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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to visit today? Very sore

106 replies

newbornbubble · 11/04/2022 09:01

Had DS on Friday by c-section and was home by Saturday. MIL and FIL haven't seen him yet as we wasn't discharged until late Saturday then they wasn't able to visit yesterday. My mum was here helping us and BIL visited yesterday.

I sat downstairs all day yesterday as BIL visited and didn't want to feel rude and by the end of the night I was in so much pain.

I just want a day in bed today with OH and the kids then happy for them to visit tomorrow. Or do I just suck it up and get on with it? I know OH is dying for them to meet him and I don't want them to feel like I'm leaving them out as my mum has been here.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2022 09:21

I haven't seen them in a few weeks either so sitting upstairs whilst they visit isn't an option I would feel rude

Of course it's an option. You've just had a baby and major surgery. No one is expecting you to entertain people. You're making this a problem when it isn't one. Stay in bed.

pictish · 11/04/2022 09:22

Personally I’d hate to think that the new mum I was visiting was sitting in polite pain and discomfort while I remained oblivious.
It is ok to say you need to be in bed and resting. So long as you are welcoming and honest about your condition, they’ll be grand. Bet you.

Hankunamatata · 11/04/2022 09:23

Just go to bed and stay there. Get dh to tell them your not feeling great and let him entertain

Holly60 · 11/04/2022 09:23

Would you be happy to stay in bed whilst they visit for an hour? DH needs to be clear it’s a short visit to meet DS and then they can come over again when you are feeling better/they can pop in to help around the house/with older child.

I think it’s really important for you to rest - I speak as someone whose DD and DDIL have both had babies- you need to put you and new DS first.

I’m sure that they won’t think your mum coming over to help you is in any way unfair. I made sure I was really useful to DD and DDIL (and snuck in little cuddles around that Grin) and I know they both appreciated that we didn’t just come and sit for hours at a time drinking tea

onepieceoflollipop · 11/04/2022 09:24

If I was them and knew BIL had stayed a whole day I’d feel a bit Hmm at being told not to come today

However families are complicated and perhaps they ‘dissed’ you yesterday by prioritising their own plans?
Or perhaps they are nasty people who ONLY want a full day’s visit to you today with at least 2 catered meals and unlimited hot and cold drinks? And feel this would be their ‘right’?

It depends on what type of people they are, if they are generally lovely and you have a good relationship, why not just say how tired you are.
Offer a shorter visit today as you really want them to meet baby asap.
Or if distance makes that not suitable then offer a longer visit at some point this week.
Tbh if it was my dgc I would be prepared to travel for hours even for a half hour visit if it meant I got to meet them more quickly. Your PILs may be different.

Mine were vile. MIL initially delayed meeting dgc2 due to a problem with her hair appointment (I am not making this up)

Amybelle88 · 11/04/2022 09:24

I'm fed up of the narrative that "it's mean to do that to PIL", it's fucking rude for anyone to expect a woman who's just given birth to welcome all and sundry into her home.

You can't predict when your pain will hit but I found it was a few days after giving birth, when my adrenaline settled.

You NEED to rest, you've had MAJOR surgery.

PIL can wait another couple of days until you're ok and well enough, the baby will still look exactly the same.

It is not your duty to worry about everyone else after you've given birth when they are disregarding you to just appease themselves.

abigailsnan · 11/04/2022 09:25

I would expect my DIL to stay in bed and just pop in to see new baby your OH sounds very caperable so just leave him to it his mum will be proud of him.
Take care sweetie & congratulations on your new addition to the family Flowers

shampooing · 11/04/2022 09:26

OP has had her DH's family, his brother was there.
I didn't want to be away from my baby at that point as wanted as much skin to skin as possible to get breastfeeding established.

However OP learn from yesterday, if they do come you don't have to host. Don't be a martyr and then feel tired.

I didn't have any visitors for a lot longer but when I did I didn't care about being 'fair' to visitors.

toomuchlaundry · 11/04/2022 09:27

Why was BIL there all day? How far do PIL live? Is it possible for a quick visit and then a longer visit when you are feeling up to it?

Dinoteeth · 11/04/2022 09:28

Actually it was a bit selfish of BIL to sit all day.
But I think you need to suck it up for an hour then head back to bed.

onepieceoflollipop · 11/04/2022 09:28

Aaaah - they were busy the entire day yesterday as they prioritised taking nephews to football?

Ok for me that is a little different. They chose this over an invitation to meet their grandchild for the first time - and they couldn’t put themselves out for even a short visit before or after the football?

In your shoes I would be offended BUT I may be projecting due to the horrendous behaviour (hundreds of times) by my own PILs,

MargaritasOnMe · 11/04/2022 09:29

I've had 2 c sections. Both times I said my parents and pil could visit but I stayed in bed. Dh took the baby down, dm popped up with a cuppa for me and they stayed maybe half an hour tops. I'm perfectly happy for people to meet the baby but no need for me to be up and hosting! I recommend taking the same approach, op.

bellabasset · 11/04/2022 09:29

It's lovely that they want to visit their new gs but surely they'd understand that you'll be resting in bed. If it was me I'd want to see the baby but would be there to help out by doing some washing, ironing, hoovering or just taking out the kids for a treat and making a fuss of them

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2022 09:30

@Amybelle88

I'm fed up of the narrative that "it's mean to do that to PIL", it's fucking rude for anyone to expect a woman who's just given birth to welcome all and sundry into her home.

You can't predict when your pain will hit but I found it was a few days after giving birth, when my adrenaline settled.

You NEED to rest, you've had MAJOR surgery.

PIL can wait another couple of days until you're ok and well enough, the baby will still look exactly the same.

It is not your duty to worry about everyone else after you've given birth when they are disregarding you to just appease themselves.

Oh, the drama. All and sundry? You mean the husband's parents? Confused

Not a single person on here is expecting the op to put on a dog a pony show. She can stay in bed the entire time and her husband can handle everything. It's his baby, too.

Mariposista · 11/04/2022 09:33

Sorry, but suck it up. It's not nice, but they are his parents and it's their grandchild. Let him be in charge of entertaining.

pictish · 11/04/2022 09:36

This is an easy compromise. People are sometimes so extreme on here.
The pils come, op says hi and goes to bed, dh shows off baba and chats up his parents. Everyone is catered for.

LoveSpringDaffs · 11/04/2022 09:37

Depends on the inlaws & your usual relationship I suppose.

However DH wants them to come & meet his baby, no way I'd cancel them. If I usually liked them I'd say hello, have a cup of tea with them, then excuse myself back to the bedroom to lay down as 'the surgery area' is hurting & is better when I'm lying down'

If they don't like you, it doesn't matter what they think if that's.

If they do like you they'll understand.

Just ask DH to bring the baby to you for a feed when necessary.

Text him if/when you need anything.

I wouldn't say how long they can stay, DH is there with them, they could stay as long as they/he wants.

Dinoteeth · 11/04/2022 09:38

@onepieceoflollipop

Aaaah - they were busy the entire day yesterday as they prioritised taking nephews to football?

Ok for me that is a little different. They chose this over an invitation to meet their grandchild for the first time - and they couldn’t put themselves out for even a short visit before or after the football?

In your shoes I would be offended BUT I may be projecting due to the horrendous behaviour (hundreds of times) by my own PILs,

It's a bit unfair, to let the existing DGC down if they'd told them they were taking them to a game.

Sorry kids your ditched we are going to see your new baby cousin instead Imagine the MN response to that.

They maybe also felt BIL was enough visiting at a time.

Original poster
newbornbubble · 11/04/2022 09:40

Thanks everyone, It's fine anyway I will sit downstairs for a little bit then just go up to bed then he can bring him up when he needs a feed.

I think it's more me i feel bad because I haven't seen them in weeks and have just been staying at home. Then now when I finally get to see them I'm upstairs in bed. But I guess it doesn't really matter.

OP posts:
pictish · 11/04/2022 09:40

“All and sundry” - gave your real thoughts away with that one.
They are not ‘all and sundry’ actually.

eurochick · 11/04/2022 09:41

Your recovery needs to be prioritised. Either stay in bed and have your husband entertain them while you rest or get your husband to warn them in advance that you are not up to long visits and they can only stay for an hour.

NoSquirrels · 11/04/2022 09:43

I haven't seen them in a few weeks either so sitting upstairs whilst they visit isn't an option I would feel rude.

You don’t need to stay with the for hours, though. Feed the baby upstairs, bring him down for a bit and have a cup of tea and cake that they will provide you with, then ask your DH to “send you to bed” because he’s noticed you look tired. They can cuddle the baby and talk to their son.

Dinoteeth · 11/04/2022 09:44

I'm sure MIL who has had children and has other DGC will be much more understanding that twit BIL sitting all day.

And my MIL is a pain but still she much be keen to see LO

MrsTimRiggins · 11/04/2022 09:44

@pictish

This is an easy compromise. People are sometimes so extreme on here. The pils come, op says hi and goes to bed, dh shows off baba and chats up his parents. Everyone is catered for.
This, it’s a very straightforward solution. They’re your husbands parents, not ‘all and sundry’, it’s worth trying just a tiny bit here.
MrsTimRiggins · 11/04/2022 09:46

Also, I can’t understand how no one said to BIL ‘right well it’s been lovely to see you but toodle-pip’ rather than you being, sorry, a bit of a martyr and sitting downstairs with him all day
I adore my BIL and this is the type of thing he did when DS was born, just so excited about the new baby and not great with picking up in hints. DH had to usher him to the door in the end 😂

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