
  3. let them come and meet the baby and ask in advance if they could please take your other children out for two hours afterwards so that you and DH can rest.

All reasonable options. Stand up for yourself

Toddlerteaplease · 11/04/2022 10:16

It would be really mean. He's just as much their grandchild as your parents. And your husband's baby too!

Dinoteeth · 11/04/2022 10:20

I would be tempted to tell MIL thar BILs long visit yesterday was a bit long. Hopefully she'll make him realise you don't go and sit all day in a new mums house.

Pregnagainagain · 11/04/2022 10:24

I’d stay in bed and keep the baby with me… they can come upstairs and see you and the baby (see that you are recovering and bonding) then they can go back downstairs and have some time to chat with your DH and the kids and come back up and say bye and have another baby cuddle when they leave.

AxolotlEars · 11/04/2022 10:26

I have been in your exact situation and was still in hospital. With hindsight I do wish I had asked them to come the next day. My SIL was pushy with her own plans to see baby but my husband just said no we'll let you know after Axolotl has actually had the baby! If your PIL don't live too far away ask your partner to ring them and explain that you're unwell and can you reschedule. You can't work out what people will think or make decisions based on that. Look after yourself

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 11/04/2022 10:28

@Pregnagainagain

I’d stay in bed and keep the baby with me… they can come upstairs and see you and the baby (see that you are recovering and bonding) then they can go back downstairs and have some time to chat with your DH and the kids and come back up and say bye and have another baby cuddle when they leave.
Perfect!
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/04/2022 10:28

Your bil stayed all day? You have both a dh problem and a problem prioritising yourself. You’ve just had major abdominal surgery. The visit should have been short. In a couple of weeks, your dh will be back at work I presume. You need as much rest as possible now to help you to heal as quickly as is possible.

LindaEllen · 11/04/2022 10:28

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

You can stay in bed. Its weird that you were ok with your family coming over but now that the PIL's are coming you want a reason not to see them. You can stay in bed and they can see the baby with your H
Why is it weird? She's sore, knackered, and feeling very vulnerable right now. Why is it weird that she would be okay with her family, who she feels comfortable with, coming round - but not DP's family, who she may feel she has to entertain/put on a front for etc?

If I was in that situation after major surgery (putting aside what that surgery was for!) I would want DP's family well away from me - the only trickiness is the fact that obviously there's a baby they want to see.

I'd echo what PPs have said. Let DP deal with it, you stay in bed.

BlueOverYellow · 11/04/2022 10:33

I think the real issue is why on earth did you/DH allow BIL to stay all day? You just had major surgery, are in a lot of pain, likely exhausted running on hormones and fumes, and are trying to feed a new baby.

Your DH sucks as a gatekeeper. Tell him to enforce boundaries, restrict visits and times, or no one that isn't helpful to you gets in.

BeeDavis · 11/04/2022 10:35

Your mum has seen baby, let them too.

Beamur · 11/04/2022 10:36

I'd let them come. Your DH can take the baby downstairs. You stay in bed until the baby needs a feed. Then either you collect the baby (good to get up and walk around a bit) or DH brings the baby to you. Visit done. Your DH can explain that you're sore and not up to a long visit but you'd love them to come and say hello.

Norgie · 11/04/2022 10:36

Stay in bed and let your OH do the hosting.
My lovely d.i.l stayed in bed after arriving home when she had the baby, everyone understood and no one minded.
I just popped my head round her bedroom door to give her a bouquet of flowers and a cuppa I'd made for her.
Everyone was happy.

NetflixMom21 · 11/04/2022 10:39

I think it’s a bit unfair to cancel when your mum has been allowed round and to meet the baby, if you feel worse then go for a lay down, your partner can introduce the baby to his parents. Congratulations!

viques · 11/04/2022 10:39

@newbornbubble

No my mum was here taking care of the kids whilst we was in hospital I came back home Saturday and she left yesterday. PIL couldn't come yesterday as they had to take nephews to football.

Then OH's brother visited all day yesterday. I think I will just suck it up then don't want to look or feel like I am leaving people out. I haven't seen them in a few weeks either so sitting upstairs whilst they visit isn't an option I would feel rude.

Of course it’s not rude! You have just had a major operation, a few years ago you would still be in hospital, possibly still in bed.

Get DP to make sure bed linen is clean, pinch all the pillows in the house and make a safe and cosy nest for you and the baby,wear your best pj / dressing gown, and prepare to hold court for a quarter of an hour then waft them all away downstairs for DP to feed them tea and biscuits ( and make sure he brings you one too) . Remember they haven’t come to see you, they just want to marvel at your new baby. Congratulations btw.

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