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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask, if you acquired a sum of money (around £7,000 to £12,000,) on a lottery ticket win for example - would you keep it from your husband/partner?

125 replies

HulaTheHedgehog · 10/04/2022 20:47

Just that really. ^

I was having a conversation with a few people earlier today about this, and I just wondered what people would do.

So, if you acquired/won say, £7000 to £12,000, would you keep it from your husband/partner? Or would you tell him?

(This is assuming of course, that you're able to get the money/hide it from them.)

So YANBU = yes I would keep it from him ...

And YABU = no, I would NOT keep it from him...

Also, if you DID keep it from him, WHY would you keep it from him? What would your reasons be?

Thanks in advance for commenting/voting (if you do!)

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 10/04/2022 22:39

I wouldn't give a shit if he was saving it for US, as I said I would do.

That's really interesting. I'd be gutted tbh to know that he had so little trust in my ability to make a prudent decision that he had chosen not to share the good news so that we could celebrate it together.

I'd like to think that dh would know that, even if we had different ideas about what to do with the money, we could discuss it in a reasonable, rational manner and reach a shared agreement. I would be very upset if he cut me out of the decision because he thought I was too irresponsible to use it wisely. That implies a serious lack of respect in my view.

Original poster
HulaTheHedgehog · 10/04/2022 22:39

@JudgeJ

And that's probably why you've got to 25 years together! Because you share everything and tell each other everything. Smile

This may shock you, but me and DH have thirty seven years together. And yeah, I would keep half back and not tell him about it. Coz I would want to keep the £6K-to £7K for emergencies/a rainy day. (And tell him I had won £5K.) I would still keep it for US not just me.

There are so many posters making so many snarky remarks about other peoples relationships just because they would do things differently (and tell their partner about the full win.) Now THAT is sad. (And smug, and pretty rude.) Why do people feel the need to attack other people who do things differently to them? So narrow minded and judgemental.

OP posts:
KhansMambo · 10/04/2022 22:40

@NoSquirrels Precisely.

Not at all clear on how that was a ‘personal attack’. But, it’s her post, so I’ll leave her to it.

Original poster
HulaTheHedgehog · 10/04/2022 22:40

@AlexaShutUp

I wouldn't give a shit if he was saving it for US, as I said I would do.

That's really interesting. I'd be gutted tbh to know that he had so little trust in my ability to make a prudent decision that he had chosen not to share the good news so that we could celebrate it together.

I'd like to think that dh would know that, even if we had different ideas about what to do with the money, we could discuss it in a reasonable, rational manner and reach a shared agreement. I would be very upset if he cut me out of the decision because he thought I was too irresponsible to use it wisely. That implies a serious lack of respect in my view.

Lovely. And that is YOUR view and YOUR opinion. Doesn't mean MINE is wrong.
OP posts:
Bournetilly · 10/04/2022 22:42

I’d tell DH straight away, it would be both our money.
I don’t think I’d tell anyone else though.

NoSquirrels · 10/04/2022 22:42

[quote HulaTheHedgehog]@JudgeJ

And that's probably why you've got to 25 years together! Because you share everything and tell each other everything. Smile

This may shock you, but me and DH have thirty seven years together. And yeah, I would keep half back and not tell him about it. Coz I would want to keep the £6K-to £7K for emergencies/a rainy day. (And tell him I had won £5K.) I would still keep it for US not just me.

There are so many posters making so many snarky remarks about other peoples relationships just because they would do things differently (and tell their partner about the full win.) Now THAT is sad. (And smug, and pretty rude.) Why do people feel the need to attack other people who do things differently to them? So narrow minded and judgemental.[/quote]
You started the thread asking what people would do and why, and if they wouldn’t tell their partner why not?

People are responding saying telling their partners is a fundamental trust thing in their relationship and you think people are being smug and judgemental.

But perhaps they’re just being honest and answering your question?

AlexaShutUp · 10/04/2022 22:43

But OP, you asked the question about what people would do in their relationships. People are answering that question and explaining their answers. Why are you taking offence at this?

LittleRedRidingHood187 · 10/04/2022 22:43

My DH would be the first person I'd tell because we're a partnership. Anybody on here who would hide it from their partner has a relationship with some serious issues

HollowTalk · 10/04/2022 22:43

@Cuppaand2biscuits

Nope, I earn waaaay less than my husband and we keep separate finances. I'm often short of money towards the end of the month and I never have any money to treat myself whereas he can treat himself without even thinking. I'd definitely keep it for me and the kids.
That is a really really unfair situation for you. How does your husband justify it?
NoSquirrels · 10/04/2022 22:45

Look again at the post you quoted from Alexa. Nowhere in that post do they pass judgemental on your relationship or say your view is wrong.

AlexaShutUp · 10/04/2022 22:46

X post with @NoSquirrels.

OP, I didn't say your opinion was wrong. You asked a question and I answered it, stating my opinion. That's kind of how MN works.

Did you expect everyone to come on and say that they would do the same as you? I can't understand why you started this thread as you seem to be unhappy with people responding to your question.

Lou98 · 10/04/2022 22:50

I would tell my Partner straight away, probably out of excitement!
I agree with @AlexaShutUp that I would be gutted if I found out he won money like that and kept it from me.

We have separate finances and the money would go in to my account but I'd have no reason to not tell him (I can understand why some people wouldn't though). He wouldn't want to spend it on anything ridiculous or waste it - we would probably both agree to put it in savings. Maybe spend some to go on a holiday but the rest be put away. I'm currently pregnant with my second and won't be going back to work for a few years after and my DP's job can be unpredictable. He does bring in a good wage but with the nature of the job could end up off for months so we do both see the importance of having savings

Original poster
HulaTheHedgehog · 10/04/2022 22:50

I don't care that SOME people disagree. It's the snarky put downs (from several posters) and bashing other people relationships who don't do the same as they do that's pissing me off. Like because THEY would tell their partner they won £12K, that their relationship is so much better somehow. And like, 'I could never be in a marriage where I would keep a secret like this. Like they and their relationship is SO perfect. Just grated on me that's all. Just seems so smug.

Anyway, I've said my piece so I'll shut up now.

OP posts:
GrandTheftWalrus · 10/04/2022 22:52

I wouldn't tell him until it hit my account then I'd get some debts cleared from it and buy him a new laptop etc

namechangetheworld · 10/04/2022 22:53

Lots of these replies are so depressing. DH and I have seperate finances so I could techincally keep it from him if I needed to, but thankfully I don't. I'd want to spend it on a family holiday for the children or some work on the house anyway.

HollowTalk · 10/04/2022 22:53

The thing is that some people, men and women, respond to a bit of money by immediately wanting to spend it all. This doesn't mean they are financially abusive or anything like that but it does mean that the person who has had the sudden win has now got a battle on her hands. What should be a lovely experience then becomes a fight as the person who loves to spend will want a free for all with it and the one who doesn't and is worried about future finances will want to bank it.

TracyMosby · 10/04/2022 22:54

@Cuppaand2biscuits thats financial abuse.

Op, youre very easily upset here over a hypothetical situation. How much did you really win Wink

AlexaShutUp · 10/04/2022 22:54

I don't think people are being smug, OP. They are just talking about what is important to them in a relationship. For me, honesty and trust are right at the top of the list. That doesn't mean our relationship is perfect by any stretch of the imagination. It just means that those are things that we wouldn't be able to compromise on. You probably have different things that are important in your own relationship which might not be as high up on our list.

Surely you knew when you posted this that some people would find it rather shocking that partners would choose not to share this kind of information with each other? What did you expect people to say?

MrsDoubtfired · 10/04/2022 23:00

I’d definitely tell him and we would probably use it to pay a chunk off our joint mortgage.

We have a joint bank account and savings account and don’t have our own accounts. Throughout our relationship this has worked both ways, DH used to earn waayyy more than me, then he got severe depression and didn’t work for a few years and now we earn pretty much the same as one another.

We have jointly shared what we earn (and spend!) throughout our relationship but I do very much appreciate that we are very lucky and fortunate for this to be the case and other people’s situations will be vastly different to ours.

Bumpsadaisie · 10/04/2022 23:00

I phone my DH if we win a tenner at the school 200 club 😊 so I really can't imagine hiding twelve grand from him ...

DdraigGoch · 10/04/2022 23:07

I couldn't keep a secret, even if I wanted to.

EthelMerman · 10/04/2022 23:19

@Ghostlyglow

“ I would tell him but I would like not to! I don't get to keep anything to myself and sometimes I find it a bit suffocating.”

Does your DP share absolutely everything too? If not sounds to me like you should be keeping something by for a rainy day (or escape fund). Have a small rebellion, keep something to and for yourself starting with a nice packet of biscuits, crisps or a bar of chocolate you really like.

I’ve tried to instil in my kids that they can’t expect to have everything, while kindness is very important, sometimes it’s okay not to share.

Sn0tnose · 10/04/2022 23:31

He’d be the first person I’d want to tell and it would be our money (I know he’d want to put the vast majority into our joint savings account) But he’s far more sensible with money than I am, he always makes sure we have money to pay the bills and he’d give me his last penny if I wanted it.

I’ve had previous partners where I wouldn’t be happy disclosing my Nectar points balance, let alone my bank balance.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/04/2022 23:42

DH and I usually tell each other if we're buying a lotto ticket in the first place and indulge in a few 'lotto daydreams' about winning the 'big one'. So there would be no way either of us could hide a win. I think if it wasn't a 'life changing' amount or needed for a specific expense we'd probably use it to fund our next RV trip, $5-10K (USD) would enable us to be gone a lot longer & travel further than our usual 6-8 weeks, 7000 miles. But if for some reason we couldn't agree on how to spend the money, we'd each take half. Chances are I'd plunk mine in a savings account, and he'd blow his on 'toys' and 'hobby trips'.

I do know a few people who would be better off NOT telling their spouse/partner because they are irresponsible with money and would want to blow it. One friend's 'd'H earns 4 x her earnings and demands that she turn over any extra money to him as he 'deserves it' because he 'supports her' and she 'spends his money'. Her parents have stopped giving her any money as gifts because of this.

RishiRich · 10/04/2022 23:47

YABU, I'd be excited to share such fantastic news with him. ExH on the other hand... I wouldn't have told him cos he would have taken it off me and spent it on himself. Hence the ex.

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